Meeting the Ex or His/Her Friends/Family

United States
August 8, 2009 9:49pm CST
How do you feel if you run into your current's ex? Or what if you meet his/her friends or family? Does it make you uncomfortbale or weird or do you have enough pride and self esteem for this type of situation not to bother you? I have TERRIBLE self esteem issues and I can't meet anyone who my husband-to-be has been with in the past. I have a long history of being emotionally abused by other people I have been with, mainly knocking me down below someone they used to love, that this actually causes me panic attacks, and if someone is approaching him to talk or whatever (an ex), I literally run. It's terrible, but it's the way it is. I can't even go to the area that he used to live with one of his exes, that is a local town, but not the one I live in. I have had numerous encounters with people who were their mutual friends and her family still keeps in contact with my fiance. I have had serious depression over feeling so low and not up to par to his exes. You may think this sounds ridiculous, but it is real, and it sucks! But for the longest time, I can't seem to get over it and believe I am the one wants now. My feelings about myself are I feel stupid and embarassed of myself if I am cornered into meeting someone (anyone that is an association, if it is not the ex themselves) and like I have no business meeting them. It sets me in a depression for hours, sometimes even a couple days, where I can't even leave my house because I feel so crappy and so below them. PLEASE tell me someone out there feels the same way I do.
2 people like this
11 responses
@mipen2006 (5528)
• Australia
9 Aug 09
What type of therapy are you doing to combat this situation? I know I had an experience in grade 2 or 3 that has had an everlasting eafect on my confidence, but nowhere near the level of yours. Is your fiancce aware of this? and does he help by trying to keep any situations to a minimum? Sorry I couldn't be more help.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Aug 09
I go to counselling, but I haven't been with it for very long, so I am still waiting for my great revelation. My fiance says things will get better for me. Some days I see right through that statement though.
1 person likes this
@mipen2006 (5528)
• Australia
9 Aug 09
Keep fighting, princess, and you will beat it.
@Lala2508 (11)
• United States
9 Aug 09
I feel where you're coming from. . . . I suffer from anxiety and some sort of "inferiority" that makes me feel less than others as well. I've been this way all my life, but it's mostly due to my environment. You need to make sure that you surround yourself only with people that love, respect and appreciate you. I understand that in certain situations (such as your job), that you may not be able to avoid certain people. But as for your life, you can shut out everyone that feeds your weaknesses by affirming your fears. Your man should not be the type of man that would blatantly tell you how better his ex was. There are guys around you that would never disrespect you, but you have to believe that you deserve better so that you stop attracting jerks. Don't put too much thought into who he's been with before. If you feel that you are in a position where your man and his ex's are manipulative and would do something behind your back, then you need to take some time away from being in a serious relationship for a while. It's clear that you have a "wounded spirit". You need to take care of that spirit now by reverting it away from hurtful situations. Yes, it's time for some "spirit rehabilitation". You need to take all those crappy things that were said and done over your lifespan; those things that made you who they/you think you are right now and just tear it all down. I experienced distrust against all men after being involved with abusive guys for years. Right now I'm single and purging myself of all past hurts by doing things that make me feel better about myself. My dear, this is how you love yourself. Live your life and see to your own happiness. Putting all of yourself in a man will only bring disappointment. You are the only one that knows what it will take to make you feel whole about yourself and you are the only person concerned about YOUR happiness. I have lots of male friends and you better believe that they're gonna treat me great if they want my time. I'm too busy raising my child, I'm getting in shape, continuing my education, being counseled,helping other people, cultivating my talents, doing the things that make me feel good about being me, and the Men around me have to get in where they fit in. I rather plan a trip to tour a nearby city, than stay home cooking a meal for a guy that I'm trying to woo into liking or loving me (especially if you're ONLY sleeping with him). You'll still have days where you will feel like giving up, and when that happens, that only means that you've taken eyes off your goals and you need to get back on track. And did I mention that you should Pray? I don't know where your faith lies, but prayer is a source of strength. As a person with a major Anxiety issue, I need to gain strength everyday to help me maintain my composure when up against all of the ugliness in my world. What gives you your strength Princess?
• United States
9 Aug 09
You have stated so many things is such good contexts, and you are very good with your explanations-I feel you and I are very siilar. I appreciate your response. I have experienced a lot of what you have said when it comes to distrusting-I think I have been so programmed to feel like less of a person by some traumatic things that have happened to me, I do it now to myself without even thinking. I hate to point fingers at what's been done, but it's hard to imagine what things would have been like, and if I would have really turned out this way, if certain things had never happened. Am I weak? Yes, I am, and I have a clear reason why-because I have fought with my own spirit to try to rise above the negative self esteem but the negativity wins almost always hand down. I do pray-I don't know that I am as spiritual through depression, and I do wonder ho on track I am with putting my trust in the Lord, but i try, anyway, and I do pray-through tears, and I am very thankful for many things in my life. Now, what gives me strength-I think that may be one of my problems, as I really don't know an answer to that.
• United States
12 Aug 09
Of course you have an answer Princess, you would have given up a long time ago if you had no strength at all. At least that's how I see it. Only the weak go through several traumatic life experiences and give up all together. I mean, you're still here which means you've survived your circumstances. I once had a few new friends tell me how "courageous and strong" I was, and It was difficult for me to believe them. Because until they'd said that I only heard how weak, stupid and worthless I was. And those negative words didn't come from just anybody, no, they were coming from people like my family, my boyfriends, co-workers and sometimes people I didn't know. So I just knew what these people I just met were lying to me, right? No, that's not it, they were exactly what I needed in my life. I needed people who could see me the way I was meant to be. What I was trying to be. And so that got me thinking that, hey, they're right, I am strong; I didn't stay in those abusive relationships. And I am courageous; I took a chance and moved to a far out city away from everything I knew I ended up losing everything I had and gaining it all back. Some people faced with homelessness can't deal with such a devastating reality, but I got through it. Hell, my child was conceived out of date r*!e. But, by God's will, I gave birth to her and am now raising her without regret. Now, I would have never thought of my self in such high esteem before. Why? Well probably the same reasons why you don't either, Princess. There aren't enough people around you lifting you up, and there are too many around you tearing you down.
@sahira (1071)
• Philippines
9 Aug 09
Just seeing my ex's family, his sisters or brothers makes me uncomfortable, and how much more my ex boyfriend..it's really weird since we parted ways badly. And besides I hate him for being talkative, he keeps on telling other people who knew me about our relationship, that is why seeing them especially him makes me sick!huh!
• United States
9 Aug 09
That is what I don't understand-why he still talks to them because if it's over, then it's over isn't it? I don't have a relationship still with my ex or his family. It just seems bizarre that he still would, unless he is hanging on to things from his past.
@j12345 (163)
• New Zealand
11 Aug 09
I used to feel the same way that you do ... we agreed that we both have a past and that unless its relevent to the life we are living now, we will never bring anything up... what I found hard is that he had this life that 'I' wasn't apart of and that was special at the time to 'him and someone else'( a hot someone else) My advice ... you need to look at this relationship ... can you live like this? these problems you have now with self esteem are going to be there forever unless you deal with them now ... I am serious. If thats your picture in the corner I'll tell you honestly that you look like a happy, confident, pretty chick ... it's sad that you feel so out of control
@kerriannc (4279)
• Jamaica
9 Aug 09
How should I feel! It is his or their lost so why should I be scared and afraid to look them in their eyes. I talked with my ex family members and him as good as how we used to talked when we were in the relationship. My girl you need to start loving yourself and be strong. I am sorry I don't feel the way you do because I have a good self esteem. What you need to do is read self development books because after awhile that fiancee of yours will be sick of your behaviour it seems to be one which is disgusting and you need to start taking your lack of self esteem in your hand. My God I am HIV positive and I don't act the way you do. Please get a grip of yourself.
• United States
9 Aug 09
Wow, I appreciate your response, but I do not appreciate you being rude to me. Depression is not a state of acting, and the issues that ariise are sometimes beyond what we can control. And if my fiance gets sick of me for the way I am, then he never did realy understand nor care about what hurts me and what is beyond what I can handle right now. If he leaves, then maybe I would be better off.
@PeacefulWmn9 (10420)
• United States
9 Aug 09
Yes, I have experienced this whenever my ex husband and his new wife are at family functions, etc. So very awkward, and sometimes, downright scary! My situation and experiences differ from your own, but I can identify with your panic attacks and depression and also the low self-esteem that abuse can cause. Never feel ashamed of who you are or how you feel, though. A psychologist helped me a great deal with putting an end to panic attacks and rebuilding my self-esteem after years in an abusive marriage. Might that help you? No one should have to suffer so. Now, I can face the family functions with more confidence, as he and I will always have our grown children and our grandchildren in common. Best wishes and a hug... Karen
• United States
9 Aug 09
It is defintely a form of suffering-never feeling like you amount to who was before you and feeling ashamed and stupid when being in the situations when you have to see them. I really don't know why I have such low self esteem, but I have been in other relationships where a prior girlfriend's "shadow" was constantly brought to my attention and why she was the best, and how I did not compare in certain ways. That in itself was very hard, I thought I was stronger, but the damage was buried in my subconcious making me feel unworthy all the time around certain people. It is unfair. I do go to counseling, but I have alot of work to feel that I deserve to proud of who I am. This confidance building is nearly impossible sometimes.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Aug 09
You are right, if seems nearly impossible to build up a low self-esteem at times, but it is worth the effort when you discover new and good things about yourself and see the "real" you. Keep on with the counseling. It takes time and work and new ways of thinking, but you will get there :) Karen
@lynnemg (4529)
• United States
9 Aug 09
My husband's ex is very pretty, much younger than I am, and has given him a child. I know that they are not together for specific reasons and that he is married to me and she is married to someone else, but that doesn't stop me from wondering if he would leave me for her just because she gave him a child. I brought 3 children into our marriage, and I highly doubt that we will ever have a child together. I always wonder if he would leave me for her if she asked him to. I don't think that he would, but there is that little part of me that can't help but wonder. Let's just say I have been down that road before and don't want to go there again. We live fairly close to his ex, but not in the same town. I am an insecure person. Not the greatest of combinations.
@advokatku (4033)
• Indonesia
9 Aug 09
Meet the EX ..... I am certainly uncomfortable but sorry I cant describe because I not yet ever feel that situation.lol
@jasmeena (846)
• Indonesia
9 Aug 09
Hmm..my ex family lives nearby..actually my ex is THE BEST i`ve ever had..we had to separate for specific reason,not becuase of someone else.He is a government employee in small town in sumatera,Indonesia.We had been together for almost 7 years and we still care for each other,eventhough we are not together again (sometimes i wish he could move to Jakarta but i think it`ll be unlikely.I met his mom several times and we still talked about everything,his works his sisters etc.
@grundmang (112)
• Israel
9 Aug 09
just a littel hi would do i guess..
• United States
10 Aug 09
when i was younger i was a butter ball use to have very low self- esteem but after i had my first son i went from a size 18 to a size 9 and im not afraid to be side by side with my soon to be husbands ex gurl i hold my head high like yeah i know he loves me im not worried and thats what you should do