My daughter is Locked up now.

United States
June 18, 2009 5:21pm CST
Last week I posted my feelings about my 16 year old daughter going to juvenile jail. Well on Tuesday we went to court and the judge was very generous. She only got 5 days in secure detention. The district attorney wanted 12 days so she was very very lucky. I hope this teaches her something. When we walked up to the courthouse she started crying. When she talked to the Judge she started crying. I must admit it broke my heart. So now she is gone and I have a few days to ponder my feelings. I just hope she learns and finally takes this serious.
4 people like this
14 responses
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
18 Jun 09
I read you rlast post. It is heartbreaking for you but in one way I am glad that yo9u will have a few days of time without the constant stress that you and your husband have had to endure. I can understand how your heart is breaking. I do hope that it can all be resolved and that she will learn from this. Don't ever beat up on yourself over this as from your post I could see that you ae a good Mom. many blessings
3 people like this
• United States
18 Jun 09
Thank you for the sweet words. This has been a struggle that has been going on for a long long time. It scares me to think of her out of my reach. I can do nothing for her at all. It's just hard to let go. Thank you again.
2 people like this
• United States
19 Jun 09
Sometimes the child is just influenced by their friends and surroundings. Hopefully, if she sees how much it is tearing at her mom, she will realize what shes doing. After all, 2 more years and shes off to the real world. She needs to realize quickly that she has to mature. Jail is a bad place, and your daughter is no jail bird. Be strong ma!
• United States
19 Jun 09
Thank you max... She does seem to feel bad when she hurts me but yes her friends seem to carry more weight with her than I do.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Jun 09
I think she will take something from it, you can be sure of that. And as a female myself, I tend to cry when I get myself into sh*tty situations to say the least, always thinking subconsciously people might take pity on me, after all we're females, and let's be honest that's what we do. It rarely works, and when it doesn't at first, I get disappointed my ploy didn't work, but in the end, I'm gald someone could be stronger than me to tell me no, write that ticket, or in your daughters case lock her up, it taught me a more valuable lesson in the end. Sooner or later you will have to pay for you've done, it will catch up with you. She'll be alright, and so will you. You're a good mom it sounds like kudos to you.
3 people like this
• United States
18 Jun 09
I was so moved by her tears but sometimes I wonder were they fake? I cna't be sure. I will not really know until she gets out and if her attitude has changed maybe she has learned something from this experience. At 16 she needs to wake up soon because soon she will be an adult and the repercussions are much stronger.
2 people like this
• United States
18 Jun 09
This is true, very true.
2 people like this
@harmonee (1236)
• United States
18 Jun 09
It's always hard to see your child cry, even if they maybe deserve what they are going through. Hopefully, she will learn from her mistakes and turn her life around now. On the bright side, at least this is happening when she is a juvenile and not being tried as an adult. It will also make it easier to get off her record and not haunt her for adulthood. Best of luck to you and her.
3 people like this
• United States
19 Jun 09
I never really thought about the whole thing following her to adulthood. Yes I am very glad this is happening now. She really is not a bad kid. She has not crossed any major lines she just is lazy and doesn't want to do any household chores or go to school. The sad thing is she is very smart.
@reckon21 (3487)
• Philippines
18 Jun 09
I felt sad hearing about your daughter. The mere fact that she is crying in front of the judge that means she is having difficulty accepting the five days secure detention. I just wish I can travel deep into her minds and discover what makes her the way she is. It is good that she will be able to realized that she need to change soon for the good of every ones especially her family.
• United States
18 Jun 09
I try to figure what is going on in her mind as well. Some of the things she does is just so out there. Right after court she wanted to go to her friends house. She needed to check into the jail the next morning. I told her to get some clothes together and clean up her room, take a shower so she will be ready for her lock up. About 9 at night she finally took off for her friends house but she came home fairly soon. I guess she just needed to get away for a little while. I feel like that sometimes too.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Jun 09
I also read your first post....and I wish you, your daughter and your family, good luck, and hope things will turn out for the best. It is very heart breaking to see a child making such a mess out of their lives, and not be able to save them from themselves. I've been there in your shoes. It's not fun! My heart goes out to you!
3 people like this
• United States
18 Jun 09
I am so truly amazed at all the people that have commented on my post. I really started out needing an outlet to express my feelings. It helped as have all my friends like you at my lot. I feel like there is a real family praying together.
2 people like this
@venshida (4837)
• United States
18 Jun 09
I know how difficult that is, I hope your daughter learn her lesson and this becomes a stepping stone for greater things in the future. Good luck.
• United States
18 Jun 09
Thank you I am so hoping she will change her life. She wants to be a doctor and yet she doesn't like school. I can't figure out how that will work for her.
2 people like this
@olydove (1209)
• United States
21 Jun 09
Hi Purple, Well it sounds like you both are getting the break you needed, and her a reality check. This could go one of two ways, it could scare the beegeezus out of her and make her turn around for the better, or it could be " no big deal " to her she might run into some friends in there and it's just a passing time. Let's hope it happens to be the first of the two ways. Unfortunately for my brother Juvy did no good but I pray for your daughters sake and yours that she makes a come around. Some kids just aren't meant for school there are many reasons behind it, it starts with the self esteem level being extremely low, then the only crowd that will accept those with the low esteem are of course others in the same predicament. So they band together and the peer pressure sets in, examples from other kids that might be more rebelious than she and she tries to follow suit. be careful tell her you love her but be firm in your words. She needs to know if you say NO then that means no period. She needs to earn your trust and earn the right to go out to her friends place. She needs to call and check in and be home but a certain hour. " These are your daily chores after they are done you may go out for a little while call me to check in before 5 and we will go from there." My son is just going on 14 and has started to do this thing where he wants to be over at his friends all of the time. At first I allowed it but then I realized he was becoming mouthy and back talking, and started to argue with everything I said so... his freedom got taken away. He can still go out to his friends but now it's only 3 days a week instead of daily ( though I might adjust since he's out of school now ) When he does go he is to call me within 2 hours and normally be home by 7 p.m. before he can go anywhere he only has 2 chores,.. make sure his room is clean, and unload the dishwasher if both those things are done then I allow him some freedom though for now until his attitude improves I tighten the leash a little bit so to speak and if it still doesn't improve I tighten more and then start taking away luxuries. It's hard because things are different with each generation but they aren't much different from 15 years ago so we just have to try and remember when we were their age what it was like, and what it was that made us act the way we did ( however we acted then ) and go from there. Best of luck and I look forward to reading the updates :)
2 people like this
@olydove (1209)
• United States
21 Jun 09
p.s.- Sorry for the typos it's been a long day LOL.
2 people like this
• United States
21 Jun 09
Yesterday she was able to call home and she talked to her dad. He said she sounded like she was ok and that she understands what has been the cause of her being in detention. She said she plans on behaving better. Is this for real??? I do not know. I will not know until a week from now. She has visiting tonight and I planned on going to see her. Mostly because it is Fathers day but I needto see how she is doing for myself. We have tried the posting of the chores list on the refrigerator. She ignores them. We tell her she can't go anywhere until this or that is done and she would just plain walk out the door. You can't tie your child up, or beat them, so what do you do? That is why we started the whole process with the court system hoping she would listen to an authority figure. Maybe this will finally work but I will not hold my breath. I do love her and I tell her that as well as show her all the time.
1 person likes this
@olydove (1209)
• United States
22 Jun 09
Very true we can't tie them down or any of that. Involving the courts at this point was indeed your only solution because if she would just walk out then there's nothing else you could do. At least now she knows that she can't just walk out the door without having to deal with the consequences. As for her knowing why she is in their sure she knows why she's there, as for the behavior change well...only time will tell. Of course at this time she's going to be sweet as pie she's locked up. Even the meanest character can turn into a pleasant person while locked up at times. I think she will do better at first when she gets out but the problem is how to keep her doing better. I would sit with her and work out a little system have her create her punishment what will happen if she just walks out the door, doesn't do her chores etc.. and have her write and sign a contract stating that she will put in her best effort to do better, behave better etc.. otherwise she will deal with whatever punishments she has set up. You'd be amazed at how much this works because " She made her up own punishment " so it's not necessarily you punishing her it's her punishing herself. At the same time set up a rewards system where if she does well for a whole week then she earns say... a trip to the movies, or something have her write a list of things she would consider rewarding and ya'll sit together and choose from there. Use the 3 strikes your out policy if she gets 3 bad spouts within one week then she loses the possibility of the reward. These are things that worked with me when I behaved almost exactly like your daughter, they are also things that work with my son who is not majorly rebellious yet and I pray to god he never will be. I hope the visit goes well and do keep your head up. Maybe when she gets home let her read some of our responses here and some of your comments too. Maybe if she reads about your concern for her she will be a bit surprised ;)
1 person likes this
• India
19 Jun 09
Yes, I remember responding to your post on this...remember I had told you about meditation and yoga to calm her down. Now that she is gone and you are free to ponder over, I'll definitely hope things go right for her and she herself takes this free time to mull over her own feelings, bahaviour and future. Good luck to you both and I hope you keep us updated.
2 people like this
• United States
19 Jun 09
You know it just amazes me that all these my lotters feel so much like family to me. I plan on keeping in touch with all as this whole mess unravels. By the way I have taken some time to look into the meditation thing. I just need to locate something local.
1 person likes this
• India
20 Jun 09
Mylot is like an extended family to me...even when I am offline, I think of many mylotters here.
1 person likes this
@blue65packer (11835)
• United States
19 Jun 09
I didn't see the last post on this story. So I don't know the whole story. I can tell you this that I hope she learned her lesson and she will not end up back in jail! I have a 23 year old nephew is prison who is severing 32 to life for a murder he commited at 17! He srewed up his life and shamed his parents who are my younger brother and my sister-in-law! So I hope you don't have to through what my family has! It isn't fun!
• United States
19 Jun 09
One of my biggest fears is that she not get her actions under control. I really do not see her murdering anyone but I am sure you never thought your nephew would either.
• United States
21 Jun 09
My family never thought he'd be someone to commit murder! My nephew,so believe,thought he could get away with it! Not! It didn't help he bragged about it to an ex-girlfriend who told the police and was lead him to being arrested in the first place! Pleaded insanity a his trial which didn't work! He had it going good! He was going to be his graduating classes salutatorian, had two scholarship waiting for him at a college in Minnasota and a straight A student! Now he is in prison because he thought he could get away with murder!
1 person likes this
@vetiver12 (164)
• Spain
19 Jun 09
I hope everything gets better from now, I will be more than glad to hear that your daughter is in the right way. I wish you the best of lucks.
2 people like this
• United States
19 Jun 09
Thank you I am hoping that she has learned a hard lesson but I continue to believe in her. When she gets home I will let her know how much I do love her and maybe she will understand that I only want what is best for her. All the prayers and love I feel can only help.
1 person likes this
@dreamr802 (987)
• United States
19 Jun 09
I am so sorry that your family is having to go through this with your daughter. I hope that the 5 days in juvenile jail will help her realize that she has so much left of her life. She has time to turn it around. The next 5 days will be hard for her and for you guys. I just hope that this will help in the end and maybe she will learn to respect you and your husband. Good luck with everything.
2 people like this
• United States
19 Jun 09
Respect is a terrible word to her. She has none at all. I hope she finds it soon. Thank you for all the thoughts and words.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Jun 09
Oh you have a tough girl on your hands. I hope the jail time works but don't count on it. It is going to take much more than that to keep her on track. To get her to understand her part in all of this as well as your own. My prayer is that your daughter and her parents can actually work together to find out what is the underlying cause of such behavior. That Mom, Dad, and daughter can move in a direction of understanding without judgement to be able to help each other through this time for a young adult to become who she will be, depending on the choices that are made from this point on, by her, and by you her parents. God give them all strength, the love, and the knowledge to pull through this time. Amen
• United States
19 Jun 09
Thank you for the kind words. I just found out today they are making her stay in another three days because she left the house without our permission the night before signing herself in. It was bad enough she was going to be gone over the weekend but now she will not get out until Thursday morning. I don't ever remember her being away from me for that long. Man I hope this works.
@ivana980 (156)
• Italy
19 Jun 09
It is so sad to see a daughter that takes a wrong way.. I don't know if i can tell you what she did, but she has been so luky! I image what you felt when you saw her to cry and this means that she was sad for what she did. It is important that at the end of this days in jail, you will control his friends and what she do, because at this age the children are strange, they have not their character yet and sometimes they can take a wrong way.
2 people like this
@suzzy3 (8362)
4 Aug 09
I did not get your discussion last week so I have no idea what her problems actually are.They don't lock up someone her age for nothing.I had a son that was extremely naughty and in the end he moved out.It did not get as far as your situation.I do undestand what it is like to have constant strain,my friend has has a lot of trouble with her daughter.I want you to know you are not on your own.Maybe sitting in there will wake her up.Make her realise what sort of life she is heading for if she does not change her ways.You just make the most of the peace and quite with no strain for a short while.You will have to sort our somewhere else for her to live maybe a hostel or something ,only if she starts up her tricks again.Good luck to you and take care.