How ti tell someone who loves you that you dont really like their choice of gift

@pickwick (858)
India
March 14, 2009 12:38am CST
Hi everyone!I have a neice of whom I an very proud .As a child I pampered her and showered her with gifts.Now she is working now.Its her first job and she dosent really earn a big salary.But ,to express her love she buys dresses for me.Very charming ,I know.But the dress material is not the sort that I can wear or I am used to wearing.It's a real waste of money on her part as I dont use any of the dress she buys.I cant tell her openly as it will hurt her feelings.She has chosen the dresses with lot of enthsiasm.If I dont tell her she will buy the same stuff again for me.I am in a dilemma.Can anyone help?
2 people like this
15 responses
@mimpi1911 (25454)
• India
14 Mar 09
This is a tough one dear! You share a lovely relationship and telling her straight and blatant would hurt her. She loves you a lot as well. I think, try to convince her that it hasn't have to be something material always to show that we care. We can spend the whole day together and have fun to cherish for life. We can hang out, watch movies, do cooking and better still yapping yapping and yapping till we both fall asleep. There are ways that can give us moments of joy and that is more important than material gift. If you can convince her that the rest gets easier. Next when she brings up the dress idea, tell her not to and if she is persistent ask her to buy some stationery like pens which you have to use daily. Good luck and do keep us informed.
2 people like this
@pickwick (858)
• India
15 Mar 09
Oh what an idea!Let her come home this hols.I am going to do exactly what you have said.I will definately let you know the outcome.Thanks for the sugestion!
@mimpi1911 (25454)
• India
16 Mar 09
hOPE THIS WORKS!
@krajibg (11939)
• Guwahati, India
14 Mar 09
Hi Supriya! I can understand your problem. Though it looks easy from out side the bet is not so easy dealing. As the dress is neither of your use nor you just can not ask her to buy them all of a sudden you can do one thing. Just ask her for a cup of tea and stealthily bring out the cat giving an example and asking back her that in such situation what she would do? If she is an intelligent girl would realise and she could through at you suspicious glance and you tell her now that instead of those things she could show her love in different ways too. You just try to make her understand the whole situation.
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@pickwick (858)
• India
14 Mar 09
This is exactly what I have decided to do.Thanks Rajiv for the suggestion.
1 person likes this
@krajibg (11939)
• Guwahati, India
14 Mar 09
Its my pleasure. By putting these lines I too gained something, I guess. he he he
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11503)
• India
14 Mar 09
Normally, wehn someone gives a gift it is courtesy not to say anything against it. I firmly believe in this and would always think to myself'Hah!I find some clothes less suitable on me when I myself have made the choice'.There are so many thta I wear One or two for her sake does not matter. But, in your case i f it is something that you won't wear then once agin it would become very unfair.So, you have to bring this in course of conversation and tell her that some clothes don't suit you and after buying this you have let go of some as waste really.You have to introduce this very gently in the course of conversation and lead/veer the topic towards this and gently break to her that you feel guilty that you are unable to wear the clothes. THis is if the material is not suitable to you[say soem people cannot wear synthetic fibre and would wear only fine cotton . Otherwise just compromise and wear it. If you wear it regularly you will slowly get used to it. It is again a case of training our minds.
2 people like this
@pickwick (858)
• India
14 Mar 09
Nice way to put things to her.I prefer that .Thanks for suggesting it.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Mar 09
Hi pickwick: If your nieces mother is around, you should considering have a talk with her to determine how best to approach your niece without hurting her feelings. Take care...
@pickwick (858)
• India
14 Mar 09
Yes, I must try that.But will she feel bad about me telling her mom instead of her?She is very sensitive sort.Thanks for your response LuckyLady.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Mar 09
I'm sure as adults, your and your nieces mother can have a healthy discussion during which you can express your concerns. I'm sure you will be able to work something out. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@pickwick (858)
• India
14 Mar 09
Let me try this out too!
1 person likes this
• India
14 Mar 09
its very hard to tell openly that you dont like or thats not your taste, but try to convince her telling that your taste is something different and you wont prefer the dresses she brings frequently, tell her not to struggle next time in a smooth way. ask her to save money for her future and about the way jobs are now. she may understand.
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@pickwick (858)
• India
14 Mar 09
That sounds good.Thanks for the response
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@mikeysmom (2092)
• United States
14 Mar 09
you should tell her lovingly that while you love her gifts you do not want her to spend money on you especially in this economy and would like her to save it for a rainy day. then either give the dresses she gave you to charity or sell them and put the money aside for her if she ever needs it. she is very sweet to think of you and you are very kind to consider her feelings so carefully and lovingly.
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@pickwick (858)
• India
14 Mar 09
You are right mikeysmom.I think I should do that.
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@srganesh (6350)
• India
14 Mar 09
It is really a confusing situation.I think,you can openly talk to her about the hesitation to wear that material and can go for an exchange where she bought it.And also insist on her to take you to shopping next time.That would solve the problem and both of you will not get hurt.Cheers!
@pickwick (858)
• India
14 Mar 09
THe problem srganesh is that she is very sensitive and if I tell her to take me with her next time she will think I am anticipating gifts.Thanks for the response dear.
1 person likes this
• Australia
14 Mar 09
You could be the nice person and tell her you love it, even if you don't. But really, her spending her money on you is showing that she loves you, and it is the thought that counts. You do however have a point there where you say she does not earn much and that you don't really like the dresses she gives you. Don't exactly say it straight to her face you don't like it. But during natural conversations bring up other things that you want that are about tehe same amount of costs of dresses. Hopefully she'll give up with the clothes and go with something else!
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@pickwick (858)
• India
14 Mar 09
Thats a wonderful idea.I must do that when she comes home this time.Thanks for the idea!!I can hint her about my craze for books!I dont mind even second hand books!!!
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (56170)
• Delhi, India
16 Mar 09
Yes, it is a difficult situation to bluntly tell her the truth. You can tell her that you have plenty of clothes and dresses and you do not require any more, so if at all she is thinking of buying you a gift, she can buy any other item. Above all you can tell her that - "Please do not spend money on gift, I know how much you love me and how much respect you have for me, if you want to buy a gift, get me a bunch of roses, I'll be more than happy".
@pickwick (858)
• India
20 Mar 09
Yes I really would love a bunch of roses than what she buys.Thanks for your suggestion Deepak.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (56170)
• Delhi, India
21 Mar 09
Good to know that you liked my suggestion.
@EvrWonder (3577)
• Canada
15 Mar 09
Hi pickwick; I have been in a similar situation. Worried about the persons reaction when I have something pressing to tell them. To my suprise, after saying it like it is, being kind and gentle but none the less point blank, I was thanked for being so honest. I have eight nieces so I know about the dynamics of this relationship. Some are less sensitive than others. In any case pickwick, what you have to do is get this out into the open. Obviously your niece visits with you regularly. Next time, greet her warmly as I am sure you do normally. Enjoy a lunch, tea or a general conversation with her. When the time is right just tell her. Say something like "You know [name], the dress you gave me (keep it singular do not use plurals as in dresses, keep it about the last dress she gave to you) I absolutely adore (something about it, the design, the buttons, the neckline, whatever), go on to say, "you must of gone to great lengths to choose that one dress just for me, with all the dresses to choose from but you know the fabric types doesn't agree with me (explain why, allergic,sensitive to rayon etc) but I do love it. I needed to tell you, so that you know". Use an analogy to explain such as it is like you serving her a cup of tea and you ask how she likes it. Even though it may be too strong, she says it is fine. You could add that if you don't tell me, I wont know next time. Let her know that you are aware that she works hard for her money and that it is gracious of her to think of you. That to that end you felt it was only the right thing to do to let her know that the (type of fabric) doesn't work for you no matter what. I bet she will apologize and thank you for letting her know. You must do this. You are both adults. Sometimes the truth does hurt but forget about sensitivity and worrying about hurting her feelings. Initially it may hurt her feelings but when she understand the reason for you mentioning this, she will likely be glad that you did!
@pickwick (858)
• India
15 Mar 09
Thanks Evrwonder for such a practical solution and for sharing your experience too.
@EvrWonder (3577)
• Canada
15 Mar 09
You are most welcome and thank you for your comment. Sometimes it is best to just say it the way it is without getting wishy washy. I really do think that she will thank you in the end. She will understand and be glad that you came right out and just told her. I hope that this is of help to you and in turn to your niece.
@VANILLAREY (1473)
• India
16 Mar 09
No need to worry. There are always ways to make a person understand without hurting their feelings. When both of you are in a casual chat(or talking about clothes), tell her that you would love to have cotton dress (if that is the type of dress you like). Tell her why you like it, etc. Use statements like "I saw a beautiful cotton dress in a shop today. I just love cotton dress, since they are cool and soft." Just make sure she remembers that you like cotton dress. Don't ever mention that you don't like the dress material your niece has given you. When we buy gift for our loved ones we think of what he/she likes. Next time your niece goes to buy a dress for you she will remember that you like cotton dress. And she will buy a cotton dress for you. Use such methods while dealing with people you love. And both of you will be happy. Or You can tell her that you don't like the dress material, only if you know that your niece is a type of person who can handle criticism with a smile. The first method is much safer.
@pickwick (858)
• India
20 Mar 09
I think the first method is safer.Thanks for your suggestion vanillarey.
@jetxiao (12)
• China
15 Mar 09
mybe you should tell her about your feelings.in some gentle ways. i think it is good way to show you realy care about her and her feelings
@pickwick (858)
• India
15 Mar 09
Yes,you are right jetxiao.thanks for the response.
@rhocky99 (30)
• Philippines
15 Mar 09
in the first place!! giving something is like sharing your blessings and love! so I believe it is nice to tell that !!!! your gives is beautiful!! in order for the person not to be hurt! but if in case it is not what you use to dress! therefor there is nothing wrong to say I like more better the other one! so she have an idea in the next gift that she will give if in case!!!!lol
@pickwick (858)
• India
15 Mar 09
thanks for the response rhoky.
@nikky28 (1572)
• India
15 Mar 09
Oh this is a dilemma indeed! Maybe you can tell her that you don't need dresses anymore as you have plenty of them already. Well don't say it right at her face but just say that you are running out of wardrobe spaces or that you have way too many clothes which are lying in the wardrobe because you can't seem to wear them all. And maybe you can hint at other things that you would like to have. And maybe ask her suggestions on giving a gift to someone else and that you wouldn't want to give them dresses as they might not like it lol.
@pickwick (858)
• India
15 Mar 09
Yes nikky ,its time I let her know and the way you said will not hurt feelings too.Thanks for the suggestion.
• United States
14 Mar 09
I myself would first try to throw little hints on things that you want that you think would be within her budget. Like take her out window shopping sometime and be like O look at that I would just love to have that just little things that you would use. And well if that dose not work then You will just have to tell her that rather she buy you something you would like her to put the money in the bank and save it for a really nice meal for the two of you in a nice restaurant. So you guys can " catch up"
@pickwick (858)
• India
15 Mar 09
Thats a good way of stopping her from wasting her money and i realy would love to go and enjoy out with her!