Dealing with step children

United States
December 30, 2008 1:40pm CST
I am about 17 years younger then my husband. I know some people disaggree with the age difference. But the Step children are dislike me with a great passsion. my husband and i have a child together and his oldest son wont even come visit anymore because of me. I know it hurts my husband so what can i do to change this?
1 person likes this
11 responses
@LaurenInLA (2272)
• United States
30 Dec 08
I'm a Stepmother. My Stepson is 26 now but we had issues when DH and I first got married. He was 7 at the time and thing that baffled me at the time is that when I first met him, his Dad and I were just friends and we got along very well. I came to learn that Stepchildren love both of their parents and there is always hope that their parents will get back together. When the Mother or Fathe remarries, the Child realizes that the parents will not get back together. The best advice that I can give you is to ignore that they dislike you and continue to treat them with love and respect. You will have to put yourself out there and you will have to go above and beyond to build a relationship with them. They will come around. My Stepson and I are so close now that I'm the person that he typically comes to with his problems. Good luck.
2 people like this
• United States
3 Jan 09
i have to say lauren this was the best response i heard in regards to this issue. I am a step mother of 2 one is 6 and the other is 11 its nice to know that you are still close with your step child i hope that i may be as well. And i hope lady is able to get things solved so that way there isn't such a hardship felt between herself and her step children
@Barb42 (4216)
• United States
30 Dec 08
Most children have a problem when their home is broken up and a parent remarries. They sometimes take it out on the new stepmother/stepfather. My daughter has four children, and when their Daddy left her for another woman, it hurt them terribly. Several of the kids don't like the stepmother, mostly because she never lets them have ANY time with their father alone. He isn't allowed to come get them by himself nor can he take them to a movie or anywhere without her. And they resent that. They have gotten to the point where they don't care if they go to see him or not. And, since they are all of age, they only go when they want to. Perhaps your husband's son needs some time alone with his Father. I don't know what you can do other than be nice to the kids. The son may come around at some point. You didn't say how old he was. I know here, when they get to be 12,they can opt to go or not. My daughter's first 2 were by her first husband who left her for another woman before her daughter was born. Those two kids cannot stand their Daddy. They haven't stayed any with him since the daughter was 4, and never visit him anymore. The daughter hates him. In fact, those two kids consider the stepfather their Dad. They will tell anyone, including their own dad. At least the stepfather raised them for 9 years.
• United States
9 Jan 09
I am 15 years younger than my husband, so I am only 10 years older than my oldest stepson. I came into the relationship letting them know that because of our ages the most I would try to be is an older person in their lives that would do the best they could to help you with issues that arise. I told them I didn't want to take their mother's place and (since it wasn't that long ago that I was facing some of the things that they face) that I could offer them some advice from time to time. It has been bumpy, but as they have gotten older our relationships have improved. As a matter of fact the oldest is coming down to visit with us for a week.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jan 09
What reason has the stepson given for not liking you? Being a step parent is always a hard job. You just have to be always available, keep the communication open and he may come around as he grows up. How old is he? Age should have nothing to do with it. Dont let it get to you! Does your husband have any suggestions for improving the relationship between you?
1 person likes this
@jakill (835)
31 Dec 08
It's a sad situation, but there is not much you can do really, except always try to be pleasant when your paths do cross. For your husband's sake you could encourage him to meet his son alone outside of the house. You might consider writing to the son to let him know that you don't want to come between him and his father. Hopefully, things might change with time, especially if it becomes really obvious that your husband is very happy with you.
@mgmagana (3621)
• United States
30 Dec 08
i did hate my step dad, but now he's grown on us, but i had good reason, he and my mom got together prior to my parent's getting divorced *catch my drift* so anyway, i think u should maybe go see him, try to lighten the load a little, maybe he'll appreciate it.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20246)
• United States
30 Dec 08
I was a step child and my Step Mom hated me, she was very jealous of my Dad, I understood how she felt but she never could get over it even when I had been gone from home for many years. Anytime emotions are involved with relationships good sense goes out the window. Maybe things will change with time but just go on with your life and be as happy as you can be.
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
19 Jan 09
This is never an easy situation to deal with when it comes to a step family. You are a good bit younger then your husband. This could possibly bother your step children. That doesn't mean that you don't deserve respect from them. They need to understand that you are a part of their lives now. You married their father. I hope that you can find some harmony here although it might take a long time for that to happen. Your husband and you need to keep communication going strong in your relationship. Good luck.
@Yori88 (1468)
• Philippines
6 Jan 09
I am 16 years younger than my husband and I understand your situation because I myself have a step-son too. I find it hard to accept at first but I keep in my mind that the reason why I married my husband is because of love. We now have a 3-month old son and my step-son is 4 years old. The two kids go well together and my step-son loves me so I find it easy to adjust with him. Besides my husband is so honest that I knew his situation even before we entered in a relationship. If some people won't agree with the kind of relationship we have, then I don't care. As long as everything between us is okay, like my family and his family had already accepted the fact that we love each other and nothing can come between us. Just continue to be respectful to other people and just learn how to accept things the way they are. You can also ask your husband on what you should do in order to end the gap between you and your step-son. He should be helping you because both of you will be affected by that fact.
• United States
3 Jan 09
i would try to encourage your husband to see his children on their terms. Even if that means you being gone for a period of time. Hopefully they will get used to the idea of you if its not pushed on them. And it really depends on their age. What ever you do don't make your husband choose between you and his children that wouldn't work out at all
• Canada
31 Dec 08
17 years younger thyen your husband which i am going to assume means you probably only 5-10 yrs older then you step son?? sorry to say but that right there would enough for me to not like my step mom. your closer to the step childs age.