While arguing with your spouse, would you rake up old, forgotten spates?

India
July 27, 2009 3:16am CST
Imagine this: You are in a bad mood, had a bad day at work, and are generally troubled by PMS symptoms too. You arrive home and find that your husband or wife also is in an equally bad mood. You say something, they retort, an argument flares up in no time. While you are passionately arguing (just for the sake of it) would you drag ex-flames, girlfriends, boyfriends, past hurts, allegations? Or do you just simply stick to the topic over which your arguement started? Thanks
3 people like this
10 responses
@divkris (1163)
• India
27 Jul 09
well well - if it is an argument for the sake of it - then i wouldn't drag those horrible memories from teh past. But if it is meant to be a serious one then i would surely broach all those matters that were never closed earlier :) I'm not a very argumentative person and do not apreciate participating in arguments but when it comes to justify your stand i turn every leaf to prove that i was right - LOL :)
1 person likes this
• India
27 Jul 09
Well, as a rule, hub and I do not rake up issues, nowadays. If there are resentments, I usually say, "I want to discuss something that you/your mom/your dad said. I am feeling hurt." This approach is working. Because, it gives hub a chance to fortify himself before my onslaught. On my part, I try to keep the temper in check and stick to the topic solidly. End of it, when we have sorted out issues, I see if all skeletons are laid back. Else, I tell him, dude, one skeleton is still hanging. Let's do it some other time. :) Works...
@divkris (1163)
• India
27 Jul 09
Good for you. My hubby would not even lend his ears to me whatever i try - LOL. Let me see if your trick really works in my case. :)
@daliaj (5689)
• India
27 Jul 09
This is a very good question. I hate it when my husband or even my close friends bring up issues happened in the past while aruguing. Since I don't like somebody to do that to me, I don't like to do that to somebody. So, I try my best not to bring up issues which are already discussed and closed while arguying. In my family, I will be the person who starts the fight most of the times. The issues happened in the past won't come up usually. But, sometimes the issues will be connected and we can't completely ignore events happened in the past.
1 person likes this
• India
27 Jul 09
Yes, when issues are connected, you can't help but pull it back into the spotlight. In this case, probably, one can keep the vocabulary in check.
• United States
27 Jul 09
Hi tutor19us. This is actually a very unhealthy thing to do. If you are willing to move on in your relationship then that requires forgiving the other of things from the past. To bring them up again in arguement could mean that you never truely forgave them. I've done this myself and realized that I was still holding resentments. Not to mention, it adds much more fuel to the fire and gives us more to regret if we end up making up. Sometimes for me if my day is going really bad it is best for me to not be around anyone until I can get in a more positive mood. It's hard to not let my "bad mood" rub off on others. I was told that the reason we take our bad moods out on our spouses and people close to us is because we are secure in our relationships with them.We know that they aren't going to leave us. Unfortunatly, these are the ones we shoulkd be treating the best!
• India
27 Jul 09
What you say is true, Marlena. When you are arguing on something, and you feel it has gone too far, you clamp down and edn it there. Though the arguement has ended, the point that you wanted to put across (a genuine one) or some hurt you wanted to give vent to is left unattended. This becomes a sore point and the more you try to forget it, the more entrenched it becomes in your psyche. And out it pops like soda in some unconnected arguement. This only means that somewhere we forget to communicate clearly and practically. If you are done arguing, but you still are harboring some resentment, it would be best to bring up the topic again and sit down for a discussion in a calmer state of mind. When you guys are feeling calm, you may even see the rational side of the topic rather feel agitated about the whole thing.
• India
27 Jul 09
Sounds very familiar..i have this VERY bad habit of bringing up past issues over arguement and i am working towards maintianing quiteness/calmness during such times though its very hard for me... sticking to the topic is realy difficult but im sure its no impossibke so i wil try to overcome this eventually for betr communication
1 person likes this
• India
27 Jul 09
I know. Only when you realise you have hurt your spouse very badly, you tend to feel bad about your temper. By then, its kinda late to patch up. The hurt goes away in a few days, but what better than holding that tongue and reigning in your temper. Maybe a deeeep breath and a quick exit from the scene might help us? Thanks
@radx682 (327)
• India
27 Jul 09
Well, this is a nice topic. Whenever we fight and so far that we have fought we never stuck to the same topic / argumemt. We always go to the extent of blaming our parents, fore fathers, not ex-flames (sorry he / me didn't have any) and then when we are trying hard to stop the argument, only then we realize than we have gone a long way..hehe. Actually, it is really disappointing when you find your partner also in bad mood. Because I will expect him to pamper or console me and you find that no one is in the mood to do that, at that time it is really really annoying. Sticking to the same topic or argument is really really difficult for us :-)
• India
27 Jul 09
Yeah, I agree. It seems very very tough to just let go when we are passionately fighting on a topic. It may seem very irrelevant when you look bck. But at that moment, it is the only important thing you want to do and talk about. You tend not to nurse your wounds too so that the hurt makes you more angry. I know people who do that, just to keep the arguement alive. Thanks for sharing
@flaredust (728)
• Indonesia
27 Jul 09
Not often do that, but if that really happens we usually just stick on the argument's basic topic. She works at night and I work at the morning, so we actually have less time to get caught in fighting we spend our time together just in the weekend, but that's not always keep us away from some little conflict. Mostly if we're in the same state of bad mood we just keep quite, stop talking for few hours, and after the mood go away, we just forgetting the past and talking over like before.
1 person likes this
• India
27 Jul 09
Very good flaredust. I wish many of us follow your rule. :) Thanks for sharing
@weasel81 (2502)
• Australia
27 Jul 09
gee that sound familar, you can say something to my partner at one stage and he takes it good then a while later it come back to bite you on the butt!! he can be in the mood for an argument, so he starts at something and it goes from there. it annoys me draging up the past, or the other factor i get accused of is having an affair with my work mate. it's the same old story each time.
1 person likes this
• India
27 Jul 09
Very true. It is very annoying to rake up old issues each time you argue. Some of us even tend to become very vengeful when agry. During cooler times, you would not even think of hurting your partner with such words. Thanks for sharing.
@soulist (2987)
• United States
28 Jul 09
I try not to bring up old fights I mean what is the point in bringing up old pains in a fight. If I am arguing with my man I keep the argument to one subject to help keep it from blowing out of proportion. I think bringing up old spats just causes more problems.
@Twiddles (30)
• United States
27 Jul 09
I can say this. I am very good at bringing up the past. Yes..Yes..I ADMIT IT! I DO IT! Most of the time it's not intentional but it fits whatever we may be arguing about. Sometimes it may even just get my point across just a little bit more. I try not to do it...but it happens!He has gotten so used to it that he just gives that ever so roll of the eyes, huff and puff, and blow. LOL. I try to just stick to the topic at hand, but sometimes those old feelings come flooding out. I know I'm not the only one. My friend say's it's because I hold on to things and hardly say what I feel sometimes, but I think it's just me. I have grown to not bring up the past all the time. It takes a lot of work though. Admitting that I do it was half the battle! LOL
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Jul 09
I never do. Anytime he wants to tell me something, I always promise that I will never bring it up again. I feel if I violate that then he won't tell me things and I don't want to violate trust or have a relationship where we don't talk. Now we talk about everything because he knows I will never judge or bring it up again.
1 person likes this