Do you fight in front of your children?

fighting - stop fighting in front of children
@ronaldinu (12454)
Malta
January 26, 2009 8:43am CST
I guess that as other normal married couples I do have some disagreements with my spouse every now and than. It is not the first time that we have one of these heated disagreements [I] (when she says that I am her prince charming plus other nice titles, while I often reply with some comments that I’d better leave out of here)[I] in front of our son. Last time he was so preoccupied that he came near me and said “Dad, do you know what is going to happen if you continue fighting? I asked him what will happen. “Dad you two better stop fighting otherwise you “ll end up getting separated!”
12 people like this
39 responses
@moondancer (7434)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Out of the mouths of children. This is a terrific fear of children when they see their parents even in a small disagreement. I don't think we should argue, fuss, or otherwise get into a discusion in fron of the children. That is something that is best for the bedroom or when children are not in ear shot I know there have been many times we waited to discuss something waiting until we were alone. This is a good practice to get into because it gives you that cool down time that you need so that hopefully nothing will be said that is regreted later. A very good discusion ronald. I hope many couples will head the comments in these responses.
2 people like this
@ronaldinu (12454)
• Malta
26 Jan 09
I know that it is not healthy to fight in front of your kids but it does sometimes happen as I am unable to bite my tongue. However I was surprised to learn how much sensitive my son is and the real preoccupation he showed! Anyway later on my wife and I had a close chat to keep these things to a minimum in front of him.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Jan 09
We can't always be expected to hold our tongue when upset about something.
1 person likes this
@SwtJenlove (1090)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Me and my fiance have little arguments here and there but when we are having them we make sure to let the kids hear us. Its not something they need to be involved in and i dont think they should listen to an adults conversation anyways. I do have some friends who fight and argue infront of there kids and it has caused the kids emotional problems.
2 people like this
• United States
26 Jan 09
I feel the same -- I don't want me and my husband to argue nor talk about anything about bills or whatever problems we may be having. It's not healthy to the kids and believe me it does do something to them. I remember when my parents use to fight infront of us kids and it stressed me out! When I was 12 I had 1 piece of gray hair which I pulled out and haven't seen one since. My parents have been divorced for many many years now. So I have always told myself that I wouldn't put my kids in that situtation. Fighting or adult talk is behind close doors, not near or somewhere where your kids can hear..and trust me..they can hear pretty good!
• Philippines
27 Jan 09
I agree. Let kids be kids as long as thy could. Spare them from the stress that squabbling parents could induce. They don't need to get involved.
@nanajanet (4437)
• United States
26 Jan 09
I tried not to buy my husband never cared, which drove me nuts. Now my daughter says that we had better not argue in front of her child, and I try not to, but again, husband has a thick skull. Disagreeing is one thing, fighting is another and I feel parents should not do it in front of kids. It causes stress for the children and it is not fair.
1 person likes this
@ronaldinu (12454)
• Malta
26 Jan 09
LOL@thick skull... I hope that he does not read your posts here
1 person likes this
@nanajanet (4437)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Hehe, he does not. He does not do or know much on the computer and even if he did, I have told him that before. LOL
@dragon54u (31054)
• United States
26 Jan 09
When I was married we tried to never fight in front of the children. We never had many arguments, anyway. I don't think it's a bad thing to argue in front of your children if it's not serious--it shows them how adults deal with their problems, discussing them and solving them together. They'll know about problem solving when they get married.
1 person likes this
26 Jan 09
Hi ronaldinu, Wow! the things kids learn today eh? I don't havde any children but when we agrue and my husband got a loud voice that my cats all run out, and I'd say look what you are doing to the cats, so I can imagine how kids feel. Tamara
1 person likes this
@cyberfluf (5005)
• Netherlands
26 Jan 09
I haven't got children of my own yet, but I make sure never to argue in front of my fosterbrother or in front of the children at work. People tend to overlook that children take in anything and everything you say, and it is often heard that children blame themselves for adults that are fighting. I guess you can't allways prevent children from witnessing an arguement, but it is a good thing being aware of the possible damage it does to children and try to prevent it from happening as often as possible.
@messageme (2821)
• United States
26 Jan 09
That is hard to hear from your child isn't it. However, I do not argue in front of our kids. I think there are times when the kids are in the other room and one (the ease dropper) over hears our conversation. We do not raise our voices when arguing either so how does he here, I don't know because when we are talking to him he don't hear/listen to a thing we say. But I know he ease drops because there are times he will ask a question about what we were talking about. Which doesn't even concern him so I just tell him its an adult matter and he will understand when he gets older. We usually don't have blowen out fights though just disagreements.
1 person likes this
@Shar19 (8236)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Sometimes we do fight in front of the kids because they just happen to be in the room when the argument arises. We just tend to forget that those little ears are there listening. I do try to take my husband into another room behind closed doors to talk in a quiet voice if there is something I really need to argue with him about.
1 person likes this
@GAUCI123 (1042)
• Malta
26 Jan 09
Well it is normal that couples fight, some times me any my spouse fight and my child screams and shouts to stop. When parents fight children are scared that their parents dosent love each other any more or they may think that their parents are fighting because of them.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Jan 09
Me and my husband, when we start living together we fight a lot it was before but not anymore now, he does have grown kids, and i don't have a kid.. I think its not good to fight infront of your kids thats not healthy for them. Well try to avoid fighting infront of them...
1 person likes this
@SueD823 (371)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Of course it is going to happen, I can't see how you can totally avoid the situation. In my opinion it is part of a relationship that a child should see, and I don't mean "fighting" or "yelling" but having a healthy disagreement. Too many people start an argument in front of their children and then move it to another room in the house. The children never see mom and dad "make up". Children must see how this happens, how to resolve conflict in a healthy way. For your son, of course he sees too much on t.v. and perhaps in life, too. But for him to see that disagreements are part of any relationship and that it never means it is over, is more healthy for him. I think a little explanation would take care of his fear that you and mommy may separate if you argue. Great topic!
1 person likes this
@kun2349 (23475)
• Singapore
26 Jan 09
All i remember is that, my parents used to fight in front of me and my brother.. BUt most of the time, they will try to control themselves unless it's really unbearable, only then they will start to unleash.. There were a few times when their arguements got so serious that i was woken up from my sleep and i saw a chopper on the bed!! Ever since then, i have seen any serious fights between them anymore..
1 person likes this
@laglen (19783)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Thats cute! I do not fight in front of her. I will either wait til she is in bed or gone from the house. We generally don't fight much, not much point.....
1 person likes this
@balasri (26577)
• India
26 Jan 09
I don't remember fighting even in the first place.So the question of fighting before our child never arises. "Spread a smile"
1 person likes this
@bellaofchaos (11553)
• United States
30 Jan 09
Yeah we argue every once in a while but the knock down drag out we mostly do are when the kids aren't around or outside or not home and away. I know that I'm not going to be able to protect them from all the squabbles that we have but as long as they know when we are done that we still love eachother.. But for the record we try to fight away from the kids earshot or when they aren't here.
@ronaldinu (12454)
• Malta
31 Jan 09
Hi bellaofchaos. We usually do the same. But sometimes stupid arguments do crop up when you least expect them, when you are tired and edgy.
@Sreekala (18205)
• India
27 Jan 09
Hi Ronald, Disagreement may happen in between partners because we all are human beings. We do some arguments in front of the kids if it is healthy. In the other side if we (both) are on an angry mood I prefer to keep silent for the family sake (lol). In my opinion fighting in front of kids is not wise, it may affect them badly. I prefer to sort out the problem in person but later I forget the same so the problem is also getting ended without our knowledge.
@ronaldinu (12454)
• Malta
27 Jan 09
I do agree that it is not healty to fight in front of them.
@youless (83805)
• Guangzhou, China
31 Jan 09
I try to avoid the fight in front of my child. And even I try to avoid crying in front of my child. I hope to leave a positive effect for my son. In the past I posted a discussion here about whether it's OK for a little boy to go to the toilet with his mom. I was very annoyed as at that time my son was 3 years old. We went to have a swimming together and we went to the washing room to change clothes. But an evil woman abused us and I really felt so hurt and angry. But I didn't want to quarrel with her as my son might not know what's wrong and cried. So I gave in. I love China
@syankee525 (6298)
• United States
30 Jan 09
we used too, tried not too but back in the days i had lot of issues, not we don't really fight between us, we often fight over other people and now since my kids are older, well my daughter live with us still she will tell us ok now stop you guys only fight over other people crap..
@oldboy46 (2133)
• Australia
30 Jan 09
When I was married to my ex-wife, we did have some disagreements and mostly did try to keep them from our daughters but at the very end and after we separated, the girls probably heard everything. A lot of things we said then were not nice or polite either and they did affect the children. My partner had a very violent abusive first marriage and her children used to talk about what they heard and saw during those days. It means they went to counselling to understand that it was not normal etc. When my partner and I decided we wanted to be together, we talked it through and agreed that it was not good for the children if they saw or heard us having a serious disagreement. So we limited that as much as we possibly could and in fact would always go for a walk and discuss the issue away from the children. It was a time of adjustment for all of us and given the history of the children we were very careful not to repeat previous mistakes. Both my partner and I went to counselling individually and as a couple and we also gave our children the option of attending sessions individually, as a group and as a family unit. That did help quite a lot I believe. However in saying that, I have to add that many of the potential disagreements were caused by the children. The main culprits were my 2 daughters who would attempt to manipulate me at every turn and of course their aim was to cause trouble between my partner and I. Part of the problem was that they lived with their mother in another state and so were only with us for long weekends and school holidays for a start. They resented that I was building a good relationship with my stepchildren etc, so we had to handle things delicately and ensure they were included in everything. After a while they came to live with us for a couple of years and learnt that they could no longer have their own way etc. That did help as they felt part of the family rather than being part time family members. I can honestly say that when my partner and I have disagreed about something, we have taken good care not to do it in front of the children. If they tried anything they were simply told that we (parents) would discuss the matter by ourselves and let them know what we decided. All of them soon learnt that there was no point in trying to cause trouble between us, because ultimately it meant trouble for them too. All that means is we do not have a disagreement in front of the children.
@zandi458 (27954)
• Malaysia
29 Jan 09
One advice from me is 'Never fight in front of the children' From my experience my son turns out anti social after witnessing the many arguments we had. He is grown up man now but he seems to be a confuse man. It has strong impact on him. If you do want to fight, go outside where the children could not witness the 'battle'.