Should You Let Your Teenage Daughter's Boyfriend Sleep In Her Room?

Singapore
January 29, 2009 10:10am CST
Just stumbled upon this article here and found it an interesting read for all quarters. Starting from parents right down to the child I just felt this article is indeed so enlightening and practical. Here the mother's (DIANA APPLEYARD) answer is a firm No and she explains. She is strictly of the ‘not under my roof, thank you’ brigade, whereas her husband thinks she is being absurdly old-fashioned. He seems to think that she is trying to artificially preserve her growing children in a kind of Peter Pan-like state, in which she refuses to accept the fact that they no longer play with Barbies or love pony club camp, and that they still bruise their knees falling out of trees. But like all fallible individuals, we tend to forget that there's a saying that goes: All mother's knows best. So just like every mother the author knows that her beloved elder daughter is a fully functioning adult, that she effectively lives at university, not at home, and that they must allow her to be responsible for her own actions. She further quotes that: I know all this in my head; but in my heart, and in my home — and especially in her bedroom — she remains my child. and on the part of her daughter's boyfriend: He’s perfectly welcome in our house, and is a lovely boy, but I refuse to accede to the trendy liberalism of immediately showing them both into her bedroom and closing the door on all parental responsibilities. This is, after all, my house, and my rules apply. Whereas her husband's (ROSS APPLEYARD) is a YES and he explains. Basically he is for and don’t have a problem with his Beth sharing a bed with her boyfriend, because he claims that he knows that they are in a healthy and committed relationship. That things would be very different if they didn’t know the boy in question, or if she had only just started going out with him. He finds it quite endearing, when he comes to stay and disappears at the end of the night to the spare room, although he knows he’s not going to stay in there very long. How does he know? He claims that: "Because I am a man, and what would I have done in the same circumstances? There’s a tacit understanding between males. Which is why I think it’s just plain daft not to accept the fact that our daughter now has a love life — an enjoyable relationship with an equally mature young man. Why shouldn’t we treat them as adults, not like children? " So, what's your take on this here parents? Will you agree and go along with the wife or the husband? For children, which parent's decision will you support? Why? Ref: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1131292/Should-let-teenage-daughters-boyfriend-sleep-room-A-married-couple-argue.html
2 people like this
13 responses
@rmuxagirl (7570)
• United States
29 Jan 09
In my house I was not allowed to sleep in the same bed with my boyfriends. But I am 26 and my mom knew my boyfriend so she allowed it because she knew nothing would happen. I think there comes a point when you need to realize your children become adults and they show it in their actions. I mean if i was a teenager then there would be no way a boy would be in my room, heck even when I was 21 there was no way for a boy to be in my room. I think the older I get and the mature I show them then the rules change a little and as they see the love between us and the understanding that is there.
• Singapore
30 Jan 09
rmuxagirl, Old fashioned or traditional thoughts or logic is and would be the order of the day here. I can see that there is just no loss at both ends and all parties will still be enjoying a good relationship. Cheers.
• United States
29 Jan 09
This is currently the case in our home, only not with a daughter - our nephew. We don't have a problem at all with over night guests, but we do have a problem with him sharing a room with her. If he's going to have an over night guest, she'll sleep in his room while he is on the couch (which is in clear view from our bed in our bedroom) or vice versa. This has worked exceptionally well so far.
• Singapore
30 Jan 09
explorations, I just hope that this article will be of help in some way of yourself and daughter. One just will not know what the future may hold and it would certainly help to be prepared. I do see that your current method has worked well. Kudos and keep it up. Cheers.
@greyzppc (111)
• Philippines
30 Jan 09
No.I will not allow it. Something not good might happen and may ruin their education and future. It is unethical.
@davido (1624)
• Canada
29 Jan 09
That is where those guys who are so libralitic minded begin the beginning of problem at the end of the day when it boomerang they now begin to show that they 'love' their kid and will saty with him/her through it all! Hello dont allow nonsense i your house! its your house under your roof. Why is the boyfriend coming in to spend the night? is his own house outside the town or you guys stay in the same area? if you stay in the same area he cant come and spend the night in your house, he should be home helping his own parents and seeing to his own brothers at home and knows and learn the act of responsibility at home and so when he starts his own home he knows what to do. You will be called oldfashined, etc... that is their style, to use various name to qualify you, so a damage could be done, in other to make ever other person fall into the kind of mistake they made.
• United States
29 Jan 09
Wow. Society pushes our children to grow up before they are ready, and now parents contribute. what happened to parents that pushed waiting till after your married? KIDS WANT BOUNDARIES! THEY WANT THEM. and If you keep handing them thing after thing, they will keep pushing. they want boundaries so they can find where to fight. and this is going too far to allow, let him sleep on the couch if he is staying over, and WITH a chaperon. You owe it to your daughter, because their are a lot of things that can go wrong with not abstaining from these acts. from STD's, to Unwanted pregnancies, don't just LET them, if they choose to go at it, make sure its a rule they broke, and if something bad happens, be there for them, they broke a rule but they are still your children. But a lot of teens who give that gift away too early, can land in depression easily (its more common than people think.) Public schools push dramatic things like this not for love but for status, and in the original posted opinion, They have at least known the boy for a while, but that doesn't change things. the COMMON case is a couple of kids run off to do it wherever, and either one ends up feeling pushed into it because thats what the KIDS at their SCHOOL teach them. Please, push abstancy, if your kid makes it through middle(yes middle school) and Highschool without sleeping with someone, consider that a success, its only there that the pressure is so high. ~Faith, Age 16.
2 people like this
• United States
1 Feb 09
I believe that the rules apply "not in my home" so if mom does not want that behavior then so be it then end of discussion you should respect mom
1 person likes this
• Singapore
2 Feb 09
teapotmommommerced, My exact sentiments here. You rock!
@vicki2876 (5640)
• Canada
30 Jan 09
For myself and my children it is completely out of the question. I will give them "protection" but as for doing the deed, where I can hear it. NOOOOO. They are always going to be my babies and I never want to hear that kind of stuff go on. As for "just sleeping" again no. I think that I am old fashioned that way, but then I was pregnant at 18 and know that this isn't what my children want to do with their life either. So protect yes but they get to go get a room. My house is off limits.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
2 Feb 09
vicki2876, I thought so too. Nowadays, it is better to be safer than sorry for our children, we just cannot see what is around the corner most of time in life. Cheers.
@j47lee (743)
• Canada
30 Jan 09
seriously i wouldnt tolerate it... because my family is pretty old fashioned... and i've been brought up that way..... my parents were very strict about boyfriends... I had male friends... but no particular boy friend.... then i met my husband.... and my parents approved.... so i'm not sure i want my daughter to be sleeping in the same room with her boyfriend.... that would be taking it too far ...
1 person likes this
• Singapore
30 Jan 09
j47lee, My exact sentiments here and I do believe that our parents are just thinking ahead and for everyone here. Thanks for dropping by and do have a nice day. Cheers.
• United States
30 Jan 09
i am a 22 year old female and i agree with the mother. i definitely see both sides of this argument, but at some point, respect needs to come into the equation. i have two older sisters, and all three of us had serious boyfriends in our teenage and college years. it was never a question that when the boys stayed over, they would stay in guest bedrooms, and they never questioned this or thought this odd. i feel that it is a completely reasonable request for a parent to ask their child not to share a bed with their significant other while visiting home. most parents who have children of this age are aware that when given the opportunity, the young couple would prefer to share a bed, but i don't fault them if they feel uncomfortable allowing it in their own home. after all, they are parents, and will always be concerned about what is best for their son or daughter. i think that in this situation, if the daughter and boyfriend respect the wishes of the mother and sleep in separate rooms, the mother will 1) be touched by the gesture, and 2) grow to appreciate the couple's relationship even more, since they would be showing that their relationship is more than just physically being together at all times, and they would be making the decision and sacrifice together, which, even though they are young, is mature and adult behavior. interesting take from both parents in this one -- great topic :)
• Singapore
30 Jan 09
theweerouss, I am on your side here and I just feel that children should appreciate their parent's concern and painstaking loving efforts. Youths today, are just being fast with their temper and slow with their logic - so instead of name callings I would really ask for some patience and understanding here. Thanks for a nice delivery too. Have a nice day.
@mimico (3619)
• Philippines
30 Jan 09
I agree with the writer. WHy should parents encourage their children significant other to sleep in the same house? Sure, there's parental supervision. But if you're going to supervise your kids' activities and make sure they sleep in different parts of the house then why not just make them sleep in different houses just the way it's supposed to be?!! I am mortified when my friends' boyfriends sleep with them. it just seems unchaste. Like they're just waiting to tempt each other. Anyway, this is a cultural thing too. We're very conservative here in the Philippines so maybe my views will also sound conservative to you all.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
30 Jan 09
mimico, I do agree with you here and it just does not matter where one comes from but to invite situations in is just unthinkable on the parents' part whereas to let ourselves into compromising situation is also equally a concern. Thanks for dropping by and do have a nice day.
• Philippines
30 Jan 09
If I have a daughter? I won't. Never in a million years, unless he's her husband, of course. As for us, boys ARE allowed in our room--since there are three beds, in the first place. We all have separate beds, so that's not a problem.
1 person likes this
@gie2910 (407)
• United States
30 Jan 09
absolutely NO. You have to save your daughter, not now at least. You have to wait till she is married.
1 person likes this
@livewyre (2455)
30 Jan 09
I think the 'child' should respect the Mother's wishes and not make visits awkward. If she is so mature why not get her own place and so what she wants there? When you visit people you should respect their wishes/traditions/beliefs even if they are family(!). If his family were Jewish for example, would she cook bacon for breakfast in their kitchen when she visited? Even if she has bacon four times a week at college? I hope not... She should respect her Mother's sincerely held wishes and either abstain during a visit or not visit overnight until her Mother feels that it is appropriate for her to sleep with her boyfriend. This would be a measure of maturity IMHO...
1 person likes this