Before or After Marriage?

@SomeCowgirl (32270)
United States
March 22, 2009 11:46pm CST
Now a days more and more women are having their children before marriage. Some people feel that this isn't right and against religion. While others do not see a problem with it as long as both the mother and father are an active parent in their child or childrens life. Some people believe that a person can not raise a child properly if they are not first married, and that it gives a bad impression. I know there are many types of people out there with children, some who shouldn't have kids because they don't take care of them, and some who do and are struggling to show everyone that they can raise their children with the mother / father or even without. I have a few questions for you. 1. Did you wait to get married before having children? 2. Did you wait until you were financially ready to have children? 3. Did you struggle financially after having children? 4. Did you struggle to learn how to be a good parent? 5. Did you live with family other then a spouse and other children? My fiance and I are not yet expecting and we are waiting until we are financially ready to conceive so that we can give the child or children the best home they can have. We also plan to stay with his parents unless we have to move because of space.
12 people like this
34 responses
@rakesh284 (1473)
• India
23 Mar 09
In our country children before marriage is a curse. No one will accept it and will just trouble those who did. Even I personally think that a couple should marry first and after being financially stable to serve food for there children they should plan for a baby. Should care each other and there baby after marriage too.
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
24 Mar 09
I am SO glad that even with all the other problems in the US, at LEAST there are SOME people here who don't look at unmarried couples with babies as if they are cursed. I am sorry but that is such a harsh way for anybody to look at a blessing as wonderful as a baby. Even if it wasn't planned, what can you do? Being negative about something like this after the fact only hurts everybody from that point on, including that innocent baby.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
30 Mar 09
I'm not really sure what to say. I don't want to assume that you mean curse in the most worse way, so could you clarify for me? In the US, even parents conceiving out of wedlock are not a curse, nor are their children. Religion may say otherwise, and there are a lot of people who want to wait (including my fiance and I) but some don't, or don't expect a child, but they don't look upon at a curse (atleast most people don't). Please clarify.
@rakesh284 (1473)
• India
30 Mar 09
In our country marriage is very important part of every life and more than life. After marriage which is conducted in front of many people or god they can have there baby. But then baby before marriage is senseless thing. So it is worshiped.
1 person likes this
@bellaofchaos (11550)
• United States
23 Mar 09
Hi there SomeCowgirl I'll answer your questions first in the order they were asked. 1. Did you wait to get married before having children? My first two children I was married before I got pregnant.. But then again I got married when I was 19 then got pregnant when I was twenty and had my first child a few weeks before I turned 21. 2. Did you wait until you were financially ready to have children? All my children were not planned. I have to say this one is never financially ready to have kids and to think that you can be is, well you'll find out.. Just like timing you can time it perfect to have a child. Life throws things at us and you have to just run with it. If you want for the perfect time and for you to be financially stable you'll see that the oppurtunity never really presents itself or when it does you aren't able to anymore. Don't depend on whether or not the ducks are in a row so to speak. 3. Did you struggle financially after having children? There is financial struggle with or without a kid. Will I say that it was harder no. It's all about knowing how to get the deals and knowing how to stretch that almighty dollar. There have been times where the struggle has been there (like when one of us gets laid off ) but there are times when there isn't struggle. But keep in mind that there is help out there if you need it. [b] 4. Did you struggle to learn how to be a good parent?[/b] Learning to be a good parent is a constent.. You always learn and you can always improve on it. The learning is a never ending process. Face it we weren't given a manual on the child when the child was born I will say a lot of it is instinct and mostly common sense. I think that we all will continue to learn even when we're helping out our kids with our grandkids. 5. Did you live with family other then a spouse and other children? When I moved back from Kansas me and my ex lived with my Gram for a bit until he left and I stayed and went to college and got a job to support the family that I had I then moved out and haven't moved in with any family. I didn't move in with my gram because we planned on having her help it was more of we came back from Kansas after he got discharged and had no place to go and gram was kind enough to take us in. I want to close that their really is never a perfect time to have a child. You merely have times when it may be more feasible thats all. You're never really prepared and you're never really finacially set unless you want to sacrifice not being able to enjoy and spend time with that child because the older you are the less you can do with the child.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
30 Mar 09
First of all let me say I am sorry for the delay in commenting to you. As I've wrote to a lot of people I've responded to, I've been on a mini vacation from mylot so as to not stress. I've learned a lot from mylotters here on this discussion and while I might still be a little confused I think I've come to realize that you'll never truly be ready, and like you've said, your always learning. There are always new ways of parenting, and always new concepts so as to "raise the child right" as I've heard from television. I appreciate the response very much so, and I hope that you have a wonderful day.
1 person likes this
• United States
31 Mar 09
I wish you luck in life with all your endeavors when you do have a child keep you mind and heart open don't bend to societies ideals of right and wrong way to parent. Each child is unique and requires different skills. Society tries to cookie cutter everything and it's not right. But I will say you'll learn as you go when ya have one. Find what works best for you and yours and run with it. Take care.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
2 Apr 09
Thank you so much for the advice, I know society cookie cuts everything, and that's not right. I appreciate the comment!
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Mar 09
Well i am going to answer these in the order that you asked them. 1. I did not get married before having children & i didnt mind that at all b/c my kids got to be at my wedding. 2. We were definatly not financially ready to have kids when we did. Well with my second daughter, we were, but not with my first. My husband did not have the best job, we didnt have a house or rent a house at that time, & neither of us had a savings account. But everything worked out. I got WIC which helps low income mothers get formula, rice cereal, & milk. It was an excellent source. 3. For my first daughters first year we struggled a little, but then my husband got a better job, & everything was looking up. We bought a house, & could pay all of our bills. 4. I believe every parent struggles while learning how to be a parent. You just have to set rules for your child & yourself & stick with them so they know you mean business. Parenting comes naturally after you have the little bundle of joy in your arms. Hope that helped you.
2 people like this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
24 Mar 09
That will always be a special memory . Our daughter was 14 months old and she was the only person we had extra at our little wedding LOL!
• United States
24 Mar 09
Definatly a special memory. We had a small wedding also. Just close family. But having my kids there was the best.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
29 Mar 09
I'm sorry it took so long for me to respond back, I've been taking a break from mylotting. I know about WIC and it is a great source, I just hope that the way the economy is, won't affect those who use WIC and food stamps. I appreciate all of your answers and they are very helpful to me! Have a wonderful day!
• United States
23 Mar 09
Having kids outside of wedlock is a personal choice for many people who just want to be a mom. She may not want to be saddled with a husband to clean up after. Just plainly speaking some people don't want to be married for whatever reason, but still want to have children. It is a fallacy that a mom has to be married to be a great mom. I didn't have a father in my life. My mom was married when she conceived me and when she had me. I was just under 2 years old when my parents split up. My dad never even sent me a birthday card or a Christmas card. He never called me either. He married and had other kids and forgot about me. My mom worked and took care of me. My granny and Grandpa helped to take care of me when my mom would work to take care of us. So I don't think marriage can corner the market on being the only way to have well adjusted kids. I don't blame women for not wanting to get married and having kids. Half or more than half of marriages end anyway, so unless you are committed to living your life married and not screw the kid up with divorce, then stay single and raise the kid as best you can. I was not screwed up because of my mom, but I was screwed up because my dear old dad didn't care enough to help take care of me, or even send me a note once in a while.
2 people like this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
24 Mar 09
I am with you here on this subject. I am sooo grateful for my husband, but if I had never met him, I would have chosen to be a single mom and had a child on my own. I don't think it would have been easy because obviously I'd have had to work full time and use daycare, but the tradeoff would have been not having a child at all, and that's not something I was willing to play around with. I think it is definitely preferable and EASIER when you have a spouse or support person because doing anything completely on your own without help is hard, but it is not necessary if you're prepared for everything you have to do. Your mom sounds like a wonderful lady
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
30 Mar 09
I don't mean to take offense but I'll be honest in saying that it did sound offensive. My fiance and I are very much in love, and while we have a few things we need to work on, we're determined to stay together through thick and thin. We've got a preacher that is helping us a lot with that. Now I don't mean to insult you in any way either, to be honest while my father was in my life, he was a source of fear for me, I am glad to have learned from him though. I appreciate the response dearly and do hope that I didn't come off at all mean. I'm sorry for the delayed reply as well, I have been taking a 'mini vacation' from mylot!
@sunshine4 (8709)
• United States
23 Mar 09
If you wait to be financially ready, you will be waiting forever. I have 4 children and am still waiting to be financially ready:) My son is in this situation. He girlfriend is living with him. She is pregnant. The first question from all the relatives was when are they getting married. I told them they aren't, but did I get a surprise when my son proposed to her! They decided to get married before the baby is born to make it easier with paperwork. They will have a big wedding after the baby is here. I was married when I had my first child. We didn't wait to be financially ready, as I said earlier~ we'd still be waiting. We did struggle a little bit. My husband worked 2 jobs and I worked one. We lived in a house we purchased when we were married. I wouldn't be able to live with any relatives and have a new baby. It was bad enough having all the company that would just stop by to see the baby.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
30 Mar 09
Lol, I enjoyed your good humored response. I'm sorry it took so long to comment but I've been taking a short hiatus from mylot to "vacation" from the stress I put upon myself for no apparent reason, lol. Well I've seen from quite a few people here that they have pulled through even if not financially ready and it inspires me. I know that it will probably be better to move to your own house while pregnant or married, but my fiance and I are planning to stay here, but if need be and if financially prepared for (of course we have to have a little money, lol) we'll move out. I appreciate the response, and again apologize for the delay in commenting back to you.
@regal_aeros (2606)
• Singapore
23 Mar 09
1. Did you wait to get married before having children? yes. i'd wait till i get married before i'd have kids. This is so that my child would be able to have a proper legal full family. 2. Did you wait until you were financially ready to have children? I think i'd wait till we're financially stable to get married. And then having children. I want to give my kids the best. 3. Did you struggle financially after having children? well, i can't answer this as i'm neither married nor have kids. 4. Did you struggle to learn how to be a good parent? [b]i think my parents did struggle to LEARN how to be a balanced parent to me. But at times i still feel that they are both very VERy controlling. Too paranoid about the world and stuff. Since i'm at the receiving end, i think i won't go so hard on my kids.[/b] 5. Did you live with family other then a spouse and other children? [b]Well, my mum has advised me before to not stay with in-laws. It's best to stay alone. You, your spouse and the children. Moreover i've seen many cases of families getting into unnecessary fights because familiarity breeds contempt.[/b]
2 people like this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
23 Mar 09
Yep, I completely agree with you. It is much more advisable to live on your own and depend only on yourselves. If you do accept help from other people, make sure they do not have ulterior motives such as being allowed to make any decisions for you JUST because you accepted their 'help'. That isn't help, that is interfering. As far as being different than your parents, I can think of several ways in which I am VERY different. I talk to my husband regularly about not being too protective with our daughter. She is five right now, but my dad was HIGHLY overprotective and controlling towards me, and it ruined our relationship. I want my husband to have a wonderful lasting relationship with our daughter into adulthood, so she always has him in her life to love and rely on. Also, we all eat dinner at the same time approx but I have never forced everybody to sit at a table and stay there for an hour. I also am very big on taking care of your OWN things, such as, your room, your laundry, your dishes, your mess, your bathroom. I don't generally tell my kids they have to do EVERYBODY'S laundry, EVERYBODY'S dishes, EVERYBODY'S... whatever. Unless they offer to do something in order to earn a privelage or money. Personal responsibility and independence is a very important thing to learn, it goes a long way in enhancing your life if you have learned those things before you're out on your own in the real world.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
24 Mar 09
Regal_aeros - I appreciate your response to my questions. Sorry it took me a little while to get back to you but I've been playing a game I borrowed, so I've been going in between. I think that your mother is right to be careful, but I don't think that every family has fights like that. Mommymoo- I'm not sure if that was directed at or at him, but I also appreciate what you have to say. I know that it seems as if the father is always the one who is made to be the "bad guy" to their children, and I think that your stance of telling your husband not to be too hard on your daughter is great. Let me say that I didn't mean the above as an insult, I'm not very good at making myself completely clear, so I figured I'd better clarify. lol. I don't think the father should always be made to look bad, nor do I think the mother should be made to look bad. I think that the parents should take equal responsibility for the scolding of their children so the children don't think they can get away with something because one parent says yes. Let's see, what else have you said... Oh and I do believe I've responded to you once regarding the "stay with family" thing on my point of view (that sounded mean and I didn't mean for it too). Don't worry I'll get to your response soon, there's so many, it's great! lol! I appreciate your responses and comments me, this goes for the both of you
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
23 Mar 09
Well... the best laid plans and all that.... and life is what happens when you're busy making plans. I have to say that since religion really doesn't mean anything to me, I don't feel that it matters. Even if it DOES matter to someone else, it is very intolerant and judgemental to say it does, since the main objective is a solid loving secure home/family, which does not require marriage. Marriage is a legal contract, it does not make or break or define anybody's love or commitment. I get a much worse impression of people who claim you have to do anything in a certain order or adhere to certain 'standards' in order for them to 'accept' you lol. That is a bunch of bull. If you choose to live that way, that is fine, you are putting YOURSELF in a box. I don't care what you do, but to project your issues onto other people, that is not fair, respectful, nor okay, I mean you wouldn't want ME projecting MY ideas of right and wrong on you, correct? General you, not you you . Thank goodness we are all free to CHOOSE differently. 1. I did not 'wait' because our daughter was a happy surprise while on vacation. It was actually perfect timing although I didn't know it at the time. I had been trying unsuccessfully with my ex husband for YEARS prior, and I had just gotten together with my current hubby - although we were not married yet. If it makes a difference to anybody shaking their heads, the INTENTION to get married was there, and we are married NOW. 2. We were financially secure at the time so I guess the answer to this question is yes. 3. There have been times of plenty and times where we had to be more careful, right now the economy is messed up, which is ONE of the reasons we are not having any MORE children. The other reason is that we do want to retire some day 4. Not really. After you've been planning and ready to have kids for more than 10 years, when you finally get one you're really just so over the moon. It IS a learning process though, by the time you get used to one stage it seems they are on to something else. Anybody who says their kids learn more from them than they learn from their kids is probably wrong lol. 5. Yes and no. My MIL lived with US for awhile and it was a disaster. I do not advocate either living WITH other people if you're engaged or married or allowing other people to live WITH YOU - unless the boundaries are drawn so none of you interfere in each other's business. I REALLY don't intend to sound mean by saying this - I just had a very awful experience - and many people I know have had awful experiences. Sometimes parents or in-laws attempt to take over, or they treat you (as an ADULT) as if you're 12 years old. It is disgusting, rude, and disrespectful, and they really ought to butt out and treat you more as if you were a roommate and they have no stock or say in any decision YOU make concerning YOUR life. If there are clear boundaries which are respected on both sides, and you are happy with the arrangement, I do think it can work, but I really haven't seen too many situations where everybody is happy. Having your own space and independence and freedom tends to become more important after you have a child or children. It's important anyway but when you consider it, after a child you are now a new family, and you have the right to privacy, starting and enjoying your own traditions and your own way of doing things. Often with other people around, you end up feeling like you have to get their approval, or they disapprove of various things you do, and either way that is a negative point against you being able to have your own life - which is what you should have as a new family. Your focus at that point should be making YOURSELVES happy, not making other folks in your life happy (parents, in-laws, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc). I know I have strong views about this but I REALLY don't want to see anybody experience even a fraction of what I've experienced. I have had bad experiences with roommates and the bad experience with my MIL, and honestly, I wouldn't wish EITHER of those on my WORST ENEMY EVER, much less EVER want to hear about a friend or someone I care about going thru it!! Good luck to you!
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
24 Mar 09
MommyBoo, first of all let met first apologize because I think I have called you mommymoo instead of boo atleast once. This was not intentional! . I've copied and pasted your response to me into wordpad so that I can go through it all piece by piece, and respond to you in kind. I also want to say I appreciate all the response and comments you've been making here on my discussion and I hope you don't mind me responding to them in kind. I think the best way for me to clarify myself is to first let you know my viewpoints on a few things. 1. I think that the way society is now it would be wrong for anyone to judge another because they gave birth out of wedlock. I also think that it's wrong to say that a person should not live together before marriage, although I understand the reasons to both. My mom wasn't married to my dad when I was conceived, nor was she ever married to him. I don't blame her, but that's neither here nor there on this comment to you , lol. My fiance and I live together. I don't like to "claim" as you have said in your response, and I am glad that you do not either. It's just a form of judging, and it's not right to judge. 1. Simply to your response, if you were happy, then that's great. This goes along with me saying I don't care whether a person conceived out of wedlock, it'd be wrong of me to judge you as you could simply throw it back in my face with the way I told you my mother and father were not married. 2. That's also cool, glad you were financially secure. 3. Frugal is a great way to be, the way the economy is it pays to be frugal! Lol about the retiring part. 4. I know that all children are different and not really so much about the stages either, although those play a roll. I think that it's wise to say the parents learn more, although I'm not yet a parent being around small children (we have a niece and nephew) is a learning experience. 5. I appreciate that you have shared a little of what you have gone through. I have gone through a little unrelated thing with roommates. My fiance's mother and father are a breeze, lol, they are not demanding but they are respectul and want respect back. Plain and simple, atleast with them, I see no problem! I appreciate the response, and happy mylotting!
• United States
23 Mar 09
I don't think it's that big of a deal. My mom and dad weren't together and I turned out fine. My husband and I were married for about a half a year before we had a baby. To answer your questions: 1. Yes we were married before we had our daughter. 2. No matter what, no one will ever be finacially ready to have children. 3. Things are tight, but we make do. 4. This is my first child, but it comes naturally. 5. No, it's just my husband, me, our daughter, my step-daughter, and my nephew. (My nephews mom is one of those moms who shouldn't be parents.) Like I said, no matter what you will never be financially ready to support a child. But they are blessings and money doesn't matter when you have that sweet face looking up at you.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
23 Mar 09
My own mother and father weren't married. I'm sorry if in my discussion I made it seem as if you have to be. I think that I've come to realize that no one will be financially ready, I guess in a way I thought that we had to be, but truly you don't. I like the way you said it, "that sweet face looking up at you". I appreciate the response.
• Taiwan
23 Mar 09
1.Indeed,I still think we should get married then have a child.In our contry,there are many difficulties about the non-child born in wedlock. 2.At the beginning, i plan to have a child until we have a few house loan.but now,i must change it,because i have nothing to do except to have a baby now. 3.After having children,both my hubby and i will be more busier to earn money to feed them up. 4.I will learn how to be a good mom from time to time,but my hubby doesn't so seriously haha. 5.now my father-in-law is suffering from cancer,so we have to live with him now,but in the future,we maybe have a nuclear family.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
23 Mar 09
In our country (the usa) there is still difficulties of people not agreeing with it, but I don't think it's so outlawed as say it once was. I've always thought that I wanted a nuclear family, and in some ways I do but the way the economy is, I think it might be better to stay with family. Ofcourse I know how some people have said that they're living with parents didn't go so very well, but I think it all depends on the individual and the acceptability of "rules".
@chookie1971 (2276)
• Australia
23 Mar 09
My original plan was to get married, buy a house, and travel overseas once before having a child. But things change. I ended up pregnant with my first child. Then the question about marriage popped up from a family member. They wanted me to get married before having the baby. I really had to think about that very carefully. I questioned myself if I wanted to get married because I was having a child or did I want to get married because I loved the father of the baby. It took me couple of months before I decided that I wanted to marry the father because I loved him. One thing for sure, I didn't want to marry him just because of the baby. When people heard that we were engaged to get married, they thought we were only getting married because of the baby and thought that the marriage would not last. For me personally, marriage was not that important to me at the time. I wanted to have my baby first, we christened him all before we thought about plans on getting married. We then had our second child and finally bought a house. I will admitt that it has been a struggle both financially and mentally. Parenting is not an easy thing. I certainly try to be a good parent but it is hard to bring the best out in the children when there are outside influences on the children. That is a struggle. It does get harder as children grow up and the outside influences becomes stronger. I feel that all I can do is try my best to be a good parent even if it means that I have to be evil in my children's eyes. One thing for sure is parenting is learn as you go thing. You can have expectations. I did have expectations on how I would raise my kids and how they will behave. My expectations have not been met and really these days, I don't think my children will be the way I would them to be. This doesn't mean that I have failed as a good parent. After all, the only thing I can do, is learn and try to be the best I possibly can and guide my children to do the right thing and hope that my children will be alright. One thing I do remember, my children will never understand why I had raise them the way I have. They will never understand why I look so evil and a bad mother to them. The time, they will understand everything will be the day they have children of their own. I never understood why my parents raised me the way they did until I had my own children. Always expect the unexpected. Life may not always go according to plan. If it does, you are certainly one of the lucky ones. Even when you do become ready to have a child, you are never really truely ready for what lies ahead. Babies change things. Even when I was ready for my second baby, the baby changed things around. Today my kids are 14 and 9. I have alot to learn still from my children about life. There will be more unexpected events. So my journey as a parent will continue. My husband and I may not be rich. We struggle day by day, week by week. The only thing that we are rich in is love we have for our children. Good luck with your own futures, I do hope that your plans do work out. But if they don't, ride it through as it is an experience. When you do have a baby, planned or not, it will change your world so much.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
23 Mar 09
I read this last night but did not have a chance to comment on it as my fiance and I had decided to watch the lion king. I appreciate your inspiring words. I think that you have hit some very interesting and good points, I really loved where you had said that you and your husband are rich in love for your children! That is very beautiful! Money doesn't grow on trees, and money doesn't matter as long as you have love!
1 person likes this
@pmspratik (202)
• Nepal
23 Mar 09
Well I am a teenager right now and of course I was born after the marriage of my parents. I would hate to be a chikd of unmmarried parents they they can leave each other anytime and besides the society which I live in right now won't consider it good to have children before marriage. And I personally think that a person should only have children after marriage and not before marriage as its against every religion and there is a religion cause we are a part of it. God made man and women to marry and then only beget the offsprings not before marriage.
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
23 Mar 09
I can understand your viewpoint because you are right it is religion, but of how many believe this I am not sure. I appreciate the response.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
23 Mar 09
Many people do not really care whether your parents are married or not, and it seems highly judgemental for anybody to care anyway. Would THEY want to be looked down on or discriminated against for that... I wonder? Likely not, so I don't know how they can live with themselves for judging. Either way, it doesn't make you BETTER if your parents are married. If you think so then you have more ego problems than you realize. Judge not lest you be judged? People are forgetting that little tidbit.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
23 Mar 09
mommyboo, I appreciate the comment. I did find it a little wrong for this person to judge in such a way, but I didn't want to say anything. The Truth is, my mother and father were never married.
1 person likes this
@HelloMickey (1663)
• Hong Kong
23 Mar 09
1. Yes 2. Yes, of coz. I don't risk my childern's life. 3. Don't know yet. But I must be planned well before I give birth. 4. I like being a good parents is so natural. My parents are great and they even didn't learn how to be parents when they were young. 5. No. I live with my husband only. Living with parents-in-law is another knowledge we can hardly have very well.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
23 Mar 09
Parenting does come natural for most but for some it doesn't. Plus I don't think that everyone knows what to do when they bring the baby home. I think that living with inlaws isn't all that bad and I don't see where some believe it to be bad. I guess it just depends on whom you live with and how they react to you (as an individual). I appreciate the response.
1 person likes this
• Hong Kong
23 Mar 09
Yes, I know it depends on what kind of people you live with. I learnt it from my parents that even childern have their lifestyle, if you can control yourself not to intervenes others' lifestyle, then that's fine. Or you sure no one want to intervene your new life with you husband. It causes quite a lot problems to live with our parents-in-law in HK, as we live in a small space and we need to share most of the space with others. As you said, of course, some are so happy to live with parents after married, I am one of them, as my parents are very kind people. Good Luck.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
23 Mar 09
Cramped places are never fun to jam people into and I can understand where tensions might arise. I'm glad you are happy living with your parents! Good Luck in your life, and happy mylotting. By the way, nice little edit of the mylot default avatar!
1 person likes this
@daliaj (5689)
• India
23 Mar 09
It is always good to have childrren after marriage. Here are the answers for your questions. 1. Yes. I waited to have kids only after marriage. 2. Yes. I am waiting to be financially good to havekids. 3. I don't want to struggle financially after marriage. 4. I don't know. I am yet to go through that. 5. I live with my husband. My husband and I are waiting to be financially good to have kids. But, we are staying alond and we don't prefer staying with parents. I don't think even parents will prefer staying with us.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
23 Mar 09
I am glad that you are waiting, it's always better to wait until your financially ready, and that can be anything not just about children! My fiance and I live with his parents and they do not mind at all. We don't (neither) have jobs right now so what we earn is online. They are being exceptionally fair to us, though they know we struggle to make what we do make! I appreciate the response.
1 person likes this
@daliaj (5689)
• India
23 Mar 09
I wonder which coutnry do you belong to?
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@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
23 Mar 09
The USA.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Mar 09
Ok. Well, first, let me say that I originally planned to be married before conceiving a child. But, her father and I were deeply in love, financially stable, and on birth control.....So, I planned to be married before the birth of my first child.....had the marriage license, church reserved, reception planned. Then, he got in trouble and went to jail....So, now, we plan to be married before conceiving a SECOND CHILD.....lol. To be honest, that is all true. But, currently, I am a single mommy, my daughter is the child of an incarcerated father, and I am definately struggling. He was the one making the money, paying the bills. I was the one staying home, taking care of our home. Then when he went to jail, it was a sock in the chest. I am currently living with family. My parents. Technically, we have our own apartment, in their upstairs...but its still in their house. I am currently unemployed but searching avidly. And, I am a great mother. I am extremely attentive, extremely loving and extremely devoted. Kudos for making sure you are completely and entirely ready before jumping into parenthood, just please know that some are taking the necessary precautions to be able to make love without becoming parents too soon, but, sometimes, thats not enough!
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
23 Mar 09
I know that my fiance and I are deeply in love and that we sometimes want to not take the precautions and just have the children. That being said, regarding your last sentence birth control of any form is not certain, sometimes I wonder why they even make the stuff if it's not completely certain. I am sure you are struggling very much but you sound lucky to have your parents to let you live with them. The way the economy is I am sure there are many struggling mother and fathers, whether they be single or not trying to find ways to make ends meet. Even government jobs are hard to find, atleast that is what the local news has said in the past few months. Good Luck on finding a job! I appreciate the response!
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
23 Mar 09
LOL! Nope, birth control is not 100%. This is probably why people should be prepared for what-if just in case birth control fails or doesn't work. I have friends who have had babies on the pill, babies on the patch, babies on depo, and babies after their significant others/husbands had vasectomies. I don't actually know anybody who had a baby after her tubes were tied but that probably happens occasionally. Birth control worked for me for the couple years I used it, mostly depo. I'm using an iud now and it's worked so far - since we aren't planning more kids but neither of us wanted to permanently prevent it.
@dismalgrin (2470)
• United States
24 Mar 09
I have 3 children and I have never been married. With my first child I was pretty financially secure when I had her. But, then the bottom dropped out and I had to move in with my parents. I was really misrable there. My parents were in the middle of a divorce. My dad was taking it out on my siblings, my siblings were taking it out on me. So, I moved into a 1 bedroom apartment with my daughter and met the lcoal security guard. Haha. Then I was working at McDonalds, and I was getting sick on the job horribly and very depressed. So, one day I just walked out... a couple days later I found out I was pregnant. So, my boyfriend found a place for us to all live together and we lived there for um... 6 months. It was nice to have the space and to be able to live together but the house was not in good shape at all! And his crazy ex wife would just show up and walk right into the house demanding to speak with her 'husband' Argggg. So, we moved. But, the place we moved to was section 8 housing and we couldn't make ends meet while he was staying with us. So, he called a cousin and asked if he could stay with him for awhile so that me and the girls could have a roof over our heads for free. Well, he would still come buy and visit, give us money and stuff. And on one of those trips I got pregnant again! So, now my doctor told me about implenon and I have that in. We are now waiting to be more financially stable, but our idea of being financially stable is a little different than other peoples. Haha. I own a mobile home now so that's good. To have anymore children we would need a minivan though. And we would need to be getting just a little more money. We have a lot of resources between us so we don't need all the money in the world. Just enough to get by really. I don't know about the marriage thing. I think as long as 2 people make the commitment to stay together and raise a family together, the rest is just a piece of paper.
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
30 Mar 09
There are so many different views on marriage and everything that I think the only thing that is certain is the struggle - if two people can stay together throughout bad times, marriage papers don't matter. My fiance and I want to married for our own religious reasons, but I won't impose them on you or anyone else.
@Aquilis (175)
24 Mar 09
I think the important things are that the child is loved and wanted by its parents whether planned or not, inside or outside of a marriage. This aside as long as the relationship is strong and loving I think it can cope with the stress of a child, as even marriage is no longer the definate thing it once was. rather than worry about a bit of paper, it is important to look at your personal circumstances and make a judment based on your situation rather than what society thinks.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
29 Mar 09
You raise a good point about not worrying about a piece of paper or what society thinks. Some people still do, I know people to whom weren't married when they had children and they're children turned out fine... I appreciate the response.
@checapricorn (16066)
• United States
24 Mar 09
[i]Hi SomeCowgirl, I will just sum up all your inquiries in one paragraph...I always love the idea of having children after marriage growing up with a conservative parents but I am not against for those people who have their kids prior wedding, have even few friends who was in the said situation and now they are all happy... I am in my 30's and I know it's right time for me to have kids but since I am new here (USA), I have to wait and be stable again with my career, hubby is very supportive also in that issue, though I know we can afford to have one but it will divide my attentions and all...We are living far from my in laws and will only see them once a month![/i]
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
26 Mar 09
Yes with you just recently moving to the United States establishing your career will be better, even though with the recession it's hard to find work. I appreciate the response!. I'm sorry it took so long to respond, been playing a video game!
@KrauseHome (35526)
• United States
24 Mar 09
Well, since I started attending Church I have been one who had to get Married before ever considering anything else in life. But I can admit that before I got into Church I would have had kids outside of Marriage. The good thing is since I no longer talk to any of these men, and have not done so since I broke up with them, it is Good that I had the miscarriages. Personally I think it is Best that more people wait until after Marriage to have kids, as that should be the Best way but I guess it is a matter of choice as well.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
28 Mar 09
Church can be a good influence on people, and more people should go to chruch! I don't go to church, but I do receive daily devotionals and read the bible. I hope to start going regularly with my fiance before we have children! I was never forced to go as a child. Yes it is a matter of choice whether to wait or not and I guess it all depends on whether it was planned or not, and how easily a person can slide into being a parent! I appreciate the response, sorry it took so long for me to respond!
• United States
23 Mar 09
1. Yes, I waited to get married before having children. 2. Somewhat, we could afford to rent a house and give the child a place to grow up in. 3. Everyone does struggle after having children, unless you are independently wealthy. It is very hard to not be prepared financially especially when your child needs special help or want to go to college, etc. 4. Everyone struggles to be a good parent. 5. Yes, we had to live with my mother during part of our child rearing. IT REALLLLLLYYYYYY WAS NOT GOOD.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
28 Mar 09
You've brought up a good point about everyone struggling, I am sure that they do. My fiance and I are not yet prepared, so we're waiting but we're hoping it won't be too much of a struggle to raise children. Lol, I've noticed quite a few are adament about not living with parents while having children, I don't know if I'll be the same but I sure hope not! I appreciate the response.
• India
23 Mar 09
I feel marriage is necessary before having children, to keep the parents in bondage for taking care of the child. Whether it's religion or psychology, our children must get love of both Mother and Father in equal measure as the child is the fruit of both souls in unity and should continue to remain so. For all your queries the answer ought to be yes, happy parenting.
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
28 Mar 09
I think that a lot of people believe in staying together and being married before conceiving. I know that it can be better, but I also know that there are parents out there who are separated but that hasn't caused any psychologically issues with the children. It's all a matter of circumstance, a perfectly normal mother and father relationship could still leave the child confused! Well I appreciate the response, sorry it took so long to get back to you!