Can anyone tell me how to deal with trust issues?

United States
July 28, 2009 1:45am CST
Here's a quick summary of where I'm at in my life with trusting people close to me, as a young girl I had a controling, alcoholic mother who beat me almost every night but in the mornings would wake me up for school and act as if the night before never happened leaving me to wonder why me being the 3rd child out of the four was I choosen by her to do this to. Now in my marriage I have come to figure out I have major trust issuse with my husband who always seems to be shady, he hurt me very early in our relationship by lying about a bunch of things not all major but enough to where now I always wonder if what he's telling me is true or not, this paranoia has created the worst anxiety for me and not to mention he is very verbally abusive when he gets angry and well honestly has a short fuse, That all in it's self makes it very hard to trust him, we have been seeing a consoler about all of this but I still cannot bring myself to trust alot of what he says finding myself in the same crazy cycle over and over. The lies most of the time are somewhat petty but still the same, hurt! So I guess I'm asking how do I start to forgive and for my own sanity move on? I just always feel that since the one person in this world made it hard for me to trust her and she never achknowlegded her wrong doing is why my trust in others can disappear so easily? How does one go about picking up the pieces and start moving on with their life? Anyone that may have suggustions and advice on any of this would be much appreciated!
4 responses
@kprofgames (3103)
• United States
28 Jul 09
I"m a bit confused but bear with me. I understand your childhood has a major dealings in your current relationship. What I don't understand is why you are still with a man that reduces you down to that helpless little girl. Trust has to come from within yourself. I think the first step is really venting and talking about your mother and they way she hurt you. You have to get the penned up anger out about your childhood first and forgive her. That's right, forgive her. Until you are able to do that you are still in this cycle of being the same little girl that can't trust her own mother to love her. As for your husband. He has issues - you don't! He is verbally abusive, has a quick temper and he lies. There isn't anything healthy about that relationship. Why do you hold on to it? What makes him the man you can't live without if he makes you feel miserible? I think a lot of people that do have trust issue is because they haven't come into their own as a whole person yet. Whatever is holding you back you need to bring it all up and adress it, deal with it so you can heal from it. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. A gal I know had something similar, but it was her drunk father. She's now - 2 marriages later, happy with herself. She found herself and was able to forgive both her parents for being who they are. She's come to acceptance and that is a major break through when it comes to your own personal growth. The trust has to come from you, but I don't see you having complete trust until you deal with the childhood that is holding you back.
• United States
28 Jul 09
Ok the hard part is when I first met my husband I was constantly blaming myself for every little thing that happened because in my mothers drunken rages she always made me feel like I was somehow deserving of what she was doing, this started when I was 9 years old and well I wish I could say it has stopped but to a little extent she still holds this power over me and every once in a blue moon when she is drunk becomes very mean and hurtful, no longer holding me down by sitting on me but it's like this switch, I always tell people I love my mother when she is sober but when she drinks I watch her and I can she when she is about to blow up so I take myself out of the situation, which makes me feel like I'm running from her but I feel it's easier to do that and to stick around and take the putting me down. One example and one of the first things my father of my little brother ever seen was around 4 years ago I had a friend with me and my brother had his girlfriend and we were at our family cabin for the weekend all drinking and having fun and my dad was being funny and he made a funny comment about my mom, everyone was laughing including her but out of nowhere she throw a pound bag of hard candies and hit me right in the face, everyone stopped and the look on my dad's face was shock I didn't say anything I just took off out the front door and went and hide in the shadows, my brother, his girlfriend and my friend found me and as we were out there my mom went outside like a crazy woman screaming for me and in the tone of her voice I knew I couldn't go back until she was in bed. For some reason I felt like I did something wrong even if I didn't make the comment and joined in with everyone and laughed I still somehow was to blame. Looking back now it makes me feel horrible I didn't deserve it. And my husband is important to me because he helped me to start and stand up to her and start realizing I can't always take the blame. I have been trying to forgive her but am finding that to be one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do in my life. I asked her one day why? why me? what did I do to deserve this and her responce was more paiful then anything she has ever done to me, she said "I don't know, I really don't know" that was the worst part but then she threw in "I'm a horrible mother and i'll just go kill myself." Then runs out of my house, it seems to be how she handles situations when they get tough. That last part of that sentence I heard alot growing up so I was constantly frightened that if something did happen to her everyone would blame me. I now feel like I'm her puppet and I don't know how to cut the strings it seems the harder I try the worse I end up. I really appreciate your comment it means alot to me and has hit home in alot of parts the easiest thing is to read it and I would be rooting you on if this information was given to someone else but the real true is I know it all makes perfect cents but figuring out how to do and where to start are the hard parts. Thank you so so very much!
• United States
29 Jul 09
You know, there is nothing wrong with just you seeing a councelor. This trust can also be penned up anger because of the control issues with your mother. Feeling like a puppet as an adult isn't a good thing. I'd work on trying to figure out why she still has the control then try to get out from under it.
• United States
28 Jul 09
The situation with your mom did indeed build you a foundation of having difficulty trusting people. Abuse has lasting effects. However, this with your husband is not as connected with her as you might think. It is in one way because of what you stated about trust issues. However, since he is lying to you that is its own situation. Especially when someone is lying about dumb things. You really cannot trst them in the big things then. And another thing, verbal abuse is still ABUSE and has the same effects on the victem as physical abuse, it's just not as easy to see the wounds. I suggest you try to talk to another counselor by yourself... it's difficult and fearful to try to talk about an abuser when they are there. It's nearly impossible because of the fear their abuse has caused.
• United States
28 Jul 09
Your comment is definatly to the point and very informative, thank you so much!!!
• Philippines
28 Jul 09
i admire you for being able to stand and endure what you have experience in growing up years of your life. and since you are already standing up, having a family of your own, keep firm and be strong always. you can do so by thinking of the present and the future totally forgetting the pain of the past. if your husband gives you reason to doubt him, let him know in a subtle way, in direct way but not in a violent or antagonistic way of showing him that you know he is lying. but, first you must have solid evidence that he is lying. in case, as you've said it is just a petty lie, and you can let it go, knowing him that much when he is going to lie and tell the truth, then let it be. don't hurt yourself even more thinking negatively of anyone, especially your husband. if you can still feel that he loves you, then of course you can still trust him, but if not, then it is up to you to weigh things up and discuss with him in a peaceful way that you want changes, and emphasize for telling each other the truth only, no lies not even white lies. for you to be strong, must know the true God, search for Him, call for Him and He will answer because He is alive. He knows what is going on with you. Contact a Jehovah's Witness, a group of people that you can really trust to tell you the truth about your Creator and then you will find peace, love and contentment beyond your understanding because the Almighty God will take best care of you, and in return you will be doing His Will that can give real happiness. problems are to be solved, it cannot be left unresolved for so long, we have to face it and the good news is, problems have always a corresponding solutions. so you have to study, and learn from your past, but not live with it, let go of it and begin a new day with a trusting heart by acknowledging that if you can trust yourself, ultimately you can trust someone you really love and really loves you back. life is what you make it, my friend by the help of the Almighty God, Jehovah thru his Son Jesus Christ. you can make it or break it, it is your call, but in doing so pray for guidance. you are a strong woman, you cannot let anything or anyone put you down. avoid misconception by thinking what is best for you. good that you ask for opinion, by then, you can weigh which way to go. trust or not to trust.
• United States
28 Jul 09
Thank you so much for your suggestions! There are alot of things I can take from what you said and feel better about certian situations!!!
• United States
29 Jul 09
I'm sorry that those things happened to you. I'm not sure how to deal with trust issues, because I think that each person deals with them in his or her own way. I think you have taken a good first step, though, because you are going to see a counselor together. That means that you both value the relationship and want to work on things. I think that is a great start.