What would you do?

@CRIVAS (1822)
Canada
February 28, 2009 5:23pm CST
I was on the phone with one of my friends today, we talk almost everyday. Lately I have been feeling less and less like talking to her. It's not that she isn't a nice person, it's just a matter of me not liking the repetition of our conversations. She's a stay at home mom of three, with another on the way. Personally I don't know how she does it. Her husband works out of town a lot and is sometimes gone for a week or more. She is constantly telling me how stressed out she is, or how she doesn't think that she can handle things the way that there are anymore. I understand that part, like I said I don't know how she does it half the time. What I don't like is the fact that she is constantly asking me for the SAME advice over and over again. I have already told her what I think that she should do and my opinion on the matter, isn't going to change from one day to the next. She keeps telling me that she is going to do something about it, but never does. I just don't know what to tell her any more. Any suggestions? What would you do?
2 people like this
18 responses
@MaryLynn321 (2680)
• United States
1 Mar 09
One of the best things to do is to ask her what she wants, then ask her what she wants to do about it, what is she willing to do, when does she want to do it. What is she afraid of, such as being alone with 3 kids, etc. I hear you about the repetition, she needs someone to listen to her, and she is boring you in the process, even though you care for her as a friend, you are sick of hearing her complain, and ask advice and do nothing about it. Well she is pregnant and the hormones are out of whack. Maybe things will change after she has the baby. All you can do is give advice, or maybe even some help, but she is the one who has to make the final decision. Good luck Hugs MaryLynn
@elmiko (6640)
• United States
1 Mar 09
your tired of the bickering from her. you need a break from her phone calls.
2 people like this
@ladynetz (968)
• Canada
1 Mar 09
Being a mom at home with three kids and another one on the way, can be really stresfull! I don't know how she has the time to talk so much on the phone! I find very difficult to get away from my duties in the house, from my kids, and have a moment for myself.Maybe she does not need your advice, only someone to talk to.And she does not want to "bother" you, only with what she's doing and how, to keep the house in order, but maybe she needs you to think she has other occupations too. I don't know - hard to guess when you don' know the person. But , maybe, for your own sake, you should stop for a while answering her calls. It's not to "friendly", but it can save your sanity...
2 people like this
@Naylani (111)
• United States
1 Mar 09
You sound like your a good friend, however it sounds like your friend is someone who likes to whine. Don't get me wrong, she is probably a lovely person, but it sounds like she is unsatisfied with her life and the only way it can be fixed is if she does it her self. No amount of advise that you can give will help. she has to make the decision to change her circumstance. Like the good friend you are, talk to her and let her know how you feel. Be tactful, but be honest. If things don't change and you are still having the same repetitive conversations about her problems, then keep your distance a little. It may seem cruel, but sometimes even our good friends can bring us down with their problems. Try a little tough love.
2 people like this
• Philippines
1 Mar 09
i think you have to be honest with her regarding what you feel right now..it would be hard for your part that chances are you might hurt her..but thinking on the situation it is more healthy if you just tell her that she's becoming redundant and that you're tired of listening to that same old story..but it doesnt mean that you are tired of being her friend..try to point out that she shouldn't be dwelling on things again and again for it will not help her to grow...instead try helping her to divert her attention on things which you know could help her..because if you keep yourself silent by just listening to her and giving the same advices..don't you think that she's not the only one who is being repetitive but also you..so first, be honest to her..and tell her what you feel..then maybe after that realization on her part will then start..^^
2 people like this
@lynnemg (4540)
• United States
1 Mar 09
The next time you talk to her and she starts to vent, ask her about something good that is going on in her life. If you redirect her focus to a morepositive direction, it may help her attitude to change a bit. Chances are that she is lonely at home alone with all the kids and missing adult conversation. If you have the opportunity, maybe you could go to her house and help her do something thatshe really needs help with. I remember one time, I really needed help to organize my boys' room. At the time, I was just so everwhelmed with bing a single, working Mom, I couldn't seem to get it done. I had told her about it several times, and one day, she just happened to stop by, and together, we tackled that room. She really helped me out a lot with that fairlt simple gesture. I was more grateful than she ever knew. I bet that your friend, even though she is married, often feels like a single parent with too much on her plate. She would love for her hubby to be home, but I bet that his job pays well enough that she is afraid of what would happen if h quit to be home more, especially in today's economical situation. If you have the time, go help her out. If she refuses to allow you to help, then you have still helped her out just by showing up for coffee and conversation.
2 people like this
@marty3888 (2359)
• United States
28 Feb 09
Well, I know the feeling of repetitive complaints. My girlfriend whom I live with does the same thing to me. She doesn't ask me for advice though, but I hear ythe same things over and over again. One day I mentioned it before and she got angry. One thing you might say the next time she asks you for advice on something that you gave her advice her is nicely but firmly say "you know what I've told before. I still feel the saqme way." either that or you're just goingt to have to listen to it again, depending on how you feel she would react if you said something.
2 people like this
• United States
28 Feb 09
sometimes you are going to just have to deal with it to be a good friend. she is not always going to have good things to talk about when you are on the phone with her. i might be a huge comfort for her to talk to you and get it out. you might not be able to help her, but i am sure it does help her a lot just to have someone to talk to. if you take that away from her, then it could make what she is going through that much worse for her. i would just bare with it. because that is what good friends do
2 people like this
• United States
1 Mar 09
You have done what you could as far as telling her what you have thought that's about all you can do. If she chooses to not listen to your advice there's really nothing you can do except tell her "listen i've told you what i have thought i don't know what else to tell ya" i have a friend like that and i totally just stopped talkin to her all together for all her conversations were "woe is me this and that" I did like you did gave her advice she chose not to take it and expected me and everyone to listen to her cries even more not happening so maybe she'll get a clue of she needs to do something about things and make them for the better. I wish you the best of luck on things w/ your friend and may they get better have a good day.
1 person likes this
@earthsong (589)
• United States
1 Mar 09
I understand how straining it can be to have other people's problems constantly invading your mind. I also understand what it feels like to be a stay at home mom with several small kids and a baby on the way. It doesn't sound like your friend gets out much, can you suggest she get a sitter for a couple hours and take her to lunch or window shopping? Anything to get her out of the house and away from the kids? Sometimes all that's needed when someone feels like your friend does is change their scenery for a little bit. Even if you offer to watch her kiddos while she grocery shops every once in a while, or even hire a sitter for her for a couple hours, would make a huge difference on this lady. When you are alone most of the time and have a lot to deal with its hard not to dwell on the bad stuff and make it so much more stressful than it has to be. Good luck to you both!
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
1 Mar 09
hi there... i think you better be honest to her. tell her about what you feeling about the matter. she should understand..it is not you dont want to help her but she made you feel discomfort. tell her to ask others about her problem not only asking you and tell her if she ask others she might get a better advice.but make sure you did not hurt her feelings because it might break your friendship do. good luck to you... =)
1 person likes this
• India
1 Mar 09
Hi!I am Gayathri.the problem is that she is busy and you are just diverting her concentration from her work.Call her in her free time.And bring her out from her stress.
@chabawel (330)
• Philippines
5 Mar 09
I used to have a friend like that. Unfortunately for my friend, I moved to another location. So, now, I am far away from her. I am sad that I am no longer there for her to give advise, but it's kind of good for me because I don't have to tell the same things over and over and over again. Am not saying you do the same. But if I am still near my friend, I would still listen to her. But tell her that I can't change anything for her unless she does if for herself. I can only give advice and tell her things that she wants to hear but in actuality, she is the one who needs to make something about it so her life can be better. And I will tell her that next time she comes to me with the same problem, I can only tell her the same things I told her before. And I will record it so I won't have to repeat myself over and over and over for her. It might annoy her, but hey, it will bring closure to me. And so, You're such a good friend. You're a good listener. But, everything must come to an end and it's up to you how to end how your friend annoys you. Good luck.
@kdinjax (25)
• United States
4 Mar 09
I would just hang in there she is just going through a bad time right know. take her out or something just you and her sounds like she is stressed.
@Rellz007 (37)
• United States
1 Mar 09
talk to her every other day thats what i do take it from a lsdys man
• United States
1 Mar 09
Hi crivas, In my opinion even you tell her many times about your advice to her just kept listen I guess your friend really need someone to talked but sometimes just find a way or alibis to short the conversation that she cant be notice before she ask you again in same advices. Good luck to you.
@shanna34 (20)
• United States
1 Mar 09
I understand how you feel but have you ever considered the fact that she may not really be looking for advice? It could be that she just needs to vent because she is so overwhelmed. You have obviously been a very good friend to her to listen so much. Just keep in mind that people are not always looking for answers, sometimes they just need someone to listen so they know they are cared for and understood.
@dmrone (751)
• United States
1 Mar 09
She just may need reassuring, and that is why she goes over the same thing everyday with you. Try to tell her that you have answered her question, and gave your suggestion, so the subject can be changed. I know about being a stay at home mom, with a husband who is gone for a week at a time or more. It does get lonely not having the adult interaction, but i do have friends to talk to and they help me get through the time my husband is away from home working.