Ending Discussions With People Who Insist You (and your partner) Need Children

Canada
June 19, 2009 8:37pm CST
A few nights ago the guy I was seeing before I met my husband, found me on Yahoo Messenger, and started a chat. He works in town, and I ran into him by accident one day, so he knew that I was married. He also knew about the age difference between my husband and I. He asked when Hubby and I were going to have children. I told him we weren't. I told him we did not want to have children. He would not let up. Finally I explained to him that my husband has GRANDCHILDREN, and that it would be pretty weird for the kids (one almost a teenager) to go off to school and tell them all that Grandpa and (step) grandma were going to have a baby. LOL The kid would be a baby, but the girl's great-aunt! LOL In truth that wasn't the only reason we dind't want kids, just that we don't want kids! That's it, that's all, that's final. However, this man was from a culture that felt that every woman should have a child, and the "grandchild" article was the ONLY thing I could say that would get him to let up. How do you handle people who just won't let up about your childreee lifestyle?
5 people like this
25 responses
@ElicBxn (59414)
• United States
20 Jun 09
well, I've never been married and the few that have ever asked if I wanted to get married and have kids have discovered that I don't like children - and THEY know it Oh, I've met a few children I like personally, but on the whole, I have little use for them. I hate hearing them screaming in the stores or at resturants, and am of the opinion that people should keep them home until they are civilized. I admire people that do have children and are doing a good job raising them, and I know quite a few who are, but generally I don't care for children. And I sure don't like all the smelly, revolting things they do as infants! WHY would I want to subject myself to over a YEAR of that? Bad enough a few weeks for the bottle baby kittens!
2 people like this
• United States
20 Jun 09
That's the end of a beautiful friendship. With real friends you don't have to explain why yu don't have children. I never wanted kids. I made up my mind when I was 7 and I haven't changed it. I think it is sad that everyone thinks that if you are married you Must have children and if you aren't , you shouldn't have children. The last time I checked it was the 21st century and women can choose If they are to have children.and I'm sorry Anyone who insists that I should want children, I will ignore. They had just lost a friend.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Jun 09
I don't like people like that who want to judge on someones life choices, I'm only 22 so no where near ready to have kids but I have lots of friends who didn't "plan" to have children yet but they still do, one of my girlfriends already has 2 at the age of 20, i don't judge her on that but i can feel your annoyance at the "harping" of people because every time she talks to me, she talks about "so when are you and Mark (my boyfriend) going to get pregnant?"....and im so dumbfounded that she pushes it because A) my boyfriend and i are not living together,,,B) Im going to college with no job and C) my boyfriend and I are not getting a long very well at all these last few months....but my friend thinks a BABY is the solution to all of my problems?????? ...I have stopped talking to her lately because she decided to get nasty about it all and start making statements about that because my boyfriend is older, that either he's going to not have any soon or he's going to leave me for someone who is ready now...and she is f ed up with that because she knows that someday I want kids and im stressed about my relationship with him,,,,,so I do know in a way how you feel about people judging, i'm coming to the stage where if someone cannot accept the fact that no I don't want to be "mommy" yet then thats on them and I'm not talking to them if they are going to try and make me feel bad for my wise decision
1 person likes this
@ShellyB (5247)
• United States
20 Jun 09
Well, there is no way to please people. Having said that I would just simply said, it is a decision that My husband and I made, and if that's not then end of the story, walk away. There is a saying that I wish I could remember (I am about to be 40-lol-and my memory lousy today, basically it is those who matter won't mind, abd those who mind don't matter. Something like that. Good luck with your marriage and defending your choice. (I had a kid myself and was asked why I didn't had another, and often at one point and later by one of my aunts, like it was such a big deal. Considering my vision is failing me and other things, I am sure I made the right choice, I am just not going to please all people.)
1 person likes this
@clutterbug (1051)
• United States
20 Jun 09
Hi, I love this topic, because my hubby and I put up with the same nonsense from people everywhere we go. The last time I checked, it was a free country (We live in the U.S.), lol. My mother-in-law kept pushing for us to have children, but we didn't want to take on such a huge responsibility, especially with today's economy we'd wind up in the poorhouse. Some couples feel a strong need for children, but my hubby and I are content without. Besides, we're keeping the population at a reasonable level - who needs to live in China? Some people look at us as lepers because of the lack of children, but they'll get over it one day.
1 person likes this
@meandmy3 (2229)
• United States
20 Jun 09
Sometimes the only thing you can do is to be blunt with them and tell them that while you appreciate their concern and take their advice to heart, you and your husband have made the decision as to what is best for the two of you, and that decision is that you do not want to have children. If they continue tell them that you are sorry but you are going to walk away now because it is clear that they are so determined that they know better for your life and you are not comfortable with that.
• United States
27 Aug 11
Personally, I want children. However, my preference is that we adopt rather than reproduce. My boyfriend and I are both concerned about the environment, and neither one of us has an overwhelming drive to pass on our genes. I don't believe that everyone needs to have children. Unfortunately, some people don't respect that choice, and they can be very pushy in their views. Many of these are the same people who don't understand the desire to adopt rather than reproduce. I've already run across numerous people who are like this about homeschooling. When I finally do have children, I will simply look at anyone who dares question my choice to home school and tell that person that I've chosen homeschooling so that my children don't end up like him/her. This will be rather appropriate, since the critics of homeschooling tend to be products of the public school system. If you really want to shut someone down when (s)he is harping on your decision to be child-free, you just look at the person and say, "We have chosen not to have children, because we wouldn't want to risk him or her growing up to be rude like some people." Adding a pointed look might help get the message across.
@mzz663 (2776)
• United States
13 Jul 09
I would just let someone know that it was a decision the both of you made and you're both happy with that choice. Anything after that, I would just say it was personal and between you and your husband and leave it at that. If he wouldn't let up at that point, tell him you have a few things you need to do and get yourself out of the conversation. Really, any choice you have made is your choice and none of anyone else's business unless you make it their business.
• United States
12 Jul 09
There was one woman that knew my husband by going into his work (he works third shift retail) that we saw while we were buying our couch. She had a kid with her, and asked when my husband would be coming back to work. He told her that we'd just gotten married, had our honeymoon, and he had a vasectomy, so he'd been off awhile, but he'd be back at a certain date. She looked at us, said, "That's a little early to be having a vasectomy." I told her, "It couldn't be soon enough. We're child-free...we don't want kids, so we decided four years ago we'd do this around our wedding date." As her son is climbing on store furniture, she said, "Well, kids are a joy...sometimes I'd like to kill him, but it's fun to have kids." We basically changed the subject after I looked at her son and said, "I bet it's fun for you, but some people aren't meant to be parents." With some people, telling them you don't want kids is uncomprehendable to them. "Kids are miracles..." yadda yadda. I've told my aunt before, when she was trying to understand my child-freedom, that if I told my kid to do something and it didn't do it, I'd be in jail for murder. I can't stand something being both ignorant AND dependent on me to survive. I look at a baby and cringe, but for other people, they think babies are the best thing since sliced bread. They can't understand us anymore than we can understand them. Lately I've been trying to lay low, and if people catch on, I'll just nod, say "Nope, can't stand kids...I'm not having them since I never wanted them," then change the subject to try to show them that my child-freedom is not up for debate. I've also had someone ask me, "Why don't you want kids?" To which I've replied, "Why DO you want kids?" It's irritating when you are trying to get someone to understand that you aren't maternal. But they don't have to understand. :)
• United States
24 Jun 09
Well I have kids but the pressure to keep having them is probably as annoying as being childless or being single and the pressure to get married rears its opinionated head. I don't think that everybody should have children, its not for everybody so if thats your choice then I wouldn't even explain it to somebody who doesn't understand the whole reasoning behind it.
@deejean06 (1953)
• United States
22 Jun 09
Hi danish...I think this falls under the category of "none of your business". I don't appreciate people asking such intimate questions and sometimes it can be very hurtful. I remember someone asking me why haven't I had children yet right after I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. I also remember that a girlfriend of mine could not have children and there were always people asking her those pesky questions. Those questions hurt her feelings every single time. It was terrible. So before I open my big mouth I always think of how I would feel if someone asked me a question. If I would feel badly, I don't ask someone else. And no one should be asking you!
@Poison_Girl (4164)
• United States
22 Jun 09
What is it with people thinking that EVERYONE needs to have a baby? It's the same people who never believe a person who says they never want kids. I'm SOOO tired of people telling me that I'll change my mind. If I don't even like kids, why would I change my mind? I guess because THEY were silly enough to change their mind, they think I will be. Most people don't believe me when I tell them I don't want any and no matter what I say, they won't believe me. I usually end up just ignoring them. They're too stubborn to see it any other way.
• United States
20 Jun 09
This topic was brought up in my Women Writers class this spring, and it stirred some interesting discussion. Quite a few of the girls in my class, all of whom are about 18 to 22 years old, are adamant about not having children, at least for quite a few years. I'm 24, and I don't want children. I've told my fiance I will not have biological children. I may adopt, but it's not something that I feel the need to do right away. I've never had someone criticize me to my face about not wanting to have children, but some of the girls in my class talked about how people had ridiculed them. I was surprised that people - including family members - were practically encouraging these girls to have children and not focus on college! It's completely the other way around in my family. I suppose the best thing one can do when confronted by someone who thinks every woman should have a child is bring up the fact that every woman has a choice whether or not she wants to have a child. If you know this person comes from another culture where things are different, you can really only just be like, "I know your culture is different from mine, and I understand that your culture believes all women should have children. However, I feel that this is the best choice for myself and my family." Just be honest and don't take crap from people who are trying to push their views on you. If all else fails, ignore those kinds of people. Block them if they get rude. That's what I'd do, at least. It's times like this that I wish men could bear children. XD
@suspenseful (40330)
• Canada
20 Jun 09
I am also angry about those who patted me on the back when I told them I could not get pregnant, and they would say "you wouldn't want kids anyway," and then tell how terrible their children are so rotten there is the opposite. But being a Canadian, I do wonder why is it that Canadians do not like children as much as other cultures. Anyway maybe you do not like babies and small children, but you might be good with older kids, but maybe that is because I read "Anne of Green Gables' when I was in school.
@sjvenden27 (1851)
• United States
20 Jun 09
I remember when I first got married.. I was 17 and my husband was 19.. The first question out of everyone's mouth was; when is the kid due? When they found out that I was not pregnant the next question they would ask us would be; so how long until you are going to be pregnant? These questions where asked by everyone.. On top of that his dad and my mom were pushing for grand children.. We would tell them point blank, WE ARE NOT READY TO HAVE CHILDREN! We are having too much fun being kids yet, and we where also having trouble financially. We did not want to being a child into the world when we were already having troubles ourselves.. I remember going to the welfare office to try to get help with medical assistance.. The lady told us that the only way I could get medical assistance was to get pregnant.. When the reason I need help with medical was to get a form of birth control from the doctor, and the routine checkups.. Ever since then I have looked pretty down on the entire welfare system.. Since we were trying to be responsible and we were turned away because of it..
@mimuche (163)
• Canada
20 Jun 09
Well while I really love kind I do not think I will want to have any of my own. Not that they are not a bundle of joy but I just simply do not want kids. I have been babysitting for a while now just to get some pocket money while I attend university and I love looking after children for as long as they are not mine. The kids theme does come up once in a while with friends and relatives and I get judged pretty often as well for saying that I would not like to have any children. Since it is not always to easy for others to understand why I do not want any children I always tell them that I have had my share with children and do not think that it is one of my goals in life. It is easier though with close friends and others that know me well because they know I am a very freed spirit and love to just be everywhere and travel a lot. I guess you are just going to have to keep your ground and if they become so insisting just let it go and tell them you do not feel like talking about it anymore.
• United States
20 Jun 09
Guess if you don't want kids that's fine. As for me, I enjoyed ten blissful years without children before my daughter came along. Last night as I was looking in her face and listening to her read a Dora the Explorer book, I wondered what I ever did without her in my life. But, hey! If kids are not for you, that's totally cool. There are already enough deserving children in the world that need good moms and dads. And, if you and hubby ever change your mind, you could adopt a preteen or teenager that needs a good home. A teen or preteen would require less daily maintenance and supervision than a baby or toddler. Older children are usually stuck in permanant foster care cycle, cause noone wants anything other than a baby. So you'd really be doing them a big favor.
• United States
20 Jun 09
i usually tell them i can't have any and let the guilt of asking sort itself out. and i'm not lying either. that doesn't stop them however,they ask why i don't adopt. at that point,i just walk away.it's none of their business.
@Mirita (2668)
• United States
20 Jun 09
I cannot imagined my life without my two boys because to me motherhood is the most beautiful experience that any women can have ,but is also a decision that only belongs to the couple and nobody should get involved. I truly believe that you don't have to reproduce in order to be a complete woman. Is okay to be different and not everybody has to follow the same pattern.
• United States
20 Jun 09
Well am married and I want children just not right know we have to settle first. People ask me all the time when our we going to have children and we just tell them when we get settled I personally would like kids when am 28 or 29. I don't like it when people bother me about the issue or tell me that we can't have children yet for x and y reasons i feel it's our decision .