Tired of living in fear

@KATRINKA (1659)
United States
August 1, 2009 2:40pm CST
I'm venting and also looking for advice, though I don't think there's much more I can do in this situation. Last winter I broke up with a guy who I was letting live with me at the time. I was sick of his suicide threats and crying and in general unstableness. It took me two months to get him to leave. Afterward he sent me letters, cards, text messages saying things like he loved me and will always love me. He also let me know he knew when I was home and who I had at my house. Once I was visiting my father in a hospital an hour away, and I was the only one who knew he was there. When I left the hospital for the night, the jerk texted me saying my dad was peacefully sleeping and asked if I was going to return to the room. I was terrified and got myself lost in the mountains on my way home because I wasn't sure if he was following me. I finally moved without telling him. After a couple months of not hearing from him (I had blocked all his emails and did not leave a forwarding address when I moved.) he sent me some harassing emails after he had gone back to my old residence to pick up some things he had left behind. He threatened to take me to court for those items he left behind. I didn't respond but kept the texts. Recently I was at the Wendy's drive through on my lunch break and he pulled his car right alongside mine and started yelling at me. I refused to look at him or respond. I couldn't go anywhere because he had me parked in. Eventually he gave up and left. I was shaking so badly I could barely drive. I almost collapsed when I got to work. At that point work is the safest place for me. He knows where I work, but I've changed my work schedule twice since we broke up. Everyone tells me that if he really wants to get to me, he'll show up there. He hasn't so far that I know. Last night my daughter and I went on a junk food run. On the way home, I was irritated with someone who was riding my tail and shining their high beams. When I turned onto another road, I started freaking out. It was the jerk. My daughter initially said I was just being paranoid. I turned into a brightly-lit development without turning on my turn signal in advance, and he turned. My daughter confirmed that it was the jerk. We were shaking and terrified. Eventually I was able to lose him. I'm not totally sure he didn't figure out where I live. So I live in fear. I doubt the police are going to do anything, as he hasn't done anything to hurt me nor has made any threats. I don't know what to do. I can't change jobs, as it is a good job. I can't move, because I just signed a lease on my place. And meanwhile, I live in fear. Thanks for letting me vent.
5 people like this
20 responses
@lelin1123 (15643)
• Puerto Rico
1 Aug 09
Sorry for what you and your daughter are going thru, but PLEASE GO TO THE POLICE. YOU NEED TO MAKE A REPORT. You tell the police everything you have stated in the above discussion. I am sure they can put a restraining order on him not to come in so many feet of you. This is terrible for you too be living in fear not to mention what this can be doing to your daughter. I wouldn't wait to go to the police. Especially he is by all your accounts UNSTABLE. You don't know what he is capable of truly. He can snap at anytime. Please don't put it off go to the police and I will pray for you and your daughter that this behavior of his comes to an end soon. Take care and be careful.
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
1 Aug 09
Thank you for your response. I guess I've been afraid of going to the police because he hasn't made any overt physical threats. I did find out that in my state, we don't have restraining orders. And since he hasn't actually hurt me, though he is terrorizing me with his mind games, I can't file a PFA. I do appreciate your response and your prayers.
@lelin1123 (15643)
• Puerto Rico
1 Aug 09
That makes no sense at all, so they have to wait for you too be hurt or worse killed. There has to be something you can do. I would still go to the police and tell your story. Oh this is just horrible. I thought they had restraining orders in every state. You learn something knew everyday. Good luck to you.
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
2 Aug 09
Thanks again. In this county, particularly, you have to be beaten to a pulp before the police do anything. I have a friend who has an abusive husband, and they tried to arrest her for fighting back. This county is messed up.
@dlr297 (5418)
• United States
1 Aug 09
That does not sound like a very good situation to be in. If i was you i would start calling the police every-time something happens. I would go to the station and talk to some one right away and take all the e-mails and any other thing you can that you saved. Their are stalking laws, and their are harassment laws. You can not keep living in fear, and you do have a daughter to think about. even if he does not do any thing to hurt you, i would make sure your local police department knows what is going on and that you are afraid of him, and what he might do. I would rather be safe than sorry.... Good luck to you.
1 person likes this
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
1 Aug 09
Thank you for your response! I wasn't sure if his behavior qualified as stalking, but it certainly feels that way. Thanks for the advice.
@dlr297 (5418)
• United States
2 Aug 09
Only the proper authorities will be able to help you and they will be able to help you through this, and even if they do not consider it against the law. i would want it on record if anything worst should happen, they will be able to go back and look at everything that has happened.
@drannhh (15241)
• United States
31 Oct 09
I was going to recommend pepper spray, but fortunately I see you commented above that you were going to do that. If he slacks off, please do not stop carrying pepper spray because there are other nuts out there, too. Please be sure your pepper spray is fresh and test the cannister every month of so, and practice in your mind how and when to properly use it, as readiness is so important. Self defense is partly your frame of mind. As hard as it is to do, conquering the fear is the first step because any kind of predator senses fear and that makes them bolder. I like the Green Machine spray because it marks your assailant and then there is evidence for a conviction. I hope this situation you described four months ago is history, but please continue to be prepared whenever you are out, especially alone.
1 person likes this
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
31 Oct 09
Thanks for this post as well. I do carry pepper spray, and I'm still very cautious, even though he seems to have slacked off. I had a close call at the grocery store yesterday, or so I thought. My sweetie and I were heading to our car after our shopping, and I noticed the stalker's car in the lot parked only a few a way from ours. I had a brief moment of panic. We loaded the car and left without incident. But as you said, I am continuing to be prepared and observant no matter where I am.
• United States
2 Aug 09
You need to get a restraining order on him and it needs to be brought up to the attention of the police. They will remove him from your property, they will chase him off and with a restraining order, if he breaks it, he can be arrested. I would move a little farther away if possible because moving farther away means it would be a lot harder for him to find you. I know you just signed a new lease, but I would consider taking a bigger move later on. It sounds like it would be the safest bet. Secondly, get a door alarm or window alarms for your place. You can get portable ones that will alert you if the door gets pushed open or something. They're cheap and if you're in bed and he tries something, you'll hear the alarm and will be able to quickly call 911 and give you more time to get help.
1 person likes this
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
2 Aug 09
Great advice. Thanks for taking the time to respond.
@polachicago (19073)
• United States
2 Aug 09
OMG, hope you are OK. I would make police report. I used to be in similar situation and I made police report on time. This is very dangerous. Make sure state thet you are afraid and police may order him to stay away from you.... Take care, HUGS
1 person likes this
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
2 Aug 09
I am going to file a police report. I hope the police don't laugh at me and say oh, poor scared little girl. In this county the person has to physically do something before they will take action. I do have friends at work who know people in the police dept. I need to use those resources. Hugs back atcha...
@bird123 (10527)
• United States
1 Aug 09
The police might help more than you know. File that report. Get some advice.
1 person likes this
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
1 Aug 09
Thanks for your response. You are correct. I won't know unless I ask.
@Hatley (164389)
• Garden Grove, California
2 Aug 09
wow thats just plain awful. cannot the police do something with this jerk, hes stalking you, and he sounds dangerous. sounds to me like he is missing a couple of screws.I would get a restriction order against him , see a lawyer or go to the police again and tell them everything you have told us.You owe it to yourself and your daughter to be free of this dangerous stalker. find a friend if necessary who is a lawyer and ask for his or her help. good luck hope you can stop this stalker. hatley
@Shellyann36 (11244)
• United States
2 Aug 09
You need to make that Police report and do keep a journal of everything he does! I would make the police report and see if I could not get a restraining order against him. He sounds very unstable. You should have called the police the day he was blocking you in at the drive through. If you are really scared I would suggest taking some type of self defense class. Perhaps it would be good for both you and your daughter. I know how dealing with someone like this can be. I was married to an abusive man for 9 years and it is very scary. Fortunately for me he did not chase or harass me after we divorced. While we were separated it was a different story but he was in the military and I turned him into his NCO/CO and his BS stopped after that. Please do take care of yourself. Even if you don't think that the police will do anything for you it is best to have it documented. All of these things add up and will help you to get a restraining order. Take care!
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
2 Aug 09
Thanks for sharing your experience. Ironically, I was in an abusive marriage for 17 years. I was too stupid to see this guy was unstable as well. He is also an ex-Marine. Ironic, huh?
@sblossom (2170)
2 Aug 09
i feel very sorry for what you met. it's very tough. I suppose the only thing you can do move out. Don't think too much about economical cost, you and your daughter are most important. Also you can try to report to your police. I know sometimes they are not reliable as we expect, but at least you try it. Also try to mingle with local society. if you seem have many friends around you, it would protect you from danger. best wishes and happy mylotting.
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
2 Aug 09
Thank you for responding. I've been afraid to make friends with my neighbors because I've been thinking the less who know where I am, the better. Maybe I should get to know my neighbors so they can keep an eye out. Thanks again.
• Philippines
2 Aug 09
You should always face your fears. it's only an obstacle.
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
2 Aug 09
Thanks...
@grace118224 (1040)
• China
2 Aug 09
Horrible story indeed . Since now you have no reason to ask for the help from the police you'd better be more careful when you go around and stay at home. You have to be strong enough to hit him back . Just be more and more strong and careful . And also ask your best friends for help sometimes .
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
2 Aug 09
Thanks so much!
@kezabelle (2985)
2 Aug 09
Of course the police can do something! Firstly report all of the above, secondly if possible keep evidence of any texts emails etc and write down when you see him following you then pass all this onto the police, you could get an injunction against him which would mean he can not be within so many feet of you im not sure if they need evidence of his stalking first or if they will do the injunction anyway but please report it other wise he is just going to get away with it isnt he and how would you feel if he suddenly left you alone and moved onto another woman who got hurt??? YOU have a responsibility to report him I think.
• United States
2 Aug 09
Along with going to the police, as everyone else here has suggested and i strognly urge you to do, i would also Go to the human resources department at your work and explain to them the problem, just so they have the heads up on the issue. Even if you do get a protection order or whatever you can from the police, it would also be wise to see if your place of employment can get a tresspass order against him that would make it illegal for him to even be on the property of the place which you work. Then if he were to ever show up again, the police can be called and he will be removed from the premisis. If you don't already do it, make SURE you are having someone walk you from the building you work in to your vehicle, no matter what time of day it is that you are getting out of work. I don't know if he goes this far, but i would also consider makeing sure to talk to someone at your daughters school about this. Many schools these days are very good about not letting anyone on school grounds with out permission first, and not letting anyone come in contact with the students and the such, but it would be good to let them know that by NO means is he to come to her school, talk to her, sign her out of school even if he claims it is an emergency or he has your permission etc. Just a precaution. A person would have to be the lowest of all life forms to take out his frustration, anger and issues with you on your child, but it does happen and i would hate for anything bad to occur. This is harassment and stalking, and you have every right to make it stop.
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
2 Aug 09
Thanks for your thoughtful response. My boss is aware of the situation, and she's been helpful. She said all I have to do is if he shows up at my work is to call the police. There are a number of people at work who promised to jump him if he does show up at work. ;-) I do have people walking me from the building when I leave work. For a while I was riding to work with a co-worker. I may start doing that again, too. Thanks again...
@308369666 (111)
• China
2 Aug 09
Vent the best way is to hurt you ,people you want to write on paper, he castigated him, and then burned him, give vent to relieve the psychological pressure when a good way. I s the need to vent.
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
2 Aug 09
Thanks for taking time to respond...
• United States
2 Aug 09
First off you need to go and make a report even if you can't get an order of protection... and get a copy of it for your files. I know it may be extreme and its not fair to you or your daughter but is there some way you can relocate and get a transfer from your job? I think you should talk to your landlord and see if you can get out of your lease. Finally get yourself some pepperspray. That stuff really works and you never know if and when he might take things too far. Prepare yourself for anything.
@LittleMel (14055)
• Canada
1 Aug 09
Ok if you can't report him to the police because he hasn't hurt you, then you can post it online or something. he is irritating you and that word may even be too soft to describe what he did. post it on your blog, don't be afraid. if it makes him angry and he takes you to court, then you got him. as long as what you wrote is true don't be afraid. you know him, you've lived with him. he is trying to annoy you but he is being smart not giving you the chance to take legal actions against him. so try annoy him as much as he has annoyed you, let's see how long he can keep on his toes. He would lose it one day and that will be just what you need to report to the cops.
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
2 Aug 09
I've never even thought about doing that. I guess I keep hoping if I don't react, he'll eventually give up and go away. Thanks for responding!
• United States
1 Aug 09
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" Franklin D. Roosevelt
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
1 Aug 09
Thanks for the response.
@sid556 (31002)
• United States
15 Sep 09
You need to get a restraining order on this fool. He doesn't have to hurt you in order for you to get one. You just have to be afraid of him and obviously you are and with reason. There are also laws against stalking and he is stalking you. Save all letters, cards, text messages etc. Once you get the restraining order if he comes near your work or your home or deliberatly anywhere near you then he will be in violation and could get arrested. The restraining order itself will send a loud and clear message to him that you want nothing to do with him. Unfortunately, it does not usually work in keeping these types away but it does give you a bit more leverage with the law enforcement if they are worth anything where you live. Good luck there. Don't be a victim!!
• South Africa
5 Aug 09
Hunny bunch,you need to START FIGHTING BACK !! Yes fill out your police reports and stuff But This honey is between You and this JERK.His going After you because he knows you FEAR him. You CANT live in FEAR luv,you are going to be HORRIBLE and You have a LONG and forfulling Life to live. Face this JERK.The Next Time you see him.DONT u DARE RUN.Think about your daughter, and protecting HER ! In my opinion I don't think he'll do anything because he has'nt. If I were you Id start taking Self defense classes, pepper sprey in my BAG. Work out at the gym if you have oo and Be PREPARED for this JERK. Cant u see his pushing you, shoviny you from corner to corner, I mean making you even THINK of moving and relocating JOBS ! FIGHT BACK,Don't let THIS SILLY JERK DETERMINE YOUR LIFE BY PUSHING YOU OVER LIKE THIS .FIGHT !
@OceanLady (136)
• Canada
2 Aug 09
The police might not be able to arrest him or anything, but you can get a restraining order on him. Then if he continues this behaviour, you can call the police and they have to act on it. Technically, they should be able to do something about him stalking you, but it's a lot harder to pin anything on him when he hasn't actually done anything harmful. But you can definitely go to the police and file harassment charges, too, if you want... most of the stuff would be hard to pin on him, but putting you in a position where you cannot excape and then yelling at you is definitely harrassment. If you still have the stuff he was demanding back before, see if you can leave it with the police and have them deliver it to him for you. Then he really has no reason to continue bothering you.