No One Ever Promised That This Would Be Easy...

United States
April 14, 2009 2:47am CST
...But does it have to be so hard? Hello, everyone! Hope your days are finding you in as good health as ever. Before I get well started on my discussion, just a note to my friends here. My apologies for my lengthy absence; I started back to school, and have been swamped with homework galore on top of my "real" life, and haven't been on as much as I would like. Still won't be on as much as I used to be, but I'll be around some. That said, on to my discussion. As of Easter morning, my husband and I agreed on a separation. I have no idea how this separation will end, be it in reconciliation or divorce. As some of you know, he and I have been having trouble for quite a while, and obviously, it's only gotten worse. I don't especially feel like going into detail, but suffice it to say that "I'm sorry" doesn't always fix a problem. Jewel also probably isn't the wisest of choices for mood music at the moment. I have massive amounts of guilt in my heart and mind, but along with that, I also know that it takes two to tango, and it isn't all the fault of either of us. I don't know what to say or do. The state of cleanliness (or lack of) of our home has always been our biggest point of contention, and the more he gripes, the less I want to do. I busted my rear cleaning today like I haven't done since we got together, so that there would be some semblance of order when he came to pick up some of his clothes. He never even noticed, only screamed that I had done, been, and said too little, too late. I don't even know if I'm ready to try again or give up right now. Any ideas, anyone?
1 person likes this
7 responses
@kaleem_jr (106)
• Pakistan
1 May 09
Strike an averge what a worman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him year afterwards and you'll have the truth about him. H.L. Mencken. I always study these things b'coz they let you know hard experiences of folk who went all through these circumstances. This way making a decisions becomes easy. I have also read "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times with the same person."
• United States
1 May 09
Ain't that the truth, Honey. Love is very much a choice. I chose to fall in love with him 5 years ago, and I choose to stay in love with him now. If you like to study love relationships, you should read a book called The Love Dare. It's based on a movie called Fireproof. The Love Dare is kind of like a workbook, but it's an interesting read as well. Keep in mind, they're both taken from the Christian viewpoint, so if that offends you, nevermind. I love your quotations.
@p1kef1sh (45647)
18 Apr 09
I'm sorry to read of your problems. I don't have any answers - The Boss is the boss here and what she says goes. We both like it that way (although she might disagree completely with my description). However, I miss seeing you about and just wanted to say "hello" really.
• United States
1 May 09
Hello, dear! I've missed you as well! Now if only my husband would realize I'm the boss and just do what I say, our lives would be much easier! Ok, just kidding really. I hate ├╝ber-feminists just as much as male chauvinists. I only want an equally yoked partnership, and we're working on it. We decided to give it another chance the Friday after Easter, and every day is a struggle. But here I am, still carrying onward. And upward, in time. Things have to get better, and they are!
@laglen (19783)
• United States
14 Apr 09
I am very sorry to hear. My advice, for what it's worth, take the separation as a time to work on you. Not to make him happy but to make you happy. Concentrate on school, learn to cook new foods, take a fun class like dance or basket weaving what ever might make you happy. These kind of problems take a toll physically and mentally that you really should address. If your not ok, it will never work. If and when you do see him, I would keep it very limited, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Good luck to you.
• United States
15 Apr 09
I could do basketweaving. Or find a new tango partner in a dance class. It's only been 3 days, and I miss him like crazy. But I finally got some sleep last night, thanks to a lovely blue pill, and I feel better today. As much as ithurts, it's for the best right now. And if the time comes, I CAN and will move on without him if I have to. Thank you so much for your advice. I'll keep it in mind.
• United States
18 Apr 09
Alright, I came back just for this. First off, you know how I felt about this from the beginning. Secondly, I agree with your sister. I know I've said countless times that you "work" just as much as he does. P. is a job in himself, as much as I love him. He's always into any and everything. But he's a good child, and it won't take much for him to learn how to clean up his own messes. In my opinion, P. is the only one you should have to pick up after. J. and his son are just lazy and spoiled. The two of them are more than capable of rinsing dishes and putting them in the dishwasher, putting dirty clothes in the hamper , etc. I mean, honestly-- did you wear their clothes and eat off their dishes too? You are not a maid, and everybody needs to work together. On top of that, you're now in school. I'm a full-time student *without* a baby and can barely keep up with life most days. You're doing something to better yourself, and I am beyond proud of you. As my bestie, I've wanted nothing more than for you to be independent, and be your own woman. I'm not saying that I wanted things to go wrong with J, I've been there trying to help you. But I wanted you to be ok in case things did go south. His irrationality has always been his downfall (along with his reluctance to accept any responsibility for much of anything). If he will go to counseling and honestly work on the relationship, then maybe y'all can try again. But has to *want* to work on it. Otherwise, it seems as though it's time to let it go. Call me if you need me.
@Darkwing (21590)
14 Apr 09
Oh my... I didn't know you were still going through all this cr*p, my friend. Is it still related to the son, or did that one pass? It seems to me that your husband has made up his mind to move on, for whatever reason, and it would appear there's no bending or middle ground with him, which would tell me that there's more reason to this than meets the eye. There's something beneath the surface of it all, I fear. Let's face it, it's not easy going back to school and running the home as well, so I would have thought he could have been a little more lenient with you there. As you say, it takes two to tango, and if he cleared up the mess he made, whilst you cleared up yours, then life would be simpler and more happy with the sharing of resposibilities. I really do think he's being rather selfish, and dogmatic. I'm still always here if you want to talk, my friend, as I told you before. I was a little worried about you as I hadn't seen you for quite a while and I knew you were having trouble with the son causing problems before. Stay strong and proud my friend. I can't help feeling it's not you at fault here... there's something else going on that I can't quite put my finger on. Take care... my Brightest Blessings and Energies are heading their way to you, my friend. I hope everything works out for the best. xx
• United States
14 Apr 09
WOw, sorry to hear of your troubles. While I am just like you(in the not liking to clean) I also see his point. He feels that the only reason you are cleaning is because he left, and him saying you had "done, been, and said too little, too late" definitely showed how he felt. He griped trying to tell you something, and only when he physically left did you do anything so in turn he may feel that you didn't care about your relationship, but only care about him being there. While I am not trying to put you down, this seems to be what I perceive from the situation. There may be more that I don't know, but from what you said, this is how I think he is feeling. As for what to do now, talk to him, explain how you are feeling and keep the house clean long term. He wants to see that you REALLY changed, and not just changed for the time being when he is gone. Maybe ask him to help you a little in keeping up the house. I know for some people that is like pulling teeth, but tell him that if he expects you to keep everything top notch, that he needs to put some effort into it also. I go thru this everyday with my hubby, he wants everything clean and perfect, but won't help and expects me to clean, take care of the 4 kids, work, and do all the household chores like shopping too. I finally got it thru to him though, that I can't do it all in the time frame he is hoping for, so he has to help me out also. He has finally started helping and things seem to be getting better for now.
• Canada
14 Apr 09
whatever happens, i know you'll be ok. you can try forever to make a marriage work, go to marriage councellors even, but if your just not right for eachother there's really nothing you can do about it..you cannot change and you cannot change other people. i think a lot of times after marriage, or even living with your partner for a certain amount of time, you get into the 'comfortable stage'. things aren't as exciting anymore, your not trying to impress your partner anymore, you start to slack off. it's just what happens. everyone needs to know it's a 50/50 relationship that needs work from BOTH sides or it could easily fail. good luck!