A complex situation!

@subha12 (18453)
India
March 9, 2009 3:04am CST
One of my friends is going through a very weird situation.She is recently married. It is arranged marriage. Now the guy stays in different city where she was based before marriage. So prior to the marriage, she has just spoke on phone with this guy few times. She is really a nice girl who is very bright academically and also in career. Now after 3-4 months of marriage, she has come to know, this guy had a long time girlfriend whom he married 3 years back. 1 month after marriage with this girl, they broke up and ended in mutual divorce. It made my friend devastated. Now few days back, she accidentally looked on the laptop monitor of her husband, who was looking at some mails of his ex wife.Now my friend is very hurt and want to separate away. She also thinks about the way it is going to take a toll on her aged parents. Now she confronted him about this matter where he says that he just opened those mails to delete them! Now she is perplexed what to do. In the mean time this guy is begging her not to leave him and telling like he now loves her only and no one else. I need all your advice.
3 people like this
8 responses
• India
9 Mar 09
hiiii really your freind has an typical condition and i think she is going through worse condition..but actually the case you have written in that case you cna see that she came to know that he is divorced person but he has nit now been caught with her. its natural that your friends always suspect him. but in this case she has caught him seeing those mails but his point can also be right that now he wants to start new life with her and thats why he has divorced with her if he still loved her than there may be no case of leaving her. he was telling to your friend that he loves your friend a lot and wanted a new chance so in that case your friend should give her a new chance because it may be the case that your friend think that he is just cheating and leave him and afterwards she comes to know that he really loved him than she will regret that why i had not given him chance and than everything will vanish so there is no sense in destruction in this hurry because every one will face problem if she get wrong and every one will blame you so try to give him last chance. about the case he has not told your friend that he is a divorced person because he may thought to start a new life and he may not want to recall his past. so finally i can say that at least last chance should be given by your friend to him and if your friend really come to conclusion that she is correct than she should not waste time in that and she should start her new life. but dont be depressed.
2 people like this
@subha12 (18453)
• India
9 Mar 09
A very well written one i must say. You may be very much right. But my friend was also telling that before she saw him scanning those mails, he used to refer to her ex many times in talk and also used to say what she would have done in this situation. So my friend suspects he still have very much feelings for her as that was a love marriage of 7 long yrs relationship rather than my friend's arranged marriage.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
9 Mar 09
It needs a strong maturity to accept this kind of situation. She should accept the fact that his husband is legally divorced with his first wife and there is no reason why she could not accept reality that she is the legal wife now. This happened before he married her and should not create a tension in the marriage. Why does she wants a divorce from the husband? Tell her to be more openminded. There are countless of worse cases where husbands flirt during the marriage. She is lucky that her busband loves her and beg her not to leave. Tell her to stay put.
2 people like this
@subha12 (18453)
• India
9 Mar 09
She is legal wife no doubt. But it seems he is still having all emotions reserved for the ex. Also there is no way to ascertain he loves her. May be in anticipation that this marriage can also break, he is pretending when his feelings are for the ex. My friend is like unwanted to him.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Mar 09
the whole arranged marriage thing is foreign to me. how do you love someone you don't even know? being married means making vows to each other but how do you enter into these vows when it is almost like you don't know what you are getting into? maybe she should try and trust him and believe that he really was going to delete the emails. if she entered into an arranged marriage like this, basically not knowing this guy who is her husband maybe trust is something that is going to have to be learned. I don't know, like i said it is hard for me to relate.
@subha12 (18453)
• India
10 Mar 09
actually it is in large number in our country. its true there is little chance of knowing this person.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Mar 09
This is the problem of not knowing the person very well before marrying. I personally don't like arranged marriage because it is not your parents who's going to stay with their choice but you, so definitely you are the one who will suffer most. Anyway back to your friend's problem, if the guy really says that he loves him very much now and he is not going to have communication with the ex wife, then it's ok, it is her decision if she will still accept this guy. But i am not clearly sure about what you said that your friend found out that his hubby was divorced? how come? did he lied from the start? this is really bad and will cause a lot of conflict from their relationship, he should be honest to her now that they are married. But again, it is your friends decision.
1 person likes this
@subha12 (18453)
• India
10 Mar 09
Its true. But now she is the victim.
1 person likes this
@dhaumya (107)
• India
9 Mar 09
Well! the very fact that the boy broke up the previous marriage just after one month proves that there must have been something seriously wrong. He can not be in love with that girl again, at the most he may be trying to flirt( this too seems to be far fetched idea to me). Tell your friend to reconcile at the moment and compromise.
1 person likes this
@subha12 (18453)
• India
9 Mar 09
But the previous relationship was for more than 6 yrs. They broke up as he says, she was cheating her. But he still holds pages of mails of the ex.
1 person likes this
@Ritchelle (3797)
• Philippines
9 Mar 09
advise your friend to establish herself first in a career then do what she wants regarding her marriage. tell her to keep her head together and concentrate on independence since she seems to be worth nothing to her husband. tell her to do this before any child comes into their lives.
@subha12 (18453)
• India
9 Mar 09
She is already established.And I think you are right.
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (16904)
• Quezon City, Philippines
9 Mar 09
This is a new face that the traditional arranged marriages faces. There is really a dilemma about getting into arrange or love marriages. I really think that it is better to have relationship with marriage out of love than those arrange where you are introduced and set for marriage. Although I know the rationale behind that the parents are thinking for their best interest but in the end it is the heart that prevails and that man did indeed devastated this girls heart for doing as such.
1 person likes this
@subha12 (18453)
• India
9 Mar 09
You are true. she is in dilemma and broken.
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11497)
• India
10 Mar 09
Why did he not tell her earlier? Ask her to inform her parents too. THey should also know and his parents must be informed. Arranged marriages take place with all the elders around. If she has been happy with him for the past 3 4 months and feels soft towards him and has not had any difficulties or abuse or anything of the kind, she can then think about all this later.First she has to seek the advice of her parents-let her have faith in God and nothing would happen to her aged parents. She can tell them the whole thing that he isnow divorced etc etc.., She should not let go of her job on any account.
@subha12 (18453)
• India
12 Mar 09
I think it is realistic approach