when he stalks...

@liaamur (420)
Philippines
March 9, 2009 9:55am CST
i thought i'll only see them on tv, or read about them in books and novels. i've never prepared myself for having a real stalker. he wanted to get me pregnant so he'd be sure i'll marry him (whatever makes him think that!). and because of this and a lot of other things, the love faded and i had to leave. i thought i made everything clear, i thought he agreed. he dint. he keeps getting my numbers, i've given up after my 4th change. he keeps going to my house, even at night, and he keeps calling me and letting me hear he's crying. my string broke loose when i found out--from a friend--that he follows me around. scary. have you ever had a stalker, in any way, before? please let me know i'm not the only one scared to death.
8 people like this
16 responses
@palonghorn (5486)
• United States
9 Mar 09
Yes, I have, but I dealt with it. He was stupid enough to work as a dispatcher for law enforcement and made harassing calls to me from work. He lost his job because of it, and the fact that I turned it in to his superior officer. He left me alone after that. You could put an end to it by getting a restraining order against him. He would not be allowed to contact you in any way, he would have to keep his distance.....or face the consequences of being arrested.
3 people like this
@liaamur (420)
• Philippines
9 Mar 09
it is good to know that there is an end to this. he is out of the country as of the moment, but i am friends with his brother, and he says he still asks around about me. good thing that even his family wants him to move on and forget about me.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Mar 09
I'm sure he needs counseling but the question is is he a violent man? There are ways of getting rid of him the quickest would be a restraining order. Another would be getting an intimidating guy friend of yours to talk some sense into him. Or you could get into a new relationship with another man, I doubt he would be willing to face a confrontation. This guy is looking for a parent-child relationship and you were right in breaking up with him. Sadly, no girl has ever stalked me :)
2 people like this
@liaamur (420)
• Philippines
9 Mar 09
his family is trying to talk him out of it. for now, i am glad he is out of the country. hopefully when he comes back he'll be a better man. sometimes i think i was the reason that he wasted away. :(
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Mar 09
He's trying to guilt you liaamur! Believe it or not, this guy is looking for a parent-child relationship where he clings to you like a good boy hoping for your approval and such to give him a boost of self-esteem. We can never "cause" someone to behave like this. In fact, you're helping him by saying "no" and the more you say "no" the more he'll understand that he needs to learn that other people have the right to make decisions of their own and that he's going to have to be able to learn to have better boundaries. Don't let yourself get down on this. You've done nothing wrong.
2 people like this
@liaamur (420)
• Philippines
9 Mar 09
thanks for that reassurance noel! i certainly hope i'd stop thinking like this.
1 person likes this
@dvrtmcc (176)
• Eritrea
9 Mar 09
If I getit right you are under surveillance or something like that by one person. Just act like other people who have the same issue. So what you have seen in the movies use as your own escape.
@liaamur (420)
• Philippines
9 Mar 09
bah! i hope i could kick his butt, like i've seen chun-li do to vega when he followed her into an alley! *sigh* i couldn't.
1 person likes this
@twoey68 (13651)
• United States
9 Mar 09
Hubby and I actually did have a stalker but not the common kind. Ours came in the form of his ex-wife. She stalked us for years...calling constantly to scream and yell about anything, emailing both of us and leaving mean and hateful messages on our messangers and finally creating a whole other identity to lure Hubby back to her. She convinced their son to help her which ultimately destroyed their relationship too. She used to follow me around to different sites finding out everything she could about us and then harrassing both of us. We haven't heard from her in a long time (knock on wood) and hopefully we never do. She definately has a lot of mental problems. [b]~~AT PEACE WITHIN~~ **STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS**[/b]
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Mar 09
Amen to that Twoey. Been there and done that. Now that the kids are older, she finally leaves us alone. I still feel sorry for the kids though. We as adults can handle it, but it really isn't fair to them. They're a victum to her personality as much as we were.
1 person likes this
@liaamur (420)
• Philippines
9 Mar 09
i am sorry you had to go through that, especially when you already have a family. i am only thankful that things have not gone physical with this old friend of mine.
1 person likes this
@snowcat46 (2323)
• United States
9 Mar 09
They are terrifying! Have you called the cops? Let them know about the phone changes, and being followed around. You should be able to get a restraining order. When it happened to me, the cops were no help. (Over 30 years ago, so don't give up on them) He was retarded (but was still over 6 foot tall, and a solid 200 pounds, not fat). Therefore, he 'didn't know' any better and they couldn't help me. So if he raped me, he'd get away with it, cause he 'didn't know' any better. (Load of nonsense!) I told a guy friend of mine. He was under age, but well known for fighting. The cops hated him. He and some buddies (they were acting in a play) got dressed up in leather and chains. They 'spoke' to this guy. I was told to never ask about it, so I didn't. There's no way they got in a fight with him. He'd have beaten them into a pulp. But the next time I saw my stalker, he crossed to the other side of the street and avoided looking at me. That worked for me! I'm sure the cops would have busted my friend for doing whatever he did. After all, it's far more important to protect the rapist than it is the victim. Sorry, just bitter over it all. My friend didn't in trouble, but he very easily could have if the guy had pushed it.
1 person likes this
@liaamur (420)
• Philippines
9 Mar 09
i can see that local cops are pretty much the same no matter which part of the world. that is frightening, what could have happened to you, lucky you have friends who would go to such lengths to protect you.
1 person likes this
@snowcat46 (2323)
• United States
9 Mar 09
Yes, I was. I am very, very grateful to them.
1 person likes this
@dmrone (751)
• United States
9 Mar 09
Hi liaamur, No i don't believe i have ever had a stalker. If i did then i did not know about it. Have you tried to get a restraining order on him? When he calls don't answer, he may take that as a sign that things can still be worked out between you two.
1 person likes this
@liaamur (420)
• Philippines
9 Mar 09
you are fortunate not to have experienced this. i tried those at first, but it just kept going. i had to try a lot of different responses.
1 person likes this
@lucas16 (98)
• Philippines
9 Mar 09
file a complaint about this guy!! better yet hire an assasin to deal with this guy!! you need to protect you self and your baby
1 person likes this
@aidnul (111)
• United States
10 Mar 09
I did have a stalker at the university. I did not even know the dude, but after class he would be there waiting, follow/accompany me to my car. every day same time he would be there. I just had to watch out and get out later or earlier to avoid him and then vacation time came. I was so releived. However, a restraining order is definitely a good idea. The earlier, the better.
@ljbinkop (744)
• United States
10 Mar 09
Well, liaamur, I hope you follow most of the people's advice here and start documenting everything this man does, and make the police aware of it. From what I understand, in most areas, the police will approach him if you start a file, and it may only take one time for this crazy man to be threatened. He may just go away. For you sake, I hope he does. I think most women, and men for that matter, (but it is a bit different), have had some version of a stalker in their life. When a ralationship ends, there is usually one person who is more hurt than the other, and some people just cannot let go! I myself had a small stalking experience a ew years ago. I only went out with the guy for about two months, but I realized very quickly that he was not for me. My friends all thought he was crazy, and they were absolutly correct! I broke up with him in a very nice way, and he left that day. The next was different story, unfortunately. He called and called, trying to get me to come back, then started showing up at my house. I was very scared, because I knew this guy was nuts by this point, so I spent a few nights away from my home, and then, I had a very good male friend start spending the night on my couch for a few days, so he would see someone else was there. I was lucky and this worked for the most part. I started dating the man I married a few months after that, and he acctually showed up at my work a few months later, and I was able to have the strength to tell him to get lost for good. Keep the faith, and good luck to you!
• Philippines
10 Mar 09
not to scare you more but its really creepy... that person should be stopped,even though he'd say that he loves you.. i agree that police intervention should happen..i think he's obsessed..and he needs professional help. make sure that you always have someone to accompany you.. never let him be alone with you... he is sick... i hope and pray for your safety and protection..
• Malaysia
10 Mar 09
NOPE AND NEVER HAD ONE ~ Maybe am a layman in banal and no girl will stalk at me like what had happened to you. But, I hope you use an effective diplomatic way in minimizing his eagerness to have you as his "prey". Running against the strong wind absolutely will jeopardy yourself. Nothing to scare about, he is a human and he needs your "wisdom" to clear his mind from doing any notorious work on you.
• United States
10 Mar 09
There is one guy in my school that dresses up like me for no reason and sometimes photographs me with his damn camera phone so no, your not the only one.
• United States
10 Mar 09
Ohh Liaa!!!! You have my support hun. I've been there, twice! One I'm still dealing with, but the first one is over and happened many years ago. Did you file a restraining order already? They are difficult to get but if you can prove to the judge that you fear for your life and that there is threat to your body he should grant it at least for a year. Save all messages, text messages, letters, emails, etc. Print them out and keep a file. I know that restraining orders really mean nothing (as the police still have to get there), but it's a start ok? My husband is my martial arts instructor, and I'd highly recommend you take a woman's self defense course. You need to know how to "get away" safely and effectively if this man ever goes after you ok? I'm very serious about this. Find a dojo (school) that teaches women's self defense and make sure they teach joint locks and joint manipulation (also called compliance techniques). These will help you assert yourself if you are grabbed and help you get away. They are much easier for most women to learn and feel confident with because they don't rely on strength, they rely on leverage and balance. It becomes very easy to defeat an agressor who is physically stronger and larger then you are. I am not trying to scare you but you need to make sure you do your best to learn techniques in case anything occurs. My first stalker was a horrible and frightening experience. It turned out to be someone that worked at the temp job I was doing, but it was very scary. However, the best piece of advise that the detective handling it ever gave me was I couldn't allow it to paralyze me. Funny, because on a recent episode of Burn Notice the character Michael makes the same statement about it. You can't let fear paralyze you, you need to allow it to make you hyper vigilant. Bruce Lee once talked about running scenarios in your mind, such as "In this situation what would I do". Having had a stalker I now look at where I live and I know all my exists and how I'd react in situations in any given part. My husband also works with me daily, not just in practice sessions-he believes in teaching me by actual experience so he catches me in situations in which I'm forced to respond using what is around me. I've learned to use door jams and walls to my advantage. If you need to talk please feel free to contact me in PM. Please, be careful. Many blessings-Anora
@ElicBxn (60895)
• United States
10 Mar 09
I've never had a stalker, probably because any guy would be afraid to stalk me. However, one of my brother's girl friend's was being stalked by her ex. I don't know what changed, but right about Xmas of the year before he moved on, the ex came around. By the following Christmas she was married to another person.
@yyc4220 (43)
• China
10 Mar 09
I'm a male who can understand what you are experiencing, as while as how he did such things. He is immature one and don't really understand what love or life is. But in your hand, you should check some reasons and resolutions from yourself. To untie the ties need the one who ties. There must be something you've done resulting the situation. Any result must have its cause. I hope you can walk out the scared life quickly. Best wishes
• United States
9 Mar 09
I have had a couple of stalkers. One of them wanted to marry me and I told him no and he still mailed me a ring and mailed me over 10 letters sprayed with my favorite cologne. And he would keep calling me when I told him not to call him. And the other guy would just keep showing up at my mom's house looking for me and he even found me at my job and it freaked me out that he knew where I worked. Oh and I almost forgot the other stalker. This other one was like twice my age and really wanted my phone number. He found out where I worked and brought me my mail. And it really freaked me out and I was scared of going out to my car by myself. And then my ex boyfriend started stalking me. One time came to my house. And he knocked on my two door's like 100 times really loudly and I called 911 cause it really scared me. It was dark out and I was with my boyfriend in the house and I didn't know it was him, but whoever it was,they were creepy and seemed very angry for no apparent reason. I was not with any other guy at the time, but the boyfriend I was with at my home. And he was also freaked out like me. I found out months later, by bumping into my ex. on accident that it was him and creepy was all over him and I didn't want to ever be bothered by him again. One of my old gal friends told him I was married a few years ago, and he still was hoping to see me. Yuck! Well those are my stalkers.