Ungratefull grandson

@bdugas (3581)
United States
August 12, 2009 6:25am CST
I am having a problem with my grandson this morning, for the 3rd time, now since July. He is 22 years old, no job, no auto, as he does not carry insurance, and has had 2 wrecks and now had his license taken, he is not out looking for a job, but he is my grandson. And he will bumb in the street for several days then come to my door and ask can he come in and take a bath, I can not let him stand out there like that so I say yes, once inside and a bath, he comes to the couch, where several days later he is still laying. He sleeps all day, stays up all night, when he does get a job to make a few bucks, he calls a friend to go get beer, then when he has no more money they drop him off here. This morning I ask him to put the TV on the local news, he kept recording the news stories and then running them back, while the rest of the news is passing by, I was trying to see the weather, it was all out of spite because I told him to change the channel. I have a freezer in the back of my truck, that I was going to haul to the dump for him this morning to sell so that he has money for cigarettes, when I ask him to leave the TV alone, he said no and he refused to give me the remote, said soon as he gets money he is out of here, well he*ll lets not wait till you get money, I told him to go now. That is when it started, hm cussing me and yelling he don't have to go any where, when i tried to bag his clothes he grabbed the sack and threw a pieces in it then threw it in the closet, said he ain't going anywhere. It took me calling the police to get him out of here. He brings no money in, I am 62, and live on a fixed income, I pay the rent, the electric, and he has been ask not to keep the TV on all night as it adds to the electric bill, but when I get up he is still on the couch with the Tv going, not watching just changing the station with the remote. I pay the cable and the internet that he uses, he doesn't help even to take out the trash. After he woke the neighbors, one told me he is your grand child so I was wrong in calling the police to take him out of here. What was I suppose to do when he is in the bedroom slamming drawers and the door locked so I can't get in. Am I suppose to just let an un greatful boy or man however you look at it take over my house. He is mentally challenged at a point but not that he can't work or help out, he was just a bit slow in school. Do you think that I should be made to keep him here when he won't even take the trash out, he is not allowed at his mother's because of the same thing, he has been banned from the property for kicking over the trash can and kicking it all over the drive way and hitting his sisters. Last night I had to move a cabinet, and I ask him to get up and help me and his sister, he sit right there. He has big muddy boots and I just cleaned the carpet and I ask him to take the boot off before he came across it, he did the first night he came in then from there on he tracks right across. I ask him not to sleep on the couch as he is tearing the cushion covers up and I can't afford another one. Where do I find him yesterday when I got home on the couch where he laid asleep till about midnight last night and he got up to watch TV all night. So you tell me what we should do with him, I feel bad when I have to have him taken out of here but can not afford to lose my place to live over him slamming drawers and doors and waking the neighbors up and I am sure there will be a call to the landlord soon as he gets into his office this morning. His father is in rehab over booze and drugs for the next 6 months and he will yell call the fing pigs sometimes I think he wants to go to jail, so that he can be where his dad is, my daughter divorced him 12 years ago over the drinking and drugs, she has tried her best to raise 3 kids and he has always been a problem. So you tell me where I am wrong, like that woman said.
6 people like this
11 responses
@p1kef1sh (45638)
12 Aug 09
When I was 16 my mother threw me out -we are now the best of friends. I was surly and uppity and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't say that those first few weeks were easy, but I learned the hard way that if you want things you have to earn them. Your grandson is abusing your love. It's hard I know, but he needs a dose of reality. Next time he bums the streets and turns up at your door tell him that there is no welcome until he cleans up his act. Set some ground rules. He MUST pay you rent, in advance as he can't be trusted to pay in arrears. Agree hours when the TV will be on. He will take his boots off at the door or they go in the trash etc etc. It's going to be hard for you I know. If he doesn't want to play by your rules in YOUR house, then he had best get back on the streets. Tough love is often the best type of love. Don't forget that there are folk here that will always offer their hand to you when it all seems to much. Good luck.
3 people like this
• United States
13 Aug 09
Same here p1ke! left home 2 days before my 17th birthday...found a place to stay (in exhange for cleaning) stayed in school and got a job to feed myself. Best thing that ever happened, i was uppity and a know it all of course..and like you the relationship with my mother turned a complete 180! been great ever since! amazing what a bit of tough love will do isnt it!
@bdugas (3581)
• United States
13 Aug 09
He will not be back, I will not go through that again, and he is barred from the property now. I also left home when I was 17 but I got a job and I worked and I survived by my doing not bumming off of others. My relationship with my mother never changed, she was a spiteful, horrible person who wanted to blame others for her problems, mostly ones she brought on herself. He is a child that needs help, and I thought by talking to him and cooking the things that he likes, and letting him watch what he liked on TV and watching shows with him and trying to teach him right from wrong. That somehow he would see that some one loved him and he would do better. Like I said he was seeking attention because a couple things hadn't gone his way the evening before. I believe that if I had just walked out of the room instead of giving him that attention things would of turned out different, like oh well you want to keep me from watching the news there are 2 other TV's in the house so you just keep the remote and I will go to watch on one of them. He would not be getting his way. It is too late now, as they have barred him from the property. And do I think he will ever get it, no I do not, because everyone wants to fight with him instead of just walking away.
• United States
12 Aug 09
You are not wrong for putting him out! I'd put him out too & change the locks too! I don't think he's hit absolute rock bottom plus he's 22, still in a teenager mindframe to a degree.... I can do as I want & someone will take care of me. Eventually he'll burn all his bridges and he'll either have to straighten up his act Or like you said follow his fathers footsteps. That's his choice to make. Though I know it will be hard to see him fail but if it must be it must be ((hugs))
2 people like this
@bdugas (3581)
• United States
13 Aug 09
Yes I am sure that he will end up following his father's foot prints, I know one thing that set him off was his father is locked away in rehab, and he sent him a birthday card and he expected for him to call him or write him back and when he got no reply, it hurt him. I tried to tell him that his father is going through a tough time and that even though he didn't reply he still loves him, but kids want to see that love, not just be told it is there. He recently found a large book of ticket towards the raffle of a new car that they are giving away at the fair here next week, he was so excited and was going to fill them out and put them in the box for the drawing, I told him NO you will take them to the police station and turn them in, some one worked hard for the money to buy them tickets, well he wasn't going to at first said it is who ever finds them they belong to. After about a hour of talking to him he turned them in and later said he hoped who ever lost them gets them back. It is just teaching him what is right. And no one seems to have the time for him. He had a freezer sitting in the back of my truck, one man called said he wanted it and would be here in 30 minutes, he never showed, so that set him off he said the man should never of called if he wasn't coming. I tried to explain that is what people do, they change their minds. Him buying the freezer would of given him some money in his pocket, he has searched for a job, but times are hard here, there was recently a closing that put 8200 out of work in one spot, so jobs are hard to find. He did work for McDonald's he was drawing a SSI check at the time for his disabilities, as soon as he made a few dollars, they cut him off. They would rather pay you, than you go out and find something that you can do a little of and help your self, in that he lost his apartment and now he is in the street. Life is not fair to some, and I don't think he knows how to handle it.
@gossipzz (500)
• Canada
12 Aug 09
Ok I didn't finish reading the entire posting to know this is a problem. I know as a grandparent, no one wants to see their grandchildren in trouble. The real problem is that you are not helping him at all. I see the mother does not allow him in the house.You should do the same. Do not allow him in the house unless he gives you money to pay the electricity bill,if thats what he is using. He need to understand that people are not playing with him. This is real life that we are liveing.Do that and you will see how quick he grows up when he has no one to turn to.
@tjades (3592)
• Jamaica
13 Aug 09
I really see nothing wrong with you callimg the cops. Family or not such distructive and ungrateful behaviour should not be tolerated. The very fact that you are his grandparent and also that you were extending the hand of kindness to him, should have appealed to his conscience to make the best of it. You tried to help him and he offeres stress in return. Parents and gaurdians must know when and where to draw the line. I do not believe your nieghbour had any right to accuse you in that manner.
1 person likes this
@subha12 (18452)
• India
13 Aug 09
It is something that many guys of that age are like him. They are very selfish. They just want their happiness and do not bother about the well beings of others. You can be very strict with him. Plus he may be associated with something that is not too good
1 person likes this
@bdugas (3581)
• United States
13 Aug 09
You are correct in that, I see many of the kids that are his age, disrespect full to their parents, where we live is a town that is made up mostly of doctors, lawyers and etc. The spend on their children to keep them out of their hair. They wreck a car, they don't ask if it was their fault but go right out and buy them another one. I blame the parents around here for what their kids are doing. But as I look around, this new generation seems to think that yes we own them a living. It is not only my grandson but many in this area and I was in Louisiana fro 17 years and they was the same there. And to think this is the generation that will some day run this country.
• United States
13 Aug 09
I agree with most of the other responses. It's understandable that you love and want to help out your grandson, but at this point, he needs a serious intervention. He is being totally disrespectful of you and your house, and putting you under unnecessary drama and stress. I think he needs a good dose of tough love to force him into reality and some type of responsibility for himself. Your continuing to support him and let him free-load off of you is just making the situation worse for you, and is not doing him any favors either. If/when he gets himself together, he will appreciate what you did for him and thank you for it.
• United States
12 Aug 09
I am going to be direct here, so my apologies, right from the start. You need to just say "no". No, he cannot come in. No he cannot stay. He is abusive; he is using you; and you do not deserve that type of behavior. He needs to learn his own way in the world now. He is grown. By you continuously letting him come there, and run over you, he is not learning anything, except that he can treat grandma "any way, that he so chooses". Plain and simple.
@cyrus123 (6364)
• United States
12 Aug 09
I don't think you should have to put up with this! He's your grandson, I know, and I'm sure you love him but what else can you do? You need to set an ultimatum with him. Since you're living on a fixed income, you can't afford to have him tearing up your furniture, feeding him, etc. It's awful that he wears his dirty boots in the house. I don't think I could put up with it. Kathy.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Aug 09
oh dear. family is family to me, HOWEVER no matter who you are, there occasionally comes a time when you HAVE to cut them off in order to preserve YOURSELF and your living situation. still a boy for sure, and i believe you mentioned later in a comment that he is a heroin addict. his violence, anger issues, lack of financial responsibility and erratic behavior all adds up to one thing...DONT LET HIM BACK IN. he's not acting like it but he is a grown up and a grown up has to fend for themselves..especially when they've been dumb enough to burn all their bridges! next time he comes to the door (keep it locked and look out the window to see who it is before you open it) dont let him in, DONT open the door to talk, just yell at him that he is no longer welcome and walk away. of course he is going to rant and rave and turn it into a man/boy hissy fit. if he gets violent call the cops, if he does damage call the cops, if he tries to actually force his way in CALL THE COPS! completely disregard what that neighbor said, SHE isnt in YOUR situation. like p1ke said far above me..TOUGH LOVE! coddling him will NEVER EVER make it better. and by just letting him in the door is catering to his wants and therefore encouraging the behavior..sounds like dog training but if it works use it! LOL!
• United States
13 Aug 09
Also I would like to add if he is mentally challenged and should be on medications but is not stable, self medication is usually the way they will go, it makes him prime for the addictions. The gone for a week then to come home and bath and crash and then the cycle starts all over again. After three days they become very aggitated and in physical withdrawel to where it hurts them. I am so worried for this grandmother in fear that I just might be right.
• United States
13 Aug 09
oops, sorry bout that everybody!
@Hatley (164347)
• Garden Grove, California
16 Aug 09
you are not wrong, you are not his mom, its up to his mom,she let him get screwed up as a little guy,I feel' for both of you. he is now a young hoodlum but he is a' humaN being and somebody has to help straighten him out. if mom his only parent who isnt incarcerated cannot do it then child protective services needs to stepin,he is evidently a mental caSe and needs a lot of help.just p;uninshing him will not help, something screwed him up as a baby or toddler so he needs help to get his ]act together. he is not your responsibilityif mom cannot or will not take over, some one else will have to,like I said you cannot just throw him away.
@bdugas (3581)
• United States
16 Aug 09
Excuse me but he has one of the best mom's there is, he is 22 years old and just like a lot of the other kids thinks the world owes him a living, he is not a hoodlum, and I never once said anything like you are talking about, apparently you did not read the discussion. And since when did child protection step in and do anything about a22 year old. Before you answer posts on here please make sure you read them first cause you have no idea what is going on in this one other than you think you found a place to run your mouth.
• United States
18 Aug 09
The message I left wasn't for the grandma in this situation it was for hatley
@Azaerus (820)
• Philippines
13 Aug 09
Well I think you did your part as a grandma,you already gave your best to help your grandson. You opened up your home for him eventhough you know that his attitude is worse like that,that even his own mum gave up on him. Yes,we do understand that he is your family but just think of this,you treat him as your family but does he treat you like family too?I think he does not,he lives in your house not helping and even respecting every word you say. He's too lazy for his age and he's lost,he don't know what to do with his life and there's also a big probability that he do want to end up in jail with his father. Maybe he just craves for his fathers attention that's why he turned out like that. Many children with divorced parents ends up like these,usually this is the impact to them of the divorce. Don't feel bad about what the woman said,she doesn't know how your grandson is like. The only thing she knows is that he's your family and nothing more. The woman obviously don't know everything about the boys attitude. If really can't control your grandson it's better for you to let him go and calling the police isn't a bad move you made,your grandson is acting way out of hand that's why you really needed some assistance by the police officers. You didn't do anything wrong.
@Azaerus (820)
• Philippines
13 Aug 09
Thank you for the best response mark.. I hope that my words somehow gave you comfort. You are a good grandma and I'm sure you want your grandson to change but you did your part and it's really up to him to help himself. Have a nice day.:)
@bdugas (3581)
• United States
13 Aug 09
You hit it right on the head, when I called the police, he was screaming send those pigs over here maybe they will take me to jail and I can see my dad. After he left I just sit down and cried as that was the most horrible statement I had ever heard anyone say. The thought that he would rather be in jail, just so he could have some attention from his father. My daughter went through he*ll with his dad for like 11 years. She was in a trap and couldn't get out, he had made he quit school and she had 3 small children. When she finally got the nerve. to put him out she suffered because he didn't want to pay child support. She has since enrolled in school to finish her schooling and she has been a wonderful mother. But divorce is hard on kids, and when one parent doesn't do the kids right, they suffer, and my grandson has suffered greatly in this divorce. I try to think that if he had a father that was there for him, things would be different. When his mother decided that she had had enough of his actions and barred him from coming to her house because of his actions, it was like another parent deserted him. I still think that walking away would of done more good than becoming involved in a comfortation with him.
@Azaerus (820)
• Philippines
13 Aug 09
I have been thinking about what you son have said that time you calle the police. I think that if that's the reason why he is acting like that then let it be. If he really wants to be with his father then just let him,maybe you grandson and the father have some talking to do. I don't know what kind of talk but in your grandsons case I think the only person who can clear things on his mind is his own father. I know that the father is not the kind of father that every family should have but he's still the father and besides the way I see it it's the fathers fault why thigs turned out like this. Then if it is his fault then he's also the only person who could fix this. Letting your grandson go to jail is painful for you I know,but if it's the only way for him to open his eyes to the reality then why not let it be.I really do hope you'll be fine with all this confusions you have on your mind. It's not your fault why such things happen,you never wanted things to urn out like this.