I'm not allowed to have my family or friends over any more.

@mentalward (14716)
United States
January 18, 2009 2:15pm CST
Not if they intend to help me around the house. That's a new 'law' my husband just laid down. He said it's his job to help me around here. The problem is, he doesn't help me around here... at least, not as much help as I need, not even close to the help I need. My husband has given me a choice between him and my family/friends. How's that for love? I'm extremely depressed right now and am hoping that someone might have some encouraging words for me because I'm pretty much at the end of my rope! I mean, I'm not even contemplating suicide or anything of the sort, so don't worry about that. I just don't know which way to turn anymore. My husband was fired from his job two weeks before Christmas. He had been working on the side, doing design engineering work. He designs printed circuit boards for the most part. He's a professional. He did not take this action lightly! But, he has work, he has his own business which is even incorporated. I've done everything I could to help him get this business started, including ALL of the paperwork. I handle the books. I've been trying to 'hold down the fort' while he gains clientele and makes a name for himself. I've been bending over backwards to help him. Now, because one of his clients sent him an email "warning" him that, if he doesn't start doing the work the client is paying him to do, he'll be replaced. So, how does my husband take that? He takes it out on me. I'm not allowed to have anyone over. He says it's unnatural to have family over once a week. My sons should be doing things to "better themselves", instead of visiting me each week. I can't take any more of this. My husband and I have already talked about this, this morning, after he woke up from being so drunk last night that he could barely stand up. All of his decisions are based on past experiences. I can't convince him to put the past IN the past. I can't convince him that it's quite normal for family to visit and, if they can do it once a week, what's wrong with that? It goes on and on but I think you get my drift. Right now, I feel pretty much like a zombie. I just took my youngest son home because he came over to help me get my new 'art studio' ready for my new business. My husband kept promising me he'd help me, but kept coming up with excuses why he couldn't, so my son volunteered. My husband had a fit! I hated having to take my son home because we were enjoying working together. I told my husband that I was hoping that we could all work together but he doesn't see that as 'normal'. What do you think about this? Any advice? I just can't think anymore.
16 people like this
63 responses
@Grandmaof2 (7604)
• Canada
18 Jan 09
This isn't over yet. I know I'm going through a milder case of this than you are. I hope you keep in mind your family has been there for you a lot longer than your insecure husband. I don't mean to sound nasty but he is a very insecure and somewhat unhappy person. The only way you're going to get around this is IN MY OPINION You'll need to let him know that family first and Yes he's family but so are the other members. Don't let him bully you and don't cut yourself off the family because if one day you and hubby split the sheets you're going to need the rest of the family. Once a week is "Normal" and he needs to see you're going to live your life as well. So he got fired, not your fault, he needs to brush the dust and carry on. Let him know that being drunk and being boss is not what's going to keep the home fires burning. Let him know you love all family members unconditionally and he can be a part of it or he can pull away but either way your family will always be family. Good luck. I once let a man belittle me and under NO circumstances would I allow any man to come between my family. They were there first. Bottom line. Good Luck (((BIG HUGS)))
4 people like this
• Canada
19 Jan 09
That's the stuff girlfriend, stand strong because if you give in you're so done like last nights dinner!!! Good Luck Dear Friend. Love Ya Lots.
2 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11771)
• United States
18 Jan 09
Honestly, it sounds as if he is the one with the problem. Family is there to support and help and I would not let that stop me. He does not have the right to tell you that they can not come over. You just may have to stand up to him and tell him that family is family and you are not sending them away.
4 people like this
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
19 Jan 09
Yes, he is the one with the problem and I'm going to do just that... carry on the way we've always done it. He's jealous of the love and caring my sons and I have between us. His ego has been hurt. Being the 'macho' man he thinks he is, he feels that no one BUT him should be doing these things for me, but... one excuse after another as to why they don't get done. I've even told him I understand why they don't get done. He works hard! But, he's also very lazy on the weekends. I've never condemned him for that. He deserves a break. I've tried to tell him that my sons WANT to help but that makes no difference to him. He would rather have me suffer than have his ego hurt because something I need done right away doesn't get done because he has some excuse or another. He was married before and raised a step-daughter from the age of five. You know what? She calls him once a year, on Father's Day, and those calls are somewhat strained. Apparently, she didn't like his idea of "family" either. She's very close to her mother and the rest of her family, just not my husband. Well, he can be miserable if he wants. I've had enough time to realize that I'm NOT going to let him make ME miserable, too. I'll be okay, Thoroughrob. Thank you for caring! It means a lot to me.
2 people like this
@ElicBxn (60044)
• United States
18 Jan 09
it is NOT normal You need to tell him that family is family and if they want to help you, you are not going to turn them down. AND If he has a problem with it, it's his problem and he needs counseling for it! Tell him, that if he puts an ultimatium like that on you, then he can leave.
3 people like this
@ElicBxn (60044)
• United States
19 Jan 09
You go GIRL! Sounds like he really needs you more than you need him (tho you might need him just a bit right now.)
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (32481)
• Holiday, Florida
19 Jan 09
actully, i dont see what you need him for? sounds kind of abusive to me.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Jan 09
Well when you decide to move out of your family's that means that you are starting a new family. maybe your husband wants privacy you know is hard when you get used to live alone and then family comes to your house for more then a week i know about it i been trying to get my wife sister out for month please talk about it out of the house the two of you alone.i almost got a divorce don't let this happen to you. Jose r Marte
1 person likes this
@Barb42 (4225)
• United States
18 Jan 09
My first thought is that your husband has a deep-seated problem! Families visit; that is what they do, period! Now, some don't get along, but when families such as you and your children get along, they visit one another. They also help when you need it. There is nothing wrong with your son coming over to help you. Heck, when I go to my daughter's, I just naturally start doing things without her even asking. It's just our nature! If my husband told me that I could not have the kids over, we'd have WAR! But they are our kids, which makes a difference for some, but it should not! If he sat down the law about it, then we would have WAR! The husband has no right to tell you that you can't have your own family in your house to help you whenever you need them. he should appreciate the fact they want to help! And, if my husband got drunk and started in on me, his clothes would be out the door, period! I don't approve of drinking, and especially a man trying to show his power afterwards! If he really loves you, he would not leave if you let your family/friends still come over! I'm the kind that would try him out! You've helped him enough that he should appreciate you enough to cut you some slack!
@Barb42 (4225)
• United States
19 Jan 09
Hold on to your convictions! You children will always be your children, but relationships change. He must be blind if he can't see what he is stirring up by not wanting your children or friends to come over to visit you. As you said, he should interact with them when they come over - be friendly and enjoy himself. But my daughter's EX husband was sort of anti-social, too. He didn't forbid her to have anyone over and he came to our house with her. But, we've been there when he refused to do anything but sit and eat and watch TV, and one time was during a birthday party when some of their friends were there. I thought it was so disrespectful of him to ignore those people! And here, he would eat and then say he didn't feel good and go in the bedroom and lay down. It used to make her SO mad! I don't know why some men are like they are! I wish everyone was like my husband. He never meets a stranger and is very gracious even when someone we don't like is around! He used to really upset me when he was so friendly with my daughter's first husband. That guy treated her like a dog, but he'd come around and my husband would serve him up SUGAR like it was going out of style! My daughter would get angry when she found out how her Daddy treated him. But my husband has always said you can get more information out of them when you treat them nicely. It wasn't that he approved of him, but he needed to learn some things and he usually did. Glad to see your sons are still coming over this week. I hope they never get the idea that they don't need to come. You need their support. Just hang in there because it will work out in the end, one way or another. Maybe we need to pray for his attitude to change, and his heart with it.
2 people like this
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
19 Jan 09
Thanks, Barb. Your daughter's ex-husband DOES sound like my husband. I can't remember how many times we've had something going on like a birthday party or something (even Christmas!) when my husband just sat, watched TV and ate, then said he didn't feel good and went and laid down! The funny thing is, my husband and my boys have always gotten along! My sons will always be respectful until a person gives them a reason not to be. So, this little episode has destroyed whatever respect they had for my husband. To be honest, it's destroyed any respect I had left for him, too. My husband seems to think that you have to be mean to a person if you want them to grow. I should have seen something in the way his cat acts! I know that sounds weird, but he has the meanest, most vicious cat I've ever met! He raised this cat from a tiny kitten, found in a box. He had to feed it from a bottle; that's how little it was. He plays mean and HARD with his cat. He'll pester her until she hisses and runs, sometimes scratching him in the process. He just laughs. He's definitely got a sadistic side to him! He hates my cat because my cat was a stray who wandered into our lives when we moved here... even this stray is a sweet, loving cat! I think I'm beginning to see a picture forming here. He was raised by mean parents. He is associating that with love! The thing that confuses me is that, until recently, he's always been very good to me... antisocial, but good. I believe that he thinks he is the man he is today because of the way he was raised. Well, in one respect, he is, but not the part about being a man! He was determined to make something of himself because of his parents and he did. In his mind, that's the ONLY way a person will get the determination to be somebody. He can't see that love can accomplish the same determination as well as a kind heart. He knows how this is tearing me up. He keeps asking me how I am. I don't think I've ever had such an incredulous look on my face so often in my entire life! Like, HUH??? HOW am I??? I'm hurt, I'm pissed, I'm confused, I've just had the rug pulled out from under me. How SHOULD I be??? I'm sure he's worried about what I've been thinking about because I haven't been communicating with him. I HAVE been writing in a journal. He's asked me once what I'm writing about. I just said, "Stuff." It's funny... I've become the antisocial one in the house... at least between the two of us! LOL HE'S doing more talking than I am, for a change! I don't care how he feels anymore about my family or friends coming over. I don't care if he feels the need to go run and hide. I don't care how it upsets his plans. He's feeling that, too. I've always cared about his feelings, until he did this. He made the comment, during our 'discussion', that I've never helped him. I saw RED when he said that! I just called him something I NEVER thought I'd ever call him, and said, "How DARE you say that?!?" After listing a few of the more major things I've done for him, I told him that, since he thinks I never do anything to help him, then I'll just stop helping him. It won't be long before he notices just how much I've been doing for him! I'm sorry. Guess I still have stuff to get off my chest. I don't mean to rant, but it is helping! I'm able to get a clearer picture of who he is and why he's acting this way. I don't know if this marriage will be able to continue now that his true self has been pushed into my face, where I can't avoid his shortcomings, but I'm able to feel better about myself, anyway. It's funny, but with my husband forbiding me to have family and friends over, it's forcing us (my family and friends and me) to have a closer bond! Funny how things can backfire on a person, huh?
2 people like this
@Shar19 (8236)
• United States
18 Jan 09
I really do feel for you. Some of the things he says sound just like my husband like doing things to "better themselves". I think he's really depressed deep inside and he's taking it all out on you. Keep seeing your family and friends no matter what he says. Once a week is really no big deal. It may be what you need to stay sane. Do you think maybe he is jealous because you have such good family and friends? Does he have any friends? Is your husband by any chance a Gemini?
3 people like this
@ladybug565 (2217)
• United States
18 Jan 09
I'm sorry that your husband is being like that. I cant help you because that is exactly why I am single. I could not deal with that and I would tell my husban right where to go. good luck.
3 people like this
@sahmof2 (274)
• United States
18 Jan 09
It sounds as if your husband is going through a depression, I don't see how he can muster up the words to tell you your own sons can't come over. It seems as if he's a little jealous does he have children of his own, does he come from a close-knit family. You two really need to sit down and talk like two adults to work it out and you should not put your family on the back burner for some one who seems as though they aren't happy to see you happy. Too many parent and children relationships are jepordized because of a insecure spouse.
3 people like this
• United States
18 Jan 09
No matter how much you love someone, you can never let them take your family away from you. He might not always be there for you, but your family is there forever, you can't pick your family and you can't make them go away. and i know that if you were to go along with this that you would regret it SOOO much. Family is the most important thing in life, and i can't imagine having the guy i love tell me i can't have them over. That is not normal, he sounds a bit like a control freak to me, not to be mean. And i know that this must put you in the worst position EVER. Because i know if you married him you must really really love him, but i think you two need to have a serious conversation because this is a serious situation. And your son should be able to help you do whatever he wants, your son should be the most important thing in your whole life and your husband shouldn't be able to say anthing about that.
3 people like this
@Chevee (5915)
• United States
18 Jan 09
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I think your husband is going through this phase because of the lose of his job. It's probably making him feel as though he is not in charge anymore. Loosing a job can be a low blow to your ego and that is what he is suffering from. I hope you and he can overcome this obstacle and get on with the good things in life. I am not married but I know it is hard to get a spouse to listen sometimes especially a grown man. He has always been in control of his life and have taken care of his family now things are changing right before his eyes. I wish I had more to tell you and I wish I could tell you something that will cheer you up or that will help you. Right now I am at a lose for words because I have been putting my problems off on you now you need me and there is nothing I can do. He is being completely selfish about your family and friends coming over and to just ignore him will cause more problems so it is like being between a rock and a hard place. We are on the outside looking in and we just can't say what we will and won't do in your situation. The best thing I can say is to deal with it in a sensible way until you can get through to him. I am here for you if you need me just give me an email and I will answer. Keep me inform I care.
3 people like this
• United States
20 Jan 09
Honey, your in the hands of a very controlling insecure and jealouse man if hes forcing you to choose him over family,my advice is get out while you can.your family is FAR more important than he is.NO husband that is secure in his relationship would EVER demand such.NOT ONE! His intent is to isolate you from family and friends so he can have you to himself only.i'm betting one of his greatest fears is being told what im suggesting now.As to why he's like this, i don't know but their is absolutly no excuse for such behavior from him.best thing you can do and he'll force it eventually anyways is to leave.
1 person likes this
• Canada
20 Jan 09
what im wondering is was his parents this way? wife being house wife and his father working ect maybe this is how he was raised? not an excuse mind you.... one can learn from the mistakes of others ect just a whild guess that this has to do with how he was raised.
@thedaddym (1737)
• United States
19 Jan 09
Sounds like your husband is depressed. It sounds like he is seeing himself as a failure and when you sons come to help you it seems to him like you don't think that he is good enough to help you. It may sound silly especially because he could have helped you but did not get around to it yet. When a man loses a job it takes a hard beating on his pride. His pride is hurt right now, and he is trying to find the only way he can think of to protect it and since you are the one closest to him he is taking it out on you. Mostly because he is embarrassed by being made the failure in front of you. Of couse he is not really a failure, but that is how it makes a man feel. You need to encourage him and compliment him on things that he does well, even if they are small. Hopefully that will explain his behavior a bit, but he has no right to tell you can not see your family, especially your children.
@Lindalinda (4116)
• Canada
19 Jan 09
Oh my dear, you do need some professional advice, please please seek some. I think your husband went into deep shock when he lost his job and now has to regain control by controlling you to the point where it is making you sick. You need to take action. talk to your kids. Tell them things are rough at the moment. Then arrange for professional counselling. If you husband does not want to go go alone. If you can move in with some family members for a short time until you get your act together do so. If things don't work out in the long run, consider leaving for good. No one has the right to control another human being to the point of making them into a zombie! Take heart, there is help but you must take your life into your own hands.
• United States
19 Jan 09
if he wants to do it himself he needs to stop saying he will adn actually DO IT. everyone cant do everything on their own and i understand how you feel. i just had a baby and im so sick of .."im gonna help you baby" when it never happens. i turn to my mom for a lot of support right now cause i know if i need something she is there. he shouldnt make you choose between him and your family especially your kids!
1 person likes this
@callarse1 (4796)
• United States
19 Jan 09
Uh, no it's not normal. Sounds like perhaps he's so stressed out? Why is he saying that the family can't come over? Is he abusive? Why is he getting so mad when you're helping him with his business? Why is he getting drunk when he should be working? Perhaps it's time to sit down with him & really talk it out. Cheers. Pablo
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Jan 09
hi mentalward..by the way ur name sounds funny. it made me smile. with your problem. i think its very inconsiderate of your husband to not let anyone come into your house even your sons. here in the phiippines. members of the family all live together in one house, it just change when they have their own family. you know it feels lighter to have your sons at home. they will bring happiness though there are personal problems. i think your husband should start losing those too much pride. i dont know how to comment much cos im still single and dont have a family. but with what i can see with my parents. they have a give and take relationship. when someone's mad they give way. and they give up their pride when they know it's their wrong. try to be open with him, i mean say whatever you feel at that way, you will feel lighter. it's not healthy to think about it by yourself. have someone to talk about this. even say it with your parents so that they will know your situtation. and understand u if they cant visit you whenever they want to.
• Canada
21 Jan 09
OMG Open the door and run away as fast as you can. He is proving to be verbally and emotionally abusive and in alot of cases that is worse than physical abuse. At least wounds will heal but emotional scars NEVER go away. He is keeping you from your family and friends when he says they should not be over and if you seriously think he will be ok with you having a business, remember this post when he tells you your not allowed to do it. he will make up some excuse that women should not have their own businesses. How long have you been married to this guy? When did this crap of his start?
• United States
21 Jan 09
family comes first if he really loves you then he would not have made you choose between him or your family try to come to a agreement on thing and thats not the type of enviornment kids should be placed in either. find a new man because this relationship can turn an abuse relationship if you dont follw his rules you may love him but you have to do whats best for you and those kids
@MagicGuy (157)
• United States
21 Jan 09
Your 'husband' is a jealous control freak. He's afraid that if your family gets to know him, they won't like him and try to convince you to leave him. It has been my experience (Yes, I'm a man) that that's the only reason to keep your loved one from 'their' family (it's his family, too). Yes, it is natural to have family over more than once a week, especially siblings. When I don't go see my mom (I'm 37) she starts calling me with 'what's going on'. She would go nuts if she couldn't see her grand-daughters at least once a week. If your 'husband' lays down rules, then you are his slave. 'Rules' must be for the better of the whole, not one sided (for the master). "The master never helps the slaves, he just tells them what to do."
• United States
20 Jan 09
From the little bit of information describing what your husband does, I would say he is FOR SURE a control freak. He can't control his OWN life so he is controlling YOURS. It is NOT up to him to decide when your family visits. You are an adult and have every right to see who you want. Alienating you from friends and family is one of the methods an "abuser" uses on his victims. You may not feel as though you are being abused--but in fact, you are. He is the one with the problems--not you. What kind of hold does he have over you? Is he withholding money, care, love, etc? Take care of YOURSELF. You are not in a relationship with your husband as it is right now. He is acting as your OWNER. Slavery is over in this country. You sound like a smart woman, so think about what it is that YOU want instead of what HE wants. His boundary issues and lack of confidence will become your prison.
@jarnold51 (124)
• United States
20 Jan 09
I did not read all the answers and I may be repeating what has been said. When a husband tries to isolate his wife from friends, that is the first step in the physical abuse cycle. Soon he'll be hitting you. I lived with an emotionally abusive man for 28 years. GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP before it goes any further. It sounds like he has no intention of improving so you need to do it for him. He'll have to pay alimony starting immediately!! He needs help and he'll never get it until you leave and force him to look at himself. Even then, he may not see what others see. My ex still thinks he was a perfect husband and it was all me. What a sick man!