The plot thickens...

United States
June 12, 2009 6:26pm CST
So, some of you may already know that my real mother and I have gotten back in touch over the past month or so. We had a huge falling out back about 4or 5 years ago and hadn't spoken since. Then last month she contacts me via Facebook. I got a simple message, 2 weeks later another message... so things are going really slow. So, earlier this week I got the third message, and this time she responded 2 days later. I finally gave her my e-mail, and for the past 2 days it's been about a dozen messages back and forth through the mail. In one message I asked if she was working or doing volunteer work. Last I knew she was living off welfare and disability, which isn't truly enough to survive! She's legally blind, so has trouble getting around sometimes. So she tells me no, she still stays home, but it's too difficult for her to get a job because now she's on dialysis 4-5 times a day. So I ask about the dialysis. She goes into this story about how when she found out about her kidney failure she thought she was going to die. She was on a different type of dialysis for a year and it made her terribly sick. Now this dialysis is better, and she's been on it 2 years, and from what I could tell, she's doing allright. She says she still has bad days though. She also was mentioning something today about high blood pressure and her doctors are worried she may stroke out. Then, as part of a conversation about my sister (who's only 14), my mother says that she's not sure she'll live long enough to see my sister graduate from high school. Now some of my friends, and even my husband, think maybe my mother didn't want to just "get in touch" with me after all these years. One theory is that she's going to ask me for a kidney. Another theory is that she's going to want me to take in my sister, (who I haven't seen or spoken to in 5 years also)because mother is dying. On one hand, my mother has been known to be selfish. I guess I'm just hopeful that her intentions are pure, but there's still a part of me that fears the worst. Perhaps my friends are right. Then of course that worries me. I can't give her one of my kidneys. I know she's my mother, but she hasn't been there. She was barely there before our falling out. She was barely there when I was kid... which is why I had a foster mom who I loved to death. She died 2 years ago.. I probably would have given her a kidney. But my real mother, I'm sorry, I just don't think I can. I just don't know what to do. My mom keeps talking about going to bingo, and I've been invited to a moving up ceremony at my sister's school. I'm excited to do these sorts of things. I finally spoke to my mother for 2 hours on the phone today and I really wanted to go see her at her house. But if her only intention in contacting me was to use me for a kidney, well I'll feel like I've been taken advantage of! I know the only thing I can do is wait and see what happens. So that's what I'm going to do. What would you do?
5 people like this
11 responses
13 Jun 09
It's a catch 22 as by the sounds of it you want to see your mum again and hope that her reason for gettin in touch is an innocent one but you fear being used and hurt. It makes sense to be concerned after your previous experiences. The question is if you decide not to see your mum will you be able to live with the nagging doubt that maybe just maybe her reasons for being in touch were innocent. Where as if you do make proper contact and it does turn out that her reasons are purely selfish then it will just compound those negative feelings towards her and although you will feel used that feeling will subside over time. No one can tell you which to do but personally I would get back in proper touch. Purely because if I didn't and it turns out that her reasons were innocent it would haunt me to my grave.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jun 09
I still have a lot of questions going through my head. I'm not thinking she is going to ask for a kidney. My husband and I spoke about it and we think she'd be behaving differently if that's what she wanted. I just still find certain things so odd, so I'm completely confused about it all. We'll see what happens.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
13 Jun 09
Well kats, I see that this is a very serious postition that your mom is putting you in and I don't blame you for being wary and you should be! As for giving her a kidney, that isn't so easy to begin with with. First, you might not even be a match! Second, you don't owe her anything and you have your own children to think of! Living with one kidney is dangerous for anyone even someone who is virtually healthy. As for taking in you sister, again that would also have to be your decision! And again, one that you would have to really consider! You already have your own children to worry about first and foremost! I guess you need to take one step at a time and see what she wants! If she is contacting you for something as serious and selfish as needing you for her own benefit after all these years and putting you in a foster home, quite frankly you don't owe her a thing as cruel as that sounds you and yours have to come first and no one would blame you for saying no to her!
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jun 09
I am not too worried about what to tell her if she asks for a kidney. What I am worried about is IF that is what she is doing all this for. I'll feel pretty darn upset if it turns out she's only contacting me for that one purpose.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
13 Jun 09
Well....I would take it very slowly....and try to see what kind of intent she has....I know that you probably have missed your mom...even when you don't see eye to eye with her, she is still your mom.....but I would take it slowly..see what happens and if things aren't the way you want them to be just back off a bit...
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jun 09
Yeah, time will tell. I'm not sure what to think or even how I feel about it all. Part of me is excited I have my mother back to talk to and stuff, but part of me is worried about what's going to happen.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11651)
• United States
13 Jun 09
I think you should try to keep the relationship going, regardless of the cause of it coming back to you. Even though your mother may be trying to warm up to you to ask for your help, you should take advantage of this and get to know her again. You may find that you actually do care for her and your sister and be able to make a fresh start of things. Your mother also may be realizing her own mortality and just want to make amends while she still has time. Don't close off any avenues yet, wait and see how it plays out. You may even realize that you might be able to help them both out in other ways. Best of luck to you!
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16194)
13 Jun 09
I admit that I too would be suspicious of her intentions to be honest. Giving someone a kidney is a big thing and I certainly would not just go and give one away to just anyone!!! I think I would just go with the flow of it and see what happens if it turns out that she does just want you for a kidney donation you know then that the relationship is over but just see what happens.
1 person likes this
@srganesh (6349)
• India
13 Jun 09
Do not cross the bridge until you reach it.Don't jump into hasty conclusions.Live this moment and enjoy being close to your mother and sister.Let us see to the future when it turns up.Until then be here and now.Cheers!
@reckon21 (3487)
• Philippines
13 Jun 09
I don't really know what's the real score between you and your mother. It must be very hard for you. But the good things is that both of you are slowly mending the fence of your shattered relationship. Forgiveness and acceptance is both important in fixing a broken relationship. Good luck to both of you.
@skysuccess (8882)
• Singapore
13 Jun 09
katsmeow1213, Tsk! Tsk! Is that all you can perceive and understand about your mother? If you do not want to donate your kidney, there will be no way getting you to do it. Even if you want to, there will be a need for you to undergo numerous tests to check for compatibility. Being your biological mother, I just cannot believe that you can harbor so much unforgiveness in your heart. Yes, she may have her past and selfishness. Even more, when she is dying from her condition, who isn't and who wouldn't be? Why don't you try and make her as happy and comfortable as you know and could do? She is approaching her last days so what is one of your kidneys going to do? Prolong her inevitable end by say a few more years? Even so, how much more? Wake up!!! She is your mother and like it or not she is DYING. Don't donate your kidney if you do not want to, but let me remind you if you had signed that organ donation form, someone will have it when you are gone. It may not be your mother after all. Stop treating everyone as if they have ulterior motives, and if I may remind you here, she is your MOTHER!!!! Good grief!
• United States
13 Jun 09
You don't know my mother, and you don't know the sort of life I had growing up with her. Before you judge someone and tell them what they should and shouldn't do, try walking a mile in their shoes.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
14 Jun 09
katsmeow1213, I am sorry if I seem to be judgmental here but let me assure you a 110% that I am not. All I am asking of you is that you should stop looking over shoulders every now and then after discovery something "new" about your mother. She is not some stranger of no relation to you. She may have a past and mistakes which made you sad or disappointed but do you want to be in her position where you will regret for not doing enough? I can understand that the both of you aren't really having an ideal or anywhere near normal mother and child relation. But, people do change and that includes your mother. So far, she has not mentioned anything about asking you to be a donor and if I am reading in between the lines I just feel similar to your friend Oreo here - who mention that she could be asking for sometime to get back some order for all the past years. People just like to die peacefully without any outstanding issues. No offense taken alright?
@jesssp (2743)
• Canada
15 Jun 09
Have you flat out asked her what made her want to get in touch with you? If you did then you would be able to gauge the sincerity of her response. It may very well be possible that she is coming to a lot of realizations now that she has limited time and maybe she genuinely just wants you in her life while she can. You said she's a selfish person and she could very well have selfish motivations for that. If you aren't prepared to lay all the cards on the table and ask her outright if she's hunting for a kidney or looking for you to take in your sister then I would use this time as much to your advantage as possible. Ask her any questions you have because you will never get another chance. Start with the ones that wont offend her and work up to the more sensitive ones. Then if she decides to cut you out again at least you wont have anything left up in the air. I understand why you feel the way you do and you truly don't owe her anything. So use this time to your advantage and find out all you can while you can. And if all her motivations are actually pure then hopefully you can just enjoy having a mother (and a grandmother for you kids) again.
• United States
15 Jun 09
I haven't come out and asked her anything, we've never had that sort of comfortability between us, ever! Saying something so brutally honest would upset her and likely get her not to speak to me ever again. But she's yet to actually mention either of these things, and I think that if she wanted something of that nature, she would have mentioned it by now.
@ersmommy1 (12605)
• United States
19 Jun 09
Taking things slowly is a good start. Since you have no intention of giving her a kidney stick with that. You have your reasons. If/when you get together she may bring up the kidney donation. Calmly give her your reason. If you think it would spark an argument, say simply I only have 2. One of my kids(Heaven forbid) may need one. I know you said that you haven't spoken to your sister in 5 years. If it were me I may look at it as an opportunity to re establish a relationship if you think it is possible. She is just a kid, she may want to, and not know how to connect. Give it a shot. At least you can say you tried. I have a 1/2 sister, she contacted us when I was in high school after her mom got ill. It worked out well, I love her dearly and we talk daily. Guess I am just wishing the same for you. Life is too short. It hands us enough crap on a daily basis anyway. Follow your heart, but protect it too. Good rule of thumb here, if a friend came to you and asked your advice on the same situation, what would you tell them? Follow that.
@KrauseHome (32393)
• United States
19 Jun 09
Personally like others have said here, I would take it Slow and see what this really means. I would be playing it cautious but at the same time out of curiousity really take some time to see what all of this means as well. If your Mom is really hurting at this time, and maybe not expected to make it she could be reaching out trying to make things right just for her own Peace of mind. All I can say is if you are a Praying person, Pray about it and take things one step at a time. If things are meant to be in a Good prospective things will happen and they will be for the Best.