Loving someone with a disability

July 1, 2009 9:33am CST
Do you think if someone had a disability it would make a difference in how much you loved them? If you had to think of their health when you are going places and had to help them do a few things they are incapable of. You might have to give them a helping hand every now and then when a healthy person would be OK. Do you think true love would shine through or would you find it hard to deal with? From my own experiences I have found that my partner is reluctant to help me at all. He says he loves me but he shows no love towards me when I need help. I need help making my lunch sometimes and he doesn't want to help so I go hungry and he carries on with his life like normal. I wonder whether if when we met and I was like this, if things would be different now?
3 people like this
17 responses
@voldrox (7204)
• India
1 Jul 09
hi, like they say love is blind, it doesn't see how you look or what disability you have, in true love their is almost no difference between the two, no one is perfect, we all have some or the other disability in us and perhaps we are better in some other thing, if you love someone for real you would accept them the way they are and would surely help them out when need be... i don't want to say this but if your bf really loves you then he should do more than just say he loves you!
1 person likes this
1 Jul 09
Yeah I think this too! We are all equals, there should be no difference! I feel the same way about my boyfriend too, maybe we are not meant for each other : ( I would like to marry a Christian and he is not :S
@voldrox (7204)
• India
1 Jul 09
i wish you get the best!
1 person likes this
1 Jul 09
Thanks voldrox that's really sweet of you! I hope you get only the best aswell :)
• India
1 Jul 09
well,it is difficult to judge about him without knowing him personally. i for one would like to think that maybe he is trying to make you self-sufficient. Maybe, he doesn't want you to feel dependant or act as if there is no disability with you and you are normal just like anyone else.
1 person likes this
1 Jul 09
Yeah, I do try and only see it in positive ways. Maybe you are right and some people who look after others with disabilities try and make them not feel dependant on someone.
@x_Jo_x (1042)
1 Jul 09
Wow, i hope you dont mind me saying this and i dont mean any offence but he seems a bit lazy and selfish if he wont even help you make lunch! I think it would make a difference but i was thinking more if you met someone and fell in love and then they became disabled you would be more likely to help. I dont think it should make a difference whether a person is disabled or not. In any relationship, if you truely love someone then you should be willing to help them and look after them. If you were with a perfectly healthy person and they got a sickness bug or something you would help look after them. The only difference i see is that a disabled person might need help a bit more. I guess a severly disabled person, it would be a huge responsibility for the partner. But i think if they truely loved this person they should be willing to help out, they should want to help out no matter what it is with. Just my views on the matter. Hope you have a lovely day!
1 person likes this
1 Jul 09
I don't mind you saying that at all because it is completely true. I try not to think about this though but I know it is true. I think if it is true love then it wouldn't make a difference aswell. I hope you have a nice day too!
@nchap36 (556)
• United States
1 Jul 09
Hi Pinklemonade, I believe it do play a difference. People and friends look at you different. When I first got this way my husband was there I couldn't move without him. After a year he start gradually decreasing his help regardless if I needed him or not. Then one day he wrote me a letter saying he can't do it no more. He moved out and left me and my 10 yr. old daughter. He still paid the bills, but no longer wanted anything to do with me. My daughter tried to help me, but she was just too young. I moved with my parents for 1 1/2 yr. to get myself back on my feet. I'm doing pretty good now. He still won't have nothing to do with me, but thats ok. Like I was saying statistic say men more likely to leave a woman after a tragic accident. Being in my position it very hard to meet one because they are looking at your disability not the concept of what else you can do. They fill like she is a hinder and go on there way. My husband also told me he was young and had to live. So just keep your head up it will be better days. I did.
1 Jul 09
I think it makes a difference too. I am really sorry to hear about the way your husband treated you. I think in cases like that it is obvious they you can do alot better than them and I hope you find someone who treats you like you deserve to be : )
@apgh09 (514)
• United States
2 Jul 09
wow thats crazy! I must say it can be a challenge to take care of someone who is disabled but if you truly love that person whether it be a family member or a lover you'll be there to help that person. But I must say it also depends on the person who has the disability on where there mind set is and if they were not born disabled and came that way due to an accident. Because in some cases that person may become bitter, or they may give up on life and may be depressed. and then there are those people who are able to find a way to move on through their disability. But for people all the people involved it can be stressful, overwhelming, and sometimes if not physically draining then mentally and overtime it may cause a person to want to leave. I am talking from experience I have worked with people with disabilities for a long time and I have people in my family who are disabled and were not born that way. I must say it a challenge in so many ways but if you truly love that person you'll be there through thick and thin. yes I do think its harder to meet people when you are disabled because people think because you are disabled physically your disabled mentally too. I'm not saying that to be offensive I'm referring to experiences my family has had they think that she not intelligent, its really tripped out!!! But you just keep your head up and congratulations on getting yourself back on your feet.
• India
2 Jul 09
Apgh09 What You Say is Cent Percent Right ........... Able People When They Come Across Disabled People Act in A way As if They Are People Born With Golden Hands And Legs ............... They try to make that disabled person feel Worse ............. Here In India I Have Come Across people Spitting On the Road whenever a Disabled Person Is Sighted ........ God Save this world ....... Make it A Better Place ............ What CAN a Poor Disabled Person Do ....... For No Fault of his he was Born that way or Met with an accident that crippled him ............ What These People Fail to understand is Even they Can Have the same Fate this Life or The Next Life ............ What Am trying to say is Humans Have to learn To Show Compassion Towards The Disabled .................... Let them Also Live With Respect And Dignity ...................
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
1 Jul 09
I grew up loving someone with a disability. There were times I had to help her with things. When I was a kid and even sometimes now there are times that I don't understand or feel bad, but I still love her as much as I did before. This person is my mother. She has had to deal with people who didn't want to help her because of her disability and I hate to say that I have been among those people. Of course I could easily justify myself by saying that I was embarrassed or to young to understand, but I won't do that. I think that just because a person can not do the same things that we can or in the same way, doesn't mean that they are not a person. The fact that your bf is treating you like this is wrong. You are starving because of his laziness and it's sad that it has happened. I'd say, dump him but I know that it's more then just that, love is a powerful thing and can cause people to do crazy things. You make it seem as if this disability hasn't always been a part of you, maybe this has hurt your bf as well and he's unsure what to do or say? Maybe talking to him will help. I surely do hope that I've made you feel better, but in case I haven't, I'm sorry.
1 Jul 09
Yes you did make me feel better so thank you for replying. Your right that love is a powerful thing and I am sure it does make me do crazy things lol. I have had this disability since I have known him but only recently it has become worse. I think you are maybe right and he doesn't know what to do. I have tried talking to him before but I will keep on going. Maybe I am crazy but I think when you love someone it's hard to know when to give up and I just am keeping at it!
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
1 Jul 09
The fact is, he probably loves you too. He's just unsure. Keep at it, and good luck with getting to understand him and vice versa with him understanding you.
• Italy
6 Jul 09
True loves doesn't need this kind of explanations. Everyone is happy to have fully active partner but this can happened after your relation also. Life can lead anyone to this stage. I think in such situation you can find out who loves you more and how much he or she is true towards you. If i ever got something like this happened to my partner i will never ever leave her.
@caver1 (1765)
• United States
2 Jul 09
I hope none of my family ever has a severe disability, but I don't think it would make a difference in how much I love them. Fixing lunch for my family is something I would do even if they didn't have a disability. Love means caring more for the person you love than for yourself.
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
2 Jul 09
I'm sorry that your husband isn't more helpful for you. I would think that if you really loved a person that you would want to help out and make sure that the person does not go without and is not in any discomfort. I'm sure that it can be difficult at times to care for someone elses needs but as a mother I've gotten pretty used to the role of caregiver. I imagine it is easier for some than for others. I hope things get better for you.
@gelay07 (589)
• Philippines
2 Jul 09
i could say you are still lucky because you have experience what its like to be love by a man. i mean, considering you have a disability. It is indeed unfortunate for people who are disabled because, the society would always have a barrier when it comes to dealing with them. I guess, depends where you live because i heard western countries are more compassionate with them but in 3rd world country, it's either you choose to live or otherwise. I guess, you should have a serious talk with your partner and ask him if he can still carry on or does he still feel the same way for you. If you love the person you don't have to ask what you need because it is naturally given to you without asking. Isn't love like that?
• Saint Lucia
2 Jul 09
Well if you are disable and he wont help you then he is selfish and doesnt love you.When you love someone you accept them with all their flaws.Regardless it happen before or after the relationship started.He is lazy.He should be there for you when you need him if he truly loves you.
• Canada
2 Jul 09
Hi Pinklemonade, You seem to be very down on yourself, I wonder is he making you feel that way? I don't believe things would have changed if you were disabled then or now. I think you just would have to put up with his cruel behavior much longer. I think you should get yourself a support system of some really great girlfriends. You should also try to be as independent as possible. Maybe with your independence you'll soon learn to stand on your own. Then you can decide what to do from there
• India
2 Jul 09
Some People Have No Value For the other Being ............... You Cant Help ............ But Life Doesnot Come to A Stand Still If There is No Reaction/Help from your Partner ......... He is not Aware Of this Simple truth ............. He Desperately Needs Advice ........ Make Some Elder Speak To Him And He will Be Alright ......... Thank You ........
• United States
2 Jul 09
From personal experience, loving someone with a disability isn't any different than loving someone without a disability. If you were not disabled when you got together, I can see how this could change the dynamics of the relationship. It can be hard to go from no worries to having to think everything through.
@apgh09 (514)
• United States
2 Jul 09
no it should not make a difference yeah when you go out you may have to think about how to get around but that should not be a issue because there are laws that say that you have the right to have access to anyplace you need to go. i have family who is disabled and go any where we want. and if your partner loves you just remember action speaks louder than words he should be ashamed for what he is doing to you but you know carma is a you know what! but in the mean time i would see if there are if there are some services in your hometown that will assist you with food and other services you may need. there is a program called meals on wheels that deliver food to the elderly and disabled the website is www.mowaa.org the # is 705 548 5558 and you can check out aapd american association of people with disabilities the # is 1 800 840 8844 or 1 866 241 3200 is for member service you may also check with your city county building or chamber of commerce or you can type in the search section of your browser the name of your city and gov.net or com and there should be a listing of disability government agencies in your home town and you can check under home health agencies that can come to your house assist you with needs you may have like cooking, running errands, laundry, cleaning. so just because your man dose not want to help dose not mean that you cant find help and nchap36 i hope you read this too. God bless you both and keep your head up!!!!!!!!
@Ithink (10536)
• United States
2 Jul 09
For me I know it would make no difference other then I would be more protective. I also know that it hasnt made a difference to my husband. We got married really young and man things have changed. LOL! I now have a bad back and sometimes it goes out to the point that he has to help me with everything. He does it and waits hand and foot on me if need be. Im not saying all this to make you feel bad, but to make you rethink how he treats you. Noone wants to be a bother to the ones they love but if you have a disability sometimes we need the extra help. The one that says they love you, should be there when you need them. I wish there was someway to help you. Maybe you could talk to your S/O?
• United States
2 Jul 09
not to sound like a horrible person. but yeah just because i have alot of bad thoughts in the back of my heads. i would think bad about my self n them. so if i would be with someone with a disability they would have to keep it a secret. but i can handle someone in a wheel chair just not anyone with a mental problem.
• United States
1 Jul 09
Should it matter no it should not but in the world of reality does it matter yes at times it does matter does this make it right no but that is life sometime life deals you a raw deal and someone has one of two choices rise above it and make it work or buckle under it and be weak the people that can not handle they fall into the later and sadly so but this is the truth. Alot of us have disabilities just sometimes some of them are more visual ones than others your disability you can rise above and still be something in life which for me would be leaving who you are with for the fact he does not seem like a very kind person you say he will not help and that is not how any relationship should go disabled or not you help your partner you are in fact partners or you are nothing more than sharing a bed and deluding yourself and each other partner work together true love is worrying about the other not only thinking of thier own needs first and basically he does not seem to get it You deserve to be treated better disabled or not us woman need to speak up and say we will not tolerate being mistreated the only time we will be treated the way we should be is when we think and know we deserve it good luck