mother -sonor husband wife?????????which relationship is more important???????i

@riyasam (16582)
India
April 8, 2009 11:39am CST
i do agree that these relationships cannot be compared and that each has its importance in its own place. but then if and when a problem arises between the mother and the wife,whom should the husband side with??(i am of the opinion that he should side with the wife even if she is wrong and then later explain to her the wrong,afterall he vowed to be with her always.)
11 people like this
19 responses
• United States
8 Apr 09
There has only been one time that my mother in law and I got into it. Hubby didn't know who to side with. When he talked to his dad about being in the middle of the situation, his dad just looked at him and asked, Which woman do you have to live with everyday, and which one do you sleep with at night?I think that just about says it all.
3 people like this
@James72 (26832)
• Australia
8 Apr 09
I don't even feel the need to respond now as I feel this summed it up perfectly. That was solid advice if you ask me! It's also the end of one phase and the beginning of another when we leave home and start a new life with our partner, so in my opinion, the Wife comes first and foremost within reason.
3 people like this
@riyasam (16582)
• India
8 Apr 09
wow!!i really wish,i had a father-in-law like you.(mine is just the opposite)sigh!!
2 people like this
• United States
8 Apr 09
I agree, I should ALWAYS come first. *L* Just kidding. But, I do think it should be a two way street.
2 people like this
@mimpi1911 (25455)
• India
10 Apr 09
This is a tough one but I know the answer. Its not about taking sides but about understanding the situation from third person's point of view. The ma every right to protest and reason with his wife for whatever she does and she doesn't but at the end of the day he must realize that his wife has left her family to come and live with him with the conviction that she would be taken care of. You would be surprised to know that in a recent survey that we have been doing, we found that a vast majority of the problem is because of the mother-in-laws!! It's a disheartening case of saas-bahu feud where in most cases the sons take sides of their mothers!!
3 people like this
@riyasam (16582)
• India
10 Apr 09
i do agree with what you say.i thinks the man owes it to his wife,she has left her previous identity to be with him,i dont mean he should be in anyway bedisrespectful of her but but she should understand that her son is somebody elses.
1 person likes this
@mimpi1911 (25455)
• India
10 Apr 09
Yes, a lot depends on the man on how it tackles it. He must be respectful and convincing and in most cases by being thus he can strike the right kinda balance. He must know when to reason with his mother or wife and how. It's tough jib for them!
3 people like this
@sharra1 (6344)
• Australia
13 Apr 09
Well we do have nuclear families in my country and we still have mother in law problems. It all comes down to the woman wanting power in the family and getting it any way she can. I have seen mothers try to cause problems just to force position in the family and make the husband choose between them and that is in a family where they do not live together. Some people can be just nasty and controlling. I think the husband should support his wife and sort out the problem. Why bother marrying if he is not going to support his wife and care for her. It also reinforces a very nasty situation that means that his wife may well use her power over her sons to gain power in the family. It is a nasty cycle that never ends and is common in patriarchal cultures. It also needs men to have the courage to stand up for what they believe. If the husband really prefers his mother then he has a bad marriage that will only get worse.
1 person likes this
@sharra1 (6344)
• Australia
13 Apr 09
Well this is a tricky one and I think it depends on the cause of the fight. Mothers should not interfere between husband and wife and wives should not interfere between mothers and sons. They are both important relationships but a husband should never let a marriage die because his mother does not like his wife. I have seen this happen in cases where the mother wanted to control her sons life and it ruined everything. If the problem is between the mother and the wife then the husband should side with this wife. If she is wrong then it can be worked out when everyone is calmer but what does he do if the mother is deliberately causing trouble. After all he has to live with his wife not his mother.
@riyasam (16582)
• India
13 Apr 09
i do agree,sharra ,its a new life wih the wife but mothers cant bear the thought of losing control over her son,hence the conflict.
1 person likes this
@sharra1 (6344)
• Australia
13 Apr 09
That is the problem and it is partly the fault of the society that devalues women. They are forced to identify with their sons and live through them since they are so often denied a life of their own. My mother was the same and ours was a nuclear family but she had a mother in law who did not like her. They did not live in the same house but she was a stranger in Australia as all her family were in England. So she had no one to support her and her husbands family made it known that they did not know why he had married a foreigner. Funny for an Australian to call an Englishwoman a foreigner but Australia of the 1940's was like that.
2 people like this
• India
12 Apr 09
Hello my friend riyasam Ji, I may slightly differ on your ways. Let's examine the issue scientifically. Let's find out from the grass-root. From where wife came. ;Wife' came after marriage of son, then from where 'son' came. Son was born to mother, who was absolutely wife of some one. So root cause is mother. As you explained wife could be explained her mistakes at later stage by husband, wht not same rule applies to mother. As wife would be much youngers to mothers in age and more understandable comparing mother. I think 'Mothetr' is a supreme and above all. Who is also not supposed to go wrong. May God bless you and have a great time.
@riyasam (16582)
• India
12 Apr 09
MOTHER is also an human being,she can err (when this relationship is considered),i dont understand why daughter-in-laws have to be understanding all the time!!!and husbands spent majority of time with wife and kids,where does he get the time for making his mother understand and a mother will never understand as she would think of her son as a child,so she is bound to know more thanhim!
1 person likes this
• India
14 Apr 09
Hello my friend riyasam Ji, For understanding each other, one and all have to be open minded. Let's not blame any relations for that matter. Why I give preference to mothers, as tehy are the root cause. Everything comes with little and more understanding, by little bit sacrifice. Why at all these joint-family system has erroded and now family (husband/wife/children) is limited to bare minimum. I think, it is due to self concentration of thoughts. A deep thinking is required to understand relations. May God bless you and have a great time.
2 people like this
@happy2009 (330)
• China
9 Apr 09
I have the same issue ,but I think we do not like to make husbands stand at this position and to face this choice, it'll make him galling and if your husband is a resposible man ,he'll feel difficult to choose,and most of him will stand at his mother.so we just can control ourselves and to get along well with his mother though is an uneasy thing ,he can't choose his mother but wife .so If you love your lover also accept his parents.
2 people like this
@riyasam (16582)
• India
9 Apr 09
i do agree to what you say but doesnt that sane rule apply for mother-in-law that if she loves her son,she should accept me as i am.
• China
9 Apr 09
Yes ,I agree with you ,if the mother-in low can't accept you and always make you galling that's her wrong.my mother-in low always splurge her son in front of me and never say any good of me ,it seems that I married her son is a very celebrated things.that's make me feel bad of her.but I never told it to her through i want to say,bucause I don't want quarrel with anyone in the family .maybe that's the chinese way ,I like the westen way which I kenw,the parents not live with the married son or duaghter. if that the youngr will have their own space,and will be more freely
2 people like this
@iskayz (5424)
• Philippines
9 Apr 09
Hmm... Typical problems between husbands & wives and in-laws hehe.. I am the opposite, if I were the husband I would side to who ever is right. Even if it's going to be my mom and I will hurt my wife. I will just explain to her where she went wrong later. Siding with my mom doesn't mean that I am not with my wife or I am against her. It doesn't mean too that the vows we made are broken or anything like that. My decisions will just be based on what the situation calls for. Ciao!
@riyasam (16582)
• India
9 Apr 09
thanks for sharing ,but in most cases the wives do feel cheated as the husband doesnt explain later on and gives the impression that his mother is his first preference and he wants his wife only as a maid with some privilages.
2 people like this
@iskayz (5424)
• Philippines
9 Apr 09
Not only wives will feel cheated but they'll think that their hubbies are mamas boys, you know.. Well explanations and talking things over is the solution if things gets complicated between husbands and wives. Or better yet, live separately from the in-laws hehe. Happy posting!
1 person likes this
@Sreekala (18781)
• India
9 Apr 09
Hi Riya, I am sorry, this time I can’t agree with you. If am in the son’s position, I will analyze it my own and find out who is right and who is wrong and definitely I would take part with right people. A mother –son/daughter relation is always great but it does not mean that wife is less important. For a son both are important and if the mother is wise she may help her son because she must be matured by age and experience. But the son’s position is always questioned either by wife or by mother and I think it is the duty of the wife to do justice to the mother-in-law and if she can support her husband then there is no problem may arise.
2 people like this
@riyasam (16582)
• India
9 Apr 09
hi sree,(theres no need to be sorry,i love healthy discussions)it all depends on the wisdom of the women,they can either build their homes or can tear it down.
2 people like this
@Sreekala (18781)
• India
9 Apr 09
Hi Riya, you are so nice and thank you for the same. Personally I am proud of my Mother-in-law, she is really broad minded and nice, may be that is why she got four caring daughter-in-laws (lol)
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (54604)
• Delhi, India
9 Apr 09
Hi! Riya! For a husband both his mother and wife are equally important. It will be unfair for him to take side either with his mother or wife. If he takes side with his mother and favours his mother's opinion, his wife will get annoyed and if he takes side with his wife, his mother may think - [i]"Look, I spent my whole life to bring my son up and instead of respecting me, he is taking side with his wife, who is new to this house in my comparison"[/i. A husband's position remains like a tongue between two layers of teeth (upper and lower rows) and he is likely to be beaten by either of the two rows of teeth and sometimes by both. Please try to understand the situation from a 'husband's point of view, he just cannot displease either of the two. He needs to maintain a fine balance between her mother and wife and if he is supposed to take side of either of the two, he should use all his widom and experience to tackle the situation. You are a wife, therefore, you are right in your opinion that a husband should take wife's side at the first instance. However, when one day, you yourself will become a mother-in-law, your opinion might change and you may expect your son to take your side. Quite an interesting discussion in which you may get different opinions.
@riyasam (16582)
• India
9 Apr 09
hi deepak ,though i do agree with you that the mother deserves the respect of his son,it doesnt mean that he has to put his wife down infront of his mother(just because she has bought him up with all the sacrifices.did not the wifes mother bring her up with the same sacrifices,even then she leaves her mothers home for her husband???
2 people like this
@dpk262006 (54604)
• Delhi, India
9 Apr 09
I agree with you and I support your view that a husband should not show disrespect towards his wife, in front of his mother and also should not show disrespect towards his mother in front of his wife. He needs to maintain a fine balance between the two and the one who knows how to maintain the balance, probably lives happily.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20248)
• United States
8 Apr 09
When a couple leave their family and take each other in marriage loyalty should go first to the marriage. There are many conflicts between wife and mother, a smart man handles just as you stated, supports his wife and discuss the situation in private. It might be a little chancy to tell her, she's wrong, be careful doing that.
@riyasam (16582)
• India
9 Apr 09
yeah but the woman must also know when to be silent and not aggravate the situation.it wont be too long before she finds herself in her mother-in-laws shoes.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20248)
• United States
9 Apr 09
Good point, i hope i am a good mother in law
1 person likes this
@bbsr13 (4199)
• India
8 Apr 09
Hello! Though it is a difficult question to answer I must go with my wife in case a rift arises between my mother and wife because I will have to live with her for the whole life.She is my life partner and my mother has done her duty for me for which of course I shall take adequate care of her.But not at the cost of my future life.I must sacrifice my love to my mother for the sake of my love for my wife.In such case the relationship of husband-wife prevails.thanx.
2 people like this
@riyasam (16582)
• India
9 Apr 09
thanks for sharing.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Apr 09
life is such a wonderful thing the important role in this earth is a wife since it creats a new life through the bossom of the women and also it molds us and chracterized us throu the moral values that our mother teach us to do things in the right way.. i think that a lot...
2 people like this
@jordan04n (463)
• United States
16 Apr 09
This is the order....God, husband or wife, child, country.......mother is just before counry....got it ....it is Bibical....This isn't hard....you took vows and not with your mom....sorry....just love her in her order......
2 people like this
@riyasam (16582)
• India
16 Apr 09
thats some great information,ca you give the reference???
@winterose (39931)
• Canada
13 Apr 09
in our culture once you marry you become independent of your parents, you life is with your wife and therefore your most important relationship must be with your wife and mother of your child. When parents interfere it causes lots of problems sometimes leading to divorce.
2 people like this
@riyasam (16582)
• India
13 Apr 09
oh/it is so different from ours,mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws co-exist in the same house,but now the concept of nuclear family is gaining importance mainly due to this problem.
@Bebs08 (10691)
• United States
9 Apr 09
Both relationships are important. It is good to settle the matter for both. If I have to decide, I will not choose any of the two because bot of them are important. I have to exert effort that everything will be fine with the mother and the partner.It takes patience and understanding to stand our ground but you will never have peace if you choose one of them, it must be both of them. So things must be settled.
@riyasam (16582)
• India
10 Apr 09
i do agree that it causes great trauma to the husband if there is a conflict between the mother and the wife.yes,it does require a lot of patience on the part of the husband,as conflicts are bound to arise if there are two women in the same house.
@violeta_va (4842)
• Australia
9 Apr 09
I dont think I should come first as a mother or as a wife. I think that my son (as a mother) or my husband (as a wife) should side with the one that is right or stay out of it. My mother in law lives on another continent so we dont see much of each other. We have had few disagrements but its mainly small things nothing that anyone had to step in. She is 68 years old I am 28 she comes from a very small town I come from a very large town. She is somewhat traditional so am I but I mix modern and traditional and make adjustments. That is where things get out of hand with us. And my husband explains things to her and that it is (or to me). I would hate to think that he is suporting me just because he has to share bed with me. After all she gave birth to him and has every right to be involved (to a point) in his life.
2 people like this
@riyasam (16582)
• India
9 Apr 09
everyone has to make adjustments,the problem arises when the adjustments are made by the wife alone.we have to stay with our in-laws,so there is constant interaction with them.
• India
9 Apr 09
Yes, husband should always side for the wife though in our Indian family scenario, it is quite difficult. Even if the mother is not an absolute tyrant, she often misunderstands her son’s devotion towards herself if he sides with his wife. Understanding from a mother’s point of view (esp. Indian mothers) it is no less of a grand betrayal if the son on whom she has spent everything, suddenly ‘changes’ post marriage. Its all a lot of immaturity of both sides and a feeling of insecurity also creeps in as many old parents or widowed mothers are financially dependent on their sons. Personally, my husband has always been by my side and when my son grows up and marries, I will understand that his wife would and should be his priority in life from then on and NOT his mother/parents.
2 people like this
@riyasam (16582)
• India
9 Apr 09
sudipta,i am so glad to hear that you have the same opinion as me.ofcourse i didnot mean he should be dis resoectful of his mother but his wife should remain his top priority,a wife should not take advantage of this and should avoid creating problems between mother and son.
1 person likes this
@carpenter5 (6786)
• United States
8 Apr 09
I am Christian. My bible that I read tells me that a man should leave his mother and cling to his wife. My husband has never taken his mother's side against me. I will never take my mother's side against my husband. I love my mother and I respect her, but I am married to Mike, and I honor the vows we took. Now, that being said. I also think it depends on the circumstances. My husband has never done anything to dishonor my mother, so I've never really been put in that particular situation. But, I do believe that communication is the key here!
2 people like this
@riyasam (16582)
• India
9 Apr 09
very good points.i think i also read the same bible as you.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40326)
• Canada
8 Apr 09
A husband should always stick with his wife and a wife should always stick with her husband. Then they can change their mind if one of them is wrong, but then it will be that they thought about it some more, and it is not that mother said so. If one always sides with his mother, then if the wife agrees, the mother-in-law will have that "see you are as smart as me," or if the wife changed her mind and agreed, the mother=in-law wlll take credit and the wife will not feel that good. So it is easier for husbands and wives to go along with each other, and then if one decides he or she is wrong, it is their decision and no one else's.
@riyasam (16582)
• India
9 Apr 09
thanks for sharing.i also think along similar lines but here we have to compromise on many issues as we to stay with our in-laws(to maintain peace of the family)
1 person likes this
@mayka123 (9549)
• India
9 Apr 09
I would not agree that the husband has to side the wife if she is wrong. Depending on the situation and depending on who is right or wrong the husband has to make decisions in the matter. May be because I have never been in this situation that is why you may say it is easier for me to say so. In my case it was my mom-in-law and me versus my hubby!!!! And my mom and hubby versus me.
1 person likes this
@riyasam (16582)
• India
9 Apr 09
oh,thats a perfect situation but in my in-laws place it is not so,whether i am right or wrong my mother-in-law rules.
1 person likes this
@mayka123 (9549)
• India
10 Apr 09
This does happen in many homes. In such a situation I think both the son and daughter in law have to come into some understanding as to how to tackle the situation peacefully in such a manner that everyone is happy!!!
• Canada
26 Sep 09
I am with you on this one. If the spouse turns out to be wrong, they should discuss it in private. I think it is the duty of both spouses to defend eachother because, as you said, they vowed to stick together as one. They are also adults, separate from parents, no longer joined at the apron strings.
@riyasam (16582)
• India
26 Sep 09
THERE IS A TIME TO CUT THE UMBLICAL CORD,HOPE EVERYONE REALISES THIS.