Am I too stupid or What?
By smileonstar
@smileonstar (4007)
United States
April 27, 2009 12:34am CST
This is my first and my last for tonight discussion. As I had posted one topic about money and might be this one is also relate, but it is just a little different.
After my husband doesn't have any work to do, I ended up with all the bills and all the responsibility in the family. Just a while ago, I feel that my husband is soooo selfish with me and I dont know why. He sale stuff on ebay, and he has about over $600. I asked him for some to pay bills, and he said NO. I was like what? then I asked, why? are you saving those for yourself and he said YES.
I just stop asking him any more... I told myself to forget about it and move on. All of his bills, such as credit card, phone and car payment... I pay, but just a couple of hundred dollars to help me out, he can't do it?.
I feel like I am too stupid or something. However, I am not a type of person realized on someone at all... if they say NO, then I will stop asking. But I might not do anymore credit card and phone payment anymore. About car payment, I have to cuz it has my name on it.
So, What do you think and what should I do to make myself not to think about it. I am trying not to think by write this to all read. If you asked me to sit down and talk to him, forget about it... he will never understand cuz I used to try once before and it ends up with no answer.
Please, share some advice that could help me out.
Thank you and have a good night, and I will check back with you tomorrow.
4 people like this
15 responses
@kprofgames (3091)
• United States
27 Apr 09
Okay, just so I understand. Your husband is laid off from his job and you are the only person working in your household. There are bills in his name only that you are paying for him. But, he's selling things - earning money and is still making you pay all his bills?
If this is the case, the stop paying on them. If this goes into collections, of course you are responsible because you are a spouse, but maybe he'll get the hint if you leave them for him to take care of.
I think it is very unfair for him to do this. You are supposed to be a married couple. You aren't his own personal work horse. Best of luck with this.
2 people like this
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
27 Apr 09
you are right? everything you said is happening to me. I have nothing to say about this and I am so upset, but I can't do anything beside talking to all of you here. I am appreciate so much for all the care and advice. I dont know what he is thinking. I am so tired of this problem. I will do what you say. and thanks again.
@yuguoli (83)
• China
27 Apr 09
You are like, what, 15? Yes, to be straight with you, you are stupid. Guess this direct reply won't be offensive. And next will be some suggestions that might be the help for you. You said you hubby didn't give you the money for the shared bill, right. And he just simply said no. Sorry for that kind of guy. Amazingly, you even stop asking. I might say, it's silly enough. Well, personally I guess you should keep 'annoying' him. You know, you are couple. Remember you vows when in the church? Couples are sharing what they have. He don't talk to you then, you just pay for all your own bills. As for your car, since your name's on it, then you don't give it to your hubby. There's no way just to STOP thinking about it, you have to face it and resolve it. Don't be so weak to your hubby, show your strong face. Compromise is not LOVE. Always remember this. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
27 Apr 09
Hi, you are right. I am stupid but with 25 years old stupid, not 15. I don't think he remember what he said to me and I dont think he still realized what he has done either. House, cars, everything in the house and personal own are under my name. He barely have thing that under his name, so I dont know why he does that for. I used to bother him about this before but the answer just meanless and nothing more than "Later, I will give you" or "not much" or "not yet". You know, whenever I walk by while he uses computer and it comes to paypal, he just scroll down by hiding the amount of money he has. I am so stupid... I just want to go away from him.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
27 Apr 09
Thanks again, you know what I am in this family? I am the mother of these 3 (2 of my daughters and him) i have to provide them with food, and everything they want. I go out to work like slave and come home, cook for children and clean the house, plus solve all the problem. What else that I can't do? man work? believe me I can do it all. Does he care? NOOOO... I dont want leave him either, but I used to ask him to leave me but he didn't do so. I feel like, I am so scare of guy... I am not saying they are all bad but this is one I have here... 
all, i can do is give him what he has now and i keep what i have. pretend that I dont know anything about this and move on. Say or not say is still the same to me, cuz nothing will change. I know it is hard but I have to control myself not to overwhelm about thing happen around me. The most thing I care are my 2 children.
all, i can do is give him what he has now and i keep what i have. pretend that I dont know anything about this and move on. Say or not say is still the same to me, cuz nothing will change. I know it is hard but I have to control myself not to overwhelm about thing happen around me. The most thing I care are my 2 children.
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
28 Apr 09
I feel for you so much smileonstar. Did someone else mention deadbeat? If not I will, he sounds like one. Sorry but a man that will not share with his wife and is intent on making her life harder is a deadbeat! I was under the impression that getting married was supposed to make your life better not more difficult!
What would I do? You have the advantage that you already have a job so what I would do is stop paying his bills immediately, save the money that would be going to the bills, take your time, plan things out carefully, wait until he's out, pack your bags, take the children and leave.
I normally tell people that before leaving a marriage one should leave no stone unturned and try all that is humanly possible before calling it quits but from what you say, you have done nothing but love him and support him and the kids.
Now it's your turn to reclaim your power and show him that you don't need him, he sounds like a burden to me. If you are going to work this hard do it for yourself and your kids not to support him; that way at the end of each day you will be tired but you will feel proud of yourself and bear no resentment.
Thinking of you dear.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
28 Apr 09
P.S. You are not stupid, just too kind!
1 person likes this
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
8 May 09
Thx for your kindness. I feel so comfortable and thx to you.
@ktosea (2025)
• China
27 Apr 09
your husband may have some plans of the money he made on Ebay,he could not be so selfish because you are couples,of course except he is always that selfish,if this is the only time you find that he is selfish,I think you could let it go,he must have some plans.try to understand each other well and fingure out why he don't want to pay the bills,you are a couple and don't let it goes the wrong way.
1 person likes this
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
27 Apr 09
Thanks for all the advice. I dont want it to go the wrong way, but he does. I tried and tried and tried... but only a few moment or may be a few months, it will start all over again. I dont know about his plan and I dont want to know either. couple should share right? but why he never care how much bills I pay and I just ask for some and he said NO. He won't give me the money, if I don't bother him about this. I dont want the money from him if he doesn't want to give me in a nice way. forget about it, nothing will work for this man.
@kprofgames (3091)
• United States
27 Apr 09
Yes they should share, but the fact that he won't even talk to you about money right now would worry me more.
@Maryam27 (411)
• Pakistan
11 May 09
Well smileonstar, Deepak is right, he might be saving it for something worth for both of you...maybe he is starting something new or doing something else. Give it sometime even then if you don't see any progress and he has the same behavior towards the expenses and you then you should not pay his bills and all. And don't help him with anything. If he is so selfish himself then he should see how it feels. Good Luck to you. And I hope your husband is saving it for some good purpose. :)
1 person likes this
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
11 May 09
well, he said it is just a little money and why i want it? he knows that I make more than him and he thought I would never short cuz all the bills paid.
@Deepak_Online (396)
• India
8 May 09
you are not stupid ! you are so cute :-)you must trust him dear. he might be saving it to invest on any kind of business for both of you. he is not answering it doesn't mean he is selfish. never again use such cheap words it doesn't go with your image. have trust on him and think Positive. and keep smiling like this :-)
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
8 May 09
hi, thx for saying all the nice words to me. and I marked as a best respond cuz you say Im cute :)
so let give it a prize. thx
so let give it a prize. thx
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
28 Apr 09
i will straight away stop paying for all the bills in the house... that is no more discussions about it... in fact, if my hubby is doing this to me, i will pack all his stuffs and he can move out from the house straight away... i'm not accommodating a 'free loader' in my house and i had told him since the start when we get married... so if he is going to be jobless and add on to be selfish, he can get out from the house... please stop paying all the bills and make him realise his mistakes... good luck... take care and have a nice day...
1 person likes this
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
8 May 09
I know, I should do that since the beginning right? man,
@scarlet_woman (23465)
• United States
28 Apr 09
my ex was like that.we fought every month about bills going higher and higher,yet he was home all day,4 fans on,two tv's,various other things.
i ended up getting a second job to pay them,no that wasn't acceptable either-he complained til i quit.
then come to find out he was hiding money in the closet(under the table jobs) while making me work my *ss off.
i really have no advice,because once they're like that,they rarely change.
to make a long story short,i left him(it was more than just that).i got tired of paying everything and still getting grief daily.
me personally,i'd cancel his credit cards if he was sticking me with the payment all the time.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
8 May 09
Right, I used to fight with him about this before but I dont want to do that anymore... it is worthless. I rather calm myself down and keep working
@berrys (864)
• Singapore
27 Apr 09
honey if i was you I'd cut my loses start out fresh and get my self together WITHOUT HIM. right now he's a liability and he's treating you as if you're an ATM machine and refusing to help you because he is being selfish saving for himself? what kind of husband does that? i mean at least go out to try and get a real job instead of sitting at home and making the electricity bill shoot up even more. i mean what's his deal? sure he's under stress but YOU'RE under stress to and if you have to work thrice as hard just to keep the both of your heads above water that's not fair he should be helping out. at least try. you will be able to succeed way better without him. good luck and god bless my dear. cheers love.
1 person likes this
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
27 Apr 09
To tell you the truth... I used to ask him for leaving, and he never want to do so. he said how about the kids... If i leave him now, I am sure his family will blame so much on him. I try not to do this way cuz 1. my kids, 2. my parents was asking me not to divorce, find some ways to solve. 3. I still love him.
However, he never know about these three. If he has another girl, I would be so happy for him. I rather take care of everything alone but I dont know why he stuck with me like this.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
8 May 09
well, I did and nothing back to me. Now, I just learn how to be myself and not really think of what is going on. If he ignoring me and then I should do the same thing. thx for all the good words
@chillpill90 (1936)
•
27 Apr 09
Your husband is being very immature, what you should do is pay for the things which have your name on them. DONT pay his things because if you do he wont feel motivated to get a new job, BUT if you dont pay them then he will have to use his own money to.
Your not stupid you think that because he is your husband you should help him out, at the moment i would say dont bother because he is taking advantage.
Dont buy him any food or pay anything which has his name on it and tel him he either gets a job or moves out because your are not the only adult in the house and he should get a job or get rid of his credit card seeing as you are not going to pay them and he cant afford them.
1 person likes this
@HelloMickey (1655)
• Hong Kong
27 Apr 09
Hello smileonstar
No, you are not stupid. I did exactly like what you are doing. It is not stupid at all, I did it because I love my husband, I think he would have done the same to me if I were the one laid off from job.
I also would stop asking if people answer me NO, it is very not good indeed. Try to talk with him and tell you what you feel.
Stop pay his bills is very good to do now, tell him you can help him a bit but not the whole. Wish you good luck.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
27 Apr 09
Thank you for your kindness. you know what is going on right? and you know how it feel right? I am wondering, why guys never understand us and why they never think what we have been through. I hope so too, hope one day he wakes up but I have been waiting for almost 7 years for that... I dont know how long this dream is going on. I will do what you said today.
@nv_jenn (207)
• Canada
27 Apr 09
I would be really upset if I were you. I would take the money while he's sleeping and if he had an issue pack my stuff and leave. I don't know what the laws are like where you live but in Canada if you go into collections it ruins your credit from 7 years after you clear the debt. It will also be on you as he is your spouse. I just think before neglecting your bills you should check what you happen to your credit first. Just a thought. Hope everything works out for you both though. :)
1 person likes this
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
27 Apr 09
HI, of course I am upset and I am worry too. I would do the same thing you said but his money is in his paypal account and I can't leave the house. My kids and this is my house too. Everything is just question me and I can't do anything beside, let him pay his own bill name. Thanks for the comments
@CHORES (229)
• China
27 Apr 09
I think you are right.You should give him some space.Playing as his role,you must found him to be very upset and terrified of future.If talk doesn't work,just do something to let him know you love him ,to let him feel he is at home-the safest place in the world.
1 person likes this
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
27 Apr 09
If you talking about love, I gave him more than anyone does and what I got back? Pain, misunderstanding... Sometimes, I found myself to hate him so much and I just want to go away. Married life to me is nothing and nothing than pain... I think I might be owing him something from the last life and now I have to pay him back or something. Someday, when I left him then he will realized how much important I am to him. for now, he thought I am the lucky woman to have him... but actually, I am the unlucky one.
@wahmbrenda (141)
• United States
27 Apr 09
If your name isn't on it, I say don't pay it. Let him learn the hard way. I know that sounds selfish but if you don't have enough money to pay everything and he won't help then something has to give. This may be hard to do but it sure would teach him a lesson.
1 person likes this
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
27 Apr 09
I will pay only what I have name on it. his problem is his and I won't involve anymore. It is hard to do but for my own good then I will have to give up on him. He never think about me, so why do I
