He should know I do not go and spend on junk

@suspenseful (40316)
Canada
January 12, 2009 10:11pm CST
I have to do the grocery shopping now because of my husband's stroke and he finds it difficult to get around. Now I decided to be nice and enter the amount in my husband's software checking account and shredded the receipt. Now he thinks that I should have let him know what I spent it on, but I already told him before I left that I was going to pick up what he wanted. He thinks because I do not let him see my bank account and show it to him all the time, that I do not trust him. But actually I have my financial records and he did see my rrsp and my bonds. And he does not have to see everything I spend my own personal money on. In fact, except for my cell phone bill, the stuff I need for my diabetes, plus nuts, and pills, etc. and stuff for the computer, my church stuff, and the two magazine subscriptions, plus presents and shower stuff, I hardly ever touch my money. So why does he have to see what I spend the money on? to say you do not need it?
8 people like this
24 responses
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
13 Jan 09
thats sort of funny but know I dont think he needs to know as ya already told him! and he can see what ya bring home! Your money not his. even tho my bubby and I had jopint account he never questioned what I spent as long as I paid the bills he was fine with anything I bought!
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
18 Jan 09
I spend the grocery money out of the joint account and there are some things that I feel we need, but I have to get it out of my own money because I am the only one who eats it (unless I can sneak it into the salad as I do with spinach.) But when I get my own pension, I should have the right to save up for something I want. And I do careful grocery shopping so there is enough left for the basement.
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
18 Jan 09
you would think so!
1 person likes this
@deebomb (15322)
• United States
13 Jan 09
It has got to be very difficult for both of you since you husband has had his stroke. The fact that he can't do the things he used to has to really make it difficult for his self esteem. I Know that when I first came down with my rheumatoid arthritis and couldn't even get dressed or cut up a piece of meet it was very hard to let others do those things for me. It was very depressing. He probably is feeling a lose of control in his own life and wants to be needed even though he does know that your taking good care of things.
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
19 Jan 09
He is also naturally bossy and thinks he knows everything. So that makes it doubly as hard. He will have to learn that I am good at bargain shopping as he is.
@Fortunata (1136)
• United States
13 Jan 09
Sounds like hubby has a control issue. My Dad was like that, when he was alive.He had to know what everybody got in the mail, what you bought from the store, etc. I used to tell him, "Hey, it's my money." and he say,"Why are you buying that crap for?" Lol. With control freaks you can't win.
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
20 Jan 09
That is my husband exactly. I came home with the grocery bill and he went through it to see if I bought anything he did not approve of. And I was thinking of going and buying something exotic.
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
13 Jan 09
That does sound crazy. My husband doesn't pay much mind to any of it. The only time he does is if I say I am running short and he needs to wait to get something and then he will ask.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
19 Jan 09
He's a control freak. sure drive me crazy sometimes. And he likes to give orders. He should have been in the army.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Jan 09
I remember years ago, when I stayed home with the then 3 sons. I hated it when my husband checked up on what I had spent. I was the most frugal person out. In the end, I told him to do all the shopping or take me to the shops and give me an allowance for my own personal use. I told him also not to ask me what I spent it on. I usually saved for clothes for the children of gifts etc. When I earned my own monmey it was a different business. He could not ask me what I spent it on although he knew that I was working to pau for the children's school fees and books etc. Ah, Men! Blessings
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
18 Jan 09
His father did the grocery shopping while the wife stayed home with the children. When we got married, my husband decided that I should stay home, but I wanted to be like my mother and do all the shopping, so we had to compromise. But still he said "don't buy this," etc. I finally got him to relent that I did like yogurt, and some extra salad stuff, but now that I am doing on my own, I wish he would let up on this.
@rainmark (4306)
13 Jan 09
Maybe your husband wanted to check everything just to control the expenses in your household as the economy now is getting worst he might wanted to save more than spend more. JUst take it easy hehehehe go shopping when he is not around and don't let him know lolz.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
18 Jan 09
He is always around. He does not leave the house. It is hard for him to get down the four steps in the front even with the railings at the side (that we should have not put in until we had made a ramp, or we should have put in when we first moved because I needed it when the snow was slippery.)
• United States
13 Jan 09
You've been married to him quite a while and I agree that he should know that you don't spend money foolishly. I guess he wants to maintain some kind of control. Since you have a different personal checking account, I think it's important that you don't have to report what you spend...just to be told you don't need it. Men! Maybe his stroke has made him feel less secure and more out of control, but he wants to stay in the loop. One way might be to not shred the receipts. Let him see them. Is that do-able?
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
18 Jan 09
I can do that, but I think he will still say I do not need that. And we always shred our receipts after we pay for the item.
@Lindalinda (4112)
• Canada
13 Jan 09
It is control, contro, control. Since your husband had a stroke which must have affected him deeply he would have lost control over certain aspects of his life and health. He needs to try and establish control over aspects that he still can control. Be patient and loving, but firm. Your money is under your control.
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
18 Jan 09
I will do that, but it is hard. I figured that since I now do the shopping, that I should make my own decisions. My father used to hand the money over to my mother and he did not mind what she bought and I figured my husband would be the same.
• United States
13 Jan 09
I am not married, so I don't know if I should say anything about this. But, I feel that if I am married to someone, that our money is community property and that we should know how it is allocated. I mean, we can agree to put some aside for our own personal use to use without questions, but we both should know how much we are spending and making. That's my opinion.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
18 Jan 09
It depends on whether you make an equal amount and what is allowed for personal expenses. In our case, my husband made way more than I did, so if what I made would have equaled the amount he had to pay for income tax. HOwever, I do think I should know enough about groceries to know what is and is not a bargain and also what we need. I mean if it is more healthy to buy broccoli and spinach, then I should be allowed to buy that, or yogurt if it is necessary, instead of buying head lettuce because it is cheaper.
@AmbiePam (49868)
• United States
16 Jan 09
That has got to be so frustrating. Do you think since he has been limited in movement, he now tends to be harder on you? I mean, you take care of everything for him.
2 people like this
@suzzy3 (8357)
13 Jan 09
It is quite possible your husband does not feel in control of his life at the moment as long as you are not spending it on wild living and you cannot pay your bills my husband never knows what I have as it is not much and we live on his moneySay don't you trust me or something,don't let him use his illness to bully you as long as he is warm comfortable and has everything he needs I cannot see why you should show him your financial business.Why don't you just show him a few recepits just to keep him happy.When some one I knew had a stroke he was terrified his wife would run off with someone else and really made her life a misery of course she loved him and would never do anything like that.I think he feels very insecure and frightened at the moment be patient I am sure he will come back to normal.And Of course don't forget his brain has taken quite a jolt with all this.It is not easy on anyone having a stroke,take care.
1 person likes this
@suzzy3 (8357)
19 Jan 09
Get all the help you can and get a care plan order now and take care.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
20 Jan 09
He says that the doctor said that everything is the same, but somehow I really do not believe the doctor really did say that, because my husband's arthritis seems worse.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
13 Jan 09
Thats a conrol thing suspenseful, some men want to know every penny you spend,and thats a bunch of bull..All he should know is that you spent the money on things that you needed....He should know you well enough to know you by now, & should trust your judgement...Sometimes when men have strokes,it changes their personality some what & they act different.I would just ignore it,he isn't going any where ,hes either confused 0r just giving you a hard time.Some things are best ignored...
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
17 Jan 09
I can do that, but he was always stingy when it came to groceries. I had a hard time getting him to agree that I can buy yogurt. He thinks I should have lost ten lbs in one week when I had it.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
18 Jan 09
Haha, well your husband is a difficult one!!!
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
18 Jan 09
That's for sure. I also happen to be large boned, and when I lose weight, no one notices it, he's medium boned and he's a man, they can lose weight easier.
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
13 Jan 09
My husband wants to know at all times how much I got so if he needs it he can ask for it. Which he does. I help pay bills and loan him money when I have it. He isn't working now and I have to take some of my money that I make offline since it is the only money I get..Sometimes I don't let him know what I have to try to save it up. I don't let him know all the food I buy either.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
16 Jan 09
If I want something for myself, I have to buy it out of my own money that is food items. Now when you consider he gets a $2000 plus pension and I get an almost $700 pension it makes it rather one sided.
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
17 Jan 09
Well that is a little one sided. Maybe by the time the bills are paid maybe it is a little more sided..? I wish my husband could make a 1,000 a month that would be more then enough for our bills and household stuff and little extra.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
17 Jan 09
The trouble is our house is all paid for, and he has enough saved, but he grew up poor and has insecurity problems. And we really had to struggle when we got married, but now that we are retired, he should not assume that I cannot manage money.
@dfollin (12732)
• United States
13 Jan 09
Probably because he is a man! Most men feel like they have to have complete control.Or it could be an effect from the stroke.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
13 Jan 09
My dad was the same way. He had the feeling that when women went out shopping they just bought bon bons, etc. But I feel that even the things I need are considered junk and I am also worried that if he found out how much money I have savings that he might say :we need that to fix the basement' or something and then there will come a time when I really need it, but I will not have it.
1 person likes this
@dfollin (12732)
• United States
13 Jan 09
My husband and I shared a checking account.We did not have a savings account.Didn't make enough to put anything in there. My husband was a plumber and I was starting a research business.I did most of my work from my computer and when I would want to buy something for my computer that costed more than $10 or $15 it was stupid for me to buy.But whenever he wanted to buy a new tool or part for plumbing then it was ok. Then when he was working for some company and they needed him to move some stuff in his truck he put most of his stuff in their storage bin and then didn't go back over and get his stuff.He already told me that the company was not very good.About a week later he got put in the hospital and they fired him and he never went back to get his stuff or even call them to make arrangements to get it.But,I was making a stupid purchase. How would he of found out your balance?
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
15 Jan 09
He really cannot but he does do the income tax. He does not want to know what i make online. But I have the records on my computer and I can see his balance as well. Also he knows what I put in RRSP. The trouble is that I do not know all the money he has so wonder why he has to know what I make. I hope it is just because of the stroke.
@ElicBxn (60895)
• United States
13 Jan 09
Its a control thing. He feels that he's lost a lot of control because of the stroke and he's just trying different things to regain some of that control. Its annoying and rather sad, but he doesn't feel he's the man he used to be before the stroke and he's just trying to find little ways to get more control back into his life.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (60895)
• United States
13 Jan 09
Then you need to sit down and talk to him about it. You need to explain why you need to have control of your own money. I can't say that he'll accept it right away, but if you keep telling him how you feel and hopefully he'll understand.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
14 Jan 09
I hope so.
1 person likes this
@ronaldinu (12440)
• Malta
20 Jan 09
It seems that money and financial matters is not my only personal subject that we quarrel about, it seems that other couples often have an issue about this matter. Why is he controlling? Is he preoccupied about your present financial situation? I get grumpy when we set a budget and she does not respect our estimations. (c) ronaldinu 2009 - the more people I meet-the more I love my dog
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
22 Feb 09
He grew up poor, but then again I grew up with a father who had to go in and out of the hospital all the time, so we had problems. And my mother managed the money and dad did not complain. I think if my mother could manage, so could I and he should trust my judgment.
@chrislotz (8203)
• Canada
16 Jan 09
I don't think he needs to know every penny you spend and I don;t think you should have to tell him, but I do think he should know an approximate figure as to how much money you have, in total, because of retirement issues. Especially if you want to go on holidays or need to spend on some big purchase, he needs to know how much money the two of you have. I agree with you otherwise. He doesn't need a list of your expenses or a list of the things you buy. That should be none of his concern as long as you aren't spending a ton of money, which I can see you are not by your disclosure of your spendings every month. Alrighty then, talk to you later my friend, Have a good mylotting day, Chris
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
17 Jan 09
He does have a general idea, but he was brought up when the women handed all their money to the men. So there is a conflict going in his life between the old ways and the new ways where women have money of their own. It is just that I did take bookkeeping at high school and did work in an office so I feel that I can do just as good a job as he does and besides his hands do not work that well, his arthritis is quite bad.
• Australia
14 Jan 09
Some men are like that. Especially the more mature generations. I'm lucky though, my partner has decalred me the Finance Minister here, as I have the special savings account. I'd say demand to see what he spends all his money on, but he probably doesn't do much shopping these days, so that probably wouldn't work.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
17 Jan 09
No it won't. And we are both good at managing money, so I cannot give all the responsibility to him nor visa versa. And I do all the shopping now. At least he has a lot of clothes so I do not have to worry about that.
1 person likes this
@riyasam (16578)
• India
13 Jan 09
may this has something to do with age?seems ,he is becoming more insecure??why dont you check with his doctor,if this nature of his is a new development.try to a bit more patient,maybe it effect of stroke.(i have heard some people become more hot tempered after they suffer from stroke.i donot know how much of this is right???)
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
18 Jan 09
He is 63 and I am going on 66. So why am I not having trouble (other then my diabetes) I mean he should be more patient and I am the one who should be cared for. I think it is the stroke. He has gotten worse physically, the physiotherapist cannot do anything else for him, he has gone from a cane to a walker, and hardly gets out of the house.
• United States
13 Jan 09
It sounds as if your husband is real bossy. If he has not always been that way to you perhaps it is a side effect of his illness/disability making him feel inadequate. If I was you I would just ignore it and not take it to heart so much.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
18 Jan 09
It could be his illness. He is rather strange now. Why the other day, I went and bought some bread, which was supposed to be on sale. He said that the deli bread was probably cheaper. The trouble is that now we shop at Superstore, and the last place we bought Deli bread was at Safeway and that was almost a year ago.