Avoiding arguments

@bamakelly (5194)
United States
May 18, 2009 7:58am CST
Whether in a marriage or special relationship do you feel that you need to walk on egg shells in order to avoid an argument? That is to say that would you rather hold your feelings and issues inside just to avoid confrontation? I personally feel that couples really need to be open about their feelings or else things could go down hill. Keeping the communication open is very important in a relationship. Any opinions?
4 people like this
23 responses
@Ritchelle (3797)
• Philippines
19 May 09
i think you're right with regards to speaking up. what should one walk on eggshells on, if i may say , is how to still have that rational sense in taking things in an impersonal and objective way.
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
19 May 09
It is not very comfortable to walk on egg shells in a relationship. I used that phrase to come across as feeling that one can't speak their mind or at least have a discussion with another person in a reasonable matter without some kind of heated argument arising. In a marriage or special relationship there should be common respect to each others opinions on what each person finds important. If one person shuts themselves out and doesn't want to listen then it is not a very mature way to act. It is true that being rational in a marriage is important. There is really no reason why heated arguments should happen if two people can have a level head. Take care.
1 person likes this
@Ritchelle (3797)
• Philippines
20 May 09
right you are there, friend.
@pickoy (735)
• Philippines
19 May 09
I only avoid an argument when things start to heat up and nobody is listening anymore. If both partners are at the peak of their emotions, its better to stop or both of you will be screaming and only the neighbor is listening... At that point both of them wants to be heard and its useless coz they're both not listening anymore. I usually stopped talking when I feel that my husband keeps on pushing his idea and when he's not listening by then he'll notice that he needs to keep things down and calm down for a while and then we both wait until both of us are ready to settle it. Its easier to settle an argument when both have cooled down. Its not really about winning it, but settling it.
2 people like this
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
19 May 09
That is probably a good idea to avoid an argument when things start heating up. Because at that point you figure that no one is going to be calm enough to listen or cooperate or even be able to offer any solutions. When two people can calm down and keep a cool head then things can work out reasonably. When one of you keeps pushing an idea and the other is not willing to listen then you need to stand back and put things into more perspective. It is really prudent in a relationship to just keep trying to accept the other person's opinions and remain eager to listen. It is also so true that no one really needs to win an argument. That is not what it is all about. Settling things and becoming better people after discussing issues is what is most important. Take care.
19 May 09
There just isn't a way of avoiding arguments. They are an inevitable part of communicating with people. It's a poor way of getting your point across, but with large groups of people or two large characters, they are unavoidable. I find you can avoid conflict by voicing your opinions there and then and not letting things build up inside you. Having said that some people find it inconsiderate if you speak your mind to forcefully. You just can't please all of the people all of the time. The trick seems to me to be forgiving and quick to make up after wards.
2 people like this
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
19 May 09
I suppose that you could be right when it comes to not being able to avoid arguments. I guess it is just in the way that you deal with them when they arise. You can either talk out your feelings or just remain silent and encourage more silent treatments and a bad feeling all around the relationship. Not letting things build up inside is also a good point you have gotten across in this discussion. I have found that things don't work out too well when I let things build up until I am practically simmering in anger and then I let things out and say things that I should not have. I am not a person that really speaks my mind too forcefully. There is a tendency for me to avoid confrontation. It has been in my personal make up for many years now. Since childhood. It had been inbred in me since I can remember and I am not sure how really.
• United States
18 May 09
I do think it's important to have open communication in a relationship and not have to walk on egg shells. Yet it's difficult to put into practice for me. I want to avoid a confrontation so I think about whether my issue is important and if I decide it's not that important I keep it to myself. If it's really important and I hold it in, the relationship begins suffering after so many of those issues get buried. Honesty is nice, but it sure can be tough.
2 people like this
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
18 May 09
Yes it is very important to keep the lines of communication open in any kind of relationship whether it is marriage or dating someone. Walking on egg shells just isn't a good way to live though. If communications can't be open with and dealt with in a mature manner than a relationship is bound to have future problems or issues. I also want to avoid confrontation and hold things in. Picking battles is something that comes to mind for me also in my own personal relationships. Holding things in can't be healthy either. Problems that you hold inside can have a way of eating away at you and then you suffer from illness or something else. It is true that honesty is a good thing but it can be tough also. Take care and thanks.
@alharra (508)
• United States
18 May 09
I feel the same way about arguements if having the arguement gets you anywhere. I won't fight with someone if I feel like I'm beatin my head against a wall though. All that accomplishes is someone getting their feelings hurt so bad that someone says something that they don't mean and can't be taken back. For instance- I went to a concert with my fiance and my best friend about 6 months ago. My fiance and I got separated a few times but my bf and I stayed together. Towards the end of the night I lifted my fiances keys because I wasn't sure how much he had had to drink and I gave them to my frind. I was going to let her decide if he could drive. For whatever reason my firned gave him the keys back. In any case I got to listen to my fiance say mean awful things all the way home- an hour and a half away. HE even threatened to put me out on the side of the road. After that I don't argue with him much anymore. Things are better with us but all I can do is remember the awful things he said and worry about what he will do if he gets that angry again.
1 person likes this
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
18 May 09
I can see your point of view. Always remember that you deserve to be treated well. It is a possibility to confront your partner without any kind of fight or argument ensuing. There are going to be differences in opinions and issues. It is just not a good thing if arguments lead to name calling or hurting others' feelings. You did the right thing however by taking keys from someone that could have been drinking too much. I would say though that in a situation like yours if you are still with this man that got out of hand while drinking and threatened you then you might want to watch out for your self and your own well being. It is a good thing if you are now able to work things out and discuss things calmly but then again you don't really want to wait until another big issue comes up again. I am just saying this to you out of concern. You want to be happy and you deserve to be treated well.
1 person likes this
@alharra (508)
• United States
18 May 09
Things are better between us but I am still hesistant to fight with him. Most of our problems are related to my kids and how he wants them to act. To be honest with you I think that if I had a job that would allow me to take care of myself and the kids without help I would probably get rid of my fiance. Not because I don't love him just because I have decided that I would rathjer do it on my own. I would rather not be second-guessed and told that I'm not hard enough on the kids etc. I just think ultimately I would be happier alone.
1 person likes this
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
18 May 09
I can understand that you love your fiance but you still want to make sure that you and your children are happy. I want to stay on topic and make sure that I point out to you that when you get married you are bound to have some kind of confrontation about something whether it be money or something else. I feel that if you are uncomfortable now it could possibly get worse after you do tie the knot. If you really do love this person than the lines of communication should remain open and then you can see how he will receive your opinions. If it seems that he will not compromise or makes you feel uncomfortable about how you raise your children then you might want to sit back and evaluate some things before going forward. This is just advice from a woman that has some experience. I am sure that you have had your share of experiences but I have had some tough ones that I needed to learn from.
@sanuanu (11241)
• India
18 May 09
what do you mean by walking on Egg Shells? I know that I should keep cool to avoid arguments but somehow or another I can't keep cool and we get the arguments on and on and on, which is bad. I don't like but what to dO?
1 person likes this
• United States
19 May 09
Sanu- "Walking on Egg Shells" is a cloquialism. It means to be very careful in what you say, that you feel you walking on your tip toes around the person being careful not to say anything that the person may become angry at. Does that help make sense? I sometimes loose my temper as well, and even if it is in the right I will apologize, and I always apologize if I am in the wrong. I try not to allow it to occur, and have found that simply doing deep meditative breathing at times does help me to stay focused and not react negatively or with hostility. I've also found that if I force myself to whisper when I'm angry helps because it calms both parties down. Namaste-Anora
2 people like this
@sanuanu (11241)
• India
19 May 09
Thanks for the explanation about egg shells, I have heard that phrase for the first time
1 person likes this
• Philippines
19 May 09
when im still married, i just keep quite everytime we have problem. I just ignore the problem and let it go but now when im looking back, i think if i open the communication and tell my ex husband what the problem are, maybe were still together. if maybe i tell him what i feel, my fear, my jealousy and my goals maybe my married is still intact. But now im different everytime i have problem with people, i tell them straight what i feel. But with my mom, i do it differently because she is too old, i just keep quite every time we have conflict.
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
19 May 09
That is what I am talking about. Keeping issues inside of ourselves for fear of upsetting our partner could end up in a way that we wished it would not have. You are not longer with your husband I take it. Well, I am sorry that you have separated especially if you feel that you might have been able to change things had you just opened up and told him what you were feeling. There is a reason for everything though. Your marriage might not have been able to last no matter what you tried or didn't try to do. This experience has seemed to change you in a good way though. You say that now you are able to tell people how you feel. That is a good step forward. By the way. I can understand where you are coming from about your mother. There are some people that might be too delicate in their feelings that you basically want to avoid confrontation only because you care for them so much. Nothing wrong with that. Thanks for a great response.
@aikhong (664)
• Malaysia
19 May 09
Ya, i'd say that sometimes it depends on the situation, whether to hold the feelings inside first or to oepn it up and discuss with the other half. It's actually not a good time to talk or discuss when two of the people are not in good mood, probably they just won't listen to each other's explaination. So, in that situation, it will be best to hold the issue and discuss later when the 'heat' goes down. When it's the time suitable to talk, then it's the time both have to be open and communicate.
1 person likes this
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
19 May 09
You raise a pretty good point about it depending on each situation. That does make sense. Sometimes you do need to know when the right time is to approach someone about an issue concerning you. There could be times when it is not a good time to talk and if we know our partner well enough we might be able to know that it is not a particularly good time to start discussing things. There might not be anything really wrong with continuing or starting a discussion later on. Things could still be resolved in a mature and reasonable matter.
@deejean06 (1953)
• United States
18 May 09
Hi bama...I do think that open communication is key in any relationship. If another person cannot be honest with you at all times, then there is something lacking in the relationship. I don't hold my feelings inside when it comes to my true friends and certainly my family. I thought that a co worker was also a friend and opened up to her about how she had hurt my feelings. She just laughed and rolled her eyes. So I don't consider her a friend anymore. Obviously someone who has so little regard for one's feelings has little regard for that person.
• United States
19 May 09
Deejean- I just wanted to say it's good to see you back posting. I haven't seen you in ages, it seems. I agree with being honest at all times, and it's important we tell others what hurts our feelings. Hopefully they will be compassionate toward us. It's a shame this person showed so little compassion in the situation at hand, and I'm sorry she hurt your feelings. I hope you have a wonderful week. Namaste-Anora
• India
18 May 09
Both hubby and me have always been open with each other to the extent that we had fisticuffs on more than one occassion. Both of us believe that keeping quiet is extremely pernicious to the healthy growth of relationships. Of course it has helped that we are of same age, were actually college friends and both quite garrulous when we are in the mood for it. Sometimes my husband does give me the silent treatment and I give it back to him too in my own time, but mostly we are just fighting and making up.
1 person likes this
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
19 May 09
It is a good thing to be open with one another in a relationship. Keeping things cool and maintaining a conversation about important issues can be key to helping a marriage survive. You are right in the fact that keeping quiet isn't very good toward a healthy relationship. You shouldn't keep your partners guessing or play games. Somewhere in the end someone could end up feeling hurt or left out. I don't like the idea of silent treatments. That is also something else that can hurt a relationship. Any time a partner shuts down and feels that they need to walk on egg shells is a sign there is time for changes.
@chillpill90 (1937)
18 May 09
no i feel that if there is a issue to talk about even if it will result in a argument then you should tlk about it but without shouting. I agree with you that coupples need to be open and communicate every couple argues sometimes its only natural.
1 person likes this
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
18 May 09
There might be some people that feel the same way as you. I just don't like an argument to ensue or have confrontation. Sometimes I feel that my opinion is wrong and I tend to back off too easily. I have to be right sometimes, you know? I agree that if you can bring up something in a relationship that might incur confrontation then it is a good thing if shouting can be avoided. It is possible to avoid shouting. I have done it before and it seemed to work once in a while. Every couple has an argument here and there. It is true that it is only natural. Thank you for your opinion.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20248)
• United States
18 May 09
I use to agree with this until I lived with my Hubby 24/7 since retirement I don't want to argue. This is him main source of entertainment and I just don't like to get involved, mainly because I have lived with the games people play and I just don't enjoy it anymore.
@palonghorn (5490)
• United States
18 May 09
I was in a relationship like that for 3 1/2 years, walking on eggshells, not wanting to cause any drama. And you're right, the relationship didn't last. However, I'm in a relationship now, that either of us could tell the other anything, and it wouldn't really cause an argument, we'd just discuss and resolve whatever the issue is.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
18 May 09
It is better not to start. This is better for me. Cooling your head and trying not to speak is much better for me than to start up a heated argument which will never benefit me. It does not matter for me if i am the one who is right. Sometimes, what is important is to hear out more than speaking. I tend to listen more and speak less. In this way i am able to understand a person better specially my husband. We do talk less and hear more on each other. In this way we better understand and end up a fight easily. It is natural to have fights in a relationship. But we know how to draw the line in terms of this. Being patient is better and taming our tongue is really important. So to avoid arguments, all that i have mentioned is really important in a relationship.
@onlydia (2808)
• United States
18 May 09
Yes I think so as well, as long as it is not hurtful as some people can be really hurtful when trying to lat someone know how they feel. So as long as it is in a proctive way then yes.
1 person likes this
@TLChimes (4845)
• United States
18 May 09
Balance... like with anything. I pick my battles. I have a house full of people with issues...I have to pick important things to worry about. I let a lot go that I wouldn't from a "normal" person because I know there isn't the same intent when the members of my house handle things badly. I also know that how I handle things is a model for the rest. I'm teaching my special needs husband as much as I am the kids. It's tough if I'm not feeling well and stuff falls out of my mouth without hitting my brain first. Being honest doesn't always have to lead to an argument. You can respectfully say what needs to be said or find a way to show how you feel. My husband was being mean on the phone. I told him that the next time he did that, I wouldn't take his calls. I grounded him for 15 minutes from calling me. It worked when I took his next call he had calmed down and we hadn't needed to fight. I got home and calmly, in passing, reminded him that I won't fight over the phone and I won't listen to him when he does it. It brought it home to him in a way he could understand. No yelling or fighting from my side at all. BUT each person needs to be handled in their own way. What works for one person might not for another. Use honesty but in away the partner, child, or who ever, can understand.
1 person likes this
@soulist (2987)
• United States
20 May 09
My boyfriend and I are trying hard to avoid arguements. We make a point to voice our opinions and say things when we feel it instead of letting it all build up and then explode on each other. We talk about our opinions and respect each other for it and don't put the other's ideas to the back burner or anything.
• Hong Kong
22 May 09
You two are doing very well, I am probably the worst to do it, I am the one who lose temper when we don't share the same thoughts, but luckily my hubby knows I need more times to calm down, he forgave me when I said something really bad to him, I know we should respect each other, but that's really hard to do if I am losing my control.
@HelloMickey (1663)
• Hong Kong
22 May 09
I used to think like that, as I like my hubby knows exactly how I feel. But the truth is when both of us have very different point of view on an issue, it probably can put us to a flight and we may not probably agree with other, what if we both keep trying to persuade the other to believe what we believe on? My hubby does very well, he is a person who always avoid confrontation and hold his feelings and issues inside when argument is about to start, but that doesn't mean he will hold it forever. He will talk to me later when I am calm down a bit. I learnt it a lots from him, he is indeed a very good person and I know what patience can make us better in our marriage. Sometimes, hold down our feelings for a while and let's us rethink about the issue, maybe we will have different feelings and at least we did not say something bad to the other and makes thing worst. So I try to keep my feelings for a while but at the end I will tell him this, I still learn it and hope I can hold my feelings for longer period of time, then we can communicate in a better atmosphere and always the results come out better than I thought it would be.
@jbrooks0127 (2329)
• United States
21 May 09
Without question communication is critical to a successful relationship. When you do not air issues you are in effect saying you are okay with what ever the other person has to say. I am very guilty of this and try my best to keep away from arguments. This is in spite of the fact I can see it is not the right approach. In my first marriage I could not express myself when it needed to be done and it cost me. She told me at one point that we have been married for all these years and yet I feel like I don't really know you. My feeling inside, which I expressed to her at the time, was I just could not understand why she felt that way. I felt like I was like an open book. But in retrospect I see I was anything but. I tried to avoid confrontation and in so doing did not let her know what I felt about anything I knew would lead to an argument. I am married again and I fear have not completely learned my lesson yet. But I am working on it and I would advise anyone reading this that if you recognize this in your relationship please try to begin to change it. It takes both of you but it can be done and is sooooo important.
@ANTIQUELADY (36491)
• United States
20 May 09
i think communication definitely needs to be kept open but i think more times than not it is not. when u don't let what's bothering u out it just grows & grows. alot of people are just not easy to talk to. sometimes i'm not myself. i am stubborn as a mule but at least i admit it.