My husband managed to screw up Mother's Day for me. Isn't he a sweetheart? NOT!
By mentalward
@mentalward (14691)
United States
May 11, 2009 8:15am CST
I hope all the moms here in myLot had a great day yesterday. Mother's Day has always been special to me because my sons always made sure it was. Even my ex tried to make sure that it was a special day for me. But not my current husband!
Most of you already know what a jerk this guy is from some of my other posts. Well, he managed to see that I was very UNhappy yesterday. I had brought my youngest son home to help me around the property on Friday because it was one of the VERY FEW days we've had without rain here recently, and the grass needed cutting badly.
My husband came home from work, saw my son mowing the lawn and the very first words out of his mouth were "I was going to do that this weekend." He said it with disgust. I told him that now he doesn't have to do that but there are plenty of other things outside he can help me with. But, all he said was, "Your boys are doing everything for you; you don't need me."
When my son finished up mowing the lawn, he came inside and started helping me in the kitchen. I started fixing dinner. My husband said he was exhausted and was going to go to bed (this was around 6 p.m.).
Well, I finished dinner (just spaghetti), my son and I ate, then watched a movie. My arms were almost worthless from trimming the weeds around the bushes and pulling some from the flower garden, so there was no way I could take my son home that night, so we planned on him staying for the weekend so he could do everything for me on Sunday, as a Mother's Day gift, including cooking dinner.
But, when I went in to go to bed (around 9:00), my husband was still awake, watching TV and getting drunk. He wasn't exhausted, he just didn't want to be near my son. So, Saturday morning, I took my son home because my husband was making everyone feel uneasy.
My oldest son called me on Sunday to say Happy Mother's Day and that he'd like to drop off my youngest son so he could be my "slave" for Mother's Day. I told him it wouldn't be a good idea, because of my husband's attitude.
My oldest son works Saturday and Sunday nights, so we had planned on doing something on Wednesday, when he has the time and energy. I told him that the three of us would go out to a restaurant for a really nice lunch or something on Wednesday to celebrate Mother's Day. My husband will be at work. He doesn't even need to know, but he will... I'll tell him!
I let him know that he ruined Mother's Day for me and that I'm tired of his ruining things like this for me because he hated his own mother. I reminded him of just how dysfunctional his family was and that he seems to be carrying on the family tradition. (His parents were both alcoholics and he and his 3 siblings are all alcoholics.)
Oh, my husband TRIED to make up for it, later in the day, by picking me some buttercups and bringing them in to me. Right. Sure. THAT makes it all better! He doesn't get it. Mother's Day is supposed to be a time for family. He HATES it when my family comes over (all I have are my sons and some cousins scattered across the U.S.). He's JEALOUS of my sons, so he tries his best to ruin any good times we might have together.
Sorry for ranting, but I HAD to get this off my chest. Oh, by the way, this marriage is ending soon... my husband announced that he wants to sell this house and move closer to his work. That's fine. I own another house, fully paid for, that I was going to try to sell. I'm glad now that I didn't, because that's where I'm going to move... NOT with him! I've already started going through my stuff and tossing anything I don't need (I did this on Sunday). All the work I've put into this house is for nothing. (We've only lived here for 2 years.)
We had talked about marriage counseling earlier, when he was unemployed and he said we'd go as soon as he got insurance again. Now that he has it, he refuses to go.
So, did anyone ruin your Mother's Day, or any other special day, for you? Do you have a partner, spouse, significant other, or whatever who is jealous of your family and, instead of trying to join in, they make life miserable for you?
22 people like this
35 responses
@derlilaStern (1756)
• United States
11 May 09
I understand the need to rant. And it sounds like you have a terrible relationship with your husband. I do want to share something with you that was very hard for me to learn.
Only you have the choice over what kind of day you will have. If you want to be happy, let situations roll of your back. If you want to be miserable, dwell on comments. Things like "Your boys are doing everything for you. You dont need me" may be frustrating. But just saying "That isnt true" and understanding that he has perhaps had a bad day will be beneficial to both of you. Letting a comment like that put you in a bad mood doesnt help anyone! You are allowing him to ruin your day.
Getting out of that marriage doesnt sound like a bad thing. It doesnt sound like it is healthy. Just remember that each day is within your control. You may not be able to control the events that happen, but you can control how you react. Your reactions will determine whether or not you have a good day.
2 people like this
@derlilaStern (1756)
• United States
11 May 09
I cant even imagine how hard that must be. I am glad that you are choosing to do something about. Even if that means a divorce, you are more important than the way he treats you. I am glad you have not lost sight of that. Too many people do.
I hope things go quickly and smoothly so that you can move on with your life.
1 person likes this
@imajerseygirl (433)
• United States
11 May 09
This is the first posting that I saw from you about your husband, as I am kinds new to mylot. I am sorry to hear about all your troubles with him. But hey, look at it this way, when you move to your house WITHOUT him, everyday will be like a holiday. No woman deserves that. My husband and I used to go through the same thing, everday was a normal day, but holidays were definitely special, always an argument til I finally just shut down on those days and didn't even acknowledge them. Now thank god its a lot better. (He's working on giving me a good mothers day).
2 people like this
@enola1692 (3323)
• United States
11 May 09
I felt bad when I read this it reminded me of my dad he treated my mom like that now it was ok to say hapy fathers day to him but when we said happy mothers day to our mom he was like why you doing that she dont do nothing Oh but yes she did she was our mom an dad she worked hard to raise 5 kids an bow to my dads every wim I just wish I could send you a hug have a wonderfull day with your sons wed
1 person likes this
@Amberina (1541)
• United States
11 May 09
Just reading your post makes me sad for you and your sons, and it makes me mad at your husband. One thing I have learned is that your children will always love you and always need you, men come and go but your kids will be there forever. Good luck with your moving and I hope you find happiness.
1 person likes this
@PurpleTeddyBear (6685)
• Canada
11 May 09
Good point Amberina that your kids will always love and need you! Plus it also seems like her sons are always there, more so then her hubby. I also feel that her sons keep her grounded more then he does! She's a strong woman, she can do it on her own!
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
11 May 09
Hey Marti,
I'm sorry to hear that you missed out on a beautiful Mother's Day with your Son's.
My husband and I have only been in our home for 2& 1/2 years and are on the verge of losing it. My Son is in California but I get a phone call at least before midnight. My Husband was out trying to make a little money with a road side fruit stand. I asked him to bring me home a lottery scratch off amd I won $25.00. Although he thinks since I'm not his Mother then I don't need anything from him! He just doesn't get it. Yet if I don't get anything for Father's Day, his feelings will be hurt.
So I spent a quiet day reading and napping. Turned out fine.
leenie
1 person likes this
@angelsmummy (1696)
•
11 May 09
awww im real sorry to hear that as i was reading it i just wanted to give u a hug and tell u to leave him becuase u can do much better than being treated like that!!! u seem like a strong minded person, good luck in your new house, the only special day that has been ruined for me was my 18th birthday which was ruined by my best friend, he bought his boyfriend along and they just argued all night and i didnt know where to out myself then he decided to tell me what a rubbish friend i am.
2 people like this
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
11 May 09
Thank you so much for the kind words and the hug, mummy! I've put up with him way too long now but haven't been in a position to just leave, but that will be changing very soon. I'll do just fine on my own.
I'm sorry to hear about your 18th birthday and your best friend who turned out to be NOT such a good friend! It seems that, for some people, they don't see how stupid or hurtful they've been acting until it's too late.
But, from what I can see, you are a very nice and thoughtful person. Hopefully, you'll never have another birthday ruined. I hope they're all wonderful!
1 person likes this
@bonbon664 (3466)
• Canada
11 May 09
I'm glad to hear that you're ending this marriage. The guy sounds like a total jerk. It's too bad you have to endure this guy right now, but, I'm glad you have a plan in place, which doesn't include him.
I'm glad to say that I don't have anyone in my life that has intentionally ruined a special day for me. I'm very lucky.
Life is sooo short to be unhappy.
1 person likes this
@bdugas (3578)
• United States
12 May 09
I'm so sorry to hear of you horrible Mother's day, but honey you was not alone. I have 3 children, a daughter and 2 sons. My daughter called on
saturday and said that she was taking me out to dinner, her kids was at their father's and we could go and enjoy a good meal, she also made my hubby go, which is something he seldom does. The dinner was great and I eat too much as we went to a all you want to eat. And I really enjoyed it.
My one son lives a state over from us, I waited all day for a call from him, nothing. My daughter and I went up to Wal-Mart and on the way back she seen her brother's car at his house. That was strange as he had moved out a couple weeks ago and left the woman he has been living with for nearly 10 years. Some where along the line he has this idea that I deserted him when he was small. I did not desert him, his father took them away from me, along with my horrible mother, and once he had them he turned them over to children's services, where they stayed for nearly 3 years before I could get them back. It was a spite thing. He was in a foster home just up the road from where we live now. Some how after 30 years he found these people, and all of a sudden they are his now family, they have after one or 2 trips to their house, give him $800. and added him to their will. Some thing just don't set well with me with this. I mean he was only there for a few months and all of a sudden he picks up and leaves the one person we never thought he would ever leave and they are adding him to their will. Any way, my daughter and my 2 grand daughters went in the house, I did not go, I had no idea what was going on and did not want to get into it.
My grand daughter came out said what is my cell phone number as I had been calling him all day cussing him about mother's day, I said sorry I don't know where my cell is or if it is charged. When they came out and we left, they said he told them I am a dislusional bit*ch and need to stay away from him. Isn't it funny that before he went to these people, these good christian people's house there was no problem. Well we came home and I was trying to plant the flowers that I had bought, and on my hands and knees I started to cry, my hubby came out and tried to comfort me, but don't he realize that a statement like that hurts anytime of the year, but to hear it on MOther's Day is even worse. I cried therest of the day. My daughter said that my son was going through some mid life crisis and not to pay any attention to him. I'm sorry she has 2 daughters and if one was to make such a statement to her, it would crush her.
I do not know what I did to the other one, he don't call, or come around, I don't think he has been in my house for 2 years. He is a very private person and don't want anyone to know when things are bad for him. I wasn't asking for gifts, or momey or flowers, but how much effort does it take to pick up the phone and just say Happy Mother's Day. I'm 62 years old and again never heard from either one of them on my birthday which was in April, I will be gone one day, I wonder then if they will be happy that they don't have to deal with me anymore or if they will regret what they did to me while I was alive.
I know this mother's day was about the worse I could of ever lived. I got a lot of email ecards for Mother's Day from my friends back home, and that was nice and it made the day not so bad, but the one thing I wanted was to just hear my son's say Happy Mother's Day.
I hope all the other mother's had a great day, and didn't have to hurt like you and I did on that one special day of the year.
@bdugas (3578)
• United States
12 May 09
My birthday is on the 17th and happy belated to you too. I will allow your friends invite, some of us need to stick together on here, although it is not nice to hear that people have bad days it is nice to know you are not the only one that has them that there are others out there too. AS for your hubby, I have one that drinks too, I know what goes on, when they have had one too many and they only care about what goes on with the booze, maybe he don't want your sons around cause he don't want them to know of his drinking and if he can keep them away he don't feel like they can condem him for it. My hubby used to have a problem with my kids and family, untill we was relocated up here to where they live, and they have shown him that he is loved and wanted, where his family back home only know how to use him. He also never gets a call on father's day or his birthday or at christmas or thanksgiving from his kids so I think that it hurt when they see you getting all the attention. Good luck with what ever you decide, sometimes I think we better off alone than to put up with someone that we have to fight every day. I'm old now I just want peace in my life.
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
12 May 09
Oops, sorry! I meant we're going to celebrate Mother's Day on Wednesday, tomorrow, because it's one of the days my oldest son has off work. My memory sure isn't what it used to be!
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
11 May 09
Aw sweetheart, my heart just bleeds for you! But stay strong. Once you have moved and started over without this jerk, trust me, you'll be better off and much happier and can see and spend with your sons whenever you want.
My first husband was a jerk too. He didn't drink like that, but he couldn't be bothered to acknowledge a special day if his life depended on it. He never, ever bought a gift for me or the kids for our special days, not even Christmas! For years I actually forgot when our wedding anniversary was because he never did anything to remind me. I'm surprised he didn't make me forget my own birthday!
I'm so glad you have somewhere to move to. The sooner you get rid of this toxic influence in your life the better. My thoughts and hugs are with you!
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
11 May 09
Well, there's only so much you can do if he refuses counseling. But the one thing you CAN do is deny him the power to make yourself feel bad because of his actions. You are having your celebration on Wednesday and if you think you're going to let him make you feel bad about it, deny him that power by not telling him. Please. You are giving him power over you and he doesn't deserve to rent that space in your brain. You control your feelings, not him. Be happy in the times you share with your children and don't let him control your feelings.
My Mother's Day wasn't the best but it was okay. My youngest called me on Saturday and my other son called me last night. I called my mom and went to visit my dad and stepmom. Dad took us out to dinner. I love my stepmom and took her a box of her favorite candy, they gave me a beautiful pink rose. Dad didn't look so good, he's 86 and I don't think he'll be around much longer as he has a bad heart that they've done everything they can for. It's just a waiting game now. So I'm grateful that I once again got to spend a few hours with him and I love my stepmother but I wish I could have seen my own mom and my boys.
It could've been worse but it could've been much better. Again, I controlled it--I didn't have to move away from my children so I deal with being away from them.
1 person likes this
@moonlitmagikchild (22181)
• United States
14 May 09
i dont see how you put up with that crap! he would have me so stressed out i would have an ulcer or something.. well at least him wanting to move out of that house just takes care of that issue in the whole thing.. ugh..
@moonlitmagikchild (22181)
• United States
14 May 09
i was wondering if you had heard anything but figured you would have emailed me lol.. well im glad your handling all his bs well.. if you have a way to get to the post office you should ebay your stuff so you can stock pile the money for your "new" life after him
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
16 May 09
Don't set him any ground rules. I've been in this spot. Keep packing your stuff and focusing on getting your own place. You are in a better spot than I was as you at least have a place. I actually started by moving out of the bedroom and then began packing my other stuff. I did not take anything that would compromise his household. I left with just my personal belongings and started up over from scratch...completely and with 3 kids. you can do this. He sounds like he has the potential to be physically abusive. just worried about you.
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
16 May 09
Aw, thank you Sid... don't worry. I doubt strongly that this man would ever become physically abusive. Oh, he could... he's human... but he would rather go off to a corner and lick his wounds (his self-inflicted wounds).
I've already mentioned moving out of the bedroom because of his snoring and sleep apnea keeping me awake or waking me up. He also has an incredibly strong 'gag reflex' and I wake up hearing him gagging every morning when he's in the shower. ALWAYS a nice thing to wake up to, huh? 
That's another issue I've had with him: his sleep apnea and gagging all the time. That's something that can be taken care of quite easily with a little surgery to that hangie-down thingie in the back of our mouths, yet he refuses to do anything about it. I made an appointment for him [which he asked me to do] to have a sleep study done to deal with his sleep apnea on June 1st. Want to place a bet on whether or not he goes?
Luckily, for now, we have a king-sized bed and I sleep as far over to the side as I can. But, we don't have any other beds in the house right now. I have two beds in my other house that I was planning on moving up here, but now they'll just stay there. I can sleep on the couch, which I've already done several times. I actually get a MUCH better night's sleep on that couch... it's sooooo comfy!
That's another issue I've had with him: his sleep apnea and gagging all the time. That's something that can be taken care of quite easily with a little surgery to that hangie-down thingie in the back of our mouths, yet he refuses to do anything about it. I made an appointment for him [which he asked me to do] to have a sleep study done to deal with his sleep apnea on June 1st. Want to place a bet on whether or not he goes?
Luckily, for now, we have a king-sized bed and I sleep as far over to the side as I can. But, we don't have any other beds in the house right now. I have two beds in my other house that I was planning on moving up here, but now they'll just stay there. I can sleep on the couch, which I've already done several times. I actually get a MUCH better night's sleep on that couch... it's sooooo comfy!
@sxrxnrr45601 (1171)
• United States
11 May 09
Mine was not a complete lose. My b/f was acting like a butt head for a while and I spent the morning at the emergency room. Everyone kinda of forgot it was mothers day lol lol. My kids are still yet young. I did ask my B/f to just do the dishes for me for mothers day but that dint happy. He made the comment that "I wasn't his mother" I told him it wasnt called Your mothers day its called mothers day for all mothers just not his. Maybe when my kids are older it will be better. And if your husband is jealous of you sons. Tell him if he treated you like your boys did than there would never be a problem. If he drinks like you say he does than you do not need him any way. You have your boys at least. Happy mylotting and you will be in my thoughts.
1 person likes this
@Mikaela_taz25 (1842)
• Philippines
11 May 09
That's really really sad to hear mental ward. but you know, it's natural for him to get jealous knowing that he was supposed to do something and then some else get's to do it. my hubby feels that most of the time when some one else is doing his home work. i am always asking whether he gets jealous of other people doing his home choir.finally,
he admitted after months of attempted conversation.he is honest now with me and i tell him that he can do other things besides the one he used to , he'd ask if he can do something else and say sorry because he didn't do what he's supposed to do.He's pride starts kicking in. try to talk to him like you would comfort him in way. some men can act childishly when jealous.
. @ckral00 (23)
• United States
12 May 09
My mom sort of ruined mother's day for me this year. My mom is a very stubborn person and only cares about herself. And I honestly think she goes out of her way to ruin my siblings and my life. Well she pushed my youngest sister to far and my sister walked out. Pushed my sister so har that she signed her daugther over to my mom in the heat of the moment. When I tried talking to my mom about how she is she said that I wasn't there and I didn't know what it was like living with my sister. I got upset cause she did the same thing to me but instead of signing my son over I moved a state away back to where my dad and all of my family is. So my mom isn't talking to me right now. I sent her an email saying happy mother's day but I haven't gotten anything back.
My ex ruined things for me ALL the time. He never remembered anything except his birthday and his ex's birthday and their anniversary. I only got something from him for my birthday because I counted down and told him that he HAD to buy me something cause I bought something for his birthday. And Christmas. I bought him something for ever special holiday. Valentine's, Father's day, his birthday, our anniversary of when we moved in together and christmas. And I put alot of thought into the gifts. For our last anniversary I bought him Heroes season 2 cause he had season 1 and he really wanted the second season. Well he kicked me out for our anniversary. It was a few weeks later than our actual anniversary but it still hurt. We'd been together for 2 years and he kicked me out.
So this year for Mother's day all I got was a poem and a biography project that my son did for me in school. Don't get me wrong I loved it. But I would of at least like to have gotten something from someone significant or have someone taken my daughter out and helped her pick out a present for me.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
13 May 09
Personally I would think maybe he feels left out when your sons are around. He might feel like you are wanting to spend more time with them than him, and so he tends to want to make life miserable for you. What you might need to try is planning things that you can all do together, and give them all a chance to get to know one another, and then go from there. If that still does not work, you might just have to find out what you're really wanting and needing from your life, and make decisions on what you need to do from there.
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
18 May 09
I hope things are looking better for you - whatever you have decided to do. Right now I'm pretty lucky. My husband actually goes overboard with all that. I'm not that big into celebrating specific days - I shoulda been a mormon or something.
This mother's day was spent driving around delivering presents I had bought for my mom, 2 sisters and a good friend. It was lots of fun to see everyone, but other than that it was just a normal day.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
16 May 09
No...No one ruined my mother's day or any holiday lately and that would be because I am single and loving it! I was married twice and had one other live in relationship and in both the 2nd and 3rd...the exe's were so mean and spiteful toward my kids that I had from previous relationship that it made the relationship impossible. The 3rd one...I was engaged to and thankfully did not marry. I did what you are doing now...I went thru my things and packed and planned on moving out...I did not have a place like you do but I found one. I love being single now and would never put myself in that spot again. I date tho and I've found this is not anything unusual. Most guys, I date end up being jealous of my kids,family and friends and interfere in a negative way. It ends things pretty quickly as I won't deal with it. Being jealous of family, friends is a really huge red flag for you ...actually it is more like a neon flashing banner. I'm sorry you had a bad mother's day. I hope that in the future you don't let this guy or any guy interfere with your kids and family times!
@jdyrj777 (6530)
• United States
15 May 09
I used to have a guy like that. Not any more. Its really a shame that some guys have to be like that. Its not like we hide the fact that we have children from them. They just act like its ok to them but its not really. This ex of mine even accused me of being lovers with my daughter. Talk about a twisted mind. In fact in his mind everyone i knew was supposed to be my lover. Old, young, male or female.
@greeneyedlady (1439)
• Netherlands
14 May 09
No Hubby treats me like a Queen on Mother's Day and every other day of the year for that matter and as far as my family goes he loves them and he knows there is absolutely nothing to be jealous of as he is the one I sleep with every night.
I am sorry but I think I am way off on this. I thought, which obviously I am mistaken, that you wrote quite some time ago that you were leaving your husband then because of his drinking and you, your sons and he could not get along and I thought, mistakenly again, that you had already sold your other house for some reason but I am glad that I am wrong and you have a place to go. Personally if I had a place to go like my own bought and paid for house I would not spend another night in the house with someone such as this.
I do remember you stating before you were not in the best of health and needed help around the house but if he is not providing this help then what is the use in staying?
The only good thing I can see that came out of this since the last time I visited one of your posts is that your husband did get a job, so that is good but it doesn't do you much good since you won't be staying with him.
Sorry to hear about all of your problems but maybe soon you won't have a reason to vent so much because you will be much happier I hope.
Good Luck 
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
15 May 09
Thank you! I wish my husband thought like yours! He has absolutely no reason to be jealous. Maybe, because of his own childhood, he's pretty much isolated himself from the world since going out on his own and never really noticed what it took to be a good husband and/or father (step-father). Maybe he's selfish and greedy because he got so little from his parents.
I don't know exactly what his reasons are, but they're stupid! I THOUGHT I had made him see reason when we "discussed" his warped idea of being alone. He claimed we're not alone in our house because my sons live 12 miles away! Umm, excuse me, but... WTF???
I said I was going to divorce him earlier. The problem is that, at the moment, I have absolutely no income of my own except for what I make online and that's not much! That's the ONLY reason he and I are still living together. I have that other house but I still need money for food, electricity, insurance, taxes, etc. I have no doubt that I'll get awarded alimony, but that could take quite some time to get. I doubt very much that my husband would hand it to me voluntarily.
Once I get (ASSUMING I get) disability, he and I are going to have a little chat... one that I know he won't like but that's too bad. He can agree to, and GO to, counseling immediately, or we'll get divorced. No middle ground. I've heard enough of his false promises to wait around for anything to happen "later".
I've lost all the feelings I had for him. Well, I didn't lose them, he killed them. I honestly don't care which way he decides to go at this point. It would be much easier on everyone if he decides to go to counseling and it actually helps him, but I doubt very much that I'll ever feel anything for him again, at least not anything near what I felt when we were first married.
Once I have my own income, I'll have more weight behind my words and firmer ground to stand on. Hopefully, I'll hear any day now about my disability case.
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
15 May 09
Oops, I meant, "I've heard enough of his false promises to NOT wait around for anything to happen later."
@andy77e (5156)
• United States
17 May 09
I've seen this many times in blended families. I hate to say this, but this is a natural result of the choices made. Further, I wonder if you have considered just what you think will accomplished by blaming your husband, and claiming he ruined Mother's day?
What good do you think will come from that? After you nagged and accused, and tried to play a guilt trip on him, do you think he'll suddenly be really interested in becoming a better husband? I know I would not even want to come home.
Consider what type of example you are giving your children. You think they don't know? After already being scarred by divorce, you are showing them that a wife is someone who bad mouths her husband at every turn. That she bickers and accuses, and complains about his behind his back and to his face. Is that what you want to teach them? Remember that your children will largely turn out just like you. Consider your ways, and make a change.
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
17 May 09
Whoa! Back up! I didn't nag or accuse! That's not my style.
I never badmouth my husband to my sons. I never badmouthed their father to them. I wanted them to make their own judgements.
The way I handle these things is to become very quiet. I'll go off and do something on my own. I don't sit and sulk, either. I get busy doing something I enjoy doing.
I never once told my husband that he ruined Mother's Day. I spent it by myself, doing things I enjoy doing. I was very sad because it was either have my sons over and put up with HIS attitude, or not have them over and miss the fun.
No, you've got this backwards. HE'S the one who does the badmouthing, not me.
