My boyfriends family still care for bf's ex wife?

Philippines
May 16, 2009 7:32am CST
i finally got introduced to my boyfriend's family and they made me feel very comfortable some of the family members made me feel that they still cares for my boyfriend's ex wife... now im confused.. i dont know if they likes me... recently on my bf's father's funeral his brother invite his ex wife because they still consider her as a family member and it pained me.... what should i do? is it okay if i let my boyfriend know my feelings? i dont want him to think that im jealous.. PLEASE HELP!!! WHAT ARE THE WRITE WORDS TO TELL HIM IN A LETTER.. PLEASE HELP.. THANK YOU VERY MUCH
4 people like this
12 responses
@dismalgrin (2470)
• United States
17 May 09
If there are children involved, you will look like a big fat b***** if you try to interviene. But, if there are no children involved you have the right to stand up. It sounds like your bf is not the one that is inviting her to all these events. And so I wouldn't confront your boyfriend about it. Confront his family and let them know that they are being very immature to not let him move on with his life in peace. She ISN'T still part of the family at all. She made that choice when she went her own way. And if his brother feels that she is still family then maybe he should marry her. Because once those divorce papers are signed... she is no longer family. That's just the way it works. You don't deserve this anyhow so if they don't listen to you then you shoulf talk to your boyfriend and lay it on the line how you feel. Be ready to walk away from the relationship if you have to. Other women are a deal breaker for me. No matter what form they come in. My children's father was so wrapped up in his oldest daughter's life. He went to BOTH of her children's births but was only there for one of our children's births. She would ask him for money when she knew that we could barely afford to keep food in her infant sibling's mouths. And this dumb guy would do it all for her because he felt guilty about her mom keeping her from him when she was growing up! The last straw was when she started calling me when he was on business trips and telling me that he was seeing another woman, this other woman ended up being his cousin! Haha, I started laughing at her and telling her to stay out of our lives if she was going to act so childish. But, he wouldn't even believe what was going on. So, he is no longer in our lives. He made his bed. Now, he has to lie in it.
2 people like this
• United States
17 May 09
So if you become awesome friends with your hubby sister,and you get a divorce you automatically stop being his sisters friend???....family is even more seriouse. you dont just care baout someone as your own daughter to just one day drop her and loose all feelings for her because ur son doesnt want to be married to her anymore. if anything that made them more sympathetic for her.lol And im sure that if she goes and "confronts" his family. he will drop her like a hot potato.Even if he doesnt,im sure shell never be invited to a family even and what guy is ganna choose his girl over his mom???..mind you she is just a girlfriend.
• Philippines
17 May 09
hey there i really like your answer lol you made me feel oh sooo good.. they have a daughter.. and his ex wife wants to get back with and he said "no" for a reason.. for now im just being passive about things all i know is i love him. thats it! dont care at all..
• United States
17 May 09
I would never expect to be invited to family events of an ex. That would just be wrong. Now when my brother passed away my dad's new girlfriend came with him and my mom was there because it was her son... but that is TOTALLY a different story.
@lelin1123 (15645)
• Puerto Rico
17 May 09
Family members will always pick sides and for the most part especially if they were together for a long time. Its hard on all parties to deal with a new boyfriend or girlfriend if they like the previous wife or husband. You should just ask him straight forward how the family really feels and take it from there. Just be yourself and if you are a good person that will come thru and they will come around faster then you think. Just don't appear jealous or upset, that can ruin everything for you. Good Luck!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 May 09
thank you... now i know what to do thanks for helping out...
@bellaofchaos (11550)
• United States
16 May 09
Well hun I have to say that if she was married to him and she was part of the family there are going to be members of the family that still love and care for her. Especially if they were together for a long time and the divorce was civil and pleasant. I have an ex fiance that we broke up and me and his family are still on really good terms. I love his family they were great. He's now married and his family loves her too. People have enough room in their hearts to love more than one person and you can't have his family hate his ex just because they are no longer together. She still has history with his family. You didn't mention if they had any kids either .. If they have kids ofcourse she will be invited for the kids sake too. Look at that broader picture of life. Your boyfriend loves you, his family is getting to know you and so far they like you that is all that matters right? The most important thing is that your boyfriend loves you. It doesn't really matter what everyone else thinks. right? But you also have to realize she was part of their family for a length of time and to them she still is.. It doesn't mean that you can never be it just mean they still like and care for here too.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 May 09
thanks for that wonderful advice i really appreciate it. im not jealous at her i know the situation and i know he knew that i accept whatever his past is.. oh well when i met his family they're all warm and never made me feel left out. i even stayed for 4 days with them.. thanks
@jerzgirl (7978)
• Gloucester City, New Jersey
16 May 09
I wouldn't be too concerned at this point. My cousin was married once to a wonderful girl, but he treated her like garbage. We all loved her and continued to communicate with her after they divorced. He was still family, but she had divorced HIM, not US, so we didn't change how we felt about her. Granted, there were things she was no longer invited to because of his being there, but it didn't change how we felt about her. It could very well be the same thing in their family. They're not putting her ahead of you, but not cutting her off just because of him. I think it's nice when the family genuinely likes a person and doesn't hold a divorce against them.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
16 May 09
First every body should learn the word respect. I know his exwife is part of their life no matter what, but still they should think about you. Yes, we may not be jealous and were secured about our relationship but still they should consider your feelings. About your bf, tell him honestly what you feel. Tell him everything, what you feel about the whole situation and what you want.
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17926)
• United States
16 May 09
There's no law that says that, just because the family still likes your boyfriend's ex, they can't like you as well. Relationships are funny things. Depending on how the break up went down there isn't necessarily hard feelings and it doesn't necessarily mean that either partner did something horrible. I am still close to my ex-husband's family after we separated over 23 years ago but this is partly because we had children and partly because we still liked each other. My former sister-in-laws are still like sisters to me.
1 person likes this
@cicisnana (776)
• United States
16 May 09
I really don't know if I can give you any advice, just maybe some input on how the family may feel. My son in law is a much a part of our family as any part of our family is. I can't imagine my feelings ever changing. Even if something happens and things don't work between him and my daughter he will always be part of our family. The relationship we have with him is FABULOUS. Your boyfriends family probably feel the same way about their ex daughter in law as I feel about my son in law. I'm sure it has nothing to do with you at all. And I'm sure, in time, they will love you as much as they do her if you will prove to them that you are a good match for their son.
@cest_moi (207)
• Canada
16 May 09
Everything takes time, it takes time for his family to accept you, it takes time for him to reorganize his life, it takes time for you to merge into the family. Find a good time, a good place, to sit down and talk to him directly face-to-face as it seems more efficient this way than writing him a letter. When talking to him, be more understanding of the situation so he does not think that you are jealous as being jealous does not resolve anything but only to drive him away from you. Best of luck! Cest_moi
1 person likes this
• United States
16 May 09
I don't think you should write the boyfriend a letter. But just sit down and talk with him and tell him how you feel. You may not know the whole history between the ex and the family. It's hard being the new girl when the family likes the old girl but show them why they should like you and forget about her.
1 person likes this
@palonghorn (5486)
• United States
16 May 09
You didn't say how long they were married, but if it was for any length of time, and they left on good terms, she's going to be around. So if you love him and want to be in this relationship for a long time, or build a future together, put the jealousy away, and learn to deal with the fact that she will be around. When you date someone who has been married before, like it or not, it's a package deal. You have to take the good with the bad. I'm moving back to Texas, where my ex-husband lives, we were married for 16 years, our daughter and granddaughter live there also, as well as my parents. My ex checks on my parents for me from time to time. We have both moved on with our lives, but we talk on the phone at least once a week, as friends, but we also both know we are exes for a reason! My fiance already knows that my ex will be in the picture to some extent. But he also knows that he'll be welcomed into my family. He also has an ex-wife, however, none of his family liked her, so I have to show them that I am nothing like her. It's a package deal with baggage. Just remember: They are exes for a reason.
1 person likes this
@modstar (9612)
• Philippines
16 May 09
I think you should try to be a little bit more understanding. They've been through a lot so it's not easy to ignore. I can all you can do for now is to make a good impression so that your boyfriend's family will like you. Make a lasting impression which they will like. I guess you need to be close to them for them to get to know you better. Show them that you truly deserves their son.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 May 09
well you are only a girlfriend,so withen his family really you have no say. Mabey this was a veary good woman and mabey it was your boyfriend who screwed things up and thats why they are still friendly and caring towards her.do they have kids?? If so then youll def just have to deal with it for the next however many years....Be careful of what you say because he married her obviously he loved her at one point.and just because there was a divorce doesnt mean they feelings left. Im not saying there there BUT you dont know and in the end if you come off like oh well i dont want her around. he might choose her over you and that will hurt im sure... I can understand you saying somthing like look shes your ex wife and for her to be here at your house makes me veary uncomfterble but whenever it comes to family functions and your invited shes probally ganna be there and well all you can do is leave or stay and deal.... they had a life together,she lived as his parents daughter for awhile.When you love and care for someone you just cant turn them off instantly im sure this is why she is still around.....
• Philippines
17 May 09
THANKS,, oh well my bf's mom doesnt like her either, they broke up and divorced because she's a freakin lazy and she betrayed him, and she has depression.. he married her because she forced him to,(FOR HIS CITIZENSHIP) and even blamed him for giving her a daughter... the rest is history! and i dont freakin care about her coz shes freakin old and even wants to get back with my bf because her freakin mother wants to kick her out of their house FOR soo many freakin reason.. inshort this girl is a BUM... thanks for listening...