Help, my daughter is leaving me.

@suegt31 (166)
Australia
January 24, 2009 6:35pm CST
Hi mylotters, my 17 year old daughter has just meet a 19 year old guy about a week ago and she now tells me she is moving 3 and a half hours away with him. I don't want to loose her. She is 17 and i can't legally stop her. I don't know what to do. I am so worried she might be making a big mistake. The guy seems nice enough, but i think it is way to soon. What do you think? I think that she should give it some more time. How do i deal with her being so far away? I will miss her soooooo much. I don't know how to handle it. I don't want to upset her. How do i voice my concerns without upsetting her? How would you deal with this situation? What do you think i shoul do? I need some advice on how to handle this. I suffer from depression and this is really dragging me down. I love her soooo. How do i just let her go?
5 people like this
30 responses
@psspurgeon1 (1110)
• United States
25 Jan 09
Well, first of all, they cannot legally move away until they're 18. Second, if she's not 18 and legally of age, I would explain to her that she will not be leaving and that if she does, you will report her to the police as a runaway. I know it's not going to be pleasant, but it's potentially very dangerous situation since she doesn't know this guy and would be so far away. I would do whatever it took including having her arrested for running away to keep her from going away with him. It's scary being a parent. I dread the days when my daughters are old enough to leave. I wish you the best of luck.
@suegt31 (166)
• Australia
25 Jan 09
I'm not sure where you live but here in Australia we can't do anything about them leaving home after the age of 15. As long as they have a roof over there head and are not in any real danger. My niece ran away with a 47 year old for about 8 months and she was only 16 years old. The police would do absolutely nothing. We were powerless to protect her from this man. Anyway she did come back home. But the damage was already done.
@irishidid (8524)
• United States
25 Jan 09
Yes, they can leave home at 17 in the states. As far as other countries go it might be different. They can also be kicked out at 17.
@suegt31 (166)
• Australia
25 Jan 09
This is just not right. You should have more say in when they can leave home. After all we only want to protect our children.
• United States
25 Jan 09
Oh, I feel so bad for you, I really do. Here in the USA "18" is the legal age so I would be having a horrible time with this too. The only thing I can tell you is keep the door open for her to come back. Never close the door and let her know that. If anything goes wrong, let her know you won't even ask what went wrong. This leaves her a bit more comfortable than you telling her she's making a big mistake. No one wants to hear "I told you so". Just let her know she can come back home whenever she wants without any lectures or reprimands. She'll talk eventually when she feels comfortable, she really will if you have a good relationship. It's very, very hard and I do feel for you. But if it's legal, there's nothing you can do but be there for her. Keep in touch, try to get her to call you somehow on a regular basis, and don't ask too many questions. Just make sure she's ok. Let her know you will always be there for her no matter what. That's the best I can tell you. Just keep the lines of communication open between the two of you, always, no matter what. This is the best I can do for you at this time. I hope everything works out for the best for both of you. It's very hard giving up a child that you love dearly, so like I said before, keep the line's of communication completely open and don't give her the feeling she can't call you regardless of what the problem is. I'm very sorry you're going through this. It's really hard but it might work out in the long run anyway. Keep your chin up.
@suegt31 (166)
• Australia
25 Jan 09
Thanks so much for your response. You are so right in what you say. I don't have a choice, but to do as you have said. It justs hurts so much.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jan 09
My heart is really breaking for you. I did read where someone mentioned having him move in with you. What a great suggestion, but, you must remember to keep your cool, otherwise, out the door they go. Kids are so independent today, and little do they know, they really still need their parents. You know that, and I know that, but they don't. Not until things start happening. Lesson learned. Like I said before, just be there for her, with no strings attached. I know it's hard.
• United States
26 Jan 09
Awww, Thank You so much for BR! I hope all goes well for you. Take care.
@bronie123 (4596)
• United States
25 Jan 09
Just sit her down and voice you thoughts to her in a caring way and dont be rude about any of it and try to be respectful to her. because if she feels that you are just typing to stop her then she will not listen so try to be vocal but yet caring about the situation.
• United States
28 Jan 09
Tell her she has a choice to make. Either you or the 19-year-old. If it doesn't work out this is NOT a revolving door, I would say. I would tell her that I have taught her right from wrong, and if she chooses the wrong path she will have to live with the consequences. I don't know, but I am sure that you can leverage the laws in the state in your favour. Research them. She is still a minor; he is not. It would seem to me that you could say that you don't consent to the two of them being together, and Ol' Boy could be looking at some time. And having to register a Megan's Law offender for life.
@breepeace (3028)
• Canada
9 Feb 09
Wow angusthethird, I think that's going to do far more harm than good. Even if she doesn't do it and only threatens it, she's going to drive a wedge into her relationship with her daughter and do irreparable damage. It does drive me nuts when people threaten with the old statutory rape threat. You might be interested in finding out the actual age of consent in your area. it might surprise you: http://www.avert.org/aofconsent.htm
@CRIVAS (1822)
• Canada
25 Jan 09
Personally I feel the same way as a lot of other people on this subject. I would not want my daughter to leave my house until I thought that she was ready. I think that right now their relationship is in the Bliss stage, I think that there is a very good possiblity that things could very well end on there own. However if that is not something that you would like to wait for, you could also consider having this guy move in with you instead of them moving far away. It might be something that they are willing to consider and it will allow you to keep an eye on things and see what developes. I am sure that everything will work out and I will keep my fingers crossed for you.
@suegt31 (166)
• Australia
25 Jan 09
I have already thought about adding this option to them and will do so. Their is a possiblity that this will end on its own. your right i don't want to wait, but i might not have an option. Thanks for the response.
• United States
25 Jan 09
I, personally, think this is a great idea! One word of caution...keep your nose to yourself or they will leave. Let her come to you, and always, like I said, have the door open for her (and your ears). Don't be too critical, it's like walking on eggshells right now but with any luck, they'll take your suggestion and move in.
• United States
25 Jan 09
Well I am not sure if I would want my daughter to leave before she is 18. See legally I would still be responiable for her and this would also hurt as you are stating here as well. I would tell her how you feel and that you are worried and scared for her. Sharing your feelings make help her change her mind or might make her rethink it all too. I also want to say you are never gonna let her go in a sense but kids to grow up and she is almost an adult too so I would keep this in mind too. I hope this helps you and happy mylotting to you as well.
@suegt31 (166)
• Australia
25 Jan 09
Hi, thanks for the response. I will try and tell her how i feel, but i really don't think it will help.
@ourfff (64)
• China
25 Jan 09
tell her,the life is so long,does she decide to choise her life,if did it would not come back.And you should share your experience too.
@Rara90 (7)
• Australia
12 Jul 09
How did things go? I really hope things turned out well, your daughter happy, healthy, a little bit wiser maybe...
@suegt31 (166)
• Australia
12 Jul 09
Thanks so much for caring. She is back home now. I really don't know if she is any wiser, but she is home again where i can try to keep her happy and healthy. Thanks again for your interest and kind thoughts of us.
@Rara90 (7)
• Australia
20 Feb 09
The absolute best thing you can do, is to support her. I know that sounds hard, but she needs to know that she cana have both you AND her boyfriend... And if you say anything against it, she will rebel against you further, and it will damage her bond with you. What she needs to know is that you'll be just a call away, a drive away, and if she needs anything you'll be there for her, and that's the most important thing. But you probably should hold back any misgivings about the guy. If she leaves on a happy, positive note, it'll be easier for her to return to you if it all falls apart on her, because she won't have a pride barrier after an argument, and she won't feel like she's being criticised for making a mistake. So my advice: smile, tell her you love her, you understand, and keep close contact with her, because I know you don't want to lose her.
@suegt31 (166)
• Australia
20 Feb 09
Thanks for the response. You have made some good suggestions, which i am using right now.
@katrhina23 (1282)
• United States
25 Jan 09
whew. This is really a difficult situation. I dont know how i could handle that is this happens to me.. Well if you can't stop her from doing that, just let her know that you are still there to protect her and she is more than welcome to come back..
@suegt31 (166)
• Australia
25 Jan 09
I guess this is all i can do. It doesn't make it any easier though.
@Krissta (90)
• Canada
25 Jan 09
I am so sorry you are going through this. I was once in your daughters position, the only differece was, that I had a one year old daughter I was taking with me. As a parent now, I dread the day my children leave home whether its time or not, but at the same time, I realize, my parents let me make my own mistakes, or choices. I choose to leave, and move in with my boyfriend at the time, and my parents had no choice but to let me. My parents just made me very aware that at anytime, I could call, just to talk, or come home, no questions asked. I think it was the best thing they could do. If they would of told me I was making a mistake, i would of left anyways, on bad terms, and would prolly not have the relationship with them that I do today. I think you need to let your daughter spread her wings and try to fly, just make sure she knows that you will always be there to catch her if she falls. Hope this helps, and good luck..
@suegt31 (166)
• Australia
25 Jan 09
Thanks for the comments.
• Brazil
25 Jan 09
Well we can't keep our kids by our side forever, let her try to live with him, if it doesn't work out I bet she's going to come back running to mommmy's arms.
@suegt31 (166)
• Australia
25 Jan 09
I guess i really don't have a choice. I know your right she will come running back if it doesn't work, but i will miss her sooooooooo and i don't want her to be hurt.
• China
5 Mar 09
I think you could talk with her friends about this thing! Then you could let her friends chatting with her with this problem! Don't so worried about this thing! Every child have this phase to grow up!
@carolscash (9502)
• United States
12 Feb 09
I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I just started a discussion that you might want to read about my daughter turning 18 today and the worries that I have for her. She is a good girl but I have always had fairly strict rules and I worry now that she is 18 and thinks that she should not have rules as to what will happen with her. I will pray for you and your daughter and I wish you both the best. I hope that you can talk to her and share your feelings with her. I hope that she will see that she hasn't known this guy long enough to move in with him. Keep us posted!
• Ireland
9 Feb 09
I think you should show her this post. It will help her understand. And tell her you'll always be there for her no matter her decision. That's all you can do. Forcing her to live with you won't help the situation.
• Philippines
9 Feb 09
WOW. Seventeen's already LEGAL? Honestly, I don't know how to answer your query. Maybe it's all about cultural differences. If that happened here in where I live I'm sure my mother will not keep her door open anymore. I'm of legal age as well, but I wouldn't think of moving into my boyfriend's house that early. A week? Something looks wrong in there. You, as a parent, can be patient about her. We're all still in the adolescent stage, still trying to find ourselves. When she figures it all out [let's hope that that one happens soon enough], she'll come back. Welcome her with open arms and be thankful when that happens. As for now, though, keep in touch with her. She's still too young for these kind of things.
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
26 Jan 09
If after you have explained to her the disadvantages of having a relation at an early age and she still pursued she can't blame you later when she finds out she's wrong.But if you knew from the start that the guy is not good enough and will ruin your daughter's life you better warn her.But anyway if you really can't stop her just be supportive always.You have to accept the facts of life.She is entitled to have her new life.Showing your love for her is all what you have to do now.
@Homedad (168)
• United Arab Emirates
25 Jan 09
Since it is legal in your country for that age to be independent, you cannot do anything to stop her. If she has already made up her mind and she's really into him, stopping her will just result to her hating you. The only thing you can do is talk to her that you will gonna miss her and if anything bad happens there is always home. Give her some advice and tell her to be careful. Good luck and be strong.
@rizzu87 (860)
• Malaysia
25 Jan 09
This is the worst thing i hate about western countries. Parents their give birth to their child and when the children grow up they leave their parents so easily. They dont even think that they are the parents who did everything for us. and you say you dont have rights legally to stop her. O come on she is your daughter not a daughter of your neighbor. I think you have to be strict with her in this case. I hope she doesn't leave you!!
@nigenh (167)
• India
25 Jan 09
I will give a simple idea. Just show this thread to her. If she is mature enough she will understand your feelings for sure because after she has seen your query & so many responses from others (obviously elder people than her) I think she would understand.
@Takashy (496)
• Latvia
25 Jan 09
Tell her what you think. Tell her that she should spend some more time with him before moving to his place. I mean really, 1 week isn't a long time. :/
@bhanusb (5709)
• India
25 Jan 09
You love your daughter so much.But once you have to depart her.One day she will marry and will live with her husband.But your daughter is still a teenager.She may take wrong decision .Call her to come home.Learn details about the boy.If you think she is going in the wrong direction then try to convince her. Don't let her go away from you.