One in Every Family

@Ldyjarhead (10157)
United States
June 22, 2009 4:58pm CST
I'm told there's one in every family, and I'm interested to see just how true that is, based on the responses to this discussion. I got word last week that my mother was in the hospital again and the end was likely near. I made flight arrangements and got there last Sat, but she passed 30 min before my flight landed. Two sisters, one brother and myself took care of everything - choosing casket and burial plot, pall bearers, the viewing, flowers, service, memorial video slide show, reception following service - you name it. It was a lot to do in just 2-3 days, but we pulled it off and I think Mom would have been pleased. Other brother was a jerk, to put it mildly (myLot bleeped out my first choice of words). Someone else paid his ticket to get home from Las Vegas (which wasn't cheap). He is basically homeless so that same person took him shopping so that he'd have decent clothes to wear, and that person also put him up in her home for the full 9-10 days he was to be home. I heard not one word of gratitude from him towards that person, and all he did all week was complain, and even started to make a scene at Mom's grave site. Come on! He chose not to sit with the other siblings in the front pew of the chapel. He chose not to ride in the limousine with us. One sister called him from the limo as we were leaving to see where he was - he did not answer his phone. When he got to the grave site (late!) I motioned for him to join us up front where the clergy had her children and surviving sister - he said no, he couldn't. He did not show up for the reception that followed. One sister called him to personally invite him and he did not answer his phone. Other sister called and left msg that he was welcome to come and pick some things of Mom's to remember her by and even opened her home to him for a few days. He called back saying he wanted nothing of hers and would not be coming over, and then hung up on her. Nice guy. He later told this other person that he no longer had brothers and sisters. Huh? I hate to say it, but if he wants to live a miserable life, then go for it, just don't bring the rest of us down with you. The focus, of course, was to be on Mom. I'm sorry that he didn't feel his needs were met, but we had a lot to do and he helped with NOTHING. So .. is there one in every family? Tell me your story.
9 people like this
15 responses
• Saint Lucia
22 Jun 09
I think that who ever said that was right.Whether its children,grand or great grands children.We have a few in my family but at the end they all realize that we are still family and we will always be there for them.
@Ldyjarhead (10157)
• United States
22 Jun 09
Everyone has 'been there for him' throughout numerous screwups in his 60-some years on this earth. This was his choice, and we'll honor it.
3 people like this
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
22 Jun 09
My deepest sympathy.....on both counts....losing your mother and your brother. We haven't had that problem in our family but I have definately heard some stories that are amazing..you are right. Your brother chartered his own course..now let him ride it out.
3 people like this
@Ldyjarhead (10157)
• United States
22 Jun 09
The rest of the family is pretty much in agreement.
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17690)
• United States
23 Jun 09
Hey LdyJ~ I am so very sorry to hear about your Mom. Please accept my sincere condolences. I don't know what to say about your brother. He apparently has some issues of his own and should have been able to put them aside at least for this particular time until your Mom was laid to rest. I really am so sorry that you and your family had to have this additional burden. But, at least you had your other brothers and sisters with you and that is what is important. And as you said, the focus was on what your Mom would have wanted and that's what you and your family did. I hope you will be able to remember her and keep the memories of her close. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
2 people like this
@Ldyjarhead (10157)
• United States
23 Jun 09
The rest of us pulled together and supported each other, even those that hadn't been all that close the last few years. Why he couldn't join in is beyond me. He was not excluded one bit, but for whatever reason, he felt he was.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17690)
• United States
1 Jul 09
Thank you for the BR LdyJ~This means alot considering the very personal circumstances. I just hope that in time you will be able to heal and keep the memories of your Mom close always. I hope that when the time comes for me that I will be able to do the same. God Bless you, Opal
• United States
23 Jun 09
I don't know the brother but its sounds as though he has distanced himself so far away that he can't even recognize the kindness of family. Maybe he thinks he doesn't deserve the help so he doesn't think that he should be gratefull in any way, or maybe there were some unresolved feelings that guilt may have overpowered during that time of loss. One good thing is there is usually only "one" in every family because more than that would be unbearable. To end: I'm sorry that you lost your mom and I'm sure she is proud of the way you handled her final arrangements. Take comfort in that Marie.
@Ldyjarhead (10157)
• United States
23 Jun 09
Yes we know she would have been happy with what we did, and we also know she would have been shaking her head about this one brother. She knew what he was like.
1 person likes this
@doryvien (2293)
• United States
23 Jun 09
Unfortunately, we do have one in our family. My sister always gets into trouble of her own doings. Whenever she has something going on in her life, she doesn't want anyone of us "meddling" with her affairs, but when things turn bad (and they usually do), she comes running to us (my mother, my other sister and me), telling her sad stories and her failures, and worse, asking for money because most of the time her troubles involve money. We always come to her rescue because we don't want her to end up more messed up, and I know this is bad because this way she won't ever learn from her mistakes because we're always there to make things better for her. My other sister and me have almost given up on her, but I know my mother won't.
2 people like this
@Ldyjarhead (10157)
• United States
23 Jun 09
Been there more times than I care to remember.
1 person likes this
@roberten (3131)
• United States
23 Jun 09
Hi, Ldyjarhead, been a while. So sorry to hear about your mother; even more so to hear about your brother's behavior. Seems he made a sad time even more sad by showing his. There is always at least one in every family; if you're lucky, you only have one. I had a couple in my family who have since passed on themselves and I am ashamed to admit I feel a great sense of relief now. I loved them dearly but they made me miserable. Loving them from a distance has always been the best course of action for all concerned. As for you, just take joy in knowing that you and the others did what was required and beyond. I am sure you mom was pleased and smiling from ear-to-ear. Kudos to you all!
@roger30 (40)
• United States
23 Jun 09
Family matter
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jun 09
It saddens me to hear this. My heart would shatter into pieces if my siblings were as cold hearted. I couldn't even think of being in that situation with a sibling of mine. My siblings and I are all really close there's nothing but happiness in every family event. I'm sorry your family has been in such a situation. Maybe all he needs is a little prayer. Anyways, have a wonderful day.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jun 09
I'm sorry to hear about your Mom, and your brother. It was a burden that your family didn't need at that time. What makes a person think and act as they do, will always be a mystery...It sounds like he is really hurting and he took that time to display his inner feelings, even though it was bad timing on his part. While you certainly have a right to be upset, don't disown your brother...you may regret it someday.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jun 09
there's several in my mom's family. her brother was already itemizing what he wanted before their mother was in the ground.he stayed with us a couple of days,then promptly annouced he would be moving in to which my dad said "hell no".one of those "only shows up for a holiday" type sons.didn't do anything for his mom,but when there was a house in question,he was right there.
1 person likes this
@elitess (5072)
• Ipswich, England
5 Jan 10
Hi there my dear friend. I have seen this discussion months ago, but i chose not to answer it until now. Well in my family the black sheep at the moment must be my brother. He was supposed to have his wedding in October 2009, and most of the arrangements were met, my parents paid at the church, and the advance on the place where the after party was supposed to take place, but with just a month or so before the thing, they canceled the wedding saying they don't have money and they don't want to get married now anymore - even if my parents were ready to support them financially - you can realize the upset this caused to my parents. They lost the money at the church, and spent the money from the place where the wedding was supposed to have it's party on my birthday (well part of it anyway), but still i think the greatest upset was the cancellation - i guess every parents wants to see the wedding of their sons or daughters.
@blackbriar (9080)
• United States
11 Aug 09
So very sorry to hear of your mom's passing. The pain will lessen as time goes by. Sounds like you have a real winner there for a brother to act and say things like that. I have a sis-in-law that will lie to your face one minute and then say she never said that the next. I no longer believe anything she says. My mother-in-law is the type where she's always right no matter and will argue with you even though she is very wrong. She also tries to pit one sibling against another.
@reinydawn (11649)
• United States
24 Jun 09
Oh, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. We've been very fortunate in that we've never had that kind of problem. I know my sister and some friends have, but our immediate family has been spared of that "one".
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 Jun 09
First of all, my condolences. Sorry to hear your brother was like that. And at a time when everybody should be pulling together. Nope, don't really have anybody like that among the siblings. Got a few Aunts and Uncles who fight like cats and dogs, but the immediate family doesn't act like that.
@saundyl (9690)
• Canada
23 Jun 09
First, I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom. I'm also sorry your brother behaved that way. I'm going to say i count myself lucky and dont have someone i can think of in my immediate family who behaves the same way. However i can think of a cousin who doesnt show consideration for others or help out - it used to be different but recently hes been "bad". It started with college and he lied about going but spent the tuition money his mom gave him on who knows what....TWICE he did this (shame onhis mom for falling for it a second time) He disappeared for 6 months with no word to anyone including his fiancee...left people stuck paying his bills (her) in the mean time we know he was around because he broke into our grandmother's home and stole things...leaving things with his name on in their place as well as his id on the table. Never apologized at all - My sisters and i really want nothing to do with him because of the way he treated grandma...and my sister & her now husband (he stole their things as well since they were living there too at the time) He came to my sister's wedding (she invited him because grandma insisted and she didnt really want him there) and left before it ever started...saying that he didnt feel the need to be there that everyone hated him. Left his (by this time) wife having to get a ride home with other family members. Theres more but thats the...not as bad stuff.
• Lubbock, Texas
23 Jun 09
Nope not in every family. I'm sorry you have one in yours. It can't be easy being "disowned" for no reason or no fault of yours. I suspect that he is dissatisfied with himself and somehow blames the rest of the family for his status in life. My brother and sister and I are not close, but any time we could get together it was good . . .even parents memorials. As far as I know none of my Mother's 7 siblings were anything like this and although one of my Dad's brothers didn't communicate much with the other two there wasn't any noted animosity. I don't expect that any of my 5 children would ever act like this.