What to do about my kids

United States
June 20, 2009 5:22pm CST
Okay so I have kind of a personal question to ask you all but I feel like I should give you a little background on my situation first. I met my ex-husband in high school and married him soon after. We always had problems in our relationship. Every fight turned into a shouting match and as the marriage continued, he started to get violent. I left him once but found out about 4 days later that I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. So I went back to him because I wanted to give her a family. A few years later he and I got into an argument that was particularly nasty and ended very violently. He was arrested and charged with felony strangulation. Even still I stayed because when they did an evaluation on him, they determined that he was bipolar. And in my vows, I had said in sickness and in health. It ended up being to much as things continued to get worse. He refused any treatment so things continued as they had before. I left him but didn't take our girls away from him (like I was advised to do) because I believed that if he got help, he could be a good father and I wanted my children to know their father. As part of our divorce, he was required to do a lot of things. Attend a men's domestic violence course, attend weekly group counseling, individual counseling, be medication compliant, complete his probation, and discontinue the use of illegal drugs. And he did all of these things. But now we are facing a much bigger problem in raising our kids. He lets our 4 and 3 year old daughters watch South Park. Which in my opinion is completely inappropriate. He doesn't restrain himself with his language in any way around the kids, which has given them a colorful vocabulary. And he and his brother taught my oldest one how to flip the bird. Which she is very proficient at. Not to mention that my oldest one is depressed. Quite literally depressed. Whenever I ask her what is wrong, she tells me that she doesn't like being stupid or a retard. Now I know that she is not learning that stuff in my home, which leaves me with only one option as to where she is learning it. I tried talking with him about it but it didn't work. He says he doesn't let them watch South Park yet they can sing the theme song, and often "reenact" scenes from the show (my husband and I don't like the show, nor do we have cable, so they aren't getting it here). When I asked him about the language he said he can talk anyway that he wants (which I suppose is true but I would think he want to teach our kids better than that). When I asked him about the obscene gesture, he said that he's never taught her how but he and his brother (who is going through a divorce and staying with him right now) often flip each other off jokingly. I asked him to refrain from doing so but who knows if he really is since she still does it. When I asked about our daughter thinking that she is stupid or a retard, he said he never calls her anything like that. But isn't my daughter hearing it somewhere. Anyway, this situation is beginning to get out of control and I don't know what to do. My husband is about ready to blow up at my ex. He's angry that my oldest is being made to feel the way that she is. He's angry at the things they are being taught and the ripple effect it is having on the daughter that we have together. I am also becoming extremely angry with the situation. My kids are learning inappropriate language and behaviors and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. Not to mention that my 4 year old is having self-esteem issues. I expected to deal with these things but when they got a lot older than this. I am at a loss of what to do. I am worried about my kids and about the strain this is placing on my marriage. Any ideas, suggestions? Anyone been here before? Please help.
2 people like this
4 responses
@magrylouyu (1632)
• United States
21 Jun 09
I have a 6 year old stepson. My husband was never married to his mother just with her for 7 short months before coming back to me almost 7 years ago. My husband has full custody of his son. He gets to see his mother 3 weekends a month. I'm not really in the same boat as you are but I can see your points of views. When my stepson comes home on Sunday afternoons he's back to peeing and pooping himself, giving me a hard time, and whines because I wont let him play video games all day long. These are all things he does at his mothers house. He never poops or pees himself here, video games are maybe a once a week thing for maybe an hour and giving me a hard time never happens. He is more well behaved then my own 2 daughters. I would not allow your ex husband to see your daughter any more. I would go to the courts and make it so it has to be supervised. I would not allow what's going on to continue. I would refuse to bring my child over if that was continuing to go on. I am pretty sure there is something the courts can do. Good luck and I hope your 4 year old doesnt continue on with her behavior.
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17927)
• United States
22 Jun 09
I want to focus my response on the stupid and retard comments expressed by your daughter because the other things are minor, while this is serious. This is emotional child abuse if it's coming from your ex or his brother. You need to get your daughter to a counselor where she can talk freely about how she feels and why, where she can open up about who is saying these things to her without worrying about you or her stepfather getting upset. Once the counselor gets to the bottom of it...and if your ex or anyone in his home is responsible...you can ask the court to modify visitation to supervised based no the abuse, which has now been documented by a professional. Please don't let whoever is doing this to your daughter continue to hurt her like this. The scars may not show but they will be there and could last a lifetme if she doesn't get help.
• United States
22 Jun 09
Well thankfully, my husband was offered a job back East so I was able to talk my ex-husband into letting me take them back there with me. I have been advised by an attorney to wait until our move is complete to take him back to court. I thank you all for you advise, I appreciate it greatly.
• United States
22 Jun 09
My exhusband was verbally abusive and has anger management issues. In my divorce, I placed certain restrictions on him and parenting. I think calling a lawyer is the only thing that I could think of. Southpark is unacceptable material for children or older children. It would teach them to talk to others in the same manner. He is probably just being lazy by not changing the channel or actually engaging in an activity with the children.
@julius11 (10)
• United States
21 Jun 09
You can't hide inappropiate things from your kids. I tried my best to do that and one day at Karate class my five year old said 'sh*&' I asked him where did he learn that from and he said from school. That was just the first time. Kids are like sponges. Times have changed too. One time I was watching Simpson, and he said Hell. That has always been a cuss word in my house when I was little. Now its on cartoons.