How far would you go?

United States
March 3, 2009 6:06pm CST
One of the great debates about marriage is how far a person should go to make it work. The answer that has always seemed right and best to me was SELF sacrifice. You give of yourself to and for the other person because they are giving themselves to and for you. So both persons needs are being met and sated. This is what I believe. So I self sacrifice. But is there a point where you can go too far in the giving? What if they aren't as willing to go that far for you? I feel that I went as far as I could go. Without going into too many details I will say this: The very person that I am, the very center of my being was challenged yesterday. Challenged and put to the planks. I was told that I could not be the EMOTIONAL person that I am, the sensitive person that I am, the person that has made me able to empathize, sympathize and love others that are blood and NO kin to me. She was sent to death. And after that conversation/fight/argument, after the last bit of feelings I had towards life that made me who I am were ripped from my core, I got in my car and drove. I slowly and deliberately drove around the city to places that held EMOTIONAL memories for me, homes of friends, and family, enemies. I confronted a part of me that I have always loved and sometimes despised (because my heart was constantly broken) and I allowed it to die. I killed myself. I killed a part of my soul for the man that I love. I let her die. And along with her, I am slowly cutting off those who were connected to her. This I did in order to be who I was told to be in order to bring PEACE in my home. I died yesterday. So, is this too far? Or not far enough? How far would you go for your wife or husband? Would you DIE for them? I HAVE
1 person likes this
9 responses
@Jae2619 (1484)
• United States
4 Mar 09
Gosh, what a conflict your having with in yourself. Compromise is part of life, as well as a part of marriage. Once you start going past that line, and start giving up things that you, yourself enjoy to make someone else happy, isn't fair, nor right. You have to make you happy before you can make anyone else happy, and by giving up emotions, hobbies, other things to keep the peace in your house, isn't gonna work for long, you are gonna become depressed, and want out, and your going to want to go find that person that you've lost. From what little bit I do know of you, you love your family and would do anything to keep the peace even if it does mean, being lonely inside of your self. Everyone changes just a little when they marry, but changing so much that you don't even know yourself, isn't right. Many people think that everyone needs to change for them, and once the other person does, then there's always something else that needs to be changed and there again it's not fair. You can't shut off your emotions, and you can't hold back feelings. Everyone has them, and everyone shows them in many different ways, and for that, it needs to be accepted. You are you, and hold that tight.
• United States
4 Mar 09
i understand love, i understand compromise but whenever you change yourself to make someone else happy that is just wrong. if someone truly loves you they would accept you the way you are. you are in such pain and it really shouldn't be. don't you know you deserve to be who you are and you deserve to be happy? it is so sad what you are going through. i don't know how you can live your life this way. it won't last.
• United States
5 Mar 09
Jae, thank you, first of all for you comment. It's just as you say, I would do anything for them even at the risk of my own unhappiness. And for the man I love, there is no limit. I don't know if what I did was drastic because of the argument and the way I was feeling or if I just truly felt that it was the best thing and the right thing to do. It's confusing to be told one day that I am a great person but the next that the person I am is causing disruption in our marriage. TO me the marriage always will come before anyone or anything else, even myself. It is a conflict... but I am unfortunately, the type of person that makes up her mind and goes for it, and it's hard for me to back down on a commitment, even one to myself. Maybe he was right, it just may be unhealthy for me to harbor so many emotions about everything. We shall see :)
• United States
5 Mar 09
AngelLinda Thank you as well for your comment. You know, rereading what I had written, it seems that killing a part of who you are for the person is NOT the right thing to do, nor may it be the healthiest. And at the risk of contradicting that last statement, I have to say that it might also BE the right thing to do depending on the circumstances. Perhaps he was telling me that my emotions are too high and that sometimes they are just overpowering and in effect causes him a lot of confusion as to where I may be coming from or what my thoughts are if he makes a joke about this or that. If that is the case then letting some of that high energy die down is not so bad. In saying that I have to let you in on something, I typically am not the "give a little bit" type of person; I'm a "give ALL of it or nothing" type of person. At the scrutiny of my mom and now my husband I have learned that there should be a happy medium. But I just don't know how to be a happy medium with my emotions. Whatever I feel is raw and true and you can't tone that down or just give off pieces of it. I give all of it, which is the reason that I can love so deeply and feel so intimately about things. I just felt that they only real way to back off of the emotions was to toss them AND the people who knew me to be her, away. Perhaps as time goes on, I can ease into more feelings. Who knows
@buggles64 (2715)
• United States
4 Mar 09
On some level "yes!" I have done something similar, and I believe it was to far. I too, am an emotional, caring person. I cared a lot about to many things that didn't seem to matter to the other person. I lost part of my identity, part of what makes me the person that I am, the person that I have always wanted to be. I woke up last week refreshed and renewed. The few have chosen to keep at their "game of life" and I have chosen to take another direction. Unfortunately, some of the people involved are family members that were and have been very precious to me. It saddens me to think that they have lowered their standards to the level that they have. But I awoke, I live and I'm stronger than before.
• United States
6 Mar 09
Buggles, thanks for the comment. I am hoping to wake up from this refreshed and renewed just as you have. I feel like a phoenix in my marriage. That every time things get to that point where they are going to explode, and they do and our love feels like it's burning in the flames of our fury, I know that eventually, something beautiful, new and fresh will arise from the ashes. I am praying that is the outcome of this latest fiasco that we have found ourselves in. I am also praying that he learns something important from all this and that he too can become renewed and maybe, just maybe, we can both be accepted and LOVED as we are without pressure of change.
• United States
4 Mar 09
I believe that to make a marriage work you do have to give, but that doesn't mean changing who you are, or killing a part of yourself for your significant other. My husband is a very giving person, as am I, and sometimes we do things that make each other mad or frustrate each other, but he has never asked me to change who I am. I am one of those emotional, sensitive person and he accepts that. I feel that when you enter a marriage you should know as much about that other person as you can, though you still learn so much about them after marrying them and living with them, but if they can't accept the type of person you are, then why did they never speak up before. I truly would die for my husband, I love him, faults and all.
• United States
6 Mar 09
KRW, thanks for the comment. And you have just asked the same thing I am wondering. If he couldn't accept me before, then why didn't he say so? I have often asked him that when things come up in an argument that he has NEVER once said to me when things were fine. How he truly feels always comes out when he is spitting fire and brimstone and when his temper is flaring. And then it always have to be apologized for later. Honestly, I feel that he means what he says, and only feels bold enough to say them to me when we are angry and that is his opening. I am glad to be reading about the other women on here who are just as sensitive as I am and who are just as emotional but have husbands that accept that of them and don't ask them to change who they are. That's such a wonderful thing. He later told me that he didn't want me to lose myself, and that he just didn't want me to be so sensitive, but, lol that IS WHO I AM! We shall see what comes of things. And I love my husband too, even when things get ugly and we spit nasty things at one another... I know that those faults are still not greater than my love :)
• United States
4 Mar 09
Wow that was the most emotional post I've read here on mylot to date. Wow I had to take a deep breath. I sympathize with you because, no matter how good or bad you relationship , marriage is you have to give a part of yourself and the person has to do the same for you. I know how it's like to be told you are to sensitive, because am told by that by my husband and am told am not considerate enough and that I defend myself way to much. I think your husband needs to understand how you are you can't marry someone for who they are then turn around saying the qualities you have I simply don't like them anymore; it doesn't make any sense. I hope you don't fully lose yourself in the process, but I understand how you have to give up part of yourself for the other person. If you gave to much I don't know, that's up to you and they way your marriage is in order to decided that, because that question can't be answered by anybody , because only the people involved can decide that.
• United States
6 Mar 09
Misslovely, Thanks for the comment. Your first sentence made me smile because it depicted exactly why we (husband and I) had the fight, my emotions are so strong. But it's just the way I have been since I was mere toddler. It does seem odd for someone to love you (or seem to) for who you are then later on those qualities are just not working for them. And more often than not, it actually turns out that the things we fall in love with in someone start to annoy us later. It's so odd to me. The things that bother me about my husband I have either learned to just ignore, or let him know (as I always have) that I just don't like them (only if they get to be a habit) but I really don't think I have asked him to change something about himself that was there when we met and I accepted at the beginning. That would just be wrong. So I find myself thinking maybe he really has never liked the way I was so emotionally connected to everything and everyone and is only now telling me. Maybe he has just had enough of it. I don't know. But if this is the case then it's even more wrong of him to have let it go on for so long then just expect me to suddenly stop being who I am, and to never have known that he doesn't like it. He has told me since then, and since he has read this post, that my emotions are who I am and he doesn't want me to lose my friends.... and later he added that he didn't want me to lose myself either. But I still can't help but wonder if he didn't want me to lose myself, then why tell me to stop being ME? I won't lose myself entirely, but I have to let that emotional side taper off a little. Maybe they are just a little TOO strong sometimes. Cross your fingers for a good outcome :)
• United States
4 Mar 09
Mariedenae, This was a very interesting and deep posting. I believe that this is too far. I don't believe that you should lose yourself and identity. Your elements and characteristics that make you who you are. This is way overboard. You are to be who you are and change only if you feel that you need to. I had a similar disagreement with my husband and it is because I am too giving to others and they are not in return as giving to me. Maybe he is telling you this because he wants to protect you and save you from constantly getting hurt like your life has been for a long time. I speak from experience because the description you gave about your life and past is very similar to my own, this is why I felt it was important to respond. At first I did not agree with what my husband was saying, but rather took it as though he was joining the line of people who were always trying to break me down and cause me pain. But, sweetie, sometimes in life you have to take constructive criticism and analyze it before making a rash decision or judgment. My only advice is do not lose who you are or the elements that create you as an individual. It is unfair to lose yourself, kill yourself off, and start a new. You can learn and change a few things, but killing yourself off completely will only make your life harder to deal with and life will appear not as your own, but of a person's that you know nothing about. Good luck. Message me if you would like to talk further.
@lucas16 (98)
• Philippines
4 Mar 09
Pray to god and ask for help!!!!... keep the faith!!
• United States
5 Mar 09
Lucas... well, that just seem to be the best thing to do. Nothing more needs to be said about that. I wish you had told me sooner! It seems a lot of times nowadays I make decisions and changes in my life without first praying to God and talking things over with him and asking for guidance. But you are right, keeping the faith is the best thing to do. And in this situation, the only faith that I can have is the faith that in the end, God will do what is right for our marriage. Either it will stay together or it will fall apart. But it is entirely out of my hands. Thanks for the Answer
• United States
4 Mar 09
You are right, no one should have to compromise the whole of themselves if it will change themselves into something that is not them. More than likely things will become a lot worse than they were. Stay true to yourself only give if it does not compromise your being totally. Being married means you as a person will change that's just automatic, that change is for both the man and woman. One cannot change with the other remains the same it won't work as such. A happy medium, a mutual compromise and "UNDERSTANDING" of one another and how to communicate with out going so far out for the other that you leave yourself behind. As a man i have to admit that I have been guilty of saying things to my wife about herself and how she needs to change some things about herself. Believe me that's not a good thing especially if that is the core being of that person. We all have to give to have a unified and equal marriage, and this discussion has really opened my eyes to what I could not see at first being blinded by things that i wanted to convey and get across so badly that i was blinded to the changes that I was setting in motion. So as a man that loves his wife dearly I would like to say that I am sorry for not keeping "YOU" in mind. And for any man or woman that finds themselves in me, think about the outcome and ask yourself is that what you truly want? you may find yourself saying no.
• United States
5 Mar 09
Spectrum, thanks for the comment and welcome to myLot. I have a question to pose to you: How is it a person can remain who they are when the one they love despises that part of them so much? How can anyone truly be happy with themselves knowing that they cause that much anguish or turmoil for the other? In being true to myself I would have to admit that without those strong, raw, deep and sometimes outlandishly naive (as was told to me) feeling are the very ones that kept me loving my husband when everyone else said don't. That kept me strong enough to hold my head up high when I knew that everyone around me knew the things we were going through and the bad things we were doing to one another. Those feelings were the very same ones that make me remember that on those good days, those wonderful days, those days where you just put that last fight out of your mind and pray to move forward and forgive. If it were not for those feelings I would have walked away long ago, but he is the first person I have invested my whole self in, and I don't want that investment to be for naught. I don't know. Maybe it's like a bank, that has poor interest rates, ridiculous overdraft fees and slow processing time. After a while you will remove your money and invest it somewhere else. Maybe love should be like that. When things start looking like they just won't improve and you think you could get a better return on what you are putting into their heart, you just decide that it's time to take your love "business" else where. I never thought about love that way before because my emotions kept me loving him. But maybe it should be more straight to the point and less dramatic. Maybe I should take my investment elsewhere, and be who I really am and not cause him so much strife. Not be the person that makes him feel like he's in the antarctic walking on a sheet of thin ice unsure of his footing and just wishing he didn't have to be there. You're a man, you tell me... if your wife were doing this wouldn't you want to be somewhere else, and be happy. And if I am not to lose myself then what should I do when I am told this is just not working for him, this 'me' that is so high strung?
@biwasaki (1745)
• United States
4 Mar 09
I think if you have to kill a part of yourself to make the other person happy, then you are not being true to yourself, and therefore not being true to the person you married. He/she KNEW how you were before getting married, so it is unfair to expect you to change now. I don't know what your circumstances are, but I think that if you have to change yourself to fit someone else's standards, then you are selling yourself short. Good luck to you.
• United States
4 Mar 09
Everything you have said is absolutely true. He did know who I was before asking me to marry him, he knew after we were married, and now four years later still knows who I am, but doesn't like it. The truth is I just want peace. And hearing over and over that I am just too sensitive and emotional about everything, be it good or bad emotions, is getting on his nerves and making him feel as if he has to walk on egg shells. He knew all this, and I knew he was not an emotional person. One of us has to give... and I gave. Thanks for the comment:)
1 person likes this
@dalyme3 (88)
• Philippines
5 Mar 09
I too am emotional and I am also a very caring person. I have nothing to add but to say that they are right, You cannot change for someone since you have been forced to. You change on your own doing and on your own time under your own terms. Love is love, it is blind but you cannot let it be burned too much.