Reaching Out To Friends Old and New

@wolfie34 (26793)
United Kingdom
February 20, 2009 11:23am CST
Wolfie is lonely! Many of my friends know that probably since I left my ex, I pushed people away and I was determined to be an island, I was hurting and licking my wounds, I am very independent and very selfish with my time But spending too much time in front of my computer to compensate is not healthy for me and I need to get out I had a dear friend who I broke contact with because he was friendly with my ex and knew my plans to escape my ex and yet they never let on to my ex what I did and for that I am extremely thankful for, trouble is they still keep in contact with my ex and I was forever worried that my ex would find out I was seeing my friend and although my feelings towards my ex started off as anger, turned into pity then forgiveness I have absolutely NO intention of seeing my ex again. But It was a valuable friendship and I haven't contacted my friend since I escaped my ex in October 2007, lying low. My ex still pestered me with emails, but I accept that, I was kind of grateful that he told me that my friend's mum died, I sent my friend an email to tell him I was thinking about him at his loss. I have only a few friends who live far away from me and don't meet often, but I am still wary of strangers and although my confidence is building up, my self esteem is still pretty low. I went out last night to a pub for the first time in ages, but no one spoke to me all night and I felt so damn lonely and bored to be honest! I came home feeling sad so I reached out to my friend and emailed him, I half expected him to be cold towards me, but after a couple of emails today, I asked him if I could take him out for a meal, because I did promise him a celebratory meal when I left my ex and hopefully we'll meet up! I feel much happier now, I just realize how much I miss people and going out socializing. Being behind the computer I guess is my easy way out and escaping life So have you ever reached out to a friend that you have lost contact with, has it been successful or has your old friend/s ignored you or didn't want to know?
7 people like this
24 responses
@novataylor (6572)
• United States
20 Feb 09
Wolfie, Wolfie, Wolfie. Honey, you've got to raise that self-esteem!!! Listen, I've been talking with you off and on for a year now and I completely love you. Don't you think you're worthy of that love? I DO! You're a very lovable, delightful and gorgeous (as well as beautiful) person, Wolfie. And if no one talked with you when you were at the pub, it was because you were unconsciously sending out signals to stay away. Do it again. And instead of sitting there waiting for someone to approach you, approach someone instead. Say hi. Ask someone to dance or play darts. Come on, honey, you've got to reach out. You are NOT an island, no one is. You are one among millions who feel low about themselves, and whether you see it or not, it's true. Do you think everyone at the pub feels like a stud? Uh, nope. And whether or not you feel like a stud, you do feel like a human being, and that's one thing you've got in common with everyone. Things don't usually fall into our laps. We've got to give to get, ya know? So give a bit, Wolfie darling. Open that beautiful mouth and speak! Now do it, dammit! Just friggin do it. You might just get a nice surprise. Love and a million kisses, Wolfie.
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
20 Feb 09
Thank you my dear friend! I guess I should be used to rejection but it still hurts, but I have approached and talked to people in the past and they look at me as though I am something they have scraped off the bottom of their shoe, so I don't give them the satisfaction of rejecting me, yes I probably do send out signals to stay away, I can look very moody and miserable, but that's just the way I look I can't help that unless I get plastic surgery. My face gives it away, I show my feelings and could never be a card player. I think I need to do a lot more work on myself and there are some places that you just don't fit in x
2 people like this
@mysdianait (64058)
• Italy
20 Feb 09
You got some great advice there from nova , wolfie!
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
20 Feb 09
I have great understanding friends and for that I am very fortunate and I always know that if I need advice, support or just a virtual hug I know where to go ;0)
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
22 Feb 09
Hi wolfie, You seem to be having a rough time there friend and probably do need to get out a bit more. I think a lot of people may be spending too much time in front of the computer. We all need support at sometime in our life. Blessings.
4 people like this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
22 Feb 09
Thank you my friend, well I made the step to get out and socialize so it should be easier now, I think I was starting to get cabin fever staying in too often!
2 people like this
@MsTickle (24962)
• Australia
22 Feb 09
I returned to the town I left 12 years previously and I made contact and met up with friends but I also bumped into a lot of them in the course of my work. I had been really close to one bunch of people. We were always at each others homes and we always had great times together. I was closer to some than others so I was really surprised that none of them invited me to their place to catch up. I was living with my elderly Dad so not in a position to invite people round. Other friends I met up with for coffee...we swapped emails and left saying we'd be in touch and I tried but none got back to me. Even my best friend did the dirty on me and we lost our friendship. One of these people had a 60th birthday party and I found out about it after the event...I was so hurt...he had been married to my best friend who was matron of honour at my wedding back when I had been living in town. The only thing I can think of is that I was working as a checkout chick...when I had lived there previously I was managing a bookshop...snobby b@st@rds. Sad thing is that I wasn't able to make any new friends either...that was 6 years ago and I have only made a couple of friends since then but we are not real close. I think it's time for you to try and make some new friends Wolfie. I don't think you will meet the right people at pubs or bars...there must be nicer places where you can meet people who have the same interests as you. Love and luck to you Sweety.
3 people like this
@MsTickle (24962)
• Australia
23 Feb 09
I would have thought the gym would be a really good place to meet people. I remember you saying you were not enjoying it there...maybe a different one? I guess it may not be so easy to change. How do you go meeting people online? I hate to think of you being lonely wolfie ..I think you are a great friend and it would be great to spend time with you. It doesn't seem right for you to be by yourself. Hugs mate.
@gemini_rose (16193)
21 Feb 09
I know the feeling, a few years ago things happened in my life that caused me to lose most of my self esteem, most of my trust of people and as a result I withdrew into myself, withdrew into my house and shut the world out. I also turned to my computer and used it as a window to the world, a way that I could talk to people and make virtual friends without the threat of being hurt. Just recently I realised I had done totally the wrong thing, while others all around me were going out as families together, had good friends, I had no one, no females to turn too and talk too and I realised I was lonely. I started by going on facebook and found people who were from my town and started trying to strike up friendships with them, slowly it is working and I am getting somewhere, so hopefully I will get back some sort of social life not just for me but for the kids too.
3 people like this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
21 Feb 09
You sound exactly like me! My computer is the window to the outside world and yes you are right, it's different, completely different, I can take rejection on the computer but not face to face. I can be far more confident, be my true self on the computer but not in the public eye when I am shy, wary of strangers. I am the total opposite of what I am on Mylot, in that if you were to see me and talk to me on the street you wouldn't know it was Wolfie. So it's like a split personality in a way isn't it, one personality for the computer which shines like the sun and one in public which hides itself away.
2 people like this
@hiddenwing (3721)
• China
21 Feb 09
Don't be so modest, man! First, you look good, I promise! Also, you are really gifted, I swear! Your luck may be not that good sometimes! It doesn't mean that tomorrow won't be better! See, the guy who left the first response called you honey! She loves you, hahaha,! It means you are attracting, huh? But, to be honest, these guys are so honest! It might be awkward for people in my country to say that though! lol. Anyway, it means you are supposed to have more confidence! Why do you always degrade yourself? Don't do that! Do you followers? They are beautiful, aren't they? But do you cows? Do you think a cow will appreciate the follower? Why not? Well, the cows only like the grass! Compared to the follower, do you think grass is any better? Haha! Even though it seems that the grass are so ignorant of the beauty of the follower! I still believe most of the animals prefer the follower! You get that,hmmm... Good luck!
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
21 Feb 09
That is my trouble my friend, I have always been so hard on myself, I am in fact my own worst enemy! Yes I am extremely fortunate to have so many good friends, admirers on Mylot, people I can turn to for advice, support and caring about me. That is why I have been on Mylot for so long because of my dear friends. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I take it followers is flowers my friend? But yes I understood you.
2 people like this
@nannacroc (4049)
20 Feb 09
I never seem to lose contact with my friends, probably because we all live in the same town. I don't see a lot of them for ages but when we meet it's as if we carry on from where we left off last time. Ok now into big sister mode, hope you don't mind. This friend had already proved he is trustworthy and didn't tell your ex about what you inteded to do so why didn't you trust him not to tell your ex? It's quite possible that this friend knew that you were finally escaping from a bad situation. Now you are back in touch with him stay in touch. He sounds exactly the type of friend you need. Take care, enjoy your time with your friend and don't worry. Now stop making me look as if I can be nice it's bad for a crocodiles reputation.
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
20 Feb 09
Because I thought that when I was out of the picture my friend would drop my ex like a hot potato but it seems he still keeps in contact, I guess there is a lot of emotional ties there, I also didn't want to talk about my ex and be constantly reminded about. after all it was my ex who put us together and yet I let my ex rule the friendship, part of me thought it was a damn cheek seeking contact after soooo long! But I am glad I did reach out my hand and I hope we can get the friendship back on course again without there being too much water under the bridge! He is the kind of friend I need and I think without blowing my trumpet I am a kind of person he needs too ;0)
1 person likes this
@nannacroc (4049)
20 Feb 09
It's about time you did start blowing your own trumpet and really believing in yourself. Now look I seem to have adopted you as the little brother I always wanted. Only so I could boss him around though so be careful.
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
20 Feb 09
I don't mind being bossed it's the fussing I can't abide! Sis ;0)
1 person likes this
@sweetie1026 (1723)
• Philippines
21 Feb 09
Oh, Wolfie, i hope you are feeling fine now. I have tried contacting a friend to whom i was so close then. But i seems that he doesn't want to be in touch anymore. I have tried really hard to re-establish our closeness and friendship. At first, i was hurt that he doesn't answer my emails and offlines but now i have gotten used to it. I just could not understand what made him stray away from me. When we used to chat for hours, now i don't even see him going online.
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
22 Feb 09
I hate that, it's the not knowing! Why can't they be adult enough to say, look you have upset me or you have done this or that, but to completely ignore you, that is total rudeness, some people, well it's his loss, he has the problem, he's missing out on a great friendship with you and if he can't be bothered to answer you, then what sort of person is he??????
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Feb 09
Yeah, it's hard and to think that he was the one who started the friendship in the first place. But now, i don't worry much about him anymore because i have found more great friends on here, like you, and i am happy that i came into mylot. Surely, mylot is a great place to find great friends. Have a nice day, my friend.
@pumpkinjam (5774)
• United Kingdom
21 Feb 09
I haven't done that but I have been the friend. My best friend often disappears for a while. Usually only a few days but recently it has been a lot longer. Whenever he gets back in touch, I'm always there for him because I understand the reasons behind his behaviour. It took a while to understand because, the first time it happened, I thought he might have fallen out with me but I didn't know why. Then he came back and explained things so now, even though this time it has been over 2 years since I have seen him, he'll always be welcome. He is my only proper friend, i.e. someone I actually enjoy spending time with, share interests with and socialise with so, although it upsets me when he disappears, I think more of him coming back and I look forward to knowing he's ok and spending time with him again. I lost touch with almost all of the friends I've ever had, found them again on Facebook (well most of them) but still don't see them or really keep in touch so I find that it's nice when someone does want to get back in touch.
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
21 Feb 09
I sadly lost two good friends because of my ex, I ignored their warnings about my ex and in the end I lost them both and they turned out to be right, I never got to apologize to them or tell them sorry, they were right, I would say love is blind but to be honest, looking back I never really was 'in love' sad to say. I could grieve over all the friends I have lost and the lost opportunities, but you can't look back can you? Start looking back and the past engulfs you and it will tear you apart. It's happened, it's the past, move on as hard and tough as that sounds it is the truth.
2 people like this
• Philippines
21 Feb 09
usually with us, if we have partners, we lose contact with friends, either they always spend their time with their partners and sometimes forgot their friends and when they broke up, that is the time they remember their old friends and start seeing them again, using them to help her / him get over their ex. thankfully for me i am able to balance my time with my partner and friends, and i am also thankful for friends who came back into my life. i have a friend who never forgets to send messages before, but ever since she got a bf, she forgot to send messages. when they broke up, she called me and we met up and we started going out and sharing messages again.
2 people like this
• United Kingdom
21 Feb 09
That is so true. I find that a lot of people lose touch when they have a partner. I tried not to do that and I used to have a lot of friends. However, splitting up with my ex, they all seemed to continue being friends with him and not me. It's kind of upsetting but, considering the effort I made to keep in touch, those people obviously couldn't have been good friends in the first place.
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
21 Feb 09
That is true of me too, when I first met my partner, my two best friends warned me about my partner, but of course you don't listen do you? They had an intense dislike of my new relationship, it wasn't jealousy, I guess they were trying to send me the warning signs, but in the end I went my with partner and sadly I lost my two friends, even worse was that they were both right and I never got to apologize or see them again.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (99286)
• United States
20 Feb 09
I periodically try to contact some old friends. Others, it does not matter. I have plenty of people in my life, so it is okay. I sometimes feel I do not have time for people, and my job, in its way, is very social. My life is full of people about seventy hours a week. I do understand how comfortable it is to connect, though, and like to try to find old friends, now and again.
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
20 Feb 09
I guess not working is a big obstacle that's why I want to get back to work ASAP, because you can make friends at work and I miss out big time.
3 people like this
@GardenGerty (99286)
• United States
20 Feb 09
Wolfie, I hope you find just the right job. It is not real intimate friendships, but it is stimulating and balancing to be around other people.
1 person likes this
@stacyv81 (5904)
• United States
21 Feb 09
Aw wolfie! I am so sorry! You sound like you were just grieving the relationship..very normal I am glad that you alotted yourself that time! As now you are very healthily started to get back to your life! So happy for ya! YEa, I tried to get back into contact with my best friend from high school, 2years later, we both had a child and bf, and she came to one thing at my house, brought one of her friends, and everytime I'd try to call she would only answer like every other time...It was sad.. but oh well, I tried all I could,
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
21 Feb 09
The grieving process takes a lot of time doesn't it. And some scars take longer to heal than others, maybe in time I will be able to brave enough to enter another relationship but at the moment I think it's little steps rather than going back to square one again, I braved going out on my own and that in itself is a big step for me!
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17690)
• United States
20 Feb 09
Hey wolfie! Sometimes I feel the same way as you do. I push people away for whatever reason and remain vitually alone. And then I get to thinking that I miss going out to dinner or lunch with someone just to chat and I have pushed everyone pretty much away! So then there is that awkward time where you have to decide whether you want to take that risk or reaching out or staying alone. So I will usually take the chance and pick up the phone and see where it leads! Kind of like you did by email your friend. Sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith and see where it ends up! And you did that and I think that is wonderful! You have come a long way since I first met up with you several months ago! You are no so into that shell as you were back then and that is so great! Even if it is just little steps that you take that is fine as long as you take them! I think you're doing so much better and have become so much stronger and I am very happy for you!
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
20 Feb 09
Thank you my friend, I get very impatient at times and want to jump the steps instead of taking them slowly, it is a slow process but I am getting there, after all I fought off depression and that is one battle I am proud to say I've won. It's between the devil and deep blue sea isn't it, we push people away because we don't want to get hurt or rejected and yet when we push people away we are feeling hurt and upset because we are lonely!
1 person likes this
@rmuxagirl (7568)
• United States
20 Feb 09
I have been trying to reach out to old friends lately because I miss a lot of them since college, and since I am moving I would like to see many of them again. Right now I am focusing on spending as much time as I can with those around me right now. I know it is going to be hard to get into contact with a lot of friends from high school because of the distance and the contact info i have for many of them aren't the same anymore.
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
20 Feb 09
Live moves on and sadly so do some people, we drift apart and it's a great shame, friendship is very important, sometimes we do take them for granted and when we lose them or we lose contact we realize just how much we miss their friendship
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14887)
• United States
20 Feb 09
It's good to know that you are beginning to come out of your shell, wolfie! I've always known that time is a great healer, and you will eventually make new friends or renew old acquaintances. You have come a long way. I was quite concerned about you for a time, but I believe that you'll be alright. You should just take things slowly and don't push yourself. I am a loner myself and you do feel isolated sometimes and cut off from the rest of the world. I have been trying to renew a couple of old friendships lately myself. You're doing just great!
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
20 Feb 09
Talking shells, I think I was becoming a hermit crab! I think I am hard on myself my friend and not being a patient wolf doesn't help either! I have pushed people away not wanting to get hurt and yet the result is loneliness, devil and deep blue sea come to mind! Thank you my friend x
1 person likes this
@mysdianait (64058)
• Italy
20 Feb 09
Hi there wolfie! I have great admiration for you, for the way you are handling yourself since I've known you. Now don't stop now! I think it was a wrong choice to just go by yourself to the pub. Am I right in thinking that the others there had arrived in groups? Next time will it be possible to arrnage to go somewhere, like the meal you suggested, in company rather than by yourself. Are there any clubs where you live. Movie clubs or whatever that you could join and maybe meet others as the gym, although it is doing you good in one sense, it doesn't seem the place to meet others. I have a handful of what I consider Friends and a lot of acquaintances (a bit like the situation here on myLot ) and up to know I have never been in the situation where I have had to reach out. We seem to sense when one of us needs pulling or pushing and without even asking it happens. I am lucky!
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
20 Feb 09
I've been going to the gym 4 times a week since last March, almost a year and have chatted to no one! I don't think the gym is a place to meet people, unless of course it's just me! I do not like pubs or clubs and do find some very clique, if you haven't go the right look you don't fit in. I was lucky with my friend we used to go for meals together and the cinema, I guess I miss that relationship and I want to rekindle the platonic but close relationship we had, I am lucky that he is forgiving, even though a long time has passed since we spoke. My retreat is another place where I have met good people, I am going two weeks today, but I go there 4 times a year, I really want friends I can socialize with instead of spending every night in front of the computer which is not healthy and if I am to go back to work soon after a lengthy gap I am going to need to brush up on my people skills LOL! Thank you my friend ;0)
1 person likes this
@howard96h (11659)
• New York, New York
20 Feb 09
Wolfie you don't see what a wonderful guy you are. I agree sitting in front of the computer and not socializing at all is not good so do provide some time for your social activities. When the time is right for you I know your path will cross with the path of another. There is someone for everyone in this life and you will meet him when it's meant to happen. Stay strong buddy.
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
20 Feb 09
I go to the gym 4 times a week but haven't met anyone that way, I guess it's the wrong meeting place, I do not like pubs and clubs I just feel so uncomfortable and bored in them, that's probably why I put people off. Trouble is with my track record if I do meet someone they'll turn out to be like my mad ex's LOL! Great to hear from you my friend!
2 people like this
@raydene (9875)
• United States
21 Feb 09
Hello Son I think it's time to be branching out a bit in a safe way...new friend casually would be great just don't jump in too deep too quickly. I reach out everyday to ppl I used to know but like you I am cautious. Injury does that to us xoxoxoxoxo
2 people like this
• United States
21 Feb 09
I just recently caught up with an old friend on facebook, and it's been wonderful. We used to hang together, as I worked with her husband for a time, and talk mommy stuff. I enjoyed that relationship but then I moved to get married and they moved to another state so we lost contact for a time. We just found each other again and it's like we'd never been apart. I think that speaks volumes to the friendship. I hope you continue to heal. It takes time after a relationship ends to heal, but it does occur eventually. Namaste-Anora
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
21 Feb 09
Time is a great healer I agree, but the grieving process can take so long, I hope what happened to you, happens to me, I want to meet my friend again and feel also that we've never been apart, we were great together, shared the same sense of humour, I was a fool but we all do stupid things don't we, I am just glad I managed to salvage this friendship by reaching out.
1 person likes this
@suzzy3 (8362)
22 Feb 09
It is good to know you are starting out on life again,lifes to short to stay indoors,of course your confidence has been knocked your partner has hurt you,My ex moved out of the village so I was surrounded by friends and people I knew,so I did not have that problem,it sounds like you used a lot of courage to break free,you will see life gets better for you,just as well you did cut yourself off for a while,until you were ready to start again escaped your ex it sounds like you made the right choice.Be happy,love suzzy3xx
1 person likes this
@eaforeman6 (8983)
• United States
20 Feb 09
Wolfie, You are a very special person. You have so many wonderful qualities. We could all make a very long list of them. You have come a long ways. You are going to be very sucessful at whatever you do! You are growing more everyday and you have stated your positive attitude for the future.! My friend, you are admired by many, and adored by even more. It is all going to come together for you! You are a winner and you will see that more and more.....as time goes by.....Luv, and hugs!
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
20 Feb 09
And you are a very special friend! You always know how to make me smile and feel good about myself. I have come along way, I have beaten depression, I have dealt with hatred and anger and I have grown, I just must learn not to be so damn hard on myself and to exercise more patience. Big hug to you xxx
1 person likes this