honesty

Philippines
May 29, 2009 9:15am CST
I've been married for 14 years now,me and my husband started to have an intimate relationship through a lie, a lie that eventually led to another, and another, and another. A lie that caused me not to trust my husband until now, even if he tries his best to convince me that he is telling the truth on some things. Would you blame me if I don't trust him at all up to now? I blame him for lying to me since the very start of our relationship since because of that lie, we had to become boyfriends, and eventually, marry.
1 person likes this
7 responses
@rsa101 (16267)
• Quezon City, Philippines
30 May 09
Well right now what are you expecting to solicit from him. Do you still love hi despite the several times he has failed your trust? I think the thing that could answer you is you. You have endured 14 years of your married life with him. Can you endure another 14 years of not trusting your husband because you were betrayed by him. Is this the life that you want for the rest of your life. As for me there are only two solutions. One, you can live with him and forgive him and enjoy your life with him with full confidence and trust and have a blissful and happy life with him. Or if you cannot forgive him that you cannot give him your trust again live separately and try to find yourself again forgiving yourself and be the best and happiest person without him around.
• Philippines
31 May 09
I am opting for you second opinion, to separate from him, off course to reduce the agony, frustration, disappointment, etc.that I am having now. The problem is, he won't, he never did. Even if I kill him literary. How's that. Husband and wife problems like this happen all the time in most marriages, I know, may you be of different race. It's just that, I am not the type of person that can tolerate shortcomings from anyone. I hate people who are dreadfully dishonest to the bone. The habitual lairs.I don't know, it hurts so much being lied upon, but sad and embarrassing to admit on my part that I still dearly love him. Maybe it's the way he is. Just have to accept it. Right? Thanks for the response.
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (16267)
• Quezon City, Philippines
31 May 09
I see a contradiction to your statement that you are desiring to separate from him but then you said you dearly love him. What does love mean to you? Of course, we despise being lied upon but despite that we continue to love? Why is that? For me to choose the second option there is no love that is left on your heart for him Only then can you say that you can be freed from your dilemma. But I still feel that there is love in your partnership, for as long as there is love trust can still be restored and be happy about how things are with you in your life.
• United States
29 May 09
Lies are never good for relationships. I have been married for 13 years and my husband and I have had our share of problems. He kept some things from me and he didn't think of it as lying since he just didn't tell me. Well I understand how hard it is to wonder if now he is telling the truth. You really do need to discuss this with him and maybe even look into counseling. It takes time to gain trust. you would find out if he was lying about other things and if he hasn't been then you should believe him that he has been telling the truth and that is a start. If he is trustworthy on some things (like he says he will be somewhere and he is) then you should be able to trust him on other things.
• Philippines
31 May 09
It would really be nice to discuss things like this with the other person involved, but would you rather do it if all he can say is I'm not lying"? I had a proof already, he saw it to, the problem is, he still denies and deviates the facts for argument. How depressing this is to me. So, I'd rather treat him with what they call "silent treatment". To this day, I've been ignoring him, it hurts so much, but what can I do? I'm hurt nga eh!thanks for the response.
• Netherlands
30 May 09
Hi Jinemie, I think the most important is to be honoust to yourself. Do you think you could ever live with the lies he told you? Do you still love him or do you feel trapped cause you are already 14 years together? If you feel you could never trust him, you should be honoust to yourself but also to your husband because then it will go from bad to worse and keeping that relationship seems not a wise thing to do. If you do feel that you could forgive your husband but just not for now you should ar first give it some time. Time heals all wounds is something which does apply here. If you want the relationship to became a success you should try to forgive your husband (forgiving is not forgetting) and make a fresh start. Talk it all out and give each other another chance. If he would lie to you again than at least you have tried to work it out and you can blame yourself for not trying. Just think about it, relationships should make you a happy person. if it doesnt make you happy than you don have a good relationship and you should consider if you want to try more or end it. A relationship is not sacred and not an obligation. Wish you all the best, goodluck, Alex
@ckyera (17261)
• Philippines
30 May 09
i can't blame you on how you feel. lying is really one thing that can make us mad with one person and trust is important for a relationship to last. now the question is, do you still love him? if yes why don't you give him another chance and forgive him for what he have done... i know its not easy but thats the only way you can save your relationship. i have gone through that situation also...when my husband & i are still bf/gf. he betray my trust by having an affair with another girl and it drives me crazy...but i love him and give him another chance...and he proves to me that he is sincere and deserves to be forgiven, now we're living happily and peacefully. i hope you & your husband will be ok again...blessings! :-)
@dodo19 (34023)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
29 May 09
Honesty is important in a relationship, and I can't say that I blame for being angry about this. I'd be angry as well, if I were in your situation. It's not easy to be in a relationship to begin with, and it makes even harder, when your partner keeps lying to you, over and over again.
@sunshine4 (8709)
• United States
29 May 09
It is understanding that you don't trust him. You should, however, let him earn that trust back. If you always have in the back of your mind that he might be lieing to you then how can you have a good relationship? You have to find a way to forgive him and get over it to save your marriage.
@meandmy3 (2228)
• United States
29 May 09
I would be angry as well and have a hard time trusting him again. Have you thought of counsling??