Would you get upset With Your Spouse for this?

United States
January 15, 2009 10:07pm CST
I'll try to keep this on the shorter side and I'd love to know your opinion. Now my husband and I will be going on are fifth wedding anniversary. And we don't have any kids yet. Before we got married we talked about if we want to have kids or not and we both agreed that we want to have them. We just want to be a little more stable before bring life into this world. Well to this date we are not stable and I'm sick of waiting. And when I asked my husband why don't we just say F@@K it and let's just have kids. He tells me well I don't think we should bring children in this world the way it is. And than he looks at me and tells me "Do you honestly want to bring kids into this world the way it is?" What do you say to that. I mean I know he has a point but still we talked about it before marriage and now he just doesn't want to have them?!? Maybe I'm just upset right now actually I am upset. My neighbor just 23 and his gf just turned 21 just had a baby today. And I went up there and seen the baby and I got tearie eyed two times. And when I left I got so upset I ate some crap I shouldn't have ate due to the fact I'm an emotional eater. So What would you do? How would you change his mind? Or do you just accept the way things are? Please tell me your Opinions!!
4 people like this
25 responses
• Philippines
16 Jan 09
bringing up children doesn't have to do with the world that we live in now that really depends on the parents on how they bring up their children so it will be yours and your husbands' responsibility what kind of individuals your kids will be. I think you and your husband should sit and talk about this so that you can get his thoughts on this and change his mind on having kids on this day and age. I don't have my own kids yet but I know that kids will make you home a happy one. hope he change his mind!!! Good luck and I wish you the best!!!
• United States
16 Jan 09
I hope I can change his mind but I'm not gonna be pushy. We will sit down and have the talk again. HOpefully we can listen to each other and communicate what we are feeling.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 Jan 09
Listening in every conversation will help resolve the issue. It is a give and take thing so you really have to sit down, talk and listen. A right timing should play a vital role in this conversation, choose a time where your partner is in a good mood and doesn't have anything bothering him so that he can consider things clearly without to deal with other concerns that may bother him in a way. Empathized with him in his reasons and it would be best to understand and give him assurance over things. Be cool and it helps a lot for you are not a pushy person. God Bless!!!!
• United States
18 Jan 09
Actually I talked with him last night. And I know his true meaning on it. He's worried about are apartment not being big enough and the changes of us having twins or more the first time. I explained to him about my parents would help us out. But he wants to be able to support his family. He just wants to wait a little bit longer. But I wouldnt' be surprized if I was pregnant by the end of the year :)
1 person likes this
• Japan
16 Jan 09
When you love someone, you made him part of your life. From the start it is the two of you. Only few wives understand this idea; we could be happy without a kid. For now your husband is still not enjoying the idea of being a father and if you love him you have to respect his thoughts. It will come naturally to him. About you and wanting to have a baby, that will make you paranoid. Divert your attention to something other than about having kids and the baby. You can have new hobbies and you can open your heart to accept that your husband is not ready yet. Or either you sulk in a corner and resent how your husband are...this could be a poison in your marriage and will end up tragic. You cannot change anyone's point of you but you can change yours. So just let go of the idea of having a baby it will come in time and cross the bridge when you get there. Meanwhile if you're really into it, you can have him around surrounded with kids...you go to a family park..you socialize friends with kids and happy fathers... but you should control yourself..coz you might end up pressuring him.
• United States
16 Jan 09
Thank you for your comment and advice. I've been tryiing to deal with the idea of no children for a while and seeing my neighbor's baby just brought back up all those feelings again. Thank you for your kind words.
• Japan
16 Jan 09
i sympathize with you. You can read in the internet how to be optimistic.. you might be interested with law of attraction principle but please don't too pressured about it. I have a friend who is so eager to have a baby, she's married for 2 years now but they can't form. One time she had 2 months missed menstruation... she tested 3 times first was positive, second was negative... she was so confused...despite being confused she already told everyone she knew she is pregnant but when the 3rd test resulted to negative..she was devastated and embarrassed. but the people who knew the news felt pity towards her. I am not scaring you but too much pressure about this can sip energy... someday you will have it...God has a reason for everything. goodluck
• United States
17 Jan 09
I agree with you that it's in God's hands. And I'm not going to pressure him. IF he's not ready than he's jut not ready. With lots of prayer if he never wants to have any children than lots of prayer will help with coping with it. And honestly I know if I did get a positive on a pregnancy test I would wait till three months and a conformnation from my doctor before I would tell anyone. Just the simple fact of what happen to your friend or if i miscarry.
1 person likes this
16 Jan 09
I have realized your feeling. Just tell your husband to have kids again if he loves you.
• United States
17 Jan 09
To me if I did this it's almost like forcing him to do something that he doesn't want to do. I appreciate your comment and feedback. But I couldn't do that to him.
1 person likes this
17 Jan 09
you still can cry on his solder and request him to have kid. you can tell him without a kid you won't alive any more. You can request him again and again.
@checapricorn (16066)
• United States
16 Jan 09
[i]Hi neededhope, According to some people, it is hard to wait to become stable before having a kids since that is lifetime, we always define stability in a different way! So, some will just go on, having kids and for all they know, they were able to handle it! In my case, I am in my 30's and have no kids but this is my choice! I love to have but I have other priorities too! If ever you are both working, then why not having even one? I know you can handle that, just live within your budget! But, if your hubby is not yet ready, talk to him....and maybe you will also need to ask him when is the right time for him? Encourage him to start saving and maybe you need to lessen your other expenses or whatever remedies you can think about![/i]
• United States
16 Jan 09
Well I know you say maybe just one. But the problem with that is in my family we have a running of twins in it. So if we decide to have children we have to be prepared to have two. Because chances are we will have twins.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Jan 09
I see...wow, I love that! LOL! I always dream to have twins in our family! LOL! Take care!
@aisaellis22 (6449)
• United States
16 Jan 09
Hello neededhope! I can somehow relate to you. I just recently got married and we both agreed that we won't have children yet. We planned to have it after 5 years because we want to be stable first before having children. If ever it will happen to me that we can't bear any children, maybe I have to accept it and continue to live with him, it's not in our hands anymore, it's in God's hand.
• United States
16 Jan 09
I'll agree it's in God's Hands and only he can really give it to us. ANd five years ago we said we wanted to be more stable. Honestly, Stablity never really comes. I think it's mostly when your ready to be a mother or father is when it's ready. I should have listen to my family years ago and just started having children. But i didn't and now I have to wait until my husband is ready to become a father... I really just want to be a mother.
• United States
17 Jan 09
I know what you're going through neededhope. But like your username, continue hoping because "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be"
@dodo19 (33320)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
16 Jan 09
I somewhat understand your position. My sister-in-law is 4 years older and has two adorable girls. By the time she was my age, she already had her eldest daughter. So, it is somewhat tempting to have them. Though I know that my fiance and I are not ready to have children and it's not the best time to have them, although we talk about it and such. You should talk with your husband, explain to him how you feel, and see what he has to say. It's difficult to judge something if you don't know what your husband thinks, and how he feels about it. Talk about it, and work through it.
• United States
16 Jan 09
I will talk with him about it maybe in a different way than what I have been. And my mom had me at 23 so technically I should have a four year old now. I wasn't ready than but now I am. I know I want to be a great mother and to care for my children and love them. But I'm thinking he's just not ready yet... To be a dad. Since he's the youngest son in his family I think he's just thinking he won't be the baby no more if he has children. That's waht I think is going in his head.
@dodo19 (33320)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
16 Jan 09
It would make sense, if that what he's thinking. But sometimes it's difficult to know exactly what's on their mind.
• United States
17 Jan 09
Knowing me i would listen to me spouse. You have to understand that it looks good and its nice to have that family you want right now. You wouldnt have married a stupid person if he feels it not right at the moment just know before a person makes a big choice like that they think and hard even if it does not seem if its really a strong choice. Just trust you friend hes not there to steer you off.
• United States
17 Jan 09
I love him and I'll stay with him. And tonight we had a great conversation about children and are lives. So it's a start and soon hopefully we'll both feel better about talking about it.
@Troyle (8)
• United States
17 Jan 09
Well it actually sounds like he's a little scared to have children. It could be a bit how he grew up or how he was treated, I understand that the world is bad right now but always count on a kid to cheer you up :D Just have a talk with him give him. He just needs a little confidence.
• United States
17 Jan 09
Actually he grew up in a home with lots of kids. He's the youngest and there was 7 of them. he just wants to give them things and do things that as a child he never got to do. So I know now it's mostly financial or so I believe. We talked a bit more today about it.
@Ithink (10501)
• United States
17 Jan 09
This is a hard one. The thing is you guys talked and agreed on kids "later in life". Well it is getting later in life and face it your body and heart is telling you now is the time. The world isn't going to change but you can still raise kids this day and age. I guess the best thing is to talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel. How important it is to YOU. I understand his feelings as it is a big step and responsibility but he has to realize that you went into this thinking that you were going to have a baby in a few years. Like I said talk to him. Good luck!
• United States
17 Jan 09
Thank you for your words of incouragement. WE talked a bit today and I'm hopeing we'll talk a bit more tommorow. At least to get are feelings out on the table about it.
@Sissygrl (10915)
• Canada
17 Jan 09
I think you should tell him how you feel that you want to have a child or children and that you understand the way the world is, but its not going to get any better while your getting older and waiting. You want to have a baby and do the best possible job at being parents as you can and hope and pray that the children of the future have a future and you will together be great parents. . OR.. you could just get pregnant. lol.
• United States
17 Jan 09
Tonight we talked abit more on the subject. Not enough but I did tell him how I"m feeling so at least a start. I'm sure tommorow we'll have more of a talk.
@lynnemg (4539)
• United States
17 Jan 09
I'd definately be upset too. I can understand both sides of the situation though. I think that he prbably does want kids, he is just afraid of how much it would change your lives. With the economy in such turmoil right now, he is probably also afraid of having a baby and then not being able to take care of the little one as needed. You both have valid points to this. You don't feel you should continue to wait, because it has been this long already and you still are not as stable as you would like to be. Not to mention, you see others around you having babies and that just adds to the emptiness you feel. He is trying to look at the dinancila aspect of it all and wants to be able to know that the money will be there that is needed to care for a baby. I doubt you will be able to change his mind right now, at least not without him becoming very upset about the whole thing. I think that I would wait a little longer to see what happens with the economy. It's a shame that money has such an impact on choices like this, but any more, that seems to be what we are all worried about. Without pressuring him about it, you should tell him how you feel. If you feel certain that having a baby would be the right thing to do, tell him that is how you feel. If you fear not being able to get pregnant later on, tell him. My personal opinion is that when we are supposed to have a baby, we will, reguardless of our financila circumstances or anything else.
• United States
17 Jan 09
Thank you for your warm and looking at both sides of the situation. I appreciate it. Maybe your right and I should just think about it a bit more. And yes your right when your suppose to have a baby we will.
@underdogtoo (9599)
• Philippines
17 Jan 09
Sometimes having children changes the balance of the universe for the better and it is certainly a good thing when children arrive. I think you should go for having children now while they can still enjoy you. Waiting for when you're stable and, older, would make you less energetic for parenting.Cheers!!
• United States
17 Jan 09
Maybe if I explain that too him that'll make him want to be a parent now. But you can't beat a stick if it doesn't break. I'm not gonna force him but maybe if I explain that too him he'll understand me a little better and think about it a little more too.
• United States
16 Jan 09
I totally understand your husbands point and its smart if you ask me. I understand your side as well because man when your body is ready for creation its like thats allll you think about. I almost had a third because of that until I began birth control and that wanting feeling went away, phew. I do still want a third child but I myself was even thinking, man, is this really the right thing to do now. I have my step-mom and I have experienced what its like to grow up with nothing, no luxuries what so ever and I just do not want that for my children. I cant say that is where this economy is going but do we know, we dont. Then I find myself reading Angelas Ashes and my god, how in the world did they survive eating like they did. Another thing is if you have children will you be comfortable not being able to get them the things you want due to expenses? I mean I have been there and its soo hard when at one time you were buying your children brand new toys and all the clothes that they wanted to go to needing clothes for them for months on end and the feeling of not even being able to buy a toy, its a hard feeling. I have known woman who this has even led to resentment because they had this picture in their head of how it was going to be and then when things didnt go as planned they just became so angry. Heck, maybe your man has an ideal for how he wants to bring up a family and is only thinking ahead and thats great. I have two kids but my ex has been promising us a house for years and years and luckily with the market a window has opened but Im not getting my hopes up for it.
• United States
17 Jan 09
I think he does want to give everything to are children. Both of us grew up with much less than normal kids. But than again I think that's what has made us the way we are. But maybe yoru right that's what he's thinking about the future...
@CRIVAS (1820)
• Canada
16 Jan 09
I don't think that you should just acept that. A marriage is between two people and any decision that gets made needs to be made by both of you. If he thought that the world needed to be a better place before you two had children together, he should have told you that before you got married. I don't think that there is much you can do aside from trying to talk to him about it. I mean it all comes down to this: If your husband refuses to change his mind, refuses to bring children into this world, are you willing to stay with him? You need to decided which is more important, having children or being with your husband? I hate to say it but if I was in a relationship with someone and an issue like this came up, I think I would end the relationship. I wouldn't want to be miserable about the choice for the rest of my life and I wouldn't want to be with a person that wasn't willing to help me be happy. I think that one of the things that keeps this world from being taken over by bad things, is having children. If we raise our children to be responsible then we have made a difference and I think in essence we make the world a better place. I think it would be even sadder not to have a family to love but I could be wrong. I personally have two children and while I agree that this world is far from perfect, I wouldn't do a thing different. I love my children and I cherish my time on earth with them.
@mermaidivy (15415)
• United States
16 Jan 09
My husband and I have been married for a month, we both want children. We will definitely "produce" them until we're financially supportive. I think making babies is like part of the deal. Why do you want to get married? Besides the reason that you love him is because you both want to make a the next generation and becoming a family family. MY husband told me at a point that he doesn't like the education system right now etc but so what? You cannot skip it due to that. You just gotta keep moving and see what happens. If you have good morale, good sprit, your kid will be good people under your teaching. That's what I think.
• United States
16 Jan 09
Us too we don't like the education system either that's why I was planning on homeschooling are children too. Plus I think it'll help them learn easier and get a hands on experience with it too.
• United States
16 Jan 09
Women matures emotionally first that is why we feel a lot of things some men don't like settling down and have kids. I went through your stage too. I know it is not easy when we want to have children and our spouse is not ready for that. He is also actually looking at the practical side of it I think. You have to also try to answer the question he has raised like will you be able to give the best for your child if he/she comes into this world? If you believe so that you can then tell him about it. For me parenthood is a lifetime responsibility. Are you ready for that kind of responsibility? If you really want to have kids then go ahead be patient enough to convince him and talk to him about it in the nicest way you can. Keep your calm. You can volunteer babysitting your neighbor's baby for the meantime, then you will see and feel what motherhood is. ;-)
• United States
16 Jan 09
That's not a bad idea. But honestly I have never watched a newborn, never changed a diaper, I have never held a newborn... So honestly practicing on my neighbors baby I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Plus we both wanted to hold are own children first and change there diaper first and maybe that's why. Because we aren't use to it maybe he's just nervious at taking that chance in the unknown.
@gracie04 (4555)
• Philippines
16 Jan 09
The best thing you can do for now is to talk to your hubby about it.. i mean, tell him how you really feel.. then listen to what he's going to say.. if his reasons are valid then try to understand.. maybe he's still saving up for the future of your baby..
• United States
16 Jan 09
Well we dont' have a savings and honestly we dont have insurance. I think he is worried about how to support a child and a wife basically support a family. But I know we can do it and make do. God will help us and I know my parents will too.
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
16 Jan 09
You asked a simple question, the simple answer is yes I would be very upset with my husband for having this big of a change of heart and not talking to me about it. Clearly you aren't communicating on the "big" stuff the way you should be. Having a child is something that you both need to sit down and talk about. Since this was something you both agreed was part of your "dreams" when you married if he has since changed his mind entirely you need to discuss how this affects you individually and as a couple. Can you be happy without having children?
• United States
16 Jan 09
I think I could be happy without any children... But it would take a lot of patience, love from him, and of course lots of Prayer. Prayer for comfort, prayer for him, and Prayer for not regreting it. Lots of Prayer I could be happy without children.
@rainmark (4306)
16 Jan 09
I do understand the reaction f your husband about having a baby now because you can see that our economy is so depressing. In my case, im 23 when i have my son. We never expected him and everythings so hard for us and our situation so difficult but i choose to keep my baby even we are struggling and financially unstable.But you know, even that life so hard baby brings smile and happiness to your life, i can see my husband now is happy being a father. You both not getting any younger,we can't say that this is the best time to have a baby but when? You both plan to have a baby so why not take any risks after that everythings will be alright as long as you both going to accept responsibility. Maybe your hubby is not yet ready for responsibility as a father. Give him time to think about having a baby and asks him again about it.The important is don't lost the love between two of you even he makes you feel upset, that's what hubby's are always upset wife.
• United States
16 Jan 09
Usually he never upsets me. I get whatever I want and he makes me very happy most of the time. And never complains and he's really easy going. Just the only thing he is denieing me is a baby... And yes I can see in this economy but in the States there's a lot of programs that we could get because of having the baby. SO honestly we won't have to worry a whole lot. And if we do have problems I know my parents would help all the way.
@bamrahkirti (1819)
• India
16 Jan 09
I got so emotional after reading this and do not know what to say.It has already been 5 years of marriage and if children is in your priority list then have them now because biological clock is also ticking.If your husband does not want to bring the baby in this world ,then what kind of world does he perceive for his kids?Or if he is thinking of becoming more financially stable ,does he have any future plans for this?These are some of the points you must clearly discuss with your partner otherwise sulking will add poison into your married life.