my lover my best friend

@Beba25 (39)
United States
April 15, 2009 9:09pm CST
So people in a difrent discussion i told you how my husband cheated on me with 4 other females fell in love with one and everything.i cheated on him back to make him feel the same way i felt and everything..that didnt last long...so please remember me and my HUSBAND have been together for 11 years. now about 3 years ago i met this guy and he happened to be my neighbor and we became good friends now soon after became kind of lovers lol but i honestly think im in love with him...he treats me the way my husband used to treat me. he makes me feel like a woman special shall we say...i dont know...now we havent seen each other since october but we text each other all the time..that is about it...i have tried to fall in love with my husband again but there was to much damage done i cant do it...i love him tho ...and with this guy i dont know what to do now we basicly just best friends i miss the way it used to be the way he treated me making me feel loved special and much more...im between a rock and a hard place because me and this guy can never be anything more then friends..and im married..and honestly i dont see me leaving my husband granted he has cheated with four other females and alot of damage has been done and he is cheating again i think..but its to many years and we have a family...im not braking that up...but i dont know what to do how to feel or anything..im comfused..hurt...tired of the games..im getting to a point in my life that i dont want or need to play anymore games of any kind...we only get older ..and tomorrow is not guaranteed ...so please tell me what is your opinion or what advice you can give....please...thank you
6 people like this
16 responses
@rsa101 (16718)
• Quezon City, Philippines
16 Apr 09
It is hard to comment on your post since it seem both of you are guilty of cheating one another. It would be easier if only one cheats but its both of you. I guess you have to talk things over. What do you both want to happen in your lives. Are both of you willing to just cheat each other? Well I guess you can always have a divorce if you feel there is an irreconcilable differences. You will never feel happy in a relationship that has betrayed you 4x but then you somehow did it in some ways too.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
16 Apr 09
I agree with this opinion. It's better to sort things out. How long would you want to leave it just like this. Speak to your husband and get to know what he wants and make a firm decision. Regards Thanusha
• India
16 Apr 09
agree ur opnion my friendsssssssssssssssss..........
@Beba25 (39)
• United States
16 Apr 09
he tells me the same thing always and does difrent..he tells me he wants me and no one else but he sure as hell does difrent.
@AXLAERO (426)
• Philippines
16 Apr 09
we have the same situation beba25 because i also dont know what to do with my life.my husband is a cheater too but im still here hoping he will change but luckily,he havent chane lol.well seriously,our relationship also have a big damage but since we already have two kids and we are already ten years,i just tried to put all the broken pieces back together.but i noticed that the broken pieces can put back together but not like before thats is clear and neat.i also tried to cheat him before so he will know whats the feeling of being cheated by someone you really love.but it didnt last long because i still love my husband eventhough hes not been a good husband to me.as time goes by,im still hoping for any changes and yes hes already change,but not for the better but for worst.if you have time you can visit my discussion about im fed up.i hope we can make it through this problem and we both move on and have a happy ending with the one who will love us the way we wanted to.
@Beba25 (39)
• United States
16 Apr 09
i really do feel for you and thank you for the comment really....i will defenitly visit your disscussion..it's hard very hard..at the same shot we deserve to be happy..we will make it
• United States
16 Apr 09
I think you really have to stop and ask yourself, "WHY can't I divorce my husband?" It it an emotional burden? Do you not feel "right" doing so? Is it just too complicated? Love needs trust. If you don't trust your husband that he's not cheating on you, I honestly don't think that's a healthy relationship. A positive relationship also thrives on honesty - which instills trust. If he's not being honest, he's not being fair. Cheating is wrong, no matter who it is. If he's done it to you with FOUR other people, he's got some issues. Everyone deserves someone that will treat them right... and date exclusively (given that's what they want). You either need to work things out with your husband or move on from it. You could consider talking to a counselor, too. I know they're scary, and I know it's a hard thought, but counselors can be EXTREMELY helpful in making these kinds of decisions. I really wish you the best of luck. Love is hard, I know, but I really hope you can eventually find who you're meant to be with, and that you can find true inner happiness and love with the person you do find. I hope things get better!
• India
16 Apr 09
lover is the best friend becuse she said shes matters and another
@maiann (29)
• Philippines
16 Apr 09
Maybe you should have a talk to work things out first. I think that you are still in love with him because you dont see yourself leaving him.... maybe when you talk you can discuss with him what you really feel and that you can sort things out and do some changes for the better.... I dont think that cheating on him too will do any good at all especially if you are the girl/lady you will suffer the more serious consequenses rather than the guy/man..... it wont hurt if you try it .....
1 person likes this
@tails88 (135)
• United States
16 Apr 09
wow, what a situation! But i think that this can't last... sooner or later you're going to want to be with someone who you can love. Whether that's a year from now or next week, it'll probably happen. You need to love the one you're married to, and it seems like your husband just made it so you guys can't have a relationship like that again. I don't know how you two act around each other, but there's a good chance that if you dont act like an actual couple, your kids will notice and it might affect them. So you may not want to get divorced now, but if it starts becoming bad between you and your husband, and you're not happy, you have to do what's best for you. Trust me, it's better for a child to have a happy parent than one stuck in a loveless, unhappy marriage. I went through that as a child, and i would've much rather my mother left her husband and been happy than just sticking to it for the sake of "family"
@carrine (2749)
• Philippines
16 Apr 09
sighs! love hurts,. love is unfair.. thats not true love just pray girl that u will find the right man for u and live forever and share your life with him ever!
1 person likes this
@laydee (12813)
• Philippines
16 Apr 09
As they said, 'you can't outdo a mistake by another mistake'. I know there's no consolation to the cheating of your husband, and it came from your own words that you two used to be like that, so what makes you think that the next guy won't do the same thing your husband did to you? People do change over time, and keeping the relationship with this new man won't make your relationship with your husband the same or better. I'm even pushed to say ~ it would have been better if you just left your husband than to live a life of problems with him because both of you are obviously not trying very hard to work on what has changed in both. Remember that it always takes two to tango, ever wondered why he cheated in the first place? Perhaps there's something in you that lacks and you won't admit it? A relationship isn't always a bed of roses but there will never be peace in your household if both stop being a husband or a wife. Try to talk to him, and try to work it out (if you can't do it alone, find a counselor to help) make it the last chance for both of you and if nothing changes or nobody is willing, then just split. 11years is nothing if you are only using that 11years as something to help you stop thinking about separation. That 11years should mean something if both are willing to work and put in an extra mile for the relationship. I have had the chance to talking to married men who find me attractive. I dare not try to lift my chair or anything, but I have had my fair share in those. They kept on telling me how their wives aren't the same woman anymore, they can't seem to communicate with their wives that's why a girlfriend is always best. I always tell them that it's also their problem why their wives are like that. They need to talk to their wives like they talk to girlfriends because in every heart of a woman there will always be a girl in search for love and care, so as in every man there's a boy who wants to be desired and taken cared of. Whew, this comment would be unending, but I have just one question for you, ARE YOU STILL WILLING TO FIX THAT MARRIAGE? or are you just waiting for one of you to die first?
• India
16 Apr 09
most husband have x-girrrrl friends... these actvities r avoid to feell in love somebodeyyyy
1 person likes this
@Beba25 (39)
• United States
16 Apr 09
listen i never did anything wrong i treated him like a king his friends and brother cheat on their wives so there for he did also...he is the type of person that gets influenced by what others do...i am very much willing to work on my marriage but everytime i do or everytime i take one step forword he does something to make me take 4 steps back....
1 person likes this
@laydee (12813)
• Philippines
16 Apr 09
Then why are you still in that marriage? You know he won't change. It's better for kids to see you both doing your own thing and being apathetic about each other then??
@Citychic (4078)
• United States
20 Apr 09
My lover, my best friend. Well it seems that you went after ur neighbor b/c hubby wasn't showing you the attention that you needed from him. Then neighbor starts showering you with affection. One would have to wonder if this was only being done b/c neighbor was coveting something that ur hubby had, which was you......The bible tell us not to covet. So right there the neighbor was wrong and perhaps you too for allowing things to go too far. But I"m not here to judge you, bare in mind. I"m only here to help if possible. Since you say that you will never break up ur marriage. Just tell the neighbor you no longer want to play the games with him anymore. So once you cut that off and get him out of ur life. Then you are free to try to focus more on ur hubby and you two can figure out if you want to try to make it work or not. Ask him if he would be willing to see a councellor. This way you two can learn how to start back communicating with each other and who knows, with continued prayer your marriage may turn out to be good as new again. We all make mistakes in life dear.....You must be forgiving of him for his mistakes and ask him to for you for yours. Wishing you the best of luck........ Peace out.
@Beba25 (39)
• United States
20 Apr 09
oh my God thank you for giving me a human actual response i really apprecciate your comment and thank you very much.. i did stop everything that was going on with my neighbor a while ago. i have been trying to work everything out with my husband all though is hard i have been trying. things are not as bad but they can get better.. we did forgive each other that was easy the part that is hard is letting go..again thank you for your response
@mira91 (987)
• Singapore
17 Apr 09
I'm not gonna say leave him, he's no good, go to someone who loves you because you and your husband was there once, extremelye in love...Where did those feelings go? And if you were to throw 11 years of marriage away and go to someone who does love you, what makes you think that 10 years down the road, it won't end up the same? Soooo, like you, i don't want to be wasting this marriage away...We all have cheated, even not physically, maybe with our eyes and heart. Why don't you just talk to him, or is that even beyond impossible? If you want this to work, talk to him, go for counselling, whatever..If there is no way at all that this could work out then i guess for your own happiness, just leave him, even if you're gettin old, you'd want to spend the remaining time of your life happy no...?
@Missyt (3)
• Canada
16 Apr 09
Do two wrongs make a right? I understand the desire to inflict pain when pain has been inflicted, but does that make it right? You say that your husband cheated...ok, he cheated. So, instead of dealing with the problem head on and either nipping it in the bud or ending the relationship, you chose to go out and "cheated on him back to make him feel the same way"...do you really think that your actions in cheating on the cheater really had any impact on his feelings? If anything, you only validated to him that it was ok to cheat, because you would just even the odds anyway. Now, you say that you have started a relationship with your neighbour, and think that your husband is cheating again...hmmm. Seems to me that family together or not, the two of you are doing more harm to your family and children by carrying on with a charade of marriage in order to please everyone but yourselves. If you are unhappy, then move on. Don't sit in a puddle of misery, hiding your real emotions and smothering your real desires. That isn't helping you, it isn't helping your husband, and it certainly isn't helping your children (unsure if there are children) and family. Sometimes it is better to take your lickins and move onward to happiness, than it is to attempt to pretend just for the sake of appearances.
• United Arab Emirates
16 Apr 09
i am going through a similar phase after ten years of married life, two children and two ocassions on which my husband cheated. although i have not gone for an affair with someone to avenge his unfaithfulness, i have decided to stay in this marriage with the hope that he will come back to me, because deep down he loves us all and is disillusioned and weakened by lust for a much younger woman. this is a very difficlt time and i have support of my friends. i haven't told my family about it as i don't want him to lose respect in their eyes, if this relationship is going to go any further. lets see what happens. but i feel children should not be made t suffer for their parents' wrongdoing, so it is better to forgive and forget and try to make changes in ur own self. no one can hurt u without ur consent.
@born1989 (177)
• India
16 Apr 09
i guess you are too very confused. well i am not that old enough too advice you . but i feel each & every problem can be sorted out by just sitting calmly & having a talk on the same. all the best..don't let your family suffer. in whatever you do please keep in mind your family too...
• India
16 Apr 09
ur husband is good budy in my thinking, these habit r done in most male's... understand both of them .. conclude myself... live in future good ....
• China
16 Apr 09
Sometime love change to another kinds of emothion since time passing by, and you may loose your enthusiasm because you and your husband do almost same thing every day. But when you loose it, you will find so pain you are, because you have already be used to the accompany. Nobody else can give you that passion. On the other hand, that guy have never told you he wants to have the relation beyond a good friend. So, if you choose divorce and tell that guy you are in love with him, what will happen? you may loose your family as wellas a good friend. Take it carefully.
@skysuccess (8881)
• Singapore
16 Apr 09
Beba25, Problem doesn't lie with the people we meet, it rest with the choice we make... from the people we meet. Remembering that the both of you have children looking at how you all are taking marriage in stride and conduct. If the both of you cannot behave and conduct well together as a married couple, then I think divorce would then be a better option than go about in willful errant ways. Take care.
@jbrooks0127 (2326)
• United States
16 Apr 09
I responded to your previous email and the advice I have is still the same. I have been where you are only with fewer complications. My first wife had multiple affairs early in our marriage. I did not learn of them until many years later. It was the most difficult time of my life because we had been married at that time around 30 years. I got past it and we went on. I cam to believe that we would go on to retirement together even though we didn't have the perfect marriage. Well because of life circumstance she found someone else on the internet and I soon found that she planed on moving out. It was still difficult but because of the first time I found it much easier to move on and divorced her. Today she lives alone. What I am trying to say to you is that you may put up with this for now and may continue to overlook this for now but there will come a day when you will no longer be able to and you really don't want to be the age I was when I had to face it. I was 61 and getting ready for retirement. Not at all a good time to be moving on. It turned out well for me as I married again. I lost her after 5 years to a heart attack. But I would do it all over again. Even though you don't have someone to run to you do need to begin to protect yourself. And having affairs in hope it will bring your husband around is more detrimental to you than him. I am sure you found that out. If your husband is not there for you anymore then you must be. Maybe a trial separation might give you the courage you need to make that much needed change. My best to you.