My hubby dont want me to have guy friends..advice pls..

Philippines
January 17, 2009 5:36am CST
My hubby dont want me to have guy friends.When he opened my friendster,he saw some guys there.I told him they're just a friend and some classmates from school but he still dont like it even if i dont see them in person coz i am far from them now.He asked what if he will make friends with some girls also and i dont like it also.He said,i should avoid boys now that we are married already but i cant avoid some old friends in school.What will i do?Any advice?Thanks..
3 people like this
31 responses
@djbtol (5493)
• United States
17 Jan 09
Seems good that your husband cares enough about you and the marriage that he doesn't want you to get enticed away. At first I thought you were talking about actual (not online) personal encounters. That can get dangerous quickly. Guy friends in an online kind of community doesn't seem like too big of deal. But, lots of one on one chat with a particular guy can lead to trouble, even online. It is really good that you are talking about it. You should agree on a common set of guidelines that you will both use. Could also be that your husband is looking for a little more security that you are fully committed to him. Wish you all the best. djbtol
@dfollin (24146)
• United States
17 Jan 09
syankee,I totally agree with you.It does not matter if they are on or off line.It doesn't mean he care's,like syankee said he is controling.I've been there I know.
• United States
17 Jan 09
to me it dont make a differnet on line or off. who is he to tell her she can't have guy friends. my wife has them on and off line. i could careless. i feel secure if she wants to have guy friends. because a man is married to a woman it's not our place to tell them who to be friends with or not, we don't own them. and he should have enough trust in her to do the right thing. and if a guy makes a move on her then he should step in. but just not allow to have guys friends is just stuipd he must not be really secure about himself, or he's a control freak
1 person likes this
• Canada
18 Jan 09
I aggree that they both should be able to have friends of either genders. If they are having trust issues, they should talk about and set guidelines regarding what they feel is appropriate activities for friends (e.g. it is ok to go out for coffee, talk on the phone, but not ok to stay over at their place, etc). It is important that the couple both agrees to the guidelines and not just one person placing a set of rules on the other person. Otherwise, the relationship is too onesided.
@redberry (178)
• Philippines
17 Jan 09
OOhhhh com'on what's the big fuss with your husband. I'm lucky, my husband isn't bothered by those silly things. I'm not sure, but I think your husband is insecure or is there something that you did to make him feel insecure. Well the only advice I can give to you is just have a serious talk with him as to why he gets jealous with mere people on the net. It just doesn't make sense. Or you could also explain to him that you aren't flirting with guy friends on friendster and that you even posted a lot of your pics together with your husband to let the whole world know that you are married... well that's the best that I can do... Good luck
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jan 09
amen... a smart one. to me it' a trust, or control issue or maybe he's not secure about himself.
1 person likes this
@dfollin (24146)
• United States
17 Jan 09
I agree that is great.Sounds like you are in a great marriage too.
@dfollin (24146)
• United States
17 Jan 09
Why doesn't he have guy friends? Doesn't he trust you? Or is he feeling guilty? When I was engaged the first time.He was the same way.Obviously that relationship did not last.When,I did marry someone,he was not that way.Matter of fact we were friends with his ex wife and her new husband. We are huggers and when I would hug a male friend or he would give a friendly hug to a female friend neither of us thought anything of it.We trusted each other.Sounds like to me that he has a trust issue.All,I can say is talk to him about it and keep talking about it.If it doesn't work I am afraid and unhappy to say that this does not sound like this marriage is going to last.
@dfollin (24146)
• United States
17 Jan 09
synakee, Exactly control issues!And what do you want to bet he is seeing how long she will take it?
• United States
17 Jan 09
i agree with you 100%, crazy her husband don't want her to have any guy friends. but i bet he got female friends and think it's ok for him to have them as friends. i got tons of female freinds, and even went to their house alone to help them out. and my wife got guys friends as well. trust or controling issues
1 person likes this
@markmoney (2868)
• Philippines
17 Jan 09
Hmmn.. since you are married already, I guess you should really avoid getting along with other guys. You can't go out with your guy friends, because if people will saw you, what would they think. I think that mentality of your husband is more of a conservative thinking. He just want you to be loyal to him. Maybe you're just in the early stage of your marriage, and I guess it's normal. Time will come that you will get his full trust, all you have to do is show him, prove him that he is the only guy for you. I'm sure if you really love him truly and faithfully, you can avoid other guys. But of course, he should do the same. He should also avoid girls and prove you that you are the only girl for him. By doing so, I'm sure you will gonna have a happy married life. Have a great year!
@dfollin (24146)
• United States
17 Jan 09
You know,this morning I replied to this message and then I had to go out and I came back and read the other replies.Iam the only one that has mentioned about him talking mean to her.Most of the people here are saying that she should listen to him and let him control her......oh,but it doesn't matter that he talk's mean to.That if you listen to him and let him control you then you will have a happy marriage. How can you have a happy marriage or life even looking over your shoulder all the time to see if an old male friend will simply say hi to you but you have to ignore him.Then that person tells his wife,girlfriend or sister that you gave him the cold shoulder and acted snobby to him and now they don't want to be your friends either.Now your husband has complete control over you and talking mean to you.But,you have to live that way because he is the only so-called friend that you have left. I don't think,no I know that I could not be happy like that!
@markmoney (2868)
• Philippines
17 Jan 09
Thanks oraclemv! I'm sure you did choose the correct guy. Your relationship with your husband is ideal. It's sweet. Marriage is really sacred that's why the married couple should stick to each other and maintain loyal and faithful, because they were bonded by God. They will share life through thick and thin. They will not allow anyone to destroy their oneness. More power to you!
• United States
17 Jan 09
this is another stuipd one. so if you are married you wouldn't let your wife have male friends? my wife has male friends and if she wanted to go out with them who cares what anyone else think if they see her with him. i trust my wife and her friends, we both always interoduce our friends to each other. hell we used to hang out with her ex b/f. to me it's an control issues, so if you are married then you shouldn't have any female friends either ?
@syankee525 (6261)
• United States
17 Jan 09
ok to me for real, sound like that he has either have a trust issue or a control issue. does he have females friends? if so then i would tell him he can;t have no female friends at all either. and see what he say about that. if he does i bet two to one he will be like we are just friends.. i have lot of female friends and my wife has guy friends to me it's no biggie. but i have to disagree with the person said you are bless for having a husband who loves you. to me it's just nuts that he's telling you that you can't have guy friends. i also would ask him would you like to meet some.
1 person likes this
@dfollin (24146)
• United States
17 Jan 09
Thank you for agreeing with my post.It sounds like you and your wife get along.That is great!
• India
17 Jan 09
you should listen to what your husband says because he is your mate and best pal i think . if you still feel not to leave your friends i think may be you should try explaining your position with your friends to your husband.if that does not go well you must forget them as your life is more imporant than friendship at this stage. have a happy married life.
@dfollin (24146)
• United States
17 Jan 09
see,that is control.Your mate and best pal should not tell you what to do.You are a couple and should agree.Yes,her husband should be the most important person in her life,but she should drop everything else and let him talk mean to her? I don't think so.How can that be a happy married life?
@Carolyn63 (1403)
• United States
19 Jan 09
He obviously is insecure and is trying to make you insecure in suggesting that you should have issues with him having female friends. You don't choose friends by gender. You care about someone because of whom they are, how they act, because you connect. A connection does not mean that you will be drawn into a deeper relationship. If that happens it means there were other issues to begin with and deep down you were looking for more. Shame on him. I have male and female friends. My husband can be friends with anyone he wishes to. He can hang out with them, talk to them, bring them over to our home. Our love runs deep, to include similar likes and dislikes, being able to share our thoughts, feelings and concerns without threatening or feeling threatened. Relationships are about enhancing one anothers lives, not destroying or controlling.
• United States
18 Jan 09
First of all, if he truly loves you, he should trust you. You need to sit down and have a talk with him about this, it sounds to me like there are some trust issues that needs to be worked out. When I was married, I had plenty of guy friends and my ex was like your husband, but I told him that we were just friends. It is so hard to turn your back on friends that you have had for years prior to marriage. Good Luck.
@jdyrj777 (6530)
• United States
18 Jan 09
Maybe you can invite your male friends over and they can spend time with you and husband as a couple. They will also be friends with your husband too. He should do they same if he has female friends. AS long as they are just friends and never were lovers there should not be a problem. Friends that play together stay together.
• United States
19 Jan 09
Remind your husband that you had male friends before you met him and while you and he were dating and he's the one you chose so he has nothing to worry about. If you'd been interested in any of those other men, you wouldn't have said yes to him when he asked you to marry him.
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
19 Jan 09
He sounds a little controlling. I don't know your husband but I would feel annoyed if I were in your position. You are not doing anything wrong keeping in touch with old school friends especially from a distance! You did have a life before your husband came along and you can't just disregard your all friends because he is feeling insecure. He should know your values and trust you to behave appropriately as a married woman. I would have a chat to him about this; it's all a matter of trusting each other. I would understand his concerns if your were constantly socializing with these guys without him but within reason keeping in touch is not that big a deal.
• India
18 Jan 09
Hello my dear thanxiang Ji, Well, I am very much comfortable as my hubby always preferred to be in touch with his and mine friends both in similar fashon. He was never suspicious about this and never stopped me. It is again question of belief between partners. You have to gain confidence that you are only for him and not for anyone else. But then what about his friends, he also may be having some attarction and incliments towards females friends. have you ever stopped. If not, then he toos hould not stop. Thisis very much wrong practice by any husbands and we should set this notion correctly. Both must have confidence. may god bless you and have a great time.
@amarpr (2)
• India
20 Jan 09
Hi, i know what ever you are saying is not sounding good. The only thing missing in you guys is TRUST. If you trust your husband even though he makes female friends or you make any male frnds will not make any difference. Best thing you can do is; First stop comparing that you guys cannot make opposite gender friends and second thing to build a trust start meet each other's friends. This way you can not only maintain relation with your old friends but you can also keep the going the happy relation for a long time. Just Give A Try and Speak out with your Hubby. I am also a hubby and i know it better. Do tell me you like this suggestion or not..
@rajjo_me (36)
• India
18 Jan 09
Marriage is always about compromise. But the compromise should be both from the husband and the wife, otherwise it is a biased relationship and that is not healthy. If your husband is ready to give up his female friends then you should also avoid your guy friends. If he insists on seeing his female friends then you should stand your ground.
@tessah (6617)
• United States
18 Jan 09
i dont think you should have to compromise who you have in yer life that you care about. even if both parties do it to placate the other.. then its just doubling controlling. partners should just trust each other.. and if they cant, they ought not even be together.
@getnbuy (1312)
• United States
18 Jan 09
Your husband sounds overly controlling to me. Also insecure in his role as your husband. I would suggest both of you get some marriage counseling. He may escalate his behavior if you don't.
@maggiedg (97)
• United States
18 Jan 09
Well, the best thing would have been to find out this before you got married and got it handled before you were married. This man is insecure, and nothing you do is going to change that. He is going to have to handle his insecurity himself. And I speak from experience. I had a fiance once that was very secure and got upset when I talked to guys, even in public. Many of the guys I talked to were people I worked with. At that time, I worked with a lot of guys and very few women, so most of my coworker friends were male. My future husband did not like that at all, and I ended up quitting my job just to try to show him that he was more important to me than my job. But it didn't work. I did various things to try to show him that he was the most important to me. But since he still had insecurity issues, nothing really helped. I had serious misgivings about getting married but being young and naive thought that once we were married, he would change. Alas, no such luck. Even after we got married, he still didn't like me talking to any male, except for family members. And since I worked at a public place, it was hard to not talk to males. My boss was even a male. The best thing you could do for him is to get him to get some help with his insecurity. Even if you deleta all your male friends from all your online pages, the problem is still going to be there. But you also have to make sure that you are being very pure in your relationships with other men. Don't come on to them in any way. Make sure they understand you are married and only are interested in friendships, both male and female.
@tessah (6617)
• United States
18 Jan 09
if my husband tried to dictate who i was allowed to have for friends.. he wouldnt be myhusband anymore.and vice versa. marriage doesnt equal control.. it doesnt dictate or stagnate or possess. yer husband either trusts you.. or he doesnt. and the same goes for you. and if yer setting rules for who yer allowed to care about.. well. i wouldnt want that sort of relationship myself.
@_sketch_ (5742)
• United States
18 Jan 09
I really dont know what you should do. But I had a boyfriend who was jealous like that and I ended up kicking his a** to the curb. I think that if someone really, truly loves you they trust you fully.
@Crocket (315)
• Canada
18 Jan 09
I would say that you should try doing this behind his back because if he finds out there's going to be trouble and you don't want to start looking for a new husband as of yet. The only alternative to this would be to let him find some girl friends that he can have a relationship with and then you could get everyone over together for a party. Crocket.
@jambi462 (4576)
• United States
18 Jan 09
I used to have a girlfriend that was like this in being that she wouldn't let me have any friends that were girls and that really kind of made me angry because I have a lot of good friends that are girls. I think that jealous types of relationships like this will usually not really work out in the end because the jealous one is always being skeptical of what you are doing. We all know that the key to a good relationship is trust and if you don't have that then you guys are going to be arguing and fighting a lot. Good luck with whatever you decide to do in this situation.