Do we care too much for our parents or we really think they can't?

@mimpi1911 (25454)
India
June 2, 2009 7:04am CST
I have a thought about how people treat their old parents. We think, our parents, being old cannot do stuffs all by themselves. We try to assist them in buying tickets, reserving and queuing, doing their errands. But they are the ones who have taught us all these and have been doing the world all through the years, all by themselves! Then why we think that they can't manage? Is it because they are old and we care and love them more than or lives or is it that we are not confident in them anymore?
8 people like this
19 responses
• United States
2 Jun 09
I work with the elderly every day. That is my job. I can tell you that many get to the point and rather quickly that they can not fend for themselves. It is the selfish thought that they taught us how to, why cant they that makes the elderly unsafe. Every day I work with the elderly whos children thought the same things and did not prepare... Many have broken hips, strokes, and many more issues. Please do not just assume your parents are okay. If you want to sleep better at night, get them evaluated by their doctor before you assume they do not need you. I am not trying to point fingers at you or your opinions. I just want to bring to life this terrible myth that our elderly are fine. They were there when we needed them, we need to be there now that they need us.
2 people like this
@mimpi1911 (25454)
• India
2 Jun 09
I appreciate your thoughts. But, I am sorry you got me completely wrong. I was wondering at some people's apprehensions that their parents can't fill a form or can't really do stuffs online or even that they can't manage the tele callers. It surprises me because we got to learn our basics from them only! Here am not talking about not caring about elderly people and leaving them to themselves nor even dis regarding them. I think we love our parents more than our lives, I do, and just do not want them to do stuffs that might not be interesting. Thanks.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
2 Jun 09
Your very nice discussion, mimpi1911. I salute and appreciate it very much. During Beijing Olympics 2008 on August 8 at 7:45am, my mother passed away and March 15, 2009_10:10 am, my father followed my mother step leaving me with no more biological parents. So, once gone only the memories of sweet, sour, bitter, etc. be the virtual parents of mine. So, for those who still got parents(alive) in their life circle, be the best to both of them before they leave without return back for us to say sorry. I'm feeling bad because unable to render my noble service to them as a good son to both of them to the utmost level, at the same time feel elated and satiated as I've done to my best efforts as I can as done.
@Archie0 (4669)
2 Jun 09
I will. i dont like hospitals or nursing homes, so i will have a nurse come to my home when i can not afford to stay home any longer to take care of them. u just here of too many cases of people getting hurt somehow.
2 people like this
• Malaysia
2 Jun 09
No problem, Archie0. Do what you think the best for them to enjoy their final time. The main thing is, not feeling guilty after they have gone to the next world. If we are the one gone earlier than them, it doesn't matter. Whatever, our heart never lie to us. Ask our heart, absolutely it gives the final answer. Cheers! Archie0.
@kalav56 (11502)
• India
2 Jun 09
It is our way of showing our affection for them mimpi.Sometimes, when we know thwy can still manage we still would do these small things. They have done innumerable things for us and it was their way of pampering us.Now we tend to feel like pampering them .This is most valid when parents have pampered their children a lot and moreso when they do not expect any pampering from their children.If there are righteous expectations and slightly insensitive demands then the case becomes slightly strained and this pampering does not take place.But it is all a case of mutual investment.
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11502)
• India
2 Jun 09
Only now I read your other response.But if it is a matter of filling forms it is not wrong even if you make your mother or father do it [with a pencil] first; they are still not too old right now and so they won't mind. This practice makes them used to it and makes them alert even in their old age. In your question itself I s ee a bit of both answers and that is why I have written this. Making them do a bit of writing does not speak poorly of your extra love and in fact it would help them in the long run.My mother was thrown into the world at the age of 51 and she was quite desperate at one point of time.She learnt to do everything herself and managed an incapacitated husband [till I appeared on the scene after 10 years of my father's sickness.]all by herself.I taught her to fill in payin slips and I have also taken Grammar classes for her.[she was a student among my group of student housewives much later].
1 person likes this
@balasri (26553)
• India
2 Jun 09
Though they taught us the things they are now not that agile with their slow reactions and constricted movements.And senility too is an adverse factor which prevents them from being as brisk as they were young.I think that these factors make us to help them in the chores they taught us.
1 person likes this
@UK_Shree (3604)
2 Jun 09
I think it is probably a combination of both things actually. I guess we want to take good care of them as I am sure most things become that little bit harder as we get older, and it probably is because we love them so much. I know that when my parents get older I do not want them to struggle one little bit. I am sure they will always be capable, but things will not be as easy to do as they are for them now.
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14695)
• United States
2 Jun 09
I think it's a natural reaction for us to help our parents when they age as they helped us while we were growing up. It's partly that we love them (mostly) and partly because we know that age does tend to slow people down, including their brains. I think that wanting to help them is quite a natural thing, even if they ARE doing well physically and mentally. It's also a great way to show them that they've done a good job of raising us to be able to handle things.
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
2 Jun 09
From my personal experience and point of view, honestly it's a mix of both. There are those things which might be strenous, uninteresting and time consuming. Say for example buying a ticket or getting something done at some Government dept. They would have done it a number of times more than me and would know much more. But it's because i care that i do it. Also one of the greatest reward a parent would have would be to see thier child do what has been taught to them. At the same time, I would do it to show them that i've grown up and i can take care of things both for myself and for them. It's my sense of caring and responsibility. Coming to the other side, sometimes i have got the feeling that times have changed and the ways of doing some tasks are different, people are different. I feel that i could do it better. It's like a sense of maybe i know better in today's world, with the advent of technology . Then there is over confidence in the self and impatience of wanting to get it done as soon as possible. This is not always the case, but i must admit that this has happened on a few occasions.
1 person likes this
@williamjisir (22903)
• China
3 Jun 09
Hello dear mimpi. Our parents have been taking good care of us, especially when we were young as kids. My parents are getting aged. But I have a great regret that I do not live close to them due to my working location, which is in another province. My parents live together and my mother is the one taking good care of my father, who is now eighty three years old without having a good eyesight. My mother is very considerate and thoughtful to my father and us children as well. My parents are old and I worry about them a lot as I can not see them frequently. I just made a phone call to my parents and had a chat with them for more than ten minutes after I finished the first paragraph of the response because your discussion made me miss them a lot more. I am glad that they are getting on well with their life, which is good news for me to hear. I wish my parents in good health as always. The same good wish goes to you and your parents, my dear mimpi. Thank you for the discussion. Take care.
@ellie333 (21029)
3 Jun 09
Hi Mimipi, I think because they have given so much to us we naturally want to give something back but my own parents are too far away for me to be of hands on help but if they did need anything I would travel, in fact my father is off on a three month advenutre in Thailand at the weekend so being active keeps them not needing help, however my brother did book everything online for him as he hasn't a computer. Huggles. Ellie :D
@derek_a (10902)
3 Jun 09
I think this may be a two-way thing with elderly parents. I noticed how parents and children seem to swap roles. I saw this with my own parents and I see it with others. It seems to start with the [adult] children sharing their accomplishments with their parents and then slowly the parents are actually hearing things they did not know before so the children start teaching the parents new things. Then many parents are happy to take on this role because they want to feel looked after. I believe this harks back to their own childhood when they were looked after - something that we all like to experience. - Derek
@macel19 (202)
• Philippines
3 Jun 09
I help my grand parents everyday, but for me it is not because I don'thave confidence with them but because they can't do it anymore physically. I guess it is up to their physical and mental abilities. There are old parents that can still take care of themselves even when there old and I guess those people should allow to do things on their own. Proper assessmement should be given.Say for example if our old parents already be dealing with aging issue it may become trapped in the cycle of caring for another, then it is the time that there should be a support to help them. As a family member when caring an elderly parent,we tend to support them on their physical needs most often. If those needs might used all one's energy, especially if the old parents have the difficulties of their own thats the time to intervene.I dont see it as loosing confidence with them it is just a way of helping them to make their life easier.
• Malaysia
3 Jun 09
Actually I think our parents not that old until everything also unable to do. Do not under estimate them. Just try to help them anytime needed. We should not help them only when someone tell us they are unable to do the thing.
• India
3 Jun 09
what i think it is not at all like we dont have confidence inthem but the fact is we know that they made me wt we are today, and so we try to assist them in any thing where they need our help or find difficulties. we know with time and age now they are not as strong as they before and we help them and assist them to minimise feeling of weekened from them. some times its also happened that our parants are knot having enough knowledge of new trends and technology so for that also we help them
@Jingoo (26)
• India
3 Jun 09
I thin we are not confident in them anymore. I think quite differently. I am unable to accept the fact that they are getting old which gets me to be very impatient and short tempered with them. I do not like to help them in everything and make them dependant on me. I still want them to be as they were and cant bear to see them so dependant to go to the supermarket, or even the fact that they are walking with a stick. When I loose my temper then feel guilty and repent. I dont like me anymore for doing this
@vickycity (155)
• China
3 Jun 09
I think old people can do everything. but as their son or daughter, we must do our best in take care of them. we can do something for them even if then can do that. it is not that we are not confident in them. just help them.
@CJay77 (4441)
• Australia
3 Jun 09
We do this because we care and love our parents and we want things for them to become easier and also because we know they're old. Back home, I go with my Mom when she wants to go somewhere and needs to do something, not because she can't handle it by herself but because I am more comfortable knowing that she'll have assistance when she needs to.
@riyasam (16578)
• India
3 Jun 09
old age brings about various problems which we see in our day to day life,but because we care for our parents we do certain thinge,even though we fully know that they are fully capable of doing it but we try to maake them feel more comfortable.
@subha12 (18453)
• India
3 Jun 09
I think you are right. May b as they are old, we think they can't manage now. so we tend to help them.It is something they also get happy when the children help them.
@PeacefulWmn9 (10424)
• United States
2 Jun 09
My mother is 86 as of last month, and now lives with my brother and his wife. She was adament about hanging onto her independence and living alone for as long as possible. We'd help her out as she needed it. I think the best thing we can do is allow our aging parents their independence and dignity for as long as possible. We do need to be alert, though, to the times they need our help and step up to provide it. Karen