Forgive and Forget: Do You Practise It? Or Do You Disagree With It?

@w1nsse (36)
Philippines
May 4, 2009 5:03pm CST
because i personally don't. to quote Thomas Szasz, 'The stupid neither forgive nor forget; The naive forgive and forget; The wise forgive but do not forget.' i must admit, i used to think it should work that way, but the thing is if we forget what happened? then it is as if it never even occurred! the problem will keep on repeating itself. what we need to take after having done something or Any possible wrong thing we have experienced is, we Learn from it. Jason Mraz got it pegged when he wrote, 'it is my turn to win some or learn some.' we never really lose anything if we only learn from our mistakes. and how do we learn if we when we do commit them, we easily just forget them? so we need to remember. it is crucial to remember. because if truly, we have genuinely and absolutely forgiven someone? then it should not hurt to remember it, should it? if it is difficult to recall these instances, then maybe we never really forgave them or Ourselves at all. another thing is if we do pretend as if it never happened, because we choose to forget about it, then isn't it a lie? pretending as if that one wrong act never occurred? and reality is it is a part of us. it happened. it should not be forgotten. whatever wrong thing we have done, forgiving someone or ourselves does not have anything to do with the need to forget it. it is ok to remember it. just not the personal, negative and hurtful feelings, but the Lesson. most critically, the lesson. i know i am practically answering my own questions but i am here to ask what you think, im just sharing my thoughts at the same time because i guess i believe this is an issue that should be talked about. lastly, on the whole forgiveness issue, i want to quote mr. samuel johnson, 'a wise man will make haste to forgive, because he knows the true value of time, and will not suffer it to pass away in unnecessary pain.' so there. what are Your thoughts? :)
1 person likes this
14 responses
@mikeley (321)
4 May 09
Hey W1nsse Hmmm this is a very interesting post so i must say thank you for putting this up as i have an experience ild like to share about this. So a few years back i had a friend who i thought was trustworthy and really cared about. we always had a good laugh :) He was like a brother to me and we always had each others back but a few months back he became less trusting and starting blaming he and accusing me of something i didn't do due to someone who seemed to be brainwashing him :( i couldn't take all the lies i was hearing and a had to turn my back on him. I know think to myself i will never forgive the person who split are friendship and never forget what a great friendship i once had. :)
1 person likes this
• Australia
5 May 09
I was reading your response. It was as if I was reading what happened to me. I too, had a friend who was like a brother to me. I trusted him. He supported me morally. He gave me strength to cope with my own problems. He also had problems and I gave him the same support as he gave me. Then he met a woman. She was cautious of me. I think that she was jealous of me. After all, I am 13 years younger than her. I should have read the signs before I started talking to her but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. While we were talking she would say one thing. For example, I would ask her if she was feeling comfortable with what I was saying. She would tell me yes. She even asked me for help which I was happy to offer. Then she had gone to her partner/my friend, and told him that she wasn't comfortable with what I was saying. She had told him that it freaked her out. Both of them decided to turned their backs on me by not contacting me. They were not even going to tell me. They may have hoped that I would vanish into the darkness. But I got in contact with my friend, he accused me of things I didn't do. What he had said really upset me. The things that he said made me hate myself. I didn't want anything to do with him or her. I ended the friendship. I got so sick over the time. I thought enough is enough after 5 months. I have to think of myself and started getting answers. I also wanted to try and rebuild the friendship with him if I could. His last contact with me, was 2 months ago. I replied with remarks that really didn't bring the best out of me. My response was quite ugly. For example he told me to get off the computer and my response to that was, 'do you really think I am on the computer 24/7?' I do blame her to a point, but at the same time, I don't blame her. I can understand if what she has done was through jealousy. I also do blame him but at the same time, I don't because he is in love with this woman. He only believes her because of her being his partner that he loves. If I told him that the sky is blue, and she would tell him the sky is purple, he would believe the sky is purple. Now the reason why I say I don't blame them because in my life, I have been put into situations that they are in. Recently, I had a 17 year old girl hanging off my husband right in front of me. Even when leaving she planted a kiss on his lips. The problem was that this girl looked simular to an actress that my husband would comment that he would like to be with her. I was jealous with seeing this young girl do what she did. I said nothing because I want to trust my husband. The other situation I was in was many years ago. I was in love with a guy (before my husband's time). A friend of mine told me that the boyfriend was going to break up with me because I was not of the same nationality. I didn't believe her because I was in love with this guy. No one would destroy my happiness with him. Days later, he did end the relationship. I found out later that the next girl he dated was of the same nationality. My friend was telling me the truth and I didn't believe her. Because of this, I can forgive them, but I won't forget. Our stories my be different but there are simularities. I could almost understand how you feel through my story.
• United States
4 May 09
My sister and I had a falling out once really bad over a man. We did not speak to each other for about three years. The man is long gone but I still have a sister. It took my mom dying to bring us together(how awful) I just figured it is not mine to judge. "let the man with no sin cast the first stone." Anger, unforgiveness just goes inward and destroys the person who feels it.
1 person likes this
5 May 09
I too had a fall out with my sister over a man. I didnt talk to her fo four years and my poor mum's heart couldnt handle it. But for the sake of her we made ammends. I forgave her and well lets say now its forgotten and we're back to where we used to be as loving sisters. Forgiving and forgetting is a healthy thing to do. just forgiving without forgetting is like carrying excess baggage in your life. For me I forgive and forget because I believe that not makes me move on with my life but it is a sense of achievement. When you hold unforgiveness you're only hurting yourself and making your life a misery so forgiveness is good for the soul..
@Elixiress (3893)
5 May 09
It all depends on what it is on whether I will forgive it, but I will never forget it. I recently found out that my ex-boyfriend cheated on me by kissing another girl and I cannot forgive it, because it took a confrontation with prove for him to admit it. I could have possibly forgive him over time if he had told me straight away and acted as thought he cared that we were over, but he doesn't seem bothered. Therefore I think forgiveness depends on the action itself and how people react to what they did.
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@chookie1971 (2276)
• Australia
5 May 09
I wanted to add to this discussion but I think I have said it all with the comment to mikeley. I just got carried away. It is like I was feeling what he was feeling. His response was short and sweet but mine was longer as I wanted to let him know I have been in a simular situation. Have fun reading it. would it be a good movie or book?
1 person likes this
@soulist (2987)
• United States
4 May 09
I dont see the point in holding on to past hurts. I have learned that the best way to overcome the hurt that someone has caused me is to let go and forgive them for it. When I forgive them I can forget about and no longer will that hurt have control over me.
@jayrene (2713)
• Philippines
5 May 09
im the kind of person that never forgets... and it will take years for me to get over the hurt, so forgiving really is a hard thing for me to do. but there were a lot of times that i really wanted to forgive but i dont know how... there are other people who can forgive easily, im the opposite of those. me and my mom had a bad parting, and it took three years for us to talk again... different people have different abilities.... the ability to forget easily, the ability for forgive easily, i dont have those abilities... sad, but i have learned many lessons, not to trust people easily, i have known some people's true colors and avoided them. i have fallen many times, belittled, accused of something i did not do... but through all those, i learned to stand by myself. and never did i forget one wrong thing done to me. although there were some that i have forgiven already because it was a very long time ago, others i haven't yet forgiven.
@w1nsse (36)
• Philippines
5 May 09
can you please READ my post? not the title. but the paragraphs i actually wrote below and give me your thoughts after you have read them. thank you so much! :) i love the honesty in your reply by the way, but i do not think you ever read what i wrote before actually answering :p
@jayrene (2713)
• Philippines
6 May 09
actually i READ your posts and not just once but TWICE, and at the end you said... "so there. what are your thoughts?:)" quite honestly, i put in what was in my thoughts and my experience... next time if you want specific answers and want something to read WHAT YOU WANT, then be specific with it... and please try to correctly connect the title to what you want members here to respond to your discussion... and dont add that what are your thoughts question in the end... :P
1 person likes this
@w1nsse (36)
• Philippines
11 May 09
i give you a plus rating for saying what you said! good for you :) thanks for replying. it was stupid of me to have assumed you didn't.
@Trensue (5256)
• United States
5 May 09
How about forgive and protect? Honestly forgive and don't put yourself in the same situation again, by choice of your own. Again the only thing we can control are our personal actions, not the actions of others. Forgiveness is a solitary function and it has no bearing on those you forgive unless they make a personal choice.
@w1nsse (36)
• Philippines
5 May 09
i guess you're one of the fewest who answered this and got it pegged. thats awesome though! :) forgive and PROTECT. and anyway i never really said that we have to ask someone to forgive us. or that we need to get someone to forgive us, i was specifically talking about our own selves. this decision we have over the choice to either forgive or to KEEP the grudge. what people usually mistake about forgiving is that they think if you do forgive someone, and do not forget about what they did, then we never really truly forgave that person! i strongly disagree with this idea. and what i think people believe about forgetting is that we are asked to keep being IN the relationship we are in with that person. say, we have a friend who betrayed us? or a boyfriend/girlfriend. choosing to forgive this person for something they did does not mean if we FORGET then we MUST KEEP BEING IN the relationship. that we should stay together forever after? forgetting instead is like being a robot, asking yourself to erase even the most minute detail that happened between you two and never ever mention it again until the end of time. if we forgive, you are right, there is no connection whatsoever on those you forgive. also if we do choose to forgive, it Also has NO bearing that we forget! other than the fact that were not robots(unless we have memory problems, then it wouldn't even be a choice we can make), we need to remember to be able to understand what happened, why we did what we did, and that these are acts that we are actually capable of doing! that it is in us and we need to remember it or even talk about it MINUS the personal negative destructive feelings, but to remember the situation, what caused it? so we can do everything in our power to keep it from ever happening again. if we choose not to forgive though, were really just hurting ourselves arent we? so if a boyfriend/girlfriend or a friend hurt you and you see that this person is not anytime soon changing how he's/she's living his/her life? then we simply FORGIVE the person but cut all ties we have with them. :) thank you so much for your answer by the way. i think if you did read my actual post, not just the title but the paragraphs below it? you must have been the only one. lol. i dont think anybody really reads before answering. maybe its the money were all after huh? :/ i hope not.
• Ireland
5 May 09
Hello! It is really nice to forgive and forget. But somehow I prefer to forget and then forgive. What usually happens with me is that I forget what I was fighting against with the other party and then somehow I forgive them. It is a very rare occasion thought that I have a disagreement with somebody or have something to fight about. It's because I often make it a point to see things in different perspective and to really take time to calm myself first before taking action instead of acting on my anger straight away. I often calm myself by walking away from the situation and at the same time think whats the best thing to do. That way my anger subsides and I made a decision in a calm and rational manner. Have a nice day.
@w1nsse (36)
• Philippines
5 May 09
this actually scared me. did you READ my post? not the question, but the actual post i made. i know about controlling our emotions and not letting it drive what we do. not letting our anger decide what we should say and do to whoever made us angry. this is called composure. and i dont think we need to walk away, because it is also possible that the person we were talking to needed us to stay and finish the conversation. if we do walk away we might give the implication that we were insulting them? but its smart to cool off. if we are known to go with our anger and pride, and give time to ourselves to REALLY think about what happened. i call this stepping back and looking at the situation as a scientist :) but when you said you FORGET first and then you forgive? this scares me even more. because you never really find out what happened. if you HAVE read the post i wrote BELOW the TITLE of this discussion? you would notice that i am against forgiving AND FORGETTING. specifically about forgetting. because i cannot see any significance why when we do decide to forgive someone we NEED TO FORGET? we are NOT ROBOTS! we do not forget. unless we have memory problems then i guess that's an entirely different story. but what i was meaning to point out from posting the discussion was, it is critical to REMEMBER. if we are friends with somebody and they did something bad to us? or they betrayed us? if i am truly friends with them? and it hurt me so bad? if i want to live healthy? i would forgive them, but if at all possible, i would have their foreheads tattood and written on it is the act that they did. and i would want them to do the same to me! because if we are friends at all? i would want us to keep REMEMBER what we did because IT HAPPENED, we chose to do those things and THESE ARE THE HORRIBLE BAD THINGS WE ARE CAPABLE OF DOING! if we remember it, step back? and observe it together, figure out what happened? talk about it, not be TOO ATTACHED and just separate ourselves from the acts we did do: why did you do that to me? because you were doing this to me! really? that was not my intention! you should tell me next time, so it will not keep repeating.. this way, we get to pinpoint what went wrong! we get to make numerous solutions what we can do next time to keep it from ever happening again! this is why it is important to remember. and with most people, they think that if we do forgive, and NOT FORGOTTEN? then we never really forgave at all! this is so not true!!!! :c its got nothing to do with forgetting! if we do forgive someone, and we think they are bad for us because its possible they will not change? then we simply cut our ties with them. forgiving does not mean that we KEEP the relationship! we forgive the act, but IT IS OK TO LEAVE because the person never really changed. Yet, at least. anywho, thank you nonetheless for bothering to answer. i did post this discussion to have people open their eyes to this truth. and i hope at least even some people get something out of it. take care
@CRIVAS (1820)
• Canada
5 May 09
Personally for me, it all depends on what the person did. For me, I have a few family members that did some pretty terrible things to my parents and my family. I tried forgiving them only to have them do something worse. Now I don't speak to them and I have to say that not that they are out of my life, I feel a lot better. I have a very stict policy, I only respect the people that respect me. I also NEVER forget, although I have been known to forgive if forgivness is deserved. I will not however ever lower my standards or forgive someone I know does not deserve it. I think that by constantly forgiving people, we show them that it doesn't matter what they do, we will always take them back into our lives and that should not always be the case. I know that God teaches us to turn the other cheek, and I too am capable of it when deserved, but I will not let someone walk all over me. I understand that everyone is different and I don't expect a lot of people to agree with me but that is just my opinion. I hope that my answer has given you some idea of the kind of person that I am and that you can understand my response. Happy mylotting.
5 May 09
I tend to forgive and forgot if it is the 1st or 2nd time something has happened and after that forgive but not forget. By not forgetting I decide how to react in the future and therefore know how to handle minimise the impact.
@tammytwo (4304)
• United States
5 May 09
I totally believe that we will be much happier people if we can forgive and forget those who hurt us in life. However, it is one of those things that is MUCH easier said than done. I truly try to forgive just so that I may be at peace with myself (and others). However there are times I find myself holding a grudge.
@lingli_78 (12845)
• Australia
5 May 09
i am not really a forgiving person to be honest... especially forget... it is so hard... but i am practicing to be a more forgiving person by each day as i don't want to live as a bitter person... and you can't live a happy life if you hold a grudge against people in your life... so now i think i am more forgiving compare to in the past... take care and have a nice day...
@pree70 (525)
• India
5 May 09
i think for most people it is just not possible to forgive or forget especially if someone has wronged them greviously. but i personally think that forgiving someone brings a lot of peace of mind to the injured party and if done genuinely, we may be able to forget the incident too. that way, we are able to make peace with ourselves.
@venmarz13 (736)
• Indonesia
4 May 09
ehm forget not always along with forget.it easy to forgive but not to forget it.i have bad experience with my ex-friend.before we best friend but when we have a project task.she show his bossy atitude.i really hate that attitude.she is so lazy just ask others to do it.and she underestimate me an other team members.she say that we must do the project as soon as possible.for your information this project is for college task.but she do nothing just asking other to do it faster.and when we ask for the fee,she said that we not good in working it and she didnt give our money until one month. so i decide to call her father(project maker)to pay us.she get angry and she say that we are poor girl.we can fogive about it.but until now i cannot forget that bad habit like that.i hope she can make her attitude better but there is no change.so i decide to far from her life too.i dont wanna get a problem with her in twice.