Should i press the issue of marriage or leave it alone?

Me - Me before new years =]
United States
January 26, 2009 9:41am CST
I have been with my fiance for 11 years and some months. our 12 years will be september 16th 2009. We have had our breaks ups and our times of cheating when we were younger but we have grown up and managed to get thru it all and still be together now for over 11 years. I still have some jealousy issues because he is a flirt and sometimes takes it to levels or speaks in levels with other people that i dont think are appropriate. Im sure he has some with me because not to sound conceeded or anything,i am a pretty attractive lady. We have went as far as going to get our marriage license and that was it. he backed out at the last minute i guess because he "wasnt ready". He claims he doesnt need a piece of paper to tell him who he loves and who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Me on the other hand its more then that. I love him to death i love our 3 kids to death and i dont feel i am apart of them because im the only one in the family with a different last name. his job has benefits that i am not able to get because we arent married. It hurts but at the same time i know he comes home to me every night. I am just wondering if i should just leave it be or press the issue?What are your thoughts on it?
2 people like this
17 responses
• United States
26 Jan 09
If it means that much to you I would push it. If it were me I would have started pushing a long long time ago. I think by now it would be a common law marriage anyways. It's not just a slip of paper telling you that he loves you it's so much more than that. It's a commitment he has to be willing to make. Just let him know how much it means to you and how hurt you are by the fact that it hasn't happened yet. Good Luck!
2 people like this
• United States
26 Jan 09
Thank you! After we had got the marriage license and he decided he didnt want to do it he basically said he did that to shut me up lol. typical male but he still tells me he doesnt need that "piece of paper" and i have told him how it means alot to me and he said "he just cant do it" (at that time anyways) but we have 3 kids together have been together for ages i know he isnt going anywhere and he knows im not going anywhere. i just dont see what his big deal against it is.
@Modestah (11192)
• United States
26 Jan 09
may I ask why do you refer to him as your fiance then?
@nympha687 (940)
• United States
26 Jan 09
When was the last time you talked about marriage? When was this getting the marriage license thing? If it were years before, then perhaps things have changed. Why don't you ask him again in a less serious, less coercing voice and see if his thoughts about marriage have changed. Maybe he is just waiting for you to start this discussion. It hurts not to be carrying his name and really when worse comes to worst, you wouldn't have any claim. With the kids and all, I think it's just the piece of paper that's missing. Perhaps, you could tell him honestly how this means a lot to you and how happy you'd be to be his wife.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Jan 09
Its been about 2 years i believe since we went to get the marriage license. he still makes little comments about how he is scared we will get married and ill go cheat on him again because i had cheated in the past as well as he has. neither one of us are perfect we both hurt each other in our past and we managed to get thru it and still be together to this day so i dont see what his big issue is with it. i think he likes having the status of "not being married" especially since when he was at the bar the last time a girl asked to see his left hand and noticed no ring but when she asked him if he was with anyone he said yes so that made me feel a little better. but he is a major flirt which i accepted when we first got together. its just sometimes his flirting conversations are far from acceptable. lol. we moved to florda from maryland about 4 years ago and thats where we had alot of problems there with not being trusted by each other and so on. I have done nothing to have him doubt me since we moved here and have no intentions of hurting him anymore. my whole life has changed my outlook on life has changed and i want to commit myself to him forever and always he knows that but i still believe he has some doubts. and i cant blame him for that since i was untrustable there a few times in maryland but i have changed and have given him no reason to not trust me since we have moved and started our lives over in a different area together. but he is another story. his flirting sometimes makes me nervous lol. like i said some of his flirting isnt acceptable lol. all of our friends are married and some even divorced now because they cant grow up lol. a set of friends who had been together as long as we have and have been to just the same amount of drama if not more finally tied the knot. i was so excited for them.
• United States
26 Jan 09
You know exactly what's keeping him from proposing. You hurt his ego when you cheated on him. On this double-standard society, that's too embarrassing and painful for him. Perhaps he still isn't over it yet. Prove him that you have changed and that you'll never do that again. As to his flirting, it could be his way of boosting his ego or he was just deliberately doing that to hurt you. In that way, he could make you realize what you have done to him. Show him some jealousy, tell him you don't feel good about his flirting. Probably.he'd stop. He wanted to make sure his tactic worked. If you aren't a jealous person, this might leave him to think that you don't love him that much and that you are not worried about losing him. Boost his ego. Compliment him once in a while and most of all show that you are a loving wife and a caring mother.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Jan 09
He knows im a jealous person i have always been jealous because he treats other girls totally different from how he treats me. For example we had got into an argument a few weeks ago because he was texting this girl that at one time no one had liked. he was out playing cards and was texting her in between i guess. she was making comments like "hey licky licky" and he would respond with the same thing. then they were talking about entertainment and he said "id rather have other entertainment" and her response was "like what, me?" and his response was "Duhhhhhhhhhh" and then she had made another comment like "you'd like to be here right now im getting ready to take a bubble bath" lol thats not a converstaion you have when your with someone. she knows he has kids but she doesnt know about "me" and when i ask him why his response is "the conversastion hasnt come up" and he then says "she knows i have kids so that must mean im with someone" but we almost broke up that night because of that converstaion. but he still talk to her he just makes sure he deletes his text messages so i cant read them lol and has her hidden in his phone. then he says "i flirt but i know what my limits are and how far i can take things" and my response was "well that conversation isnt acceptable and i wont look at it as it was and you are with me so you shouldnt be talking *like that* to people" so i guess thats enough jealousy right? I think thats one of his complaints about why we arent married because of my jealousy.. or thats what he tells my mom. because my mom has had converstaions with him about it before and im sure when she reads this post cause she is here on mylot too she can put some of his other responses to her on here. lol
@SukiSmiles (1998)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Wow, I was just reading though all the comments and you must really love him. Because there is no way I would have stayed with him. I am not as jealous as I used to be and I those txts were too much. I would call that cheating. I don't care if he planned to act on them or not. So, you both cheated on each other in the past - looks like you have risen above it, but it doesn't sound like he has. It saddens me that he is not mature enough to over come his fear (or excuses) to marry you. It might just be a piece of paper to him, but he should recognize how important it is to you. Not to mention the benefits you would receive - I assume medical and life benefits. I would hope that he would want to have you covered in case something ever happened to him.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Jan 09
Yea the other bad part of it is that when i confront him about this it was like 3 in the morning because i had taken my pillow and me and my 9 month old slept in the living room so when he woke up in the middle of the night and seen us out there he mumbled something so i went in the room and confronted him about it and he was defending this girl because i had threatened to call her after he had said she didnt anything about me but knew he had kids so that should mean he is with someone. he was telling me not to call her cause she didnt do anything. so i asked him why he was defending her and he says because she didnt do anything. but he thinks his conversation was acceptable and that it was only flirting. I stay at home all the time with the kids, i let him go out every weekend to play cards (which she plays cards with them as well) but i know my step cousin and step brother wouldnt let him do something stupid with this girl. He knows im not going anywhere, yea the cowboys down here are nice looking in there cowboy hats and cowboy boots and plenty have smiled at me but im not gonna leave him for one of these cowboys. I have my family and i love my family with all my heart i want us to be a real family and he just doesnt want to have that "married" status im guessing. he was saying before that he didnt expect to be tied down at 30 with 3 kids.. well i guess he should have thought about that before we had our first one lol not 3 kids later lol he trips me out sometimes with some of the things he says. i just laugh because im thinking.. how dumb does he think i am.. does he expect me to be the "girlfriend" forever. and at one time he had said that he wouldnt be able to give me the satisfaction of being married so i should just leave him and find someone who could give me that. lol he literally confuses me at times.
@spalladino (17925)
• United States
26 Jan 09
I forgot to mention earlier that there are certain milestones that men get freaky about. Turning 30 is one of them. I know he's a little bit over 30 now but he's feeling older these days...questioning his attractiveness...seeing his youth disappearing in front of his eyes. Doesn't give him an axcuse to cross that invisible line though and you know I didn't pull any punches when he brought the subject of those text messages to me. I told him that your stepfather would STILL be in traction!
• United States
27 Jan 09
You know that mom's advice is usually the best! Although, I have to mention that my husband, who is over 45, says that guys use the excuse of their escaping youth as an excuse to do what they want. To give themself validation over what they are doing that they know they probably shouldn't be doing in the first place. It sounds (post below)that your boyfriend has other deep rooted problems that need to be addressed. I would definately dicuss with him medical cost - "how do you want to pay for medical expenses - out of pocket or with insurance?". Without insurance it's really expensive.
@spalladino (17925)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Disclaimer: To those who don't already know, I'm Jen's mom. I've had a couple of talks with Joey about this...even started a big fight over it once...but a couple of minor health issues that you have which aren't being addressed due to your lack of insurance coverage concerns me. If something happened to you tomorrow that could have been avoided had you received regular medical care, I doubt Joey would be able to forgive himself. I do know that he loves you and the kids but he keeps falling back on the abandonment issues he harbors because his mother ran off when he was so young. This affects his ability to trust completely. You, however, have the right to be able to get treatment for your migraines and to have the problem with your neck looked at...among other things. He also has control issues, as you know...which he gets from his father. Remember how getting the marriage license was his idea and how you had no idea that you guys were going to the courthouse when you got it? If you push too hard he will push back but I'm not saying that you should keep quiet about your feelings either. Joey says that you don't express your feelings so maybe this is an area where you should start. Tell him how you feel separate from him and the kids because you have a different last name. Ask him how you should answer when one of the kids eventually asks about it. It would be a lie for you to say that mommy doesn't want to get married so how would telling the truth make daddy look? Tell him that you've neglected your health for too long and that you need to see a doctor about your headaches and your neck...for your benefit and because you can't really take care of the two little ones when your head is throbbing. You've been getting headaches more frequently and need to be on regular medication...it's been put off for too long. So, let him decide how it's going to be handled...out of pocket or through the insurance? He had reservations when he left his last job to take the (better) one he has now but he took the chance. With the uncertainty of the future of the industry he has reservations about staying there but he's taking the chance. Whether the two of you are married or not, if a breakup happens somewhere down the road, it's going to be just as difficult and just as painful because of the children. The odds of a future breakup lessen if you're married...not because of a piece of paper but because of the vows you take. They're usually pretty important words with a lot of meaning behind them. Lastly, though, I would recommend that you wait until his father is doing better because he's pretty concerned about him right now so he's already stressed about that. If you want to talk to me before you talk to him so you can get your thoughts and words in order let me know. I know emailing him is easier for you but this really should be done face to face when you do it. I love you.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Jan 09
Thanks mom! I know he is worried about his dad so im not going to say anything to him right now about it. he has made comments about one day i might have the same last name "if i straighten up" and i havent done anything for him to say that expect complaing about his flirting lol. Thanks for the advice
@ctrymuziklvr (11060)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Go for the ring! - wedding rings
After 11 years I would start pressing the issue of marriage. A lot of people would say don't bother but I guess I'm old fashioned where that is concerned. My daughter was with her man for 20 years and never married. In the ended up almost killing each other! I say go for the ring!
• United States
26 Jan 09
Thanks! Yea i am really thinking about bring it up again because i think its been about 2 years since we went and got the marriage license.
@bamrahkirti (1819)
• India
27 Jan 09
what i can make out from your discussion is that you have a very long and steady relationship.Though you have seen ups and downs in your life bur both of you have always been together.You have 3 kids and he is taking the full responsibility of the household.I think marriage should not be a big issue for him because it will definitely boost your relationship and you will feel more secure.Convince him,tell him the advantages of getting married,slowly and steadily try to persuade him .I hope he will definitely understand your wishes and aspirations and go ahead to take a marriage license.
• United States
27 Jan 09
I've read many of the post people have replied to you and you got a lot of good advice. I asked my husband about your situation and he said that their something up with your boyfriend and he needs to really start talking. He also says that you should really seat him down and tell him what it means to you because you want to marry the love of your life and the father to your children and you understand that he doesn't need the paper to let him know he loves you but he should let the world know that his with you because when you go some where your being looked at as this woman who just have his kids and it's even effecting your health and that he says he loves you but he really have to prove it. I personally i agree with my hubby and I came up with the similar advice but i felt in order to help you out you need an mans point of view. oh and my hubby says that he shouldn't bring up the fact that you cheated on him because you both choice to move on and pass that and you both made mistakes . Oh and as for that text i feel it's cheating and he can't be that naive in tinkling that's normal convo I hope my advice helps you
@bing28 (3798)
• Philippines
27 Jan 09
For almost 12 years, he is living with you and you have 3 children, meaning to say there's something with you, he didn't see in others. You have all the edges compared to his previous or even to those whom he's flirting at present. Have a little more patience, just be yourself continue showing great love and concern for the family. Be more thoughtful, more caring and understanding. Avoid starting even a little quarrel. Maintain the bonding and happiness in the family, then pray hard to God to touch Joey's heart and mind to grant you the marriage you'd been longing for. Pray, pray and pray to God before you talk to him about marriage. God is Good. With him, nothing is impossible.
@Modestah (11192)
• United States
26 Jan 09
I can not really answer for you - but for myself I would not hang around if he was not willing to marry me. 12 years and youth of the woman wains away waiting for him to commit. I do not think it is the piece of paper that marries you, it only makes it legal for civil reasons... like the health insurance issues. But, in my belief it is a commitment made with God. Would you want any of your children joining lives with someone under the same circumstances, 12 years - procreating, not married?
@silverjam (969)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Personally for me I would have to (press the issue of marraige) as the lentgh of time being w/ him is quite long enough to say it's just for fun. I believe marraige to be a serious commitment and it seems your man doesn't believe in it at all. Well sadly it's the disadvantage of such kind of relationship because you cannot have the legal rights you ought to have supposedly had you been married. If you are really interested in settling down and have a legal family you can call your own I guess you have to talk this seriously w/ him and explain him the advantage of being married. Am just wondring why he backed out for that reason, considering the lentgh of time you were together; you must have known each other pretty well enough. Does he still thought of finding another? Why can't he make such commitment w/ you? And most of all, does he still love you? those are few questions you need to talk w/ him as I have seen the issue of backing out stems from these.
• United States
26 Jan 09
If you want a marriage then you have a right to be in one.Don't let him make that decision for you!You have three kids with this man.He's not respecting you or your children.
@mermaidivy (15417)
• United States
26 Jan 09
I think you should bring this issue to him again. If I were you, I would tell him I really want to be your official wife, part of the family to become a real Mrs. ???. It's really nice that you can have a good relationship with your fiance for such a long time, maybe now it's time to really write a new page with him - to get married to become somethin bigger. I wish you the best! :-)
@barehugs (8986)
• Canada
26 Jan 09
Why flog the dog with a wet straw? Do you honestly believe a marriage certificate will make your union any Happier? Did you know you can get your name changed without being married? You will be sorry ever after if you leave. Stop grasping at straws, grab hold of what you have and be Grateful!
@sammy009 (259)
• United States
26 Jan 09
HI. Wow after elven years, to me that is to long of a time, and not get married. I know me i would push it. I really do not believe in living together, I am the old fashion type. Some people together would choose to live together and they are happy with there decission. Which i feel that is great, they both want it that way. Its not for me. I do not believe in living together. You want to and he does not, saying he is not ready. Will he ever be ready? I would with no doubt i would press the issue with him. Good luck
@itsmine (104)
• United States
26 Jan 09
My suggestion is you can ask him politly about whatever you are having in your mind. asking frankly surely will give a solution.
@anjel016 (330)
• Philippines
26 Jan 09
I don't about your culture but base on our culture, marriage is very scared and is one of the most sweetest way to express how dearly we loved our partners. For us, being married is the last step to test our relationship. And no offense but, I think your partner just does not want to get himself tied to someone else and lose his freedom. Just like what you have stated, he is a flirt and most likely if you guys will get married, you'll have more reasons to get jealous and he will no longer have any excuse for it. You guys are already near to your 12th year anniversary and already got 3 kids. If I were you, I will push this marriage to your fiance. Just tell him that if he is really willing to spend the rest of his life with you, then getting married will not bother him at all.
@yezzyk (180)
• Netherlands
26 Jan 09
Hi swtjen, difficult problem, you have. I think, pushing never works, for it wil only drive the other person away. On the other hand, you might want to sit him down and talk about how you feel about this and express your wishes. I don't now about your country, but in mine, having children is a very good reason to get that piece-of-paper. Legally, everything will be set automaticly, incase something bad would happen to either one of you. So making it official, saves a lot of trouble in case of personal dissaster. Mabe it will get him to think about it. Might not be the intensions you'd hope for, but at least its another thing to think about... Be well...