Are you one of those Friends who can't say NO?

August 15, 2009 9:58pm CST
I am,I hate to say NO,because I am afraid to hurt my friends feelings, even though it puts me on the spot,and makes me do things I really don't want to, such as when my friend calls and asks if she can come visit me, and ends up spending the night,(and also brings along her five year old son,that never sleeps) and of course I end up taking care of him. Thats is just one situation that I get myself into. Maybe one of these days I will be able to say NO!! Can you ?????
2 people like this
18 responses
@timhinyy (1653)
• United States
16 Aug 09
first off let me congradulate you on starting your first discussion. it is an interesting topic. as far as i'm concerned i do not have this problem, because i don't have alot of close friends that i do things with all the time or that call me alot. i do have one that i have known since i was a kid and we don't do much together, but i will try to find time since we have known each other so long.
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
16 Aug 09
Yes this is a great starter I must say, I must admit I am now where you are Tim unfortunately it took years of tears for me to get to this point, but hey I am here and the less friends I have the better off I am, associates are great, but when you start talking best friends thats when you put your heart on the line, and when your super nice your heart has a chance of breaking.
1 person likes this
@timhinyy (1653)
• United States
16 Aug 09
most of our friends that i used to hang out with alot i have pretty much outgrown i guess is the word and not that im in a committed relationship my lady is my best friend and spend most of my time with her. i have friends we just don't get together as much as we used to. i guess if you really think of it most of my friends that i have how many could you actually count on when you really need them? if your stuck somewhere and need a ride who can you call? unfortunately most of my friends were selfish and cared more about themselves and what was in it for them when we did things together which is probably why we dont anymore. sadly i think i have more online friends then off anymore as strange as that may seem.
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
16 Aug 09
Not strange at all, friendships come and go and it is really nice that you consider your lady your best friend, right now I have a few associations that I want to end, sad because we have been a part of each others lives for a lot of years, but some people are just so selfish and I can't deal with it, I always knew that I should end these associations long time ago but I keep allowing them to suck me back in, not this time I am done, I feel better without them in my life, I get nothing from them not mentally or emotionally all I get is stressed and who needs it.
• United States
16 Aug 09
I used to be one of those people that couldn't say no but then, it got to the point that my friends were taking advantage of me and using me because I wouldn't turn them down. After I finally started standing up to them, I found out who my real friends were, as in the people that couldn't care either way if I did something for them or not. The other people left and my life was a lot better after they left.
1 person likes this
17 Aug 09
Thank you,for your response,, I guess I do need to begin to start saying NO, even if it is something that is going to be very difficult to do, but now you say your life is better, because the real friends stayed with you for who you are and not for what you could do for them. I do think it is time for me to find out who my real friends are, as you did.Thanks again.
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
16 Aug 09
Oh and another thing people see your kindness as a weakness, they don't see things how we see it, you don't want to be known as being weak, I been there god knows I have, always thought I was the only one, you think you are so sweet, and your friends love this wonderful quality about you, NOT, they see it as a weakness, most people will take advantage unfortunately, and this friend in particular I would have woken her up and been like your son is awake,sooner or later they will get the message your not being mean, your just doing what the average joe will do to you, somethings about myself I will not want to change like my sensitivity I am actually too sensitive but I feel that makes me the woman I am that I will not change, but letting folks take me for granted is a NO NO, I stopped that a long time ago. And family knows you best they are the ones that will get you, cause they know how you are, surprise them as well, never too late to change things about yourself, life is a learning experience we should all learn from our mistakes as well as others, I do,good luck feel free to email me, if you feel the need to vent, I will be there for you.
17 Aug 09
Well kitty42, I think everyone will know by now, that you are not the type of person to be pushed around, and you can say "NO" Good for you. On the other hand, We the ones who cannot, will all be trying our best to do so. Thank you for ALL your responses...
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
17 Aug 09
No problem, sorry I went a little over board with my responses but this hit home for me big time, you will get through it, I did. reading some of your responses looks like you are ready to start now, I have to go out and I don't have anyone to watch my daughter can you do it, I will appreciate it?
• Pakistan
16 Aug 09
I had friends, I had money, I gave my money to my friends, I lost both my friends and my money. Some time ago, I was a friend which could not say NO, but now I can say because of some of my friends behaviour. However, still say a no is difficult for some of my friends
17 Aug 09
Hi asadbtk, thank you for the response. One of my cousins, did the very same thing you did, he lost his money, and his (so called friends) and of course at the time he also could not say NO, but just like you,,he sure can now. A very difficult and costly price to pay,(sorry you had to go through that) I am now beginning to realize that I am not alone with this problem. I do hope everyone who has the same problem, with take all the positive enegry from people like yourself, and begin to stand up for themselves, to be able to say "NO", as I am going to start doing immediatly. Thanks to people like you.Thank You.
17 Aug 09
Thank you again asadbtk
• China
16 Aug 09
you are really the same person as me.i can feel exactly what you do.it is hard to reject others' requests,especially the best friends.i still don't know how to deal with it. i hope you can manage it soon.
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
16 Aug 09
It is hard but it can be done, you have to remember your friends know you, they know the weak one of the bunch, the one that will do what ever they can to make them happy, I won't say that your friends are mean people and dislike you no, but they will take you for granted this is life and some people just don't know how to appreciate others is all, so it is up to us to make them, I give my time/money/friendship on my terms simple as that,come go with me to the mall, nah I don't feel like it right now, can I use your phone, I don't have many minutes left where is your phone? can I borrow five dollars? I don't have it, or I have to buy something with the money I have, can you baby sit for me? I am going out, or I have something to do, can I wear your shirt? its in the cleaners, or if its in your closet I was planning on wearing that tomorrow, just giving an example of some of the things that you may be asked my problem use to be my phone, it was like my phone was the phone booth, only difference was I didn't get paid, those same friends if I ask can I use your phone for a minute the look on their face answers my question before they open their mouth but guess what I still use it only because they forgot how many times they used mine, people are a mess they will forget later on all these nice things you are doing for them, trust me, not all but most will forget.
17 Aug 09
Hi Wentyishere, Thank you for your response, I think after reading all the responses I received, especially one incrediable one I am sure going to try real hard, and yes you are so right,,it will not be easy, but I truly think Best Friends, should not even put us in a position, where they probably know we will not be able to say "NO" So I also hope you can manage to also just say "NO" Good Luck to you, and remember,you are not alone, trying to do this difficult task. Be Brave,,,Do it for YOU!!!!
@Hatley (164524)
• Garden Grove, California
16 Aug 09
hi liseli yes i am another person who has a hard time saying no.a friend will ask me to do a favor and I really dont want to do it but I will do it anyway.then wonder why I didnt just say I cannot do that. sorry. a friend of mine a few years back was in an accident and was home sick, she asked me to bring her some books to read. so I did that after I got off work at the library where we both worked. and she and her mom both on crutches from the accident just stood in the door,didnt ask me in,then before I could say where shall I put these my friend said,we cannot be bothered now. come back tomorrow. I looked at both of them and said,my leg is killing me, these books are heavy,I realize you are both hurting, so just let me come in aNd I will lie them down and go. okay.she shut the damned door in my face. angered I just put the books on the outside air conditioner and left.no more errands for that p erson.
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
16 Aug 09
Wow now that is cold, sorry you went through that, are you still friends with this person? people just take us for granted and it is up to us to make them appreciate the wonderful friendship that we know we have to offer, hey and if they don't its their lost.I am probably older than most of you, but please take my advice I am speaking to you all from my heart, I been there, my daughter tells me all the time mom you are too nice, I am still a nice person will always be, I just know who not to let take advantage of me is all, we don't have to say no to everybody, but we know the ones that don't appreciate us,trust me, the only one that will end up hurt in the end is you, and that same friend will go on like nothing ever happened because this is who they are, just be glad you are not cut from the same cloth, I love the wonderful/sweet person that I am will not change that, but I will tune it up every now and again.
17 Aug 09
Hello Hatley,thank you for your incrediable response. Wow!Friends really can be unbelievably, just plain mean, as you have clearly pointed out.I cannot understand,why!! 1- she asks you to do her a favor,to bring her books,because she cannot leave her home. 2- You go to all the trouble,of picking out some books,and bring them right to her door, after you have done a days work. 3- She does not even have the kindness to let you in the house. 4- She cannot be bothered with you and tells you to come back tomorrow. 5- SHE SLAMS THE DOOR IN YOUR FACE!!! 6- and even though you were angry(who could blame you)you still left the books on the outside air conditioner. Well Hatley,you are truly a very kind and caring person,and to be taken advantage of, so badly, well thats just plain down right unexceptable, EVER!!! Hatley,,with all my heart, I do hope you are now able to just say NO, because sweety no one ever should have to be treated the way you ex-friend(I hope)treated YOU. Thank you for sharing you comment with me, I am happy you took the time, to let me know that sometime you just have to say "NO" I sure am going to try my best to start to,do that immediatly. Thank You, Best of luck, Oh and Hatley, JUST SAY "NO"
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
16 Aug 09
I used to be one of the type of people that couldn't say no to a friend. It even went to the point that I couldn't say no to one girl and she ended up living with us for several months (along with her three small children). That was almost 7 years ago just after my daughter was born, so we ended up having five adults and four children age 6 and under in our home. Now, I am not the friend that can't say no. I will sometimes say yes to friends when it is a reasonable request, but when it is an unreasonable request, I say no.
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
16 Aug 09
Thats right Dora great reply.
17 Aug 09
Wow!!! dorannmwin Now that is something I can relate to,I also put myself in somewhat,of the same situation, but it was not as crouded as your home was, my I guess sometimes, it takes just one friend, to take over our lives, all because we wanted to be there for them and couldn't say NO, to make us open our eyes and realize enough is enough, and believe me, that was definatily not a reasonable request... I appreciate your response, Good for you, because now you can say No..
@vandana7 (66816)
• India
16 Aug 09
Well, I agree that such situations are very difficult. Saying no sounds outrightly rude and may be the friend would never be in touch with u ever again. Not everything about that friend may be unacceptable to u. In fact, it may be a case where u like her 90 percent and it is only that 10 percent that seems to be very difficult to put up with as may be the case u mentioned. It is not easy to find good friends. Therefore, losing one and trying for another might only land u into a greater soup. What they say a known devil is better than unknown devil. Isn't it? Having identified what u dont like about a friend, u can devise ways to avoid it. Like a friend is suggesting that she will come over. Small white lies is my way of avoiding hurt. I'd say actually I have started cleaning the house, and it may be difficult for me to settle up everything before u come. Can we make it some other time? To convert the white lie into truth, I do a little cleaning. My conscience lets me sleep with that. Or - well, I have this urgent assignment to be cleared. I might have to stay up. Or actually I am planning to go out with my cousin or something. There are so many ways to avoid. I know we are told not to tell lies. But we are also told not to hurt. When these two come face to face, I'd opt for white lies which dont harm anybody and keep everybody happy.
• Philippines
16 Aug 09
I done it before as I do not like to reject friend invitation as she may tag me as a snob. but, when i am not in the moods to join..I just tell her some alibi that is acceptable rather than pressuring myself to join when in fact I am not feeling okay. in your case you becomes a nanny for a short period it is still okay as long as still tolerable but if you get to the point that your friend is making you miserable. It is right to say No than keeping silence when deep inside you really want to pack up..Now days i see to it that I tell my friend honestly what i feel and my credible reasons in a way that she never feel rejected..
18 Aug 09
Hi neelianoscet, Thank you for your response. I see you had a hard time also,, but you finally succeeded,,Good for You. I also do not want to hurt or upset my friends, or family, but I now am believing more and more that it is time for me to begin to say "NO"
• Indonesia
16 Aug 09
Yes, I can. Once I feel guilty too and I've faced the situation that I didn't like just because I can't say no. Now I think better to say NO than say Yes but then I feel don't like my own decision or can't serve or do the thing my friend hope from me. If I think I can, I will say yes with all the consequences and do the best. If I know I'm busy and can't, I will say no. Better to tell the truth than make her dissapointed and unhappy, and I feel unhappy too. Thus she/he can ask for help to other people. That's me I hope someday you will be able to say the truth, whether it's YES or NO
18 Aug 09
Hi ChrysanTflower, Thank you for your response. You are right, I should be able to say yes, when I can, and want to and NO if I cannot, because it is impossible. It will take some time, but I will try and start doing the right thing....telling the truth,and letting my friends know how I truly feel. thanks for your response
16 Aug 09
i think hurting a little bit is better than lying your friend ,it would hurt him much more if you promise something to your friend unwillingly and break your promise after wards
17 Aug 09
Hello, yogesh0505 thank you for your response. Before I wrote this problem, I was sure no one else had, I to believed it was ok for me to feel hurt rather than have my friends be hurt. But, just read what all the others wrote to me and you know what I have learned, that it is OK to say NO sometimes, I would not say NO if I had gave my word or promised someone something every once and a while but beginning now, when I feel I do not want to do what my friends asked me to do, I am going to say "NO" and will explain why. If they do not understand, well I will tell them I am very sorry but that is the way I feel, and if they are truly my friend they should be able to understand. I to am afraid I might loose my friends, but if they cannot except a "NO" from me every once in awhile,,then I guess they truly are not my friends. Good Luck to you and me both Remember just say "NO" and you are not alone,
• Malaysia
16 Aug 09
Its very difficult for me to say NO either. So many times I have been taken advantaged of.
17 Aug 09
Hello kl_blueknight, Very nice of you to respond,thank you. Please do me a favor and read what other people, Just like you and I who have been through, all the crap, just like you and I they have put up with, and really listen to yourself and try real hard as I will be also doing, to take all the positive energy, from everyone, and all I can say is TRY to get people to stop taking advantage of you, by just saying "no" I wish you all the best and remember you are not alone.
• Indonesia
16 Aug 09
hahhahaha, I hate to say no to my friend.
@ladygator (3469)
• United States
16 Aug 09
I dont like to say no to family, but friends on the other hand. I do say no all the time.
@Poison_Girl (4163)
• United States
16 Aug 09
Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who has a hard time saying no. I have a friend who's kind enough to sometimes take me out to run errands, but she brings her kid along and expects me to push him around. And she KNOWS that I don't like kids. She asks me to because she thinks (says) he behaves better for me. Well, I don't care if he does, he's not MY responsibility. You know? Of course, I can never say that to her and I always end up pushing her kid around for her. *sigh* I suppose I kinda feel like I owe it to her since she's doing the driving and all, but I really hate pushing a kid around in the cart. And if I actually liked kids and had one of my own, I would NEVER ask a friend to push around MY kid! She also likes to come over and go swimming every week. I'm not a fan of that, but I can never say no. I guess I'm one of those people who wants to be liked by everyone and I'm afraid people won't like me if I say no. You know?
@MizFel (89)
• Nigeria
16 Aug 09
Mehn! i was before but not anymore! if i have an issue i say it up front! That's the best thing and from that it would show you who your real friends are. Trust me hiding everything won't solve an issue. Sit them down and tell them. i had an issue concerning my own roommate at college and we fought cos we did not tell each other things. am even getting a bad feeling that my next semester with her is going to be unappealing. I don't like her as my roommate but she has equal rights to the room as well and i have been finding ways to kick her out but ve no idea. Am still stuck with her. Sucks for me!!! U definitely don't want to have that.
• United States
16 Aug 09
I am EXACTLY that person. I feel so bad and guilty if I have to say No to something. For example, all of my friends scheduled to play tennis on a thursday. We didn't invite this one jerk named Jon but then he just came along and there he was. And we all didn't want him here but we all were pretty nice so we said, hey jon, you're playing with us? And then he replied, yea I am. So after tennis, 2 of my friends were supposed to hang out at my house, and then Jon comes along and says, hey I'm going to your house. In my mind, I'm all like, What a jerk, he didn't even ask me!. But everyone knows how nice I am so I say, you're coming also? And he says yea. And I can't really make an excuse because my other 2 friends were coming. But then once my 2 friends left, Jon stayed at my house. He said, my mom is on the way. But we waited, it was about 8 and it was my dinnertime, and he just said, can I just eat dinner aT your house? And I said, when is your mom coming? He said he didn't know. I told him to call her again and a minute later, he said she didn't pick up. So I had to accept him . He ate and slurped the noodles and finished in like 3 minutes. Such bad manners. He even said, the noodles taste nasty right in front of my parents. I was so annoyed but I'm too nice to say no because I think that would be pretty messed up. I always imagined myself in his position and what would I do. I had just finished excercising and I stayed at my friends house for like 5 hours with only a pop tart and a bunch of snacks (Yes he took more of my food also). My friend said that he even stole my granola bars (about 10 of them) and then he denied it. The next day, I went to his house because I think he felt bad about everything he had done and I went into his room, and I saw a bunch of empty granola bar wrappers. The one that I had bought at my house. I got totally P.O. that he lied to me and stole from my house, and I just didn't talk to him. After this experience had happened, I need to stop being Mr. Nice Guy, and be a little selfish for once.
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
16 Aug 09
I use to have that problem, not anymore when I realized it was not hard for others to say no to me, you will learn my suggestion is to think about those that say no to you, that will help make it a little easier, you don't actually have to say no, considering the word in itself is a little harsh like the word " what" I hate that word, anyway you can say I can't do that right now, or something to that affect, but try to get out of that habit although it is nice to be there for others, sad that some people don't see things the same way they look at it like well I will ask her she won't say no,my daughter says no to me, I am like how do you say no to your mom, I will never tell my mother no, but some people what can we do, just change it will be in your best interest. when you are super nice to friends they tend to take advantage of you, why are you watching her child when she is in your house with you? I learned the hard way, now after years of tears I will refuse you in a heart beat, please don't be like me sweety, you will only regret this later on, practice now save yourself a lot of tears later on.