Drug users

United States
March 10, 2009 12:07am CST
My 21 year old son is currently in an inpatient drug treatment center. There, I said it. I'm not the perfect parent. I never pretended to be, but because I am a pastor's wife, many expect me to be. Our church members have rallied behind James and helped him get somewhere to get help. My family on the other hand...is a whole different story. My step father has chosen to belittle him and put my son down at every opportunity. He "always knew" James was no good, and this just proves it. My mother pretends he's away on vacation and nothing has changed. But here's the kicker. We've been told by his counselor that when he comes home he can no longer have any interaction with my brother...because he's been James' supplier for the last few years! I knew my brother used illegal drugs (though you certainly can't tell my mother and step father that) but I had no idea he was giving them to my son who was just 17 at the time! Has anything like this ever happened to you? I need some advice, even though it's still several months before James will be through with rehab and can come home.
5 people like this
14 responses
@mommaj (22770)
• United States
10 Mar 09
Good luck to you and your son. I understand you are a pastor's wife but it sounds like you need to let some of the family "go" if they aren't being supportive and are supplying your son's habit. Your step father sounds the worst. Tell him if he knows so much to enlighten you on the "how to". Instead of blaming he needs to offer guidance and support. Good luck with that.
2 people like this
@mommaj (22770)
• United States
13 Mar 09
I'm sorry about your father. Your step father sounds like a real lulu. Your mom either loves him or she was desperate. I hope everything works out.
2 people like this
• United States
14 Mar 09
That's one word to describe him! LOL Hubby and I decided this afternoon that his opinion just didn't matter anymore about anything. We aren't going to stress over what he thinks about our kids, or our marriage or our church or where we live. As for my mom, I wish she would leave the jerk. I'd let her come live with me in a heartbeat if she would do it.
@mommaj (22770)
• United States
14 Mar 09
Bless your heart. You shouldn't stress over that. There's too many more important things to worry about in life than what someone thinks of you.
1 person likes this
@emilie2300 (1892)
• United States
10 Mar 09
Its ok were not all perfect. And your not the one to blame for this he is 21 and made decisons on his own. Be thankful he finally is getting help. hopefully when he comes out he dont relapse he needs to stay strong and you need to stay strong for him. I will pray for your son and you also. He made the right decissions now he is at a good place.
2 people like this
• United States
10 Mar 09
The prayers will be greatly appreciated! He talked to his dad and I about moving out of the town where we live. He said he was afraid there would be too many temptations when he came home. We are willing to help him do whatever needs to be done to stay clean.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Mar 09
It may be a good idea for hime to start fresh and some where new to stay away from the temptations I ll be praying for you and your family.
2 people like this
• United States
15 Mar 09
That was a smart thing to do is to throw them all out. All his friends did was use him they were not his friends. Hopefully while he is getting help he will realize that they took advantage of him and used him. As long as he goes through the program scincicerly and open minded honest and wants to be there I think he will do good. The problem is when he comes out he is going to have to not go near those other people they will bring him down and he has been working so hard to recover he dont need to relapse. I been praying for you and your family I hope he has been doing well while in recovery. I also hope you are holing up. Stay strong for him.
1 person likes this
@deejean06 (1953)
• United States
10 Mar 09
I haven't been in quite a similar situation but I think it's wonderful that you have the support of the community. It's sad that your own family is tearing apart over this situation but I have to agree with the counselor. The best way to heal is to remove oneself from the problem area. I don't think that putting your son in the exact same place will help him heal and rebuild his life. It will be best that he is free from distractions and can concentrate on positive steps.
• United States
13 Mar 09
Thank you so much Dee. It means alot really! Even though the friends here on mylot, I will probably never meet...just to know that there are those out there who will pray, think about us, and listen to me vent have lifted me up many times in the last few days.
1 person likes this
@hanah87 (1846)
• Malaysia
10 Mar 09
I am sympathy for you but I never have experience like this.I hope you be more patient...I think many people outside there have experience like you.
2 people like this
@zedlav23 (458)
• Philippines
10 Mar 09
What happened to your son and your family may not look good, but I believe that Romans 8:28 is still as fresh as it was first written by Apostle Paul. "...All things work together for good..." We can't judge things on how they look today because God has a perfect plan and a perfect time for everything. Don't blame yourself, don't blame your brother, dont blame your son, or your step father, or anybody else. just remember that as servants of God, the only way satan can destroy you and the church is to hit those people whom you love. If you will fall into his trap it's like giving up in a fight when you are already assured of a victory. I know that you feel down, but as what David has done, "encourage yourself in the Lord" this is the best time to renew your commitment in God's work and to ask for his wisdom in dealing with this situation. God bless your family and the ministry He has entrusted you. Onward, forward, in Jesus Christ!
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Mar 09
What an awesome, awesome reminder! Satan seems to know that my children are my greatest treasure. If he can make me feel like less of the mother that God intended me to be, then he has won. I am trying not to allow that. But as a dear friend reminded me last week, even if he wins this battle...I've read the end of the book: GOD WINS!
@zedlav23 (458)
• Philippines
10 Mar 09
That's the spirit! I will be looking forward to your post of victory! Keep the fire burning.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Mar 09
Someone sent this quote to me earlier in the week: "One thing's for sure; you can't experience the view from the top if you never begin to climb!" So many times we are just content to stay in the valley and whine and complain and we miss the fantastic view from the top when God brings us out.
• United States
10 Mar 09
I understand what you mean. I have someone in my family who told me that their Dad use to sell and he would not sell to them but would sell to the guy that sold to his own son. I do not understand why that you would do either. No one is perfect. Not even a preacher's wife. Everyone needs to give you a break. I am glad for you that your son is in a treatment center. And that he is getting the help that he needs. Good Luck and Have a blessed day.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Mar 09
We got an ear full in the two weeks while he was waiting to get in to a treatment center. I was devastated at the people who had used with him, sold to him, and covered up for him. I was blind and should have seen, but I didn't. I'm just trying to get well at the same time as he is.
1 person likes this
@maxilimian (3099)
• Indonesia
10 Mar 09
waw it's so tough , well i'm not married yet, but i think you need His helping a lot, i can't give spesific suggestion, but keep's praying to Him, and stays at your correct and true path, i'm sure He will answer your pray one day, just believe it ... God Bless
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Mar 09
I definately have grown closer to God through all of this. I know that people have abandoned the Lord during rough times like we are going through, but I quite frankly can't imagine trying to go through it without him!
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
11 Mar 09
ya know...I'm not a church goer but i will tell you that at my daughters very worst...I one nite broke and cried and prayed to God with all my heart. I was so very worried about her and exhausted from it all. 2 days later she landed in jail. At first I was angry and cursed God....this is how my prayers are answered....exactly why I don't pray!!!" Then I realized...it was the first nite I slept peacefully in KNOWING that she was ok and not fearing a call from the police or worse yet...the hospital or morgue! It was the first good sleep I'd had in almost 2 yrs! It was actually a step forward. She still struggles but she is so much better now than she was back then!
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Mar 09
Sometimes Sid, God answers prayers in ways that we aren't looking for. Or he doesn't answer them when we want him to. And so because it isn't exactly how we think it should be, we say He didn't answer. But like you said, it was the first night you'd slept peacefully. The night we took James to rehab boot camp, I slept all night long and when I woke up I had a peace in my heart that I hadn't felt in probably 10 years. As hard as it was for me to see him like and to leave him there, I knew he was where he needed to be.
@jazel_juan (15767)
• Philippines
11 Mar 09
Support your son, help him to be able to stand up and recover..and help your brother, he is a bad example and even destroyed a part of you and your son. why not tell your mom about it? so your brother must be given help to..coz sooner or later he might come back and tempt your son. nothing has ever happened to me like these, though my kids are still small, i am really hoping and praying they would not go through these...god bless and i hope you will sort this out.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Mar 09
It is a dilemna that I have to come up with a solution for. Mom asked me this afternoon why I was so angry with my brother. I just told her that I wasn't ready to talk about it. She proceeded to tell me what a good man he had become and how much he does for her and how he supports Isabella (his four year old daughter) and keeps her even when it's not his nights (He and his wife are separated) to do so. I just let it go, even though I was seething inside. Today's conversations just proved to me that she wouldn't believe it if I told her about his habits.
@JoyfulOne (6242)
• United States
10 Mar 09
First off, I wanted to say that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. A person could be the bestest parent in the world and still have this kind of thing happen with their kid. It's unfair for anybody to cast stones because they wouldn't even know if it was happening in their own family, or turn a blind eye to it and disbelieve it's happening. I'm glad the church members are behind him, that IS just the kind of support that is needed, both for him, and for you and hubby. I am glad to hear your son is getting the help and counseling. While this has never happened to me, I know several other families who've had problems like this. If it was me, I would talk privately with the counselor, and tell him about your families attitudes on it. I would definitely mention to him about your Dad's attitude and putting him down. Your Dad probably doesn't realize it, but to keep on doing that, and saying he's 'no good' will only serve to lower the poor kids self-esteem. Those counselors are bound by law to keep what's said in session a private matter. I think that if the counselor had a mandatory meeting with you folks, and your parents, then the counselor could handle the situation and gently get it across that the kid needs support...not belittling! And, he could also get it across why it is so important that James not be able to interact with your brother. It's a sticky wicket whatever you do, but I believe having a mandatory meeting, with your parents present, could be done under the reasoning that he wants all family members to be on the same track with his recovery, and how to handle it...and how NOT to handle it all. Know that my prayers are with you, your family, and with James. Keep the faith!!!
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Mar 09
I appreciate the prayers. James is at a rehab center several hours from here, and I can tell you that my mom and STEP DAD will not make that trip. That's just what I deal with them. We have just chosen at this point not to say anything at all to them. What really hurts me about them, is that she was here the other day, and she didn't even bother to ask about him.
@tea512 (687)
• United States
10 Mar 09
i am so sorry for you carpenter5 but do not take it so personally. you are not responsible for every decision your children make especially after they are 15 because they do not listen to you anymore anyway. I think you need to confront your brother leave the parents out of it. If you do not you will only have two relatives in rehab and kicking yourself for not stepping in.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Mar 09
I have to disagree with you to a certain extent. My daughters still come to me for advice and they are both older than 15. I think if you nag at your children, then yes they will turn away. I've tried to leave the door of communication open with all of my children. This is probably why our son came to us when he realized he needed help.
@scorpio19 (1363)
10 Mar 09
Hi carpenter5, I really feel for you, it's tough to bring kids up no matter what we are ourselves. I'm a single parent and my son is now 15 and it's the hardest job in the world to keep a child on the straight and narrow. I personally would not protect your brother, by keeping you mouth shut about him your enabling him to carry on supplying to others, doing exactly to other teenagers what he did to your son. I wish you all the very best, I know when our kids go off the rails we automatically look at ourselves has been the one at fault but sometimes you know a child as to take responsibility for their own actions and it's nothing we have done has their parent.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Mar 09
I know this is true. A friend mentioned the "building a solid foundation" and doing all you could as a parent, and then having to turn the kids loose and let them make their own mistakes. It's a hard thing to do though! As for my brother...the jury is still out on that one. I did talk to my daughter's boyfriend who is a policeman. Unfortunately, legally there isn't much we could do unless they catch him in the act of buying or selling,.
@ShellyB (5244)
• United States
10 Mar 09
The only advice that I have is one day at a time. Your son is not out yet, work on healing you, if it means being away from the family for a little bit, so be it, take care of you now and seek advice from your sons counselor. I for one do not believe you are a bad parent, kids do make choices based on their wants too, and not all their choices will be based on what we teach them. *hug*
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Mar 09
One Day at a Time is one of the songs that they sing in chapel esrvice at the rehab center where James is for the next 5 months! The first sunday we went to visit, all the guys were up in front of the church, and they were singing it so loudly! They believed the words they were singing.
@Ritchelle (3797)
• Philippines
10 Mar 09
nothing like your experience has ever happened to me. even though you are the mother i still don't see any reason why you should say, "i'm not the perfect parent." much as we try our very best, if the people around us (which obviously outnumber us) wouldn't try to be a good person then there is absolutely no reason to belittle ourselves if things go wrong. your son, james, is 21. physiologically, his facilities are already established. you know, even his heart is now fully developed (the human heart completes its development in the human's 20th year). reprimands and reminders hoping to change him wouldn't do much and would probably worsen things. what your son needs now is a friend. an ear who would listen. a crutch to hold him stable and cling on to when he falls. sometimes that's what people like james needs.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Mar 09
That is part of the reason why I have lost respect for my step dad and even my mother to some extent. They don't support, they nag and they tell me everything that I am doing wrong, and all the wrongs I've done in the last 10 years where my children are concerned. I want my son, as well as his sisters,to be able to lean on me when he needs it!
@bunnybon7 (36504)
• Holiday, Florida
22 Jul 09
i hope by now things have worked out. i just saw this discussion and now realise its several months old. yes i think family is always harder on a member than friends. wasnt it Jesus that said something about being a stranger with your own people? not sure how it went. i really need to read my Bible more i think. but i do know his own people accused him more and understood him less.