Venting

@Robin55 (225)
United States
January 25, 2009 10:37pm CST
I just found out today that my father is dying of cancer. It's all throughout his chest and abdominal cavity and is at stage 4, so it's only a matter of time. He got his results on Friday and I knew he was going to see the doctor that day and so I called that evening and left a message to call me. He never did. I only found out about this by the way people were talking to me at church today. The rest of his side of the family all knew, he decided to tell them, but not his own children, who were humiliated because we didn't know and couldn't answer any questions since we didn't have any information. Am I wrong to be angry? I am so hurt by this. Everyone keeps saying well maybe he didn't know how to tell you. That's a load of crap because if he could tell other members of the family, he could have certainly told us. Am I way off base here? I'm not five years old anymore, I'm 37 and went through the same thing last year with my mother, who died of lung cancer. My parents had divorced when I was 7 and he basically divorced us kids. The last couple of years I thought that we were repairing our relationship, but apparently I was wrong. I am so lost.
1 person likes this
6 responses
@anklesmash (1417)
26 Jan 09
i am sorry to here it i lost my father aswell spend as much as possible with him if you don't you'll regret it later.
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@Robin55 (225)
• United States
27 Jan 09
Thank you both for the advice. I am working through things. My father has made it clear that he doesn't want much contact, so I'm abiding by his wishes. The ball is in his court. I will call from time to time, but I won't crowd him and upset him. He's going to have to let me know how much he wants to talk and so forth. That's the best that I can do for him.
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@smartie0317 (1612)
• United States
26 Jan 09
I am very sorry to hear this. I hope, despite how it sounds, you father does not suffer. Cancer can be hard. Many of my relative have had it. Try to spend as much time as you can with him now. It may be hard to see him, but you will not regret it. You and your family are in my prayers. Try to stay strong.
1 person likes this
• India
31 Jan 09
Robin, I think there must be some reason, why he is keeping u in dark. Either he thinks u can not bear the pain or he is still angry on some misdeed of urs. Either way u have to clarify the position to him. If he is angry on some issue which u think u r right, then u can get it solved with some mediator. Anyway now when he is in last stage of cancer, u have to bless him & pray for recovery. Pray this prayer( each sentence 3 times) 1.God I love U. 2. God thank u for the gifts u have given me in my life.(Repeat as many times as u can think of a good thing u got) 3.God u r inside me & giving me blessings. 4.God u r in my father- I love my father-God Bless Him. I see God in every thing -I love them-God Bless them. 5.God use me for doing ur good deeds. This way u'll start loving him.
@Robin55 (225)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I've never said that I didn't love my father. In fact, I wouldn't have been nearly as upset over all of this if I didn't love him so much. I appreciate you prayer suggestions, however, I have my own method of praying, although your kindness is very appreciated.
@proudnana (192)
• Canada
30 Jan 09
First of all I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my mother to cancer in June of 2007. I was with her at the time the cancer was diagnosed and was with her at the end when she passed away 2 weeks later. Everything happened so fast from the time we found out until she had passed away. When you first hear the news of having cancer, its a terrible shock to the person and also the family members. It may be that your father may be trying to figure out a way to tell you to make it easier on you as you had just recently gone through with it with your mom. So, what I would do in your situation, and i don't mean to sound harsh, is rather than being upset with him cherish the time that you have left with him. He needs you right now for comfort and support. ~proudnana~
@Robin55 (225)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Well, see, that's part of the trouble. He doesn't seem to want to spend much time with anyone. I think that not telling us children personally was his way of a cop-out from having to deliver the news in person. I've never doen anything to the man except to let him know that I didn't appreciate basically growing up without a father, by his choice, not mine. I've missed my father since I was a young child, when he an my mother divorced and now, when I've been trying to build up a relationship with him as an adult, I'm being cheated out of the chance to get to know him again because he won't let me close again. He doesn't even want my brothers and myself going over to visit. I can't force myself on him. But, I've talked with our Pastor and I've just decided that the ball is in Dad's court and I'll be there if he wants me and if not, well then so be it. I can't change the man, he is what he is and some people just don't have deep emotions within them in order to deal with things. He's one of those people and I'm coming to accept that.
• United States
14 Mar 09
Robin, I'm sorry to hear about your father and how torn you are. My mother was diagnosed with cervical and uterine cancer last year. We were lucky they found it early, she had a total hysterectomy and never had to do any chemo. It took her a few weeks before she ever told myself or either of my 3 brothers. She told friends before ever telling my father. She said it was easier to tell others than to tell all of us. It was almost like she was looking for advice from others how to break it to all of us. My father, brother and myself all went to the hospital with her and sat there during her surgery and I was the one who brought her home. She now has another scare that 3 more areas has become cancerous again. She did come to us first this time. When she first found out she didn't want anyone around her at all. She basically shut herself up in her house and had no contact with anyone. Hopefully your father is in that stage. Almost a denial stage. Like if no one is around me I really don't have it. It's hard for them to have people they love around them at first. I don't blame you for not wanting to push yourself on him. Hopefully after he gets through this stage it will get better and he will realize he really does need the support of his family also. Best of luck and stay strong.
• United States
28 Jan 09
Hi Robin! I am so sorry about your dad!! I would be upset too if I was you and my father didn't tell me first. But I think some people just handle things differently. You just gotta be kinda understanding and just spend as much time as you can with him. God bless!! Tanya www.youravon.com/tnoell