Is it favorable for married people to share a house with their parents?

Philippines
February 9, 2009 11:50pm CST
Me, my wife and kids are living with my parents for a couple of years now due to unexpected financial burdens. We use to live in an apartment for 5 years until we decided to move to my parents until we earn enough money to move on. We agreed to share all monthly expenses for food and electricity and we have to put own electric submeter so there'll be no problem computing our exact monthly electric bill. I admit we had problems with my parents when it comes to money, household chores, food and kids. There are times of course, when salaries get hold, and worst is my father keeps on asking for increase in our monthly share without considering our other expenses for the kids. When we talk about it, it always ends up to an argument. As much as possible, we try to hide our feelings to avoid confrontation because we want to have a harmonious relationship with someone you see everyday. Hope you could help me make things better while we are living with our parents. Thanks in advance.
3 people like this
29 responses
• United States
10 Feb 09
It's a difficult situation to live with in-laws/family, or even another family in a shared place. It's also hard to go from a situation in which you had control over your area, etc into a place where it's not your own to do with as you please. I'm not sure if there is any real good way to approach the subject other then with love and tact. If your goal is to save money, I'm assuming for a house or such, then that nees to be drawn up in a contract with your family. Even with family I think you should have a lease in writing so that the terms cannot just be arbitrarly changed. You then need to agree with your family how much of you excess income you'll be putting into an interest bearing savings account, and then live off the rest. It may mean giving up a few things until that time. The other choice is to move into something less expensive then your previous apartment so that you have your own place, and live off less. I'm not sure what sort of financial situation placed you with family, but as you are seeing it can be difficult. If at all possible you may wish to start looking at a place to live on your own. If you cannot financially be on your own, I would go with the first suggestion and try to work out a written lease with your parents. Best of Luck-Anora
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 Feb 09
Nice suggestion about the written contract. That idea never crossed our mind because they are our parents in the first place, not someone you don't know who would require a lease contract for the benefit of both parties. Our moving to their house is not to be a lessee but as a son going back to his home for support. Maybe they think they are the lessor coz there was a time my father told me that it's better there coz I pay much than renting an apartment.
@krajibg (11942)
• Guwahati, India
10 Feb 09
Hi Friend! During difficult period even tigers and deers live together. This is a human case and we must not forget the value of adjustment. well as long as your economic position does not get bettered and you are left with no option, you are forced to share. 'There is nothing or bad but our thinking makes it so' - so did Shakespeare had said. All customs and social rules and ethics are for men made by men and should be for the welfare of man. In India where joint family is still live you will find married sons living together under a single roof. Where would thy go? The property is not divided and the elder most are against the division. In such situation either you be independent and come out of the house and live your own way. But when things are not in your favor no ethics or sense of honor count. What counts is how you tackle the situation.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 Feb 09
HI krajibg! Thanks for your nice comment. Such house rules should definitely be for the welfare of everyone sharing the house...that is if I got it right based on your example about Shakespeare.
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
There would be many complications and arguments that will arise if married couple live with their parents. It wouldn't be favorable for both sides. It's better to live or stay in a place far from both of your parents. I have siblings that live with our parents. My mother keeps on complaining about her giving money or food to help them survive a day.Sometimes they even give everything without saving for their own (my mom and dad). She told me she just can't ignore them because she love her grand children. I told her,"if that's the case then you shouldn't complain in the first place".Old parents deserve to think peacefully and live without worries. Before marrying, better think of the consequences and stand on what you have decided. Never let your parents carry your own burden. If you really need to live with your parents just make sure you're not giving them a hard time.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 Feb 09
My mother also can't help giving snacks and toys to my kids but she never ever mention about in return of her generosity. We are so thankful but there are times we would like to limit her giving of junk foods. I still can't tell my mom not to give too much coz she might feel bad.
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
10 Feb 09
I am sorry that you and your parents are having a descrepancy when it comes to the bills and asking for extra money when you pay your bills to them. My fiance and I are living with his parents right now, and we do not pay bills. We do do chores, and have had a disagreement or chores so I do understand where you are feeling a bit strained. i can't offer you anything other then my wish that you and your family will be able to settle the disagreement you have with one another. May you find the money you are looking for to get back on your feet. Have a wonderful day.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 Feb 09
HI somecowgirl! Thanks for the warm wishes. Have a nice day.
@cutepenguin (6458)
• Canada
10 Feb 09
We tried living with my inlaws. I don't think we lasted two months, it just didn't work. I would focus on saving as much as possible so that you can get your own place again.
1 person likes this
@jenisky (406)
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
i guess its always safe to live away from parents if we have our own family.sometimes even if we try to have a harmonious relationship with them,there will always comes a time that conflicts arises among our parents.esp money matters, attention,kids,foods,relationship with in laws and many other things..and its nice to live in a place where you can do your own stuff,you can decorate the home the way you wanted,wake up anytime you want,raising kids on your own ways..but granted that you have your mom or your dad only and no one's to look over him/her i think its only proper to live with him/her.
1 person likes this
@TLChimes (4845)
• United States
10 Feb 09
I had to move in with my mother with my children after my husband at the time left. She was with an abusive drunk. We are both strong willed and I put my kids first which meant that I wouldn't allow for them to come to harm from her man. She has a saying "My house, My rules" Fine. But if I'm putting in my share and they are my kids my rules should apply. We never did agree on that so I moved sooner then I really could afford to. It all depends on how well you can swallow the things that bother you. In my case it was the safety of my kids so I had to go. But if it's just comfort then try to ride it out if that is for the best. Do what's best for you and the kids. One thought about the raise in your monthly share... tell them that you can't pay extra that you didn't create because there is no extra money. Best wishes....
1 person likes this
@dropofrain (1168)
• India
10 Feb 09
I think ther is no harm in married people sharing their home with their parents. It is always good when oyu have a family nearby you. They can only help you out in some or the other matters of life.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Feb 09
Like you, my hubby and I had to move with his mother. She's usually great, but she can be quite obnoxious and just annoying. I don't know, she bugs me. She doesn't mind her own business. She even has blamed me for the electric bill and has given me a ridiculous curfew for people to call me at night. Hello, I do have family and friends that are 17hrs ahead of our time and she's so ignorant that she can't even get that into her head. I'm just trying to survive without butting any heads. When we can have our own place, then we will. I hope she just stays away and just has some occasional visits.
• Philippines
13 Feb 09
Hi alyciassecret! Maybe you could try to be sweeter to her. Sometimes people do crazy stuff to get our attention. I wish you well in your plans.
• United States
15 Feb 09
I used to do nothing but be nice to her and be extremely helpful. And that's just not enough, so I've let her be. She's not my mother, just my mother in law. And I don't even try to please my own mother. A woman that never pleased with anything that I do.
@jesbellaine (4157)
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
Hello THere Here in the Philippines, it is normal to see your parents living with you even if you are married or vice versa though in my point of view, I would like to have my own home separated with my parents but I want to live near them so that I can always visit them. I love to buy my parents their own house so that they would have something with them and th ey can invite other relatives or someone in their own house if they want to. But I don't see any problem in my end if my mom likes to live with me someday together with my husband and kids. That is no problem, it is just that I know she dreams to have her own house someday on where she can cook and manage her own house then invites us for dinner or lunch. :) Thank you for the discussions. Happy Mylotting and Have a great day ahead. Cheers!
• Philippines
12 Feb 09
Thanks jesballaine! You're right, getting a house near to your parents is favorable. That way, you can visit them more often.
• Philippines
12 Feb 09
Yup, that is what I am planning someday. Otherwise, I will miss my mom’s cooking… ?
@Foxxee (3654)
• United States
11 Feb 09
Couple of years? Don't you think it's time to move out? You have had plenty of time to get your stuff together, don't you think? I think it's time you do whatever it takes to make your parents happy, afterall they have let you & your wife & kids live there for a few years... more then enough if you ask me. So I say, deal with it & in the mean time, start looking for a place to live & then move on with your life.
• Philippines
12 Feb 09
I think it's not with the number of years to question but the readiness to move out. I admit lots of expenses add up when you have growing kids not to mention the increase in daily commodities. We are not of the same situation in the first place. Hopefully this year we could move out meaning to save more money and find more opportunities. Thanks.
@Luchie50 (51)
• Philippines
11 Feb 09
hi mylotters its really hard to stay together with parents , i am the best example of it, since my youngest daughter is 6 years married and yet they're living together with us they had a son. At first i felt it was ok coz i was the one who requested them to stay with us due for the reason that she could take care of her father in terms of preparing foods since im working in the city and we can only be together during weekends and thus i could not give full attentions for my husband's needs since both of us are working. Time comes i observed that my daughter becomes spoiled , she always asked money from her father to buy whatever things needed at home,though both of them are working,receiving a good salary and another thing is that i observed that they never had to think to buy things for their own . So one time when we had an arguments she made mentioned that they planned to build a house for their own , i answered her by saying "thank you" and u could have your own at last. and even in a small things its always be the cause of arguments, she used to answer to his father if she doesn't like the atmosphere at home rather she always be the reason for having argumentation within the family. This is situation that i can share with you when living with parents.
• Philippines
12 Feb 09
I think it's better for your daughter to have their own house so she could be more independent. Sometimes even though we know some people have a job with a good salary, there will be times when they'll be strict on their spendings considering they a have a son. I don't know if that's the case with your daughter. I think she was asking only for things needed at home and not for her personal needs. But whatever it is, I hope you all be well and happy. Thanks.
@jshekhar (1563)
• India
10 Feb 09
Whether you have financial problems or not, I think it is always a good idea for married children to stay with their parents. You can derive a lot of positives out of it. Firstly, you get a new family for yourself, new parents add that extra bit of charm to your life. Then you have more people to talk to when you are feeling low, more people to share problems with and more people to celebrate with. Also, think of the parents. They spend the prime years of their life nurturing us, providing us education and all the facilities they can. Isn't it turn for us to give something back to them?
• Philippines
11 Feb 09
That's a nice reason to live with your parents by giving something back for their kindness. I think this kind of setup would depend on the current relationship between the parents and the married couple. If they could live in harmony, the better.
@JHEZ924 (119)
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
Hi, me, my son and my husband are also living with his parents but the difference is we're not having a problems like yours. Maybe we're blessed that we don't experience those things but as a wife, I think its not advisable for a married couple to stay with their parents. Its very risky that problems and conflicts will come in this kind of situation. For now, we're okay but who knows when will problem and conflict will come to us. For the 2-years we're staying with them, what thing I don't like is that my actions are so limited since it's not our own house. I'm afraid that I might do something wrong that will make my husbands parents mad. It's really different if a couple will have their own home. That they can act freely as they will and they can manage their life as what they want. So I suggest that since you're living with them, give additional patience and understanding to your parents. Try to talk to them about the expenses, they might understand you too. Try also to analyze your situation if you will save more if you will have an apartment or stay with your parents. Also consider the impact of those happenings to your children. Choose where you will be more comfortable and where you can save more. And remember its not healthy to argue often with your parents, remember again that you're also a parent now. : )
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
Thanks jhez924. Same as you, we are also concerned of how we should act. Making sure we don't leave anything dirty and greet them every time they arrive. It becomes okay when I think that we should spend our most valuable time while they're here.
• China
10 Feb 09
Well, I would not enjoy living with my parents or bf's parents. Here in our country the expenses should be on the younger generation if we had the money. But if the parents are rich enough to cover the daily expenses, they are very willing to do it and feel very happy and obligated to look after the kid for us. I guess I am just prefer the two-person world. My parents have very different way of living with us. I know that's the thing. They would call us waste money, kinda generation gap, different habit and attitudes towards life. Well I understand it's hard to live with your parents especially they are always increasing the money when they know you are not in very good financial status. That's a little mean and parents in Asia would never do that. They will always try to save money for their kids to make them live better . Maybe you can try to show your love to them and have your kids to have a very great relationship with their grandparents. As far as I know grandparent are fond of their grandchildren very much and that could be a breakthrough. Good luck!
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
Thanks denise_tung. I guest not all parents are the same after all.
@bamrahkirti (1819)
• India
10 Feb 09
Ours is a joint family and we have been living together with my in laws.Both me and my husband are working and are doing well in our respective fields.My husband gives fixed amount to my in laws for our share of expenses like food.Rest all expenses pertaining to ourselves and the kid are borne by us.We do not take even a single penny from them.They have not said anything to us regarding the food expenses but one can make out from their conversation that they are not very happy with the increase in milk bill as my MIL told me.My kid is only 1 year old and he consumes milk therefore i was planning to share milk bill also.But you know it hurts.When you see people around you doing so much for their kids and here we have not received even single penny from them rather giving out our share. I do talk about this with my hubby and he understands me very well but have decided not to make it an issue because they need us and we need them.
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
Hi bamrahkirti. Being married with kids takes responsibilities on their own. It would be nice if they could share sometimes but not all time because as parents, every actions we took like getting married and having children, is our responsibility to shoulder all expenses and moral support until it's time for them to move on. It's okay to ask help but not to be an obligation on their part.
@maean_19 (4663)
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
I do not have my own family yet and still single living independently. I do not know if I could give you a nice advise or can help you on this, but perhaps it may encourage you anyhow. For me, before settling down, we should have been prepared not only emotionally, spiritually and mentally rather consider being financially stable. When you build your own family, you have to detach yours from your parents house and support. Take your own responsibility in building your own family, but the detachment would not mean total separation. Detachment would mean independence. If you could share something to your parents, it is fine, but it is not your obligation to do so. With your illustration, it is more favorable to have your own house. Since you mentioned that you are facing financial problems for now, take the responsibility to adjust. Problems will be normally occur when it comes to money and expenses, you cannot get over that until you live on your own. What about rent an apartment for now? Temporarily, get a place that you can breath. If you cannot afford to get a house, then rent a place where your family is more comfortable and convenient enough. Save and avoid luxuries or unnecessary things. Educate your kids about the significance of money. When you could afford a bigger space, that is the time you could move out again. It is up to you my friend. If you could still control your temper, then stay. If not, move out. Make sacrifices for the better things to happen. Good Luck!
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
You're right, avoid luxuries and unnecessary spending. These things are obstruction to earn money. Thanks for sharing your nice ideas.
@CRSunrise (2964)
• United States
10 Feb 09
My husband and I lived with my parents for a couple years after we first got married. However, we lived in their garage, so it was like we had our own place, sorta. When I became pregnant with our first child, we eventually got our first apartment. Then, my husband lost his job when I was six months along. We tried to make it go as long as we could, but we ended up having to move in with my husband's parents for almost a year. We were finally able to get our own place. There are still some bumps in the road. Like my husband isn't working again, and we have another child, but we're doing the best we can to make it work. It just takes some creative financing at times.
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
It same with us, our room was build in a former garage extension. We have to get used to the noise and pollution outside. It's okay coz there are no more rooms available to accommodate us. We have to tighten our belts so we could move on. :-) Thanks.
@raynejasper (2326)
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
..hi.. for me, it is not favorable since when we enter into family life, we are expected to raise our own families.. However, in countries where extended families are applied, its natural.. The only problem for me is when it comes to dividing the budget and necessities in the home.. grave disadvantage is, the parents do not get along with their in-laws.. It good to stay apart from the parents to learn also how to be strong and discover the responsibilities of being a parent to our own children also.. our parents will someday pass away and we will be left behind.. A child who is already used to having her parents with her and doing things for her will be hard up to move on and start her own family.. It is one way of teaching the children to be responsible for their selves and for their decisions..
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
You're right. Being independent is a learning experience when you want to start a family of your own. I just wish we could move someday so that we could set an example to our kids. Thanks.
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
11 Feb 09
Sometimes it is favorable for a while.When you are starting having your own family.When you do not have your own house.But you have to share for the expenses.When the time comes,you can go on your own then go.Because family life can be easy if both of you are working to build and establish your own family.You do not have to depend on your parents for a long time.At first it is really difficult,but if you will work hard you will see what I mean.Not all parents are the same,there are those who can provide for the needs of another family and there are parents who still depend on their children.You can see where you belong.You can decide for yourself if you want to succeed building your own family life.In my view it is better to have separate house with parents for you to succeed in having your own family.Less hassles confrontations and arguments.