My Husband's Step Dad Passed Away

Mary and Jack - Together at last.
@CatsandDogs (13964)
United States
December 31, 2008 9:22am CST
this morning at around 7am. My husband was there in his room with him when he passed just like he was with his mother when she passed away in May. He seems to be handling it ok and said not to run up there to him because he's ok. I didn't plan on it anyway unless he was in bad shape. It's not that I don't care because I do very much but these two people didn't want me around them when they were alive so why should I go when they've gone to the other side? I would only if hubby needed me but he doesn't so I stay home. Anyway, he's going to be creamated just like hubby's mom and then their ashes are going to be mixed together for that's what they wanted. Like I said before, this year came in with a BANG and it's going out with a BANG. In a way I'm relieved because part of our ordeal is over. Just have to work on my side with my mom in hopes she'll recover from her stroke and get that darn house of theirs sold so that will be a huge relief on all of us especially my mom. Maybe then she can recover faster. Although I'm relieved it's over, I have a headache. I guess it's a rush of relief or tension? I don't know but I'm going to go lay down but thought you all would want to know. Please pray for his soul as well as hers that they do make it into Heaven.
4 people like this
9 responses
@Nan110 (469)
• United States
1 Jan 09
I know how your husband must be feeling. I lost my dad 4 years ago from cancer. Your husband's in my prayers.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
1 Jan 09
Bless your heart!! I haven't had to face that yet and have both of my parents but neither one are well. I thought I'd lose mine before the year was over but so far they're hanging on, thank God. But still, it's hard to know that I have mine and my husband has lost both of his. Life is so unfair sometimes.
@Nan110 (469)
• United States
1 Jan 09
My husband lost both of his parents back in the 80's I believe but I'm not sure on that but my dad was like a father to my husband.
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14695)
• United States
31 Dec 08
Wow, Cats! What a year this has been for your family! I believe what you're suffering from is known as a "weekend headache". It was so named because more people tend to have headaches on the weekends than when they're stressed from work all week. They finally have a chance to unwind, relaxing the blood vessels or something like that, creating the headache. Weird, I know, but true! This is from http://www.medsupport.com/survival/weekend.htm : "It just seems unfair to have most of your headaches when you are not working. Some people experience most of their headaches on weekends, when they have a feeling of less stress on them. Others will experience it when a very stressful period of time has just ended, like the end of a school year or after a very difficult interpersonal time. These are known as "let down" [or weekend] headaches and sometimes can be prevented with some of the lower end rescue medications in your treatment plan." "Weekend" headaches don't always happen on weekends, but once stress is eliminated. Your headache, it seems, is caused by this sudden end of a large part of your stress. Nothing to worry about, it will resolve on it's own. My mother and step-dad passed away about a year apart. It's so strange how that happens, but understandable. Let's just hope that 2009 sees a big decrease in the amount of stress you've been under this past year! Lord knows you've had more than your share of it! So, Dr. Mentalward says rest, take care of yourself and let your husband handle what needs to be handled right now. You've EARNED a rest! This is probably good timing, actually. Relax and let the new year come in quietly and uneventful. At least there's still hope for a better year ahead! I'm sending all my good wishes your way. Take care of yourself!
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
1 Jan 09
Ok Doc, I've rested quite a bit today and I've finally come out of hybernation. lol I've got to tell you though, I needed it. I'm having such mixed feelings about the whole thing to be honest. I mean, I'm glad that chapter of my life is over. I've never wished either of them harm or bad luck but good ridance because they both were so mean to me. I'm the only in-law that stayed away out of 5 kids. The rest of them took their cr@p for what ever reason but I wouldn't and didn't. But at the same time, I feel for hubby because even though he loved them, they were mean to him too. He did his best to look past the bad side of them and defended me numerous times til they finally quit mentioning me. I don't know what I'm feeling exactly.... relieved, yes.... anxious, yes somewhat.... worried, yes but only about hubby and that's it but I don't want him home yet but yet I do. I know he's going to be a hell of a bear when he does come home and frankly, I do understand but I don't need to be around that..... at least not right now. I've reached the end of my rope and exploded once already and cried my heart out two times.... I just can't keep going through these emotions or I'm really going to lose it in the worst way and end up in the hospital. I certainly don't need that. I know I need to be there for hubby but damn it all, I've had enough of all these bad feelings.
@mentalward (14695)
• United States
1 Jan 09
I'm glad to hear that you've gotten some much-needed rest! Now, relax some more. One thing I've learned in my own life was not to worry about things until they needed to be worried about. It takes practice, but it can be done! So, okay, with your husband gone, you should be doing things to enjoy yourself. Relax, do what makes you feel good. Take this time to be a little bit selfish! Worry about what will happen once your husband gets home once he's home. There's nothing you can do about it before then, right? Hmmm, one question: Have you had your hormone levels checked recently? Even AFTER menopause our hormones can still be fluxuating, causing mood swings. Heck, I'm taking Premarin (HRT) and my doctor still checks my hormone levels occasionally! I just saw him last week, mainly because of feeling more tired than usual lately, and he said he wants to have my hormone levels checked again. Aw, heck, he said he wanted to do it after the first of the year and here it is, the first of the year... that means going in for more bloodwork. Sigh! Anyway, you're obviously the caregiver in your family. I think part of your frustrations right this moment are caused by your mixed emotions regarding your in-laws and the fact that YOU are not the one there, right now, handling things. Your husband is. Maybe you're feeling a little bit guilty for not being the one handling everything? You think? You need to learn how to let go and allow others to take charge in certain situations, like this one. I know you are doing that physically but, emotionally, I think you're feeling like you should be there with your husband, helping him. You are so used to being the only one around who can and is willing to handle everything, your subconscious doesn't want to allow you to sit back and relax while someone else handles it. Am I on target here or am I just blowing air? Think about it. If this is true, you're just going to have to learn that you are allowed to relax sometimes, too! Lord knows, you've earned it!
1 person likes this
@Katlady2 (9920)
• United States
6 Jan 09
I'm sorry I'm so late in responding to this hon. Life's been crazy the last several days. I'm sorry about your husband's and your loss. I'm glad he seems to be taking it ok. My thoughts and prayers are with you as they always are hon. I'm sending more big hugs your way. (((((((((Cats)))))))))
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
6 Jan 09
As they say Kat, better late than never .... which is so true. Thanks so much for having such a caring heart to want to say a few words. Not many people know what to say and don't even try. As for hubby, no, he's not taking it ok, he's real withdrawn and very angry and hurt. I was told it was normal emotions but it does have me worried but now that I have Gracie and her problems, hubby will have to deal with his a little more on his own.
@Vicstar (98)
1 Jan 09
I am so sorry to hear your news. I can imagine the mixed feelings you must be going through given the past history. I hope your husband copes with everything and that as time goes on the practical consequences will be resolved. Let's hope the New Year will bring peace and blessings on you both.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
1 Jan 09
Thank you Vicstar.... You're very kind. Hubby is still at his sisters place and might come home tonight or tomorrow. He's trying to sound strong over the phone but being married to him for 17 years, I know it's a put on. I'll be there for him as much as I can once he's home but then I have my parents to care for as well.
• United States
1 Jan 09
Hi Cats: Please extend my condolences to your husband over the loss of his step Dad boy this has been a hell of a year for you all; I am so so sorry for you all; no wonder you have a headache good grief; I sure hope and pray that 2009 will be a much better year for you two;
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
1 Jan 09
Thank you dreamweaverjan. I will tell him when he returns home in a few days. He's still at his sisters place until his step dad comes back from creamation. Now that that year is past us, I hope and pray we have a better year this year. I'm trying to be positive but it's hard and I know I have a hell of a guard up.
@bfarrier1 (2082)
• United States
1 Jan 09
I am sorry for you and your husbands loss and will keep you in my prayers.I really hope that 2009 will be a better year for you.Happy New Year and have a great night.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
1 Jan 09
Thank you bfarrier. That's very kind of you. I hope next year is a better year too because we've so had enough of this years hell. Hope you have a wonderful New Year too and a great night!
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
31 Dec 08
I am so sorry to hear this Sweetie I really hope that 2009 is a lot better to you Have a lovely New Year filled with Love Health and Hugs Lots of Love and Big Hugs to you and your Hubby to of course Love you
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
1 Jan 09
Thank you dear gabs.... I hope 2009 will be kinder and sweeter than this year has been. We've been through the ringer and we're trying to stay afloat but dang, what a load to carry and for so darned long! I hope you have a wonderful New Year as well and thank you for being so caring and sweet! Hugs!
@Opal26 (17690)
• United States
31 Dec 08
Hey cats~Sorry about your husband's Stepfather, but it is all for the best. He will be happier now being with his wife in heaven and now your husband can rest easier too. I know that this year has been a hell on earth for the two of you so maybe this ending is for the best too! Now maybe 2009 will bring good news about the house and your Mom will start getting better too. I am praying for you and your family! Do take care and Happy New Year to you and your husband. Please offer him my sincere condolences. Warmest wishes, Opal
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
1 Jan 09
Thank you Opal.... Like you said, he's up with his wife where he wanted to be. It's really hard for my hubby to take being that he lost both of them in the same year. Hard for me too because I almost lost my mom but didn't. Kind of a cruel twist of fate? I don't know but I do know that I am glad mine made it, just wish she could get better and I too believe that once that house is sold, it'll be a load off of her and she'll heal faster. I can only hope and pray that 2009 will be a better year.
@cripfemme (7715)
• United States
1 Jan 09
I saw this post yesterday, and I'm so sorry. A lot of people die right after Christmas or some major holiday. They hold on to attend the celebration, but afterwords their body just gives out. It's a phenomenon. I've been through the loss of people more times than I care to remember. The important thing is to remember that you will get through this and move on to live a happy life without forgetting the person you love. I know it may sound hard now, but they want you to be happy. Not sad all the time because they're not here. I hope my words have comforted you and your husband in some way.