Running into ex-fiance on a social site

United States
July 11, 2009 6:21pm CST
Oh my, I am sooo uncomfortable about this. Last night, my ex-fiance of 22 years ago contacted me on facebook. I have been happily married now for 17 years and my life is fine. He wrote to see how I was and to tell me he has been divorced for 11 years and has two kids. I dropped our engagement because I was way too young to be married and I still wanted to be free to explore life. (I was with him from age 16 to 18 and broke his heart when I dumped him) I wrote back a quick note saying I have been married for 17 years and have a very busy life and stated that I hope he is doing well. I did not "friend" him or give him any details. I also did not tell my husband. Why make hubby worry or feel upset over nothing? What do you think? Would you have replied to an ex? Tell your mate about it? Or ignore the message? And how can I stop thinking about this? I know I am obsessing.
3 people like this
12 responses
• United States
11 Jul 09
Not enough info here... Sure you are giving us the facts... but you have neglected the feelings part. Let's face it... facts don't upset us... feelings do. The fact that you don't want to tell your hubby... tends to lend credence to the fact you still have hidden feelings for the ex... however small and however remote they are. It's not him you are worried about but you. You don't want these feelings to resurface and honestly interacting with the ex will cause this... to some certain degree. I'm not saying that these feelings have any bearing on your life you have now. I'm not suggesting you would ever leave your hubby or anything like that. All I am saying is that.. I think you have some unresolved issues with your ex. Would I ignore any communications from any of my exes? No... but we are talking about me and I was usually the one getting dumped and not the other way around. So I am secure in the fact that I did the best I could at that time with that person and I still wasn't enough to keep them interested. If I was with someone... would I not tell them if an ex communicated with me? yes I would tell them. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't secure enough in my love for them, their trust in me, and my dedication to them to make an issue of it. So long as its not an on-going communication what should your husband worry about? Your ex contacted you not the other way around. If anything your husband should be flattered that he has you... and some other poor saps might be out there pining away for you LOL.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (99325)
• United States
12 Jul 09
You have done a very good answer here. It sounds like you have made your way to a great level of maturity to be able to post like this. I agree that she should not hide this from hubby, but tell him. It takes all the power out of the situation if the truth is in the light. The truth is, she did not marry him, she got over him, and she has had a good life. It is flattering to hear from an ex, but it should not be earth shattering.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jul 09
I don't have any feelings for the ex except for guilt. He was a mess after I broke up with him. The feelings I am dealing with now is the memories of how innocent I was when I was with him and what ended up happening to me in the 3 years afterwards before I met my now-husband. It is sadness about the loss of puppy love and childhood dreams that never came true. Plus I was cruel to him when I dumped him. He wouldn't leave me alone, practically stalked me so I said some really hurtful things to make him leave me alone. Thanks for writing.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (99325)
• United States
12 Jul 09
So by contacting you he is letting you know that he survived and moved on as well.
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17925)
• United States
12 Jul 09
I also think that you should tell your husband about this. It's not unusual for old friends/flames to contact folks on sites like Facebook and I think you did the right thing by telling your ex that you're married and not "friending" him. You need to get your mind off of him though because thinking about him is not healthy for your marriage. The What Ifs...wondering...can only lead you down a path you most likely don't want to go.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jul 09
Yep, you too are right. A tiny piece of me may be curious about what happened with the guy's life, but it is none of my business and it would just complicate my life if I started talking to him. Thanks for your response!
@GardenGerty (99325)
• United States
12 Jul 09
I would actually tell my hubby. I did once when I was admiring an acquaintance. Telling hubby just absolutely defused the whole situation. It was smart to drop an engagement when you were too young. I would just leave the contact as you did, but tell hubby, and tell him how uncomfortable it made you feel.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jul 09
You are probably right. I think I will tell him and kinda laugh so he understands how silly the whole thing is. Thanks!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Jul 09
You should stop thinking about him and concentrate more in your family lives. But, if he insist to be your friend and you see nothing wrong with it. Remain friend but do not go beyond the boundary of friendship. You could tell it to your husband to be honest. You should told him where did you meet again. if your husband is not a jealous type of person it is good not to tell a lie. But, if he is the opposite. No need to tell and if you no longer have feeling with your ex, better stay away. Maybe, advice him to find another woman and you are not interested anymore if it happen he has still feeling for you.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jul 09
If he writes me again on facebook, I will ignore the letter. I don't want to be mean but I just can't let him hope for anything with me. Thanks for your answer.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Jul 09
I guess you should be honest with him. The things that you keep from him might cause problems in the future. It is already 22 years ago so I think he won't mind what you will tell him. I guess he would understand.
• United States
12 Jul 09
Hey all, I told my hubby and it was a non-issue, didn't phaze him one bit. I was nervous for nothing! LOL! Thanks everyone who wrote! Happy MyLotting!
• United States
12 Jul 09
Ooops, I meant faze.... I guess I should spell check before hitting post. LOL
• United States
12 Jul 09
Hey, if I were you I would not worry. After all 22 years is a long time ago. If you ask me he is not wanting nothing more than to see how you are doing. I don't see anything wrong with writing hime back if it was just to tell him how you are doing. Stop worrying about it you did nothing wrong. Toni McBride Avon Representative http://www.youravon.com/tmcbride3833
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
12 Jul 09
Responding to him is not wrong at all. At one point in your lives you were very close and it sounds as if you just naturally grew apart and moved on. I do think that if you continue to correspond with this guy that you should let your hubby in on it. You know how these things have a way of coming out and it would not look good if he found out from anyone or any source other than you. It sounds as if you are curious about him also which is understandable.
@unclestan (152)
• Canada
12 Jul 09
Let the past remain the past. I would not in any way encourage this relationship from the past. It's just too easy to get caught up in the "pleasant memories" of our teen years, especially when they occurred when our hormones were way out of control and before we had any real adult responsibilities. It's easy to stop thinking about it ....just think for a minute what your life would be like adjusting to two strange kids; adjusting to the changes to the man you haven't had contact with in 22 years and all the other disruptions that could occur in your presently happy life (divorce,having to move,change jobs,financial etc.). Why play with fire?
• United States
12 Jul 09
Don't hesitate to mention it to your hubby, after all there is no harm done. That guy belongs to the past, and he should remain there, unless of course you wanted to bring him into the present. When your feelings got all bothered with the incident that happened in the past, just look what you got in the present. When you look into your family now, the past will not haunt you anymore and you can totally ignore him.
@Razzles (391)
• United States
12 Jul 09
You have every right to feel uncomfortable about this. I think you should tell your husband about this, because if you don't, he may find out sooner or later and then you will regret it for not telling him sooner. I think that by writing to your ex, you are keeping the doors open and I think they should stay shut. You have everything to lose and he has nothing to lose. He is probably hoping that you are not happy in your marriage and by you writing him, he has high hopes of winning you back into his heart and eventually into his home.You have been happily married for 17 years. Don't blow it!
• United States
12 Jul 09
if you keep thing about it most likely its showing your not over him,hmmmmmm if i were you i wouldn't say anything to my hubby cus his not realy in this and if thats all thats going to happed then its not that big unless there is more to this.
• Philippines
12 Jul 09
I am sure you're uncomfortable with it. my advice is that if you really don't want to talk to him, then just ignore him completely and tell you hubby about how uncomfortable you feel. or you can talk to him to finally settle the score and tell him that you have moved on. . i know i did, i ven apologize for some of my x for crushing their dreams.