Friends with an ex?

United States
July 16, 2009 10:50pm CST
Do you all feel that you can be friends with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend? How about in this specific scenario: Say that for example, a guy or girl that you have dated before you met your current significant other, has always tried to come in and out of your life to establish some sort of romantic relationship. Now, he or she claims they want to be just friends and that their intentions have changed. The problem is he or she have tried to mess up your relationships before and now your current significant other isn't too fond of him or her because he or she hasn't respected your relationship before by always calling. Now they say that he/she is only trying to be friends with no ulterior motives. If you were in this position, would you put the past behind you and try to work towards an innocent friendship (if that is truly the case) or would you cut the person off totally and move on with your life?
3 people like this
19 responses
@ShibbyKid (279)
• United States
17 Jul 09
I think being friends with ex's is a common and healthy way for the two of you to work things out, talk things out, and get over each other. Also, if being separate does not work out, you both will have a better chance at getting back together. If they have done you wrong and you wish they were out of your life and you do not even want to know their name anymore then friendship would not be the right choice. So i would say friendship after relationship falls apart should be left up to the both of you to decide.
3 people like this
• United States
17 Jul 09
I agree. It definitely depends on the two individuals involved in the situation. If they feel that they have the ability to just be friends then it could work. If not, then they are better off moving on with their own lives.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jul 09
Yeah, it's better for both of them. Even if one disagrees it might be the best choice in the end. The other will find a way to get over it. Even if they have to cry to friends or family, as long as somebody is there to listen.(: Good post, have a good day!
2 people like this
@dephie77 (106)
• Australia
17 Jul 09
I think for the first month after broke up it's really weird to be innocent as friends with ex. Should be a gap to forget the past time's memories. After that, maybe we could be friends but still, awkwardness does exist even a little bit.
3 people like this
• United States
17 Jul 09
This is true. I think it is better to wait a while to truly see if you can be friends with this person. After all, you do have to get used to them in your life again as just a friend and not a romantic partner.
1 person likes this
@weasel81 (2501)
• Australia
17 Jul 09
i feel i could be friends with an ex, but most likely not close. here's one for you thou. my partner and i have been told we're not going to last and i really believe that, i feel i'm ready to move on in life i just have to wait to get rid of my partner. thing is now we can talk better about somethings than we did before, of course it all depends on his mood on how he may take something. my work mate pointed out something the other week really well on the having kids issue. he knows whats' been going on between my partner and i. i've got a few female problems and one way to improve it was go back on the pill, his comment was one of more point blank about kids and that fact was it ain't going to happen again with my partner. so here's hoping i can still be friends with my partner when we spilt, not just for our son sake.
3 people like this
• United States
17 Jul 09
Oh wow so you really don't want to be with your partner anymore...does he have any ideas about this? Perhaps you should talk to him so that he knows how you feel about him. Or are you just waiting for the right time to bring the issue up?
1 person likes this
@janebeth (2034)
• Philippines
17 Jul 09
hi krayzietam, that is a good topic, and that's for real.. i have this friend who actually experienced that situation, and believe me she handles it very well even if it's very hard to adjust this two guys, the past and the present.. good for the present because it's ok for him that his girl will treat friendship to his guy, even if they will go out just the two of them.. this present guy is very naive, dunno why..!! but still both of them are happy and they are enjoying their 3rd year anniversary with this pat guy..!! janebeth..
3 people like this
• United States
17 Jul 09
Oh wow. That is interesting. I guess the present guy probably doesn't realize that the guy still wants to be in his girlfriend's life. Hopefully, they can just be genuine friends without the guy trying to push up on the situation.
1 person likes this
@miller1978 (1104)
• United States
17 Jul 09
Awkwardness. Definitely not what I had in mind but sometimes it's best to remain friends with exes when it involves children. That's my case. We just found out in June that they finally completed the paternity testing on my youngest son and his father came back to live in the same state we live in. The awkwardness is from me having my boyfriend of 2 yrs and my ex having a pregnant girlfriend. I don't think either one of them like the idea of us having a friendship but we are doing it for our son. Right now it's still all new and all parties involved are trying their best to get along like mature adults. Sometimes it's just hard but you have to put your best foot forward. As far as remaining friends with exes that I don't have a child with. There's a few but it's not nearly as strange to me. We hang like buddies and if we get on each others nerves we just stay away from each other. Sometimes we even go to the bars together and once in awhile dance.
2 people like this
• United States
17 Jul 09
This is really good. I am happy that you and your ex are getting along for the sake of your child involved. I know that it may be awkward on both ends (especially for the new girlfriend and boyfriend), but it has to be done because the child needs both of his parents in his life. Hopefully you all can work it out, and as time passes it won't be so awkward anymore.
2 people like this
• United States
2 Aug 09
Thanks. It's already starting to get a little better but time will tell. The last visit was actually an all day visit and I let them come to my place since they don't have a house of their own so that we could be comfortable and talk about a lot of the stuff that is going on in the present and future.
@Ravenladyj (22937)
• United States
17 Jul 09
It would depend on a lot of different factors actually...key one being what my ex's personality is like...If I know in my gut that he's shady then I wouldnt waste my time....Also it would depend on the current relationship and how strong it is... I am one of those ppl who actually stays friends with my exs more often than not simply because it just makes sense to me..we were friends BEFORE dating so unless the relationship was abusive in any way, why not stay friends after breaking up ya know...
2 people like this
• United States
17 Jul 09
I can understand that. I guess it just depends on how the relationship went in the first place to see if you can actually go back to being just friends. It does also depend on your current relationship to see if your partner is comfortable with it.
1 person likes this
• Jamaica
17 Jul 09
Although after a break up and feelings may be all over the place, over the passage of time, it is in fact quite possible to become friends with an ex - quite good ones at that even! I am personally friends with all my ex-girlfriends, as I believe it is not only a waste of time and energy to mad at someone, but also something that is very sad. Of course feelings of nostalgia WILL come back, because you dated the person obviously signifying that you had a lot in common. Each person deals with such situations in different ways - in cases where it is manageable, the exes can remain friends. If not, then it is best they remain distant.
2 people like this
• United States
17 Jul 09
I can agree here. I guess it just depends on the individuals involved and who you get in a present relationship with. What if your girlfriend wasn't comfortable with you being friends with your ex-girlfriends? Would you dump your present girlfriend if she didn't get over that feeling or would you stop being friends with your exes?
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jul 09
I would cut them off. Personally I feel that talking to ex's can lead to issues, it leaves the doors open and I feel that they need to be kept shut, It can lead you to fantasizing about the past and how things used to be and could be, which distracts you from the current relationship. And if your current boyfriend/girlfriend isnt comfortable with the relationship, then that needs to be considered as well. And if the Ex has tried to start trouble before with ulterior motives, I wouldnt trust them again.
2 people like this
• United States
17 Jul 09
This is very true. Sometimes talking with an ex does lead to other issues such as reflecting on what could have happened between the two of you. It is best to move on in this specific situation. In other cases, it would probably work out if both parties were mature enough to establish a real friendship.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
17 Jul 09
There is always possibilities especially if the relationship with the ex is truely because of their care for each other. It really depends on how the "special" relationship ended. If it ended because of affair, then it may well be the end. But if the relationship ended because of true differences and each other agrees that they are better off with someone else, it is possible.
• United States
17 Jul 09
Yep, it truly does depend on how the relationship went and ended. In some cases it is better to move on with your lives than to try to re-establish a true friendship again without the romantic component.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 Jul 09
I had 2 exes and we are good friends now. But that didn't happen instantly. It in all tough events in life, it really takes time to adjust and move on. But i know in the perfect time, in God's perfect time everything will be okay.
• United States
17 Jul 09
I completely agree. Everything takes time. Time heals wounds and time allows you to reflect on things in your life. I believe in order to truly be friends with an ex, it takes some time to get over that romantic stage.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jul 09
I'd cut ALL ties. Period. That's what I've had to do in the past and I'd do it again. Because what happens if the one you're with now is your soul mate? And what if the one who USE to be with you, screws something up? Think of what you'll be missing out on. A LOT. And that would be a sad thing. I'd forget the others. They're in your past for a reason.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Jul 09
This is true. Sometimes someone in your past can mess up a good thing if you allow them to. I guess it is best to just move on with your own lives sometimes.
@jan436 (4)
17 Jul 09
i would certainly be hesitant to take him / her back as a friend. If not for anything else out of respect for my current partner. I'm sure if the roles were reversed I would not be ecstatic of the idea of my partners ex loitering around. I don't think it is a civil thing to cut someone with whom you have shared emotions / experiences with completely out of your life but I definitely would maintain a distance.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Jul 09
Yes, I agree. I think this is a good way to look at the situation.
• Philippines
17 Jul 09
What's wrong making friends with your ex? you two did started as friends right? and even as you two were formerly into the relationship, you were still friends.so, why would you ask that question if you just only give up the relationship. unless you have given up your friendships as well.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jul 09
If I was in the situation I would cut that person completely off and move on with my life. It seems like they have been given too many chances and they just keep messing up. They may end up messing this new relationship up and it may be the right one for you.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jul 09
hey whats up everybody its tg live with hit topics but yes im best friends with an ex is it weird yes bescause she tells me all her stuff u shouldnt tell an ex lol but yea she preety cool and we get along well if he ever breaks her hurt ill kill em lol and well get right back together haha but yea check out my topics my new one first kiss tell me what you think tg live with hit topics$$$
1 person likes this
@kaykaygee (117)
• United States
18 Jul 09
Ohhh, I was actually going to start a discussion VERY similar to this. I think in this very specific situation, I totally understand why the current would be unhappy with the ex. In real relationship, if you really want to make it last, you have to respect each other and lovers come first. My situation is a little different. I have an ex boyfriend that I dated 5 years ago in high school, and for only 4 months before we found out that we'd be better as friends. I've had feelings for him off an on, but recently I've realized it was only because he seriously wounded my self-esteem when he left and I wanted to gain that confidence back by being good enough for him. When I realized this, I completely stopped having feelings for him that weren't more than friendship. HOWEVER... My current boyfriend is the love of my life, but he absolutely can NOT stand me being friends with ANY exs. He argued that if I loved him enough I would respect that he felt that way and drop my friend. I tried, but I couldn't because my ex is a major part of me now. He truly is my best friend. But the only reason I argued is that we were friends BEFORE this boyfriend and that he obviously has nothing to worry about. My best friend even just got engaged. Haha. I finally convinced my current that he should talk to my friend and it turns out they get along and have a lot in common so now they understand and respect each other. So all in all, I think it depends on the specific situation.
@trisha27 (3498)
• United States
17 Jul 09
I had a friend like that and it never worked even when they say they have no other motives and just want to be friends. In the past I had always went back to being their friends. Well now that I am married and out of respect for my husband I would just let him go and not even be his friend. So id be like sorry but no and there was a true reason why I broke up with them. Mainly all the men that I broke up with or we broke up besides that one, well that one too had good reasons to not even be friends with them, so that would never cross my mind. I personally believe if you are in a real serious relationship then there's no point in ruining it with allowing your ex back in and just to be friends.
• India
17 Jul 09
i think going ahead wid an innocent relation wud not be wrong... friendship and love r 2 different paths.. dont mix it up..
@witmuch (184)
• United States
17 Jul 09
I am friends with my ex-husband, mostly because we have two sons together. His new wife and I are friends and we mostly talk about our kids and are friends for the sake of our kids. He has never tried to come back into my life as anything else but a friend. He actually prefers to stay away from me as much as possible and I feel the same way about him. But we are comfortable around each other if we are in the same room. What we had is ancient history and we have two great kids out of what we had. Witmuch