Have I gone too far? For once I dont think so. If I did tuff!
By dloveli
@dloveli (4366)
United States
July 9, 2009 6:34am CST
My daughter is 21 years old. She is a good kid. A little hard headed but I think I know where she got it.lol. ALright I do know where she got it. There was this guy and he had always showed interest in my daughter. They started seeing each other. Come to find out he had a son from previous relationship. Supposedly they werent together. I could see my baby falling for him a bit so I had her invite him over. Within the first half hour I found that his ex lives in the same apartment building as him,they were together for 8 years, just broke up very recently. I wasnt thrilled. I did let her know how I felt. I tend to demand and I didnt even do that. I was very careful. I didnt want her to think I was trying to run her life. As the weeks went on he was always taking her places which was good considering the mess she just got out of. Then I began noticing that he was always talking to her as if she was an idiot. Always yelling at her. Never asking.I didnt say anything. Mind you she was going everywhere with him and his son so I thought maybe he and the baby's mom were over. Last weekend he didnt call my daughter Friday-Monday. I said to my daughter something's up, He is up to something. She was upset at me but at this point I didnt care. I wanted to make sure she understood what was happening rather than make excuses as we all do.He shows up monday night telling her that he had told her he needed to spend time with his son. Ok but all the other times when he spent time he stopped buy and even took her with them. My younger daughter too. If he wanted to go alone why not just come by and tell her. He also brought her his laptop for her to use. Since she got the lap top the only thing she did was put yahoo as her home page(I did it). Yesterday I come back from the store and hear him sitting in my kitchen telling her that she did something to the computer and why couldnt she have left it. I lost it. I said to him she didnt do anything I just changed the home page no biggie. He just kept going. He is the type that he knows more than anyone. I proceeded to say to him that relax and he just kept going. I lost it. I said that it was my house and I shouldnt have to argue about something so simple. I also told him why did he give her the laptop saying he dont use it and then complain at her everymove. Oh and lastly befor this confrontation I had said to him that I missed him last weekend. He came right out and told me that he needed to spend time with his son. I asked why he didnt come by to let her know. He said and I quote" I was with my sons mother too. How would that look If I brought her here. Why is it he now has to hang with the ex too? My daughter and him have taken the kid before. Hes a peice of SH*T! I dont think I was wrong do you? SOrry its sooo long but I needed to explain every crappy detail. What do you think about this DORK! I really cant allow this to go any further. The funny thing is after he left, my daughter wasnt even mad at me. Maybe she is beginning to see it. Am I WRONG? be honest...dl
6 people like this
20 responses
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
9 Jul 09
I cant stop laughing! You are hilarious. Oh how I wish I had friends near me like you. I wish you lived near me! No my friend unfortunately his name is JUNIOR. It decribes him perfectly. He's in his 30's but he rides around with his music blaring. Its so loud you cant even hear the words to the song. Like I said. DORK! dl I will keep an eye for a Karl as well.LOL dl
Still laughing! Boy did I need that!
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
10 Jul 09
No your daughter was falling head over heels in love.. Love can blind us from something that is right in front of our faces... You handled it quite well, I would not change a thing.. You gave your daughter room to grow.. But you also saw the games that this jerk was playing.. Using his son as a trump card to have his cake and eat it too sort of speak... Airing it out being so long winded.. Sometimes that is what a person needs.. Get it off their chest. Yes the situation may be over, but there are things that still bother you about the whole situation...
The shocker I think is how your daughter reacted...May be she was having second thoughts with the whole relationship but she just did not know how to brake it off with him.. Considering he was using his son's as a sympathy act.. Which is extremely wrong in my book.. No child at any age should be use for a parent's personal gain!!
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Jul 09
The ironic part of the whole deal is that he feels he is doing right because its involving the son. If I know I am right I will argue it to the end. From the very first time I met him, he challenged me. Just so you know I was right.lol I have two daughters and wasnt with their father. When he came to take them, I was never required to go. The only time he wanted me to go was when he had nothing on his plate and figured I was a safe bet. NOT! I realize she is 21. I am not willing to let her learn the hard way. By this I mean, children, apartments, bills, and most importantly her self esteem. I did this for 13 years trying to make it work. It didnt. thanks for your support. dl
1 person likes this
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
11 Jul 09
Your very welcome! I usually do not recommend parents to interfere with their young adult child's life.. But there is always an exception.. This is definitely the case. I bet that drove you crazy siting there for however long the relationship was, to sit back and let your daughter make her own mistakes.. It was really good that she did experience a little of it.. Hopefully this will help her with the next guy she meets..
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
9 Jul 09
Being honest really and remembering my own self at 20/21yrs, your daughter has every right to think you tend to run her life for her, at the slightest pretext…so you are treading on egg shells! Even then, I don’t think you are wrong, rather I’m glad you had this confrontation in front of your daughter…for her to hear and think it over.
Personally I think the dork is rather confused and insecure…he might act like a know-it-all (something which puts me off) but I think he constantly needs to shout and command at people. maybe that is what put off his first wife too…yet you can see that he is not beyond her…he stays in the same apartment and has her over in his house and in his life often, maybe at the excuse of the boy. But he dates your daughter because he needs another person to control and command and shout at! (since his wife is not there)…I sure hope your daughter will see the true light and not blame you for this.
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Jul 09
My friend I need you in my life at all times. I need you not only as a friend and fellow myLotter but as my Vice president so to speak. I started laughing reading your response. As Im sure you didnt intend it to be hilarios All I kept thinking is here's a person that doesnt even know this dude and she seems to see it clearly.He is a DORK! trust me on that one. You know, it never occurred to me that he has to be right to make up for something he is definitely lacking. Honestly I dont think he and his first wife are completely finished. Come on you dont throw eight years away.You just dont. I think he has the wife believing that my daughter is just a friend or gay or something. SHe is stupid too. What does she think when the son comes home talking about my daughter. He has got BALLS!!! By the time Im done with him, he wont even know where his balls are... That's a promise!!Thanks SUDI!!! dl
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
13 Jul 09
You sure made my Monday morning...hoping to hear more on this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
9 Jul 09
I would have kicked him and his laptop out of teh house with the words dont come back and think my daughter is going anywhere with you again! Hang with your X if ya want .
and then I would say to daughter if he came back I would shoot him!
I did that to my daughter and one feller she was seeing and it ended there!
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
10 Jul 09
I do hope for her sake and yours that she does love herself enough to get rid of him.
Altho when one thinks they are in love they tend to get brain washed into thinking they aint worth anything.
My daughter married this feller and she fell in my arms after the I dos crying like a baby.
She told me later years that she thought he dad would put a stop to it.
Well he thought she was happy and she was for a few years.
But after we got her back after 5 years she could hardly rmember anything that had happened in those 5 years with him.
I mean the things he did to her and the threats of kill us her family if she ever left him.
I spent alot of money on a pay phone talking to her for several months before she asked us to come get her and we did.
adn she never really looked back and we paid for her divorse and got her maiden name back too.
And I think it will be cool to hear when you finally do thius and be sure to get the Sh^^ off hands lol
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Jul 09
Oh you dont know how bad I wanted to. And would have if I hadnt remember something my 14 year old said to me the other day when my oldest and I were arguing. SHe is 21. If I did that, she may have chose to have left with him.I did that to my parents and ended up with contusions over 95% of my body from him. I dont want her to leave under any negative circumstancese. Honestly Lakota, I think she is beginning to see it for herself. She likes to look good in front of everybody. He doesnt make her look good. I am hoping her love for herself will end it for me. If it doesnt end soon, all the bull I just said in the beginning will go right out the window. I will be kicking his skinny malnutritioned a*s out of my house and her life personally. Dont worry my friend directly after I wipe the sh*t off my hands I will be notifying my brothers and sisters at MyLot. lol dl
@trixyteddy (1070)
• India
11 Jul 09
I guess I would have done the same thing. I know for sure, it is a very difficult situation. Could I tell you something? Are you God fearing? Whether yes or no, place this in front of our Almighty Lord and ask Him to deal with it. In no time, I'm sure your daughter will wake up to reality. You could also write to Jesuscalls, and they will keep praying. I will pray for you and your daughter and God bless her.
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Jul 09
That is the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a LONG time! I really needed that! I would love to be your mom. I dont even know you but I can tell you I envy your mom. To have raised a child to be as compassionate and caring as you are is quite a feat.If you ever come to my neck of the woods, you best come and meet me. From now on you have been officially ADOPTED! You look just like me. The labor was exhausting but I'm good. Seriously sweetie I needed to hear something like that. YOu have made my year! Thanks if you need me, send me a message or just say hello. dl
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
10 Jul 09
i don't think you are doing anything wrong at all... you are doing well in trying to protect your daughter for falling into a jerk like him... i will do the same thing if i am the mother... please ask your daughter to stay away from him... she deserves a much more better guy than him who can treat her much better... especially she is still so young and has her entire life in front of her... hopefully she will open her eyes after the incident... take care and have a nice day...
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Jul 09
Thanks Lingli! I am saving your responses so she can see how people that would be considered strangers to her are rooting for her to do the right thing. I think it will help her immensely. He is a big, fat, jerk! You are sooooo right my friend! Thanks again. dl
@Meljep (1666)
• United States
10 Jul 09
It's very probable that your daughter has already seen right through him and just needs the courage to break up with him. Just keep boosting her self esteem so it doesn't seem like YOU are putting her down too.
Keep telling her that she deserves someone who will treat her like a queen.
She doesn't deserve someone who talks down to her.
Maybe also have a mother-daughter chat over lunch and ask her what she is looking for in a man and what her goals are for the future.
Chances are that if you've put all the good stuff in there that it will come out in the conversation, and she will be able to focus again by verbalizing her goals.
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Jul 09
I think from what I have seen in the last few days you may be right. If he doesnt come around this weekend,I am going to have one hell of a conversation with her. I am not in any way trying to run her life, at least not intentionally. She is a great person. She was the first grandchild so my mom always had her. She even moved with my mom to be closer to the bus stop and ended up staying until 3 months ago. I always kept a stiff upper lip. I never made her feel bad even though I missed our time. She's back at home now and I just want her to be okay. My mother put her through enough. she is only one person. Thanks for your support. I needed to seriously know if I was doing something as a mother I shouldnt. You dont know how much your comments helped me. dl
@Shaun72 (15959)
• Palatka, Florida
10 Jul 09
No you aren't wrong at all. It sounds to me like he is playing her. My ex husband had his ex wife come here while we were still together I sort of knew he was seeing her on the side before he left me and I told him that to but he kept telling me it was all in my mind. I wasn't a complete idot I mean he was telling me that she was coming up to his job and then when she came here to my house claiming since I know her that she wanted to see me and be friends still. Then after he left me I figured him all out. I hope your daughter figures this man out before he hurts her espically at her age.
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Jul 09
I am sorry you had to experience this first hand. I have too. Honestly I think alot more men and women have been thru it. It's just embarassing to admit. I can understand that. I hope that it wouldn't be much longer. They have been together such a short time that maybe it will fall apart before the "love" word begins. I pray that this never comes to be. Thanks for your well wishes.I need them dl
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
10 Jul 09
I'm late to the party as usual, dloveli, but you did take the right action in this case. This guy is abusive and probably wants to have his cake as well as eat it! I hope that you will continue to counsel your daughter, and maybe soon she will be showing him the back of her head!
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Jul 09
Hey Worldwise! I was hoping you'd come to my rescue. You have always been a great comfort to me. This will be no exception. At first I was impressed because he was taking her places. When I met him, It was immediate that I saw how he would have to let you know that he made $800 a week and he had a nice car that he loves more than women. Its obnoxious. Then the newness wore off and quickly too. I would hear peices of their conversations and he would talk to her as if she was a peice of crap. OH HELL NO! I kept it to myself and tried to get past it. He kept inviting me to dinner and I kept saying I was busy. I realized that it was time to accept. When He comes here I say is the offer still open? Of course him being a know-it-all big shot he wasnt going to say no. He tells me he'll be back in an hour. THat would've been 6:30p.m.. I said to make it 7 and that way we would all be ready.HE NEVER SHOWED UP!. He thinks he can treat me like that too. We went the next day and when I tell you all he did was bit*h at my daughter. I mean it. I dont want to keep pushing it though because she does have a knack for the little guy. If I keep on pushing it, she may feel bad for him as if I was picking on him. Thanks for your support my friend. I pray that the last things he sees IS the back of her head as she's walking out on his sorry butt. You said it best. Thanks again my friend and Happy MyLotting. dl
@AcousticSoul (1309)
• United States
9 Jul 09
WOW that is crazy, I'm glad you stepped in. he sounds like he's an a hole and has no respect for people. he is still messing with the baby moms. they were together for 8 years, and they are spending time to gether come on. he is cheating on your daughter. I say drop him because he has a child, and he talks down to your daughter. what kind of man is that to disrepect you her mother... he has alot of growing up to do and your daughter still has time to date and find the right guy. at least let him be single with no attachments...you did the right thing thats what mothers are for to see things from an outside perspective
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Jul 09
Wow! you have said it all. He says he isnt messing with the baby's momma. Come on now you mean to tell me after 8 years you would end it just likt that. If that is the case why did she have to go last weekend when you took your son. Why sleep alone when you can go upstair and sleep with a warm body. Come off of it! What do I look like an idiot. What he does when my daughter starts to question him, he'll turn it on her an make up something stupid to yell at her like why didnt you answer your phone when I called you at 3 am. And stupidly or naively I should say, my girl falls for it and it takes the focus off him. He's not that stupid. However, I dont think he figured that I would be in the equation either. Watch out SUCKA I am not the one! Thanks for your support. WHen he's gone believem YOU will know because I will be shouting it from the mountain. Either that or check your email. one or the other. lol dl
@positiveminded1977 (7072)
• India
10 Jul 09
Oh dear, he sounds like a skunk, and he is not completely free of his old relationship. Moreover, isn't he too old for your daughter? I really hope your daughter gets over her infatuation/love or whatever she calls it for him. There are so many good guys in the world. Why waste one's energy on the bad eggs?
Cheers and happy Mylotting
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Jul 09
He's not just a bad egg, he's a rotten egg. He is a little older than I would like for her. Early 30's I believe. She is starting to realize it on her own. Which is what we want. I try not to say much when she is badmouthing him. If she thinks I am enjoying it she might feel bad and keep him around. I found out that his ex still lives in the same apartment building he lives in. Not the same apartment supposedly. The same building. I told her that he wasnt finished with the ex yet. I dont want to hurt her. I want her to see for herself. thanks friend. I am saving all the responses to show her that people we havent even met feel the same as I do. dl
@Bethany1202 (3431)
• United States
10 Jul 09
Sounds like he is a bit controlling and might even have a bit of a temper, and I don't think those two things are good characteristics for a man (or a woman) to have.
I hope your daughter makes the decision that's right for her, whatever it may be, and doesn't get hurt. I have had some really bad relationships before, and have seen my friends and family in some as well. I know it can be tough to watch them make mistake after mistake sometimes and stay with a loser, but they will only leave when THEY are ready, not when anyone else tells them to. Such is life.
Best wishes to your daughter and you, hopefully things get better soon.
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Jul 09
It is very true that a temper and control arent good together. I think she is beginning to see. She was in a long term relationship with a nice guy. They did have a few issues and broke up. Now this idiot comes along and he is picking up my daughter's phone and yelling at her ex. Like I told him, dont ever do that in my house on her or my phone, and he has to understand they have a history. The same as his son's mother. Only they dont have children. I hope it doesnt take too long. I think she enjoys the laptop that's why she wont dump him. I just bought a new HP mini notebook. Its being shipped to me I had some work done on it. When it gets here I am going to let her have access to it. I know she wants her own. I talked to a friend of mine and he works for a rental place. He said he will sell me one that they repoed. He is a computer whiz so he would hook it up for me. I am not telling her until I get it. This is how important my children are. MY husband keeps telling me to butt out. I am sorry this is something that can be avoided. If it takes my last breath it WILL be avoided. I hope. thanks for listening and sharing advice. dl
@savypat (20216)
• United States
9 Jul 09
I have three grown children and I have learned to just stay out of their relationships, I just listen and only offer any advice if asked straight out. We have to remember that now that our children are grown we can no longer protect them from the pain that life brings. You daughter is learning about relationships and as you know it's usually a painful path. I know you have been careful to stay out of it and I think you had a valid complaint about what happened in your house but be careful, you don't want your daughter to blame you for any breakup, she needs to do her own thing, if she can find a way to blame you she will not learn the lesson intended. Blessings
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Jul 09
I usually dont but into her relationships. As you say if she asks for advice I give it. This is one time that to be quite honest I dont care if she blames me. We all know that it eventually goes away the minute there is another crisis of the heart. Me and my daughters have a great relationship. I have been honest with them since they were born. I will not start something new now or because some idiot steps into our live thinking he is the bomb diggity. Sometimes in life we have to take chances. This is one of them for us. If she was 14 or 16 I wouldnt butt in at all. But this is a man that has pulled her in with lavish gifts, treating her like a princess. Its almost as if he is saying its time to pay up. This means you do what I want and say. Hell no she wont. I dont care if she is 50 SHE WONT! I do understand what your saying and I thank you for your advice. dl
@SViswan (12051)
• India
11 Jul 09
You are definitely NOT wrong! And remembering myself at 20/21, I can see why your daughter might be mad at you.....but I'm glad now (more than a decade later) that my parents reacted the way you did. You are right...right ...right...and your daughter will realize it. And the best part is that you confronted this DORK in front of your daughter...so she gets a chance to see him for what he is and start thinking. He's not over his ex yet...and he wants to date your daughter too...have his cake and eat it too. He's just looking for someone to control....it probably didn't work with his ex and that's why they aren't 'together' anymore. Now, he gets to spend time with the ex as well as control your daughter....some men are such ...gosh...I can't even find a word to describe such people!
@GardenGerty (157494)
• United States
9 Jul 09
I think you have been really reserved in trying to wake her up. I hope she is paying attention. I can see that she has gotten blinded by just having him around all the time. His giving her some space may have backfired for him as it may have gotten her to think. I bet he wanted her to have the laptop to keep the ex from seeing it and wanting it.
1 person likes this
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
9 Jul 09
You were definitely NOT wrong. I would have reacted the same way. I hope your daughter sees what a mistake she would make to say with this guy. He seems to be be a know-it-all, controlling, selfish SOB who is just using your daughter.
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Jul 09
In the beginning I think she thought I wasnt acting in her best interest. I just didnt want her to be with him. Now that I have had a chance to learn a little about him and his ways of doing things, I know what he's about. He is a cocky motherfu**** who thinks because he gets a good pay check, drives a nice car, and has a legal job he can do or say whatever he want. Not in my family buddy! He's sickening Whiteheather. Sickening. I am seeing a different attitude from my daughter. I think she realizes and is going to handle it on her own. WHen it's over, I will let u know. Believe me you will be hearing me in your state I will be yelling so loud. lol dl
@imajerseygirl (433)
• United States
9 Jul 09
As a daughter that was in a bad relationship, No I don't think you were wrong. I wish I listened to my parents about my last bad relationship. As a mother now, I understand the saying of mother knows best. I am glad that your daughter saw his real colors. You are a good mom.
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Jul 09
I am glad that someone else can relate to what is going on. I am also a vicim of a ballness dork!. I cant tell you how mad I get when I see him with this cocky look on his face as if to say" Yeah I am playing your daughter. so what!" I want to kick his skinny ball less as*! She is coming around on her own. That's better than leaving him because of me. ALthough as long as she leaves him I really could care less who it is because of.lol. When the day comes I will be the one to hand him his sh*tty lap top and tell him to BE GONE! lol dl
@Sweetchariot (1718)
• United States
10 Jul 09
Unfortunately, this man sounds like a control freak, and I would question why he was with his ex as well. Doesn't sound like this would be a dream guy for anyone. However, you're statement that "you can't allow this to happen" is something YOU can't control either. Your daughter is 21, and is now an adult. She has to make her own choices in life, her own mistakes. You can't be playing the role of the controlling mother either. All you can be for her is her friend, now. You can suggest, listen, and be there for her, but you can no longer make her decisions.
