How do you feel about "every once in a while friends"?

United States
April 8, 2009 3:17pm CST
I was inspired to start a discussion based off of a blog that I wrote on myspace. It's about best friends, and "every once in a while friends" as I like to call them. I've spent my whole life not making many friends. But now, at 24 years old, and a stay at home mom, I find myself feeling lonely and in need of friendship more than ever. I look around me and see my buddies texting their best friends 24/7, or calling them just to chat, going over to visit them. I want that so badly. I hate being the friend that people just check in on every now and then, maybe send a comment and say "hey how's it going" but when I respond back to them to try and spark up a conversation they're too busy to reply back. I hate being the one that people will invite to a party just so they can have extra bodies there, and when you get there you just kind of get shoved in the corner. Or maybe someone that calls you out of the blue after weeks of not talking just to cry to you about either how bad their life is, or to brag about how great everything is going, but when it's time for you to talk they have to get going. I'm not an outgoing person by any means, but I've tried very hard to get close to people I feel I have something in common with and it never seems to work out. I want to see how many of you out there seem to go through the same thing I do, and how you feel about having those "every once in a while friends".
4 people like this
13 responses
@HansonFan (1659)
• United States
8 Apr 09
I know just how you feel. I am 21 and in the middle of college. Everyone says that college is the best time of your life...its been my worst. I came here with 2 best friends who did everything with me. They both changed schools, and one has practically disappeared. I made some new friends who do nothing but stab me in the back so I dropped them. I have a friend who has just recently started hanging out with me after ditching me for someone else. I feel like the friend that is only talked to when everyone else doesn't want to hang out. Its annoying but I have become a hermit in my room and crave human interaction. Its a horrible time in my life, but Im glad its almost over.
• United States
8 Apr 09
I'm so sorry that you've been so lonely! I don't really have any good advice, I just feel sad that you feel so alone. I had trouble like yours when I was much younger, I decided to be my own best friend. Funny, once people see that you do FINE without them, they wanna hang out with you.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Apr 09
that's very true, people think you don't need them so they crave the attention even more, that's happening with someone I know right now, she became friends with someone else and started talking to them, and her previous friend (that had done nothing but brag and whine to her) started texting her all the time for attention
2 people like this
• United States
8 Apr 09
It works the same in dating too, the guy you're obsessed with will walk all over you and blow you off, but the minute you wake up and realize you don't need him or his crap, he can't get enough of you.
1 person likes this
@cobra1368 (704)
• United States
9 Apr 09
I am with a lot of the other people who posted. I don't have many friends right now either. I did at certain points in my life, but I was never one to have a ton of "fair weather" friends. I hated those people. I can count my true friends on one hand. But they are die-hard friends. Right now, I live in Atlanta, and none of my friends live in the same state. My husband is always gone on business, and we have no children yet, so I get really lonely as well. I have joined a few meetup groups, which has been fun, but I haven't met any people that have rocked my world friend-wise yet.
@vzihan (145)
• China
9 Apr 09
I am the same kind of person as you.In my opinion,it does not matter that how many friends I have.If I can have several real friends whose friendship can go on without disappearing in my whole life,it will be perfect.Sometimes I think I just know some guys and I know their name,it is just so,and that is similar with a smiling from a stranger on the street.I am a conserved one and I think much of the relation with my close friends;it is important part of my life.
2 people like this
@Dugsmom (279)
• United States
9 Apr 09
Being a stay at home mom does that to you! I have been a stay at home mom for 11 years and I have totally lost myself!I do not like the every once in a while friends...they aren't friends. I like to call them acqutainces (spelling???). I do have a few very good friends but we have moved so much so they are all over the US! We call and email each other often but I miss having someone here to talk to...in person! We just moved again so I am starting all over. I am just going to join some groups...like reading groups to meet other women. My son is 11 now so it's harder to meet other moms. It used to be so easy before but it's different now that he's a big boy.
2 people like this
• United States
9 Apr 09
I know exactly how u feel, as we get out of high school we all start drifting apart and go our own way. For a while there when I moved to Texas with husband and strarted my family there, I had no friends there and believe me they didn't make it easy either, espeically being from California. I lived there for 20 years and it took a long time to make friends but finally when I did I felt so much better. But, getting there I had to stand my grounds, say what was on my mind and communication is number one to do, be up front and take no bull. Give ur self credit and be more aggressive and speak up to the "every once in a while friends." Friends will start thinking twice before calling and chatting just about them, or how good or bad they have it.
1 person likes this
@busyB4 (875)
• United States
9 Apr 09
I am sorry to hear you feel lonely, I can so relate though. I long for the friendships like that also, but its just not happening. I am a caregiver for a sick family member and people avoid that like the plague alot of the time, so they back way off and it does leave you feeling all alone. Im in my 50s so it is not just when you are young and have kids underfoot. Most my age are busy with their spouses and dreaming of retirement and all the trips and things they plan to do, so what we have in common is not the same now. Do your kids have friends to play with during the day or all the moms around you at work? I think that is alot of it when you are a stay at home mom. Ashamed you can find a friend with children near your age that you could all do things together like picnincs in the park, etc.. Sometimes we just have to reach out on a limb ourselves to be a friend in order to make new ones! I actually had a best friend that our kids grew up together and such and when we moved we parted ways, so she became the once in a while I'll call type friend and then we just grew apart. I would try to rekindle the friendship some and she would tell me she didn't have time . Then she retired and so I thought now we have time and she basically brushed me off so we have no contact now. It didnt seem worth the feeling I would get trying to keep a friensdhip with no more value to her than that. This too happened after my family member got sick, so I felt that was a good part of it.
• United States
8 Apr 09
I'm sorry that you are so sad and lonely. You are still young, and I guess probably a lot of friends your age aren't busy with their own kids, and probably spend more time running around in a way that you as a mom are unable to do now. I suffered similarly in my late 20s-early 30s but it was because pretty much all my friends had kids while I did not so they had no time for me, other than to say hi once in a wile. I'm a mom now, so now I'm back in the loop with some folks, but I'm busy now too, with my own family. I live far away from all the people I used to know, so it gets lonely for me sometimes too, mylot has been great for me in terms of making friends that I can talk with every day. 24/7 no matter what, I can find a mylot friend to talk with. It seems silly that my "virtual" friends would mean so much, but there are some really awesome people here, and their friendships mean the world to me.
1 person likes this
@csrobins (1125)
• United States
8 Apr 09
It doesn't get much better after you leave college either. I have two friends from high school I rarely see and a few from college who have moved away and are getting married and stuff. It's really really hard to make new friends and it's hard being the one who is everyone's friend but no one's close friend. It sucks.
2 people like this
• China
9 Apr 09
This problem is we can feel everyday but veryyy little of person want to say it.Even the party queen would find this puzzled qustion,the person like that is existence everywhere ,not only in your country,but i mean any community.so i have a lot of friends,and i enjoy the time with them,and we have some topics in common,but the real-hearted friends is rarely.Only two or three,even if we depart from many days,we still have sth in common inside heart.This friends can not compare with those so-called friends. After all,these person are not so bothering,sometimes they are funny.so accept their invitation is not a bad idea:)
1 person likes this
@happy2009 (330)
• China
9 Apr 09
I have the seem felling of you. and I also a mom now ,when I was a student ,I have many good friends ,but ,when out of college,all of us goes their own ways ,but we contact with phones ,as the time gone ,the times we contacts was get less and less ,now ,most of us are married ,It seems that we are so busy and have no time to concern each oher now ,and even no new years complimentes .luckly ,I still have two good old firends ,though ,we are far from each other . I wannto see them ,but I have no time ,I have a little son to feed ,but when I feel lonely ,I'll make call to them,I heat to be a once in a while friend,so ,i always refuse all the "look-like" friends .I think the true friend is the friend in heart who can share all the happiness and unhappiness with you .
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Apr 09
I can definately relate. My circumstances are that I'm in graduate school and staying at home for now while my children are little. I've a 2 1/2 year old and an almost 7 month old. Most of my friendships come online, though I've a few local. It seems I tend to attract the types that want me to do all the work, who aren't really around when I need them, but want me around when they need me. It can be very frustrating indeed. Though, I do have those wonderful friends on the other side who give to me quite a bit and that I communicate with daily. If I miss a day they are frantically leaving notes asking where I am, etc. I had several messages recently on another site because I had a two day hospital stay and didn't check in. It was a good feeling to know that I had enough close friends to care enough to check in on me. So, to the "every once in a while friends", well I just take them with a grain of salt. Meaning, I don't take it too much to heart. They very well may have issues going on. I have one that isn't around much because of their degree program but I get messages every now and then that say how thankful they are that I still check in with them. So, you know, keep checking in with those friends. You just might be what is getting them through. Namaste-Anora
1 person likes this
@miamilady (4924)
• United States
9 Apr 09
I've been on both sides of that coin! I tend to be more of an "every once in a while friend" a lot lately. I just have to much stuff going on in my life to be able to be a good friend to anyone who needs more than someone who can do a quick "hey how's it going". I've also been the one at parties who get shoved off in a corner. It's not a good feeling I know that. It's nice to have friends, but it's also a lot of work. Yeah, sometimes being a friend means listeing to all their problems. And it's not fair when they don't want to reciprocate. Personally, I don't like sharing my problems much anyways, because it's been my experience that when I do that, the person listening either wants to judge me or give me advice. sometimes I'm not looking for advice. I know what I need to do, I just need to vent once in a while. yanno?
1 person likes this
@katkat (2379)
• Philippines
9 Apr 09
I can say that we're in the same boat. I have real friends but since they've been very busy we seldom see each other. But there are some who stay connected via online. I know you've got a lot to say like good advice or even share your problems. The point is we have to take a risk, to reach out even though we are often rejected. Try to make some friends. I know its hard but when they felt your sincerity it is hard for them to say no. On the other hand, keep in touch with your old friend. Send them quotations, jokes or tell them your story. Do not give up on them. Later on they will realize how valuable you are. I know you've got a lot to give and a great personality so do not sulk but keep on befriending people.
• United States
8 Apr 09
I think that the cell phone and Internet are partly to blame for this. It is easier than ever to have 'drive-by' relationships via texting, IM, social media and email. These communications give us the illusion that we are maintaining our social lives. In reality, nothing replaces unhurried, in-person conversations. An unintended consequence of cell phones and social networking is that it tends to make us more self-centered. If you are missing that human touch, perhaps you can find a club or organization in your community that has a regular gathering or meeting. This way you can make new face to face friends that you see on a constant basis who share at least one of your interests. If your 'once in a while friends' are hurting your feelings, try doing a communication blackout. Insist that they at least call you. Drop texting and IMs and make them face you at a human level. Christian M. Archer
• United States
9 Apr 09
I have a lot of "every once in a while friends" because we just graduated last year so I'm still talking to my high school friends. I have only one true best friend and he is 300 miles away from me. I am finally making one friend where I am though. I had to move after we graduated so that doesn't help. Good luck making friends and I'd say, try to get a response out of one of your "every once in a while friends" because they sometimes are the perfect prospect for best friends.
• United States
9 Apr 09
It sounds like you are lonely. If a person has one best friend in their life they are lucky. People are just the way of what is good for them. Not in all cases but in many cases. The best a person can do is be themselves and let nature take it's course. I feel sad that you feel this way. I have three best friends who we have kept in contact over the years. We don't just call in the good times but also call each other if something is wrong. I have a lot of every once in a while friends. But I don't worry about them being those kind of friends because my three best friends make up for it one hundred and ten percent.