Would you feel hurt and disprected?

Canada
May 3, 2009 2:23pm CST
I know I have made many posts on my ex husband and i have just thought of another post...AS many of you already know I lost a baby in May/07 and almost lost my own life that night...A year ago in April my husband walks out on us and has had NOTHING to do with his kids or me! I've heard through mutual friends that he wants to get a tattoo of the name of our baby that we lost her name is Rochelle! One friend understands and thinks that oh it's his way of dealing with the grief and he isn't doing it to dis-respect you it has nothing to do with you...Another friend agrees whole heartly with me... I feel that yes it is dis-respectful I almost didn't make it out of surgery that night and my feelings were dismissed by him about her death and he treated me like crap...He walks out on his living children and has NOTHING to do with them whatsoever! Says behind my back I didn't WANT the baby! I think it's the most disrespectful thing he can do cuz if she ment anything to him would he not cherish the children he has? Would he not want to come closer with the Mother of that child? What are your thoughts?
4 people like this
10 responses
@PeacefulWmn9 (10424)
• United States
3 May 09
First, I am sorry for your loss. Losing a child is the worst pain! I feel that your husband treating you badly and walking out on you was disrespectful to you. I do not feel that wanting a tattoo of you and his baby's name is in any way disrespectful of you. Our relationships with our children and spouses are separate of one another. We're each individuals. As far as his estrangement from you and his other children, that is a hard one to figure out. We each grieve and act out in our own way, and others do get hurt in the process. Maybe not intentionally, but if he is super self-focused right now, that is all he sees...himself.
• Canada
3 May 09
You are definatly right about him only seeing himself that is true...He wants to only get our daughters name not mine...I guess I opps in my words am truly sorry about that...He has only ever thought about himself and his feelings and not the feelings of others!
3 people like this
• United States
3 May 09
I dont say this to be rude, but I doubt it has anything to do with you - afterall you are now his ex. I do agree that it is disrespectful though. Especially to his living children. There is nothing wrong with wanting to honor a child you lost. But you would think that would make you want to spend more time with the children you still have and honor them even more! For some people, they dont come closer with the other parent after a loss like that. Sometimes it is even more painful than if they just left completely. It is always hard on the person they leave, but to leave your own children as well is something else.
4 people like this
• Canada
3 May 09
You are not rude in that at all...And that is a good insight that is where I'm unsure of his intentions because to this day he seems to find something to still hurt me...So I don't know if he is doing it intentially... He is acting as if I didn't even go through it at all is what is really sad and yes it's dis-respectful to our children but I believe in most its a ploy to hurt me! I have the scar to remind me everyday!
2 people like this
@soulist (2987)
• United States
5 May 09
I agree I don't think it is anything against you and maybe he felt the pain and grief himself and couldn't bare to live with knowing he lost something so precious. Some people do that, leave things that would remind them of that pain. I honestly don't think it is disrespectful for him to get her name tattooed on his body because she was afterall his daughter as well. He should be able to have the name of the child he lost.
• Canada
5 May 09
I'm sure that he probably doesn't see it that way but after everything that I've heard about what he has said behind my back and how he has lied to me about his feelings, and still does to this day is why I feel a little dis-respected I guess...Our entire relationship I found out was a lie!
1 person likes this
• Canada
3 May 09
It sounds like you do have a point, he obviously isn't involved in his kids' lives. It's his decision to walk out, but that doesn't take away his responsibility to take care of his own kids and actually father them. However, I don't know if getting the tattoo would be disrespectful. That may be his way of dealing with his grief, a way of saying "I won't ever forget what happened here". I know it seems odd that he'd care so little for his kids in comparison. It sounds like you're over him, and that's probably for the best. But there always room for redemption. If he tries to be part of his kids' lives, you should try to work with him, no matter how much he hurt you. I'm very sorry about your loss, I can't begin to imagine how that must feel.
4 people like this
• Canada
3 May 09
That's the thing, for so long she did encourage him to have a relationship with his kids. While he was staying at my house she even brought the kids over to see him! He wants nothing to do with her or the kids and that's not right! You'd think with losing one he'd want to hold his living children that much tighter!
3 people like this
@sulynsi (2838)
• Canada
4 May 09
I am certainly no expert, so my comment may certainly may be ignored if you feel it is inappropriate. From what little I have read about this situation, it sounds like your husband plunged into a very deep depression, and may have benefitted from medical intervention. THis is not to minimize your pain. I can't even imagine the suffering you are going through. It is sad enough to lose your little one, but then to be torn apart so bitterly from the one who should be your support. Have you sought medical help, or at least grief counselling? I am concerned also for your older children. They must also be deeply grieved, even if they don't totally understand what is going on. They would understand that you and daddy are unhappy. Maybe your husband is scared of losing his other kids as well. Maybe he blames himself for the loss and figures his kids are better off without him. People think strange things when they are depressed and grieving. I know depression can take on different faces. I know a man who you would never think was depressed. It came out in arrogance and bravado. He was deliberately pushing his loved ones away. I don't fully understand the rationale. As a woman, my first instinct is to draw close, hug and hold loved ones in a crisis. I don't think it is the same for men. Forgive the generality. I'm certain there are men that don't feel that way. I think upbringing and cultural attitudes may have a factor. Maybe a gentlman can give more insight on this, as I'm only basing my comments on my own observations. Again, my deepest condolences to you and your family. May you all find healing and peace.
3 people like this
• Canada
4 May 09
I would not ignore this comment it was very well written and it makes alot of sense... I've been in councling since he left had my appointment made before he left I just had my last meeting with my councelor and he tells me I've come along way...I was diagnosed with depression due to events in my life I was on anti-depressants but stopped taking them because they were not doing anything for me I was the same and strong and making it through.... My Ex husband when to councling was diagnosed depressed was on annti-depressants but ran away...Wasn't letting his councling work for him...As for how he treats the kids today this has been a pattern sadly that he has carried out for years...He has a son from a previous marriage and did it to him had nothing to do with him...Also when My oldest was younger and he was with this other woman he did it to my son now he is doing it to all 3... My son after about a month I talked it over with him to help him feel more comfy about councling and the councelor that he go also is the councelor at his school so he sees her on a regular basis...I thank you cuz If I was still stuck and not going this would have opened my eyes...I'm moving on and doing better My Ex is still at square one and trying to deliberatly hurt me!
2 people like this
@sulynsi (2838)
• Canada
4 May 09
I am so glad you got the help you felt you needed and that it has given you some peace. Good for you that you saw to it that your other children did as well. May I offer one little suggestion? I can't help feeling a little sorry for your ex. Not condoning what he has done. He definitely sounds as though he is his own worst enemy. One day, though, he may wake up and realize just how his behaviour has damaged himself and his children. From my personal experience, if you can keep hope alive in your children, by avoiding being drawn into bitter feelings about him, that one day he may reconcile with his kids, if not with you. Whatever he has done, he is still their dad and they can't help but love him. If you do what you can to remember the good times, the kids will thank you for it later. They will appreciate your not making them feel guilty about still loving dad. They won't be torn apart by their love for you and him. Then, when they get older, they can sort out their own feelings about him. But you will remain untarnished by bitterness. Your kids will always respect your kindness, your forgiving attitude, your charity. Again, may you find peace and happiness, despite these troubles.
3 people like this
• Canada
5 May 09
Your suggestion is wonderful it really is and I appreciate it very much....I'm not showing the kids about my feelings towards their Dad My 2 year old too young to understand...But as far as my 16 year old I have told him it's his choice and I support whatever decision he makes regarding his Dad! Sadly this isn't the first time he has done this to my son...He left when my son was 10 months old and walked in and out....Treated him horrible I did show I could be friendly no hard feelings with his Dad but I saw the pain it caused my son and when I got back together with him out of faith he had changed and grown up since then as we were very young...He fought to get a relationship back with my son...Iggied his second son from his previous marriage....And is now doing it to my daughter.... If she asks about her Dad I will explain the best I can...But knowing this mans pattern the way I do I have to keep him out Either in or out....He's been gone for over a year of her life...The Damage has already been done...I'm willing to work with him...If HE ever shows interest...But I'm not trusting and PROTECTIVE mother Hen is there!
2 people like this
• Canada
6 May 09
I feel that you are right! He should not get her name tattooed on his body! He could at least pick up the phone and call you and the kids! I think he is acting like a baby oh wait my 3 year old has more respect and better manners then him. Take Care
3 people like this
• Canada
6 May 09
I totally agree with that hun more then you know my 2 year old knows more manners then him...Take Care!
2 people like this
@miamilady (4924)
• United States
4 May 09
I think we humans are completely illogical and sometimes we simply cannot understand another person's motives or feelings. I would accept that this is something he feels he need to do. Accept that he isn't a part of your life anymore and do your best to move on without him and no worry about the things that he chooses to do with his life or his body.
3 people like this
• Canada
5 May 09
I'm trying so hard not to let what he does or doesn't do bother me anything it's been a rough battle for me! But at the same time I feel it's really hard because he won't give me the respect of being a man and coming forth once and for all and telling me the truth I know hearing it may hurt yes but I believe I could put it behind me alot smoother with the avoidence!
2 people like this
• China
4 May 09
it is so shame! i feel so sad !sorry about that !anyway you will be better!
3 people like this
• Canada
4 May 09
hugzzz and thank-you I keep moving forward!
2 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
4 May 09
I have to say yes it is a form of disrespect because he can't show any love to his living children. That's like a huge slap in their faces for him to be so attached to the one and not the others. To me, it sounds like he's looking for attention and getting a tattoo is a way of getting attention because people will ask who's Rochelle and he'll have their full attention when he explains but then again, maybe it'll show what a dirty bag he really is once they find out he has other children that he has nothing to do with. Now there's nothing you can do about it though, because it's his body and he can put on it anything he so wishes but it is very disrespectful of him to do if he does it.
2 people like this
• Canada
4 May 09
I completly agree I feel he can do what he wishes with his body but he will see that he may not get the support or outcome when asked...And alot of people that he knows I know and already know about Rochelle...It will bite him hehe!
2 people like this
@betsyhu (207)
• China
4 May 09
yean, i agree with you. Manbe, he only want to get attentions from others. Man's thoughts isn't same as woman, so we can't comprehend them according to ours. Communication maybe is a better way to choose. I think.
3 people like this
• Canada
4 May 09
Thanks for your response I wish he would communicate he much rather just avoid me!
2 people like this
@Hatley (164755)
• Garden Grove, California
21 Aug 09
blueangelrs my thoughts on this are that he could be'doing this to spite you. His actions towards you And his children dont'show'any real love or compassion so I think itsthe most terrible thing'he cando as he probAbly feels it would mAke you angry.dont let him get to'you as that is just what it seems to me he wants,to see you all'angry and horribly upset. As there is no way that you can stop him from being so'disrespectful and just plAin mean, I would notlet it get to me'at all.I would consider the source and know he is a crude,rude piece of'you know what and not worthy of your losing any sleep over whatever'he does as long as he doesnt attempt to bother you physically or mentally.no strikethat,nothing you can do about his mental meanness except not give him the satisfaction of knowing you are hurt or angry.
• Canada
24 Aug 09
That is a great outlook...I agree and think you are so right...He hurt us long enough why should I give him anymore satifaction at his actions...
1 person likes this
• Canada
4 May 09
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. my only advice is to completly foget about him and try to focus all of you attention on your kids. I cant belive somebody could do that coping mechinism or not its just wrong. not only did your kids lose a sibling they also have to deal with the loss of a father. You seem like a really great mom I wish you all the best.
2 people like this
• Canada
5 May 09
Yes I'm holding as strong as I can for me and my kids as well as for my own sanity bascially lol....It's slowly getting better to where I can let it go and put it behind me not that I will ever forget him it was a hard lesson learned and I don't wanna forget!
2 people like this