What would you do in this situation

@winterose (39922)
Canada
February 1, 2009 6:17pm CST
okay this is based on a real event, but I just want your opinion on what you would do. You are a 23 year old young woman (even if you are not pretend that you are for this discussion) At the age of 14 you wanted to be placed in a foster home because you couldn't stand your mother's rules. You mom and dad are divorced. You went to a foster home and didn't like it there. The family had several meeting with the social service agency. You didn't want to go home with your mom. and you didn't want to stay in group homes (you were too spoiled for their rules just like you were too spoiled for your mother's rules) you didn't want to go home and the social service didn't think it was a good idea that you go home because you and your mother could not get along. Your dad would have taken you but you got a better offer Your rich doctor uncle said he would take you until you were 18 and you knew he would give you the best of everything. You went and you were educated in private schools, in the usa, you are from montreal canada. You were the top student in your class and you knew you want to the very best education and a good career and a great future, you want it all. AFter you finished high school you decided to do your bachelor's degree in british columbia, that was back in canada but still far enough away from your parents that they could not control you. You wanted complete freedom. Only something terrible happened your mother got cancer and is dying. You came back as much as you could on vacation between semesters to go see here in the hospital but that was not going to deter you from your education, because after all it is your future. NOw you finished your BA, and you are only 22, at this point, you have the rest of your life ahead of you, you are going to grad school, you have the option of going to grad school at mcgill, the university your father attended and it is an ivy league university and one of the best in the world, (me, winterose the writer went there) or you could apply to cambridge in england and that is a chance of a lifetime. You choose cambridge in England a continent away, even though your mom is dying? NOw this is the a true story the way I look at it, this girl was only 22 at the time 23 now, she had her whole life ahead of her to go to school, but her mother is at the end of her life, T could have gone to mcgill and been in the same city as her mom, she could have seen how her mom fared out and applied to cambridge at a later date for her ph.d but ever since T. was a little girl she was very selfish always her needs came first over anybody else's the last time she was in montreal, her mother didn't even recognize her or anyone else anymore. her mom is now placed in a nursing home, she no longer can live alone, they say she can die at anytime, if you were T what would you have done would you have gone all the way to england to school with your mom at home dying or would you have come home to your own city continued you education at an ivy league school and applied to cambridge at a later date?
10 people like this
22 responses
@sweetyethot (1738)
• China
2 Feb 09
I would accompany my mother till her last moment.She is my mother, after all. While I _ the girl still has a whole life.
3 people like this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
well said my friend.
@laglen (19782)
• United States
2 Feb 09
I would stay close to my parents. I am now and will continue to be. This girl has always been selfish and whats worse, she has been allowed to be this way. You can not possibly think she will change her mind? I feel for her mother, but that was part of the problem too. The girl will regret it but later in life, after Mom is gone and it is too late to change. What a shame.
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
yes it really is a shame, and she has hurt both her parents deeply even her uncle who raised her from the age of 14
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
2 Feb 09
REally very spoilt aint she!. SHe should go to school there for mother probably wont last all that long and got to England later.
2 people like this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
the mistake the whole family made is that they gave her too much!
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
3 Feb 09
yup very spoilt!
@ElicBxn (60762)
• United States
2 Feb 09
honestly, I think considering her history, she's going to go to cambridge Her mother is pretty much a non-entity to her, don't expect her to behave any differently.
2 people like this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
she did go to cambridge I mentioned that from the beginning, she is so selfish.
2 people like this
@ElicBxn (60762)
• United States
2 Feb 09
Family doesn't mean much to her, only she does. Write her off is my suggestion. I know YOU care, but she obviously doesn't.
1 person likes this
@cher913 (25893)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
where was the father in this story? the uncle raised the girl? curious. if she was spoiled and only thought of herself, chances are, she was raised that way. she should have gone to mcgill, then gone to cambridge.
2 people like this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
the father was her, it was decided by the social service agency that it was in T best interest to go with the uncle, he had, money and and family and he could give her everything her father couldn't. It was also what T wanted and in Quebec, a child can decide where they want to live at 14 that is the law.
@Fortunata (1136)
• United States
2 Feb 09
I hope this woman isn't going to be a doctor, because it sounds like she has a heart of stone.
2 people like this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
that is one of the professions she is thinking about, I told her dad that was a big joke, I can see her as a lawyer, judge, research scientist but not a doctor or a nurse.
@oldboy46 (2132)
• Australia
2 Feb 09
Someone needs to be the devil's advocate here and I am willing to be that. Yes this young lady was very spoilt obviously and that needs to be laid at the feet of both of her parents. Her parents are divorced and I am willing to bet she was manipulating both of them through those years as well. Instead of saying "no" the parents gave her what she wanted, when she wanted it and that is regardless of the cost of whether she needed it. Divorced parents often do that and even if they cannot really afford to do so they will find the money thinking (wrongly) that it proves their love for this child of theirs. Now the rich uncle steps in and makes an offer that is too good to refuse and most children of that age would jump at it. For heaven's sake she is 14 and wants the world and wants it NOW, so of course if it offered on a plate, she takes it with both hands and very quickly as well. At aged 14, it was probably that Mum wanted to put some guidelines and rules in place and so as there had been none for a few years, she rebelled. That is fairly natural too for someone in their early teenage years. The rich uncle was right out of line offering what he did, when the father was willing to have his own daughter live with him. Dad was also wrong for allowing that to happen and should have insisted on his right as the parent. Whoever decided that this teenage girl was to be given the choice of where she live, i.e. with her rich uncle or her father, was morally wrong in their decision. All credit to this girl for completing her education, because regardless of what tpe of schooling she had, she also had to study and put a lot of effort into it as well. Places at these universities are not offered to average students but rather those with good marks. The relationship with Mum is strained and has been for many years. However she did visit her mother frequently once she became ill and all credit to her for that as it would not have been easy. Mum has a terminal condition. She is in a nursing home as she cannot look after herself. Mum also does not recognise anyone, including her own daughter. What can the daughter do for her mother? NOTHING at all. You might think she is selfish but perhaps she is more of a realist than you realise. She is an adult, she had made her choice and now she has to live with that decision. She can at least remember some of the good things about her mother and that might be more important to her than what other people think she should be doing. She also has the choice of returning to visit her mother during the breaks from university, regardless of where she is living. There is no way anyone can say with certainty that even if she was living on the same continent that she could be with her mother at the end. Now my mother had alzheimer's and spent the last several years of her life in a nursing home. She did not recognize anyone at all for at least the last 4 years of her life and it was so distressing when we did visit her. That blank look on the face of my darling mother and the eyes which do not see anyone or even anything at all it seemed. My mother was once a vibrant woman, whose eyes lit up whenever she saw anyone, she smiled at everyone and always said "hello" whether she knew the person or not. That was gone and it never returned, so I can quite understand why people choose not to visit their loved ones who do not recognise them. I have to look back at photos to remember what my mother was like because I saw her change to someone totally different. Now one of her grandsons (my nephew) chose to say his goodbyes to her when she still had some of her memory etc. He talks about her all the time and it is though she never changed from the grandmother he always knew. His memories are so much happier than those that the rest of us her have, and I envy him for that.
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
1 - nobody is faulting her for going with her uncle, everyone wanted her to have the best, 2- no the uncle wasn't out of line this was decided legally with the social services on what was in the best interest of the child. It was the social services who assessed the situation and decided this was in the best interest of the child and it was at the time. 3. When she made the application to Cambridge her mom was still able to recognize her, the cancer has gotten worse over the last 6 months, but she still was not expected to live much longer in the days before the cambridge application, 4. she could have choosen a university closer to home, at 23 she has her whole life ahead of her and even she said so in a conversation of whether she should stop her education and work for a few years and then return to school. 5. What the daughter can do for the mother is be support, that answer of yours might have been logical medically but callous and unethical 6. I know this girl since she was a baby you do not, she has always been spoiled she never learned the meaning of the word no, and T only does what T wants and who cares about anyone else. 7. IN your case where the mother had alzheimes and didn't know if the daughter was there or not, the whole family would have encouraged her to go on about her life, because it would not have made a difference. But in this situation this was not the case. She has left all the responisbility of her mother's care and guardianship in the hands of her brother who is only one year older than her and has had to take many days off of work to see to her. I feel so much for the brother he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, but his sister is too busy with her own life she will not help him with these very serious family decisions.
1 person likes this
@mgmagana (3621)
• United States
2 Feb 09
i can't believe she went to foster care just because she didn't want to listen to her mom's rules...sounds spoiled to me...she has her whole life to go to school..her mom is at the end her life...she needs to spend these last moments with her mom or else she'll regret it.
2 people like this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
yep that is what I told her father.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Feb 09
Wow, my heart is just breaking for the mother of this selfish girl. And my heart is also breaking for the girl herself. I have been sitting here trying to put myself in the girl's place, and I can't. I just plain do not understand that kind of selfishness. Oh, I know it exists, but I just don't understand how it can be. There are times when others needs just simply have to come before our own. Can you imagine if that girl had a baby--------------- poor little thing wouldn't stand a chance. I do think it is probably more peaceful for the dying mother to not have that selfish girl around. I just don't imagine she could keep her mouth shut, and not remind the poor mother of what she [the daughter] was giving up. I think that daughter would resent every moment with her mother, and mother does not need that.
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
I don't think T will have a baby for a long while, it would interfere with her life/
1 person likes this
@foxyfire33 (10009)
• United States
15 Feb 09
The problem with Miss T here is that in her mind her mom is just a dying woman she has no major bond with. So, I can honestly understand her indifference. It doesn't make is right, but it is what it is. I feel sorry for the mom in this situation as I'm sure she loved her daughter unconditionally through all the nonsense...and still does even if her health prevents her from showing it or recognizing it. Perhaps someday Miss T will gain the maturity her education has not provided, of course by then it will be too late to change anything with her own mom but maybe it will provide some life lesson that will benefit someone else in her life.
1 person likes this
@foxyfire33 (10009)
• United States
15 Feb 09
Oops, I got caught only skimming the other responses... If only her mother had her phone number then she is just a scheming, spoiled little girl who wants to live her life regardless of anyone else's feeling. But that wasn't the point you were asking about...if I was in this exact situation? Well that's hard to imagine because I can not wrap my mind around the thought process of Miss T (the part about trying so hard to get away yet still maintain a little connection). But I suppose, i still can see her reasoning...just think of all the attention she will get from her Cambridge friends when the poor little thing loses her mother and wasn't able to make to her bedside in time for their last goodbyes. A rational person with a relatively normal mother/daughter relationship...there's no way a daughter would go so far away at a time like that!
1 person likes this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
17 Feb 09
yes she is not that close to any of her family I wonder what turned her that way because trust me they all spoiled her rotten, she when her uncle took her in a 14 she immediately went to private schools, had her own brand new car at 16, three different cell phones, she had every thing she ever asked for. but even the uncle says T is very selfish, it is all about her all the time in any situation that comes up. If it is not convenient for her she just won't do it.
• United States
8 Feb 09
If my mom and I Never got along and ther was no real connection, why in the hell would there be one just because she is dying? The love and respect has to form Way before that.If i were spoiled at 14 and I am still spoiled why would you think I would all of a sudden change now? I love England so I would pick Cambridge.I am not good at lying so if there were still indifference between me and my mom , then it would still be there every time we meet.In other words it wouldn't be honest to act like I care when I don't. It is sad that they aren't as close as they should be but sometimes that's the way it is. thanks for staring this post. I have my answer from your other post.
1 person likes this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
11 Feb 09
first of all the only person that had her number and the family didn't even know it was the dying mother, so if she disliked her mother that much she would not have given her the number, she is a spoiled brat, regardless, she has just alienated her family from her. I told her father years ago that she cares for nobody but herself and that is the way she is but the point was what would you do in this situation if your mom was dying not T because T will do whatever she wants the rest of her life. but back to what I said at first, the only person who had her number was the dying mother, clearly she was ready to hear from the mother should something happen but not the rest of the family, She came home at christmas like she had just left yesterday, and didn't see what the big deal was, she did spend lots of time with her mother and the family was happy for that.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Feb 09
So T is only close to her mom, period?As soon as mom passes away, you will never see her again.Since no one can contact her, there is no way to get her to visit more often.You can't make a person care.It is so sad.
• United States
4 Feb 09
well i personally have given up living where i want and where i was happy due to my parents health and knowing that they are getting up in their age.. i figured i couldnt replace time i lost if i was away and i knew i couldnt afford to visit often so i decided to be there for them now and have my life and enjoyment later. a lot of people dont agree with me but oh well..
1 person likes this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
5 Feb 09
you are a very good daughter.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Feb 09
i try but i some times wonder if they think so since we have the whole religious difference thing.. oh well.. all you can do is try
@ronaldinu (12445)
• Malta
2 Feb 09
Hi winterose, To be honest I fail to put myself in another shoes and context. Our family ties are really strong in our island.You ll find a couple of students studying abroad but it is not the majority. My parents have done a lot of sacrificies for me so that I will be able to study. So if my parents were really sick I would put everything aside to be near them and give them my support. I feel it is my duty to assist them in times of need. I know that they have done a lot for me when I was a baby and a young child. I really love them and respect them for what they have done for me.
1 person likes this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
I did not ask you to put yourself in someone else's shoes, I asked if this was the situation and your mother was dying what would you do.
@ronaldinu (12445)
• Malta
3 Feb 09
hi winterrose. I have wrote in that manner because for me it is unthinkable to do that, to go abraod while my mother is dying. I think if my mother is dying and I would go abroad for studying I would be a selfish brat who does not know what does the word RESPECT means. I would postpone studying or going abroad just to be close with my mum and give her all my support throughout her final stages of life.
@mtdewgurl74 (18121)
• United States
15 Feb 09
I feel that she has no emotional connection with her mother so she doesn't really care. She does sounds selfish because she isn't even trying to be there for the rest of the family because choices she won't be,In the end she will regret her ways. You are right she could have continued later at the other school upon her mothers passing I mean she should be trying to squeeze what time she has left out of the days and be with her family. But selfish she is. She will learn later on...
1 person likes this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
17 Feb 09
yes she is selfish, she does what is good for her, without a care for anyone else.
@sudalunts (5527)
• United States
3 Feb 09
For me, even though my Mom and I had a rocky relatioship, I would not go to Cambridge. I would probably get a job in the city where my Mom is, so that I can be close. I would go to Cambridge at a later time. I would probably put aside those feelings that I had as a child, and start thinking and treating people like an adult should. I would thank my uncle for giving me the opportunities that he had given me. When all was said and done, I would able to look back and know that I did the right thing and be able to feel good about myself.
1 person likes this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
5 Feb 09
yes and so would most people, thanks for responding
@xbrendax (2668)
• United States
2 Feb 09
Well, I guess it would all depend on whether she could live with herself and any guilt she might have the rest of her life for NOT going to be with her mother. Me? I guess I would have moved close to where my mother was and been there for her till the end, and THEN return to my education.
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
3 Feb 09
right now she is not even thinking about the future and if she will feel guilty or not, she may never feel guilty
@sahmof2 (274)
• United States
2 Feb 09
I would not have moved to a different country to go to school while my mother was dying, if you apply yourself you can get accepted into a good school at anytime but once a loved one had passed away you can never bring them back to spend another second with them. I would have cherished the time with my mother and allowed her to live with me in her time of need to take care of her she needs not to be taken care of by strangers. When you had everything handed to you on a silver platter growing up sometimes you are inconsiderate and selfish and always thinking about what can I get instead of how can I give. Maybe not now but as she grows older and get married and start to have children of her own she will be wishing she would have had more time with her mother, because she'll realise that parents can't be replaced by anyone or anything.
1 person likes this
@blue65packer (11835)
• United States
2 Feb 09
I come from a crappy home and wish I lived on a different plant just I wouldn't have to deal with my father! T to me is doing what she thinks is right if know it looks wrong. She is doing what she wants to do and know one can tell her other wise! Maybe someday T will wake up and feel regret! Right now her education is more important! Maybe she felt if she left school now she'd never get the change to go back! It is her life!
1 person likes this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
no T knows that the invitation to cambridge was open she could postpone it if she wanted to, but she puts herself first in every situation with everybody.
@akangirl (2437)
• India
2 Feb 09
First of all i would have never left my family. Rules are in every family.We had some rules at our home also.No classmate was allowed to meet after school and they can never come at my home toonot even girls. Tv should be switched off by 9 pm and we should be in our bed by 10 pm. Play time was set from 5 pm to 6:30 pm after that have your juice after that an hour of cartoons and then homework. I used complain a lot about these strict rules but now i know how important they were. World is not as good as we think and girl's who don't have their dad's people try to take advantage of them. So i am glad my mom kept us safe and never let our mind wander off from studies. Coming back to your topic if education was so important they she could postponed it a bit so she can spend some time with her mom. Its cruel of her not to be present when her mom is ill. I can't leave my mom for a day even. Mom is the greatest being in our life and she is even above god. I feel terrible for her mom. Oh i wish i could comfort her.
1 person likes this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
T has always put herself first before anyone else.
@ladym33 (11008)
• United States
2 Feb 09
It sounds to me like the mother was not abusive or mean or anything like that, just that the child was spoiled. So it sounds like she really had no reason to harbour ill will towards her mother. She is very young and does have her whole life in front of her and it does not sound like the opportunities will disapear for her if she goes at a later date, so she should come and stay closer to her mom for the short time that her mother has left. It sounds like she is and has always been a very selfish person. She will regret her decisions some day.
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
she doesn't harbor ill feelings about her mother she is an adult now, she is just the very selfish type of person who thinks about herself and nobody else.