Handling Teens...

Teenagers... - Teenagers...
@twoey68 (13651)
United States
August 16, 2009 10:12am CST
Raising kids is never an easy job and at times it seems even harder than anyone can imagine. Their in such a hurry to grow up, that they often don’t think of how their actions can impact their lives. Here’s a hypothetical situation: Your teen daughter, at age 15, has been caught texting an older, married man. She’s got lots of older boys that she’s head over heels for and she’s been sneaking around and lying to you. How do you handle it? Do you lower the boom on her and take away her access to the cellphone/pc, monitor her friends and keep her home except for school and church? Or do you give her a standard punishment like a grounding? Or do you just ignore it? With these questions, comes the task of also explaining the dangers of meeting strangers online…afterall anyone can be anyone. Just b/c someone seems nice and sweet doesn’t mean they are. How would you handle the hypothetical situation? Is it more important for you to make your kid follow the rules or to be their friend and not make them mad at you? How closely do you monitor what your kid is doing on their cellphone or pc? [b]**AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~[/b]
6 people like this
18 responses
@drannhh (15226)
• United States
16 Aug 09
If at 15 the daughter does that, it is too late already. I wouldn't punish her, unless she considered already not having a phone a punishment. The only circumstance under which a 15 year old daughter if I had one (which thank heavens I do not!) would have a cell phone would be to carry for emergency use only on the way to and from a J-O-B, and her earnings would be going for necessities, not social stuff, but I would match her earned dollars with money in a college savings account, which in the unlikely event she had any left over after she graduated from at least a 4-yr college or university with an academic degree (not basket-weaving), she could keep it no strings attached because by then she would be a grown up. No, I would not ignore it, and I would again not as punishment but out of civic duty have her volunteer in a variety of organizations, including homes for unwed mothers, orphanages, children's hospitals, etc. If I had a kid she would be kept too busy to go around panting after men. She would be exposed to the seamy and seedy side of life early on so that it would not appear falsely appealing when her hormones kicked in. She wouldn't have been kept in the dark and clueless. Her little brain would already be well wrapped around the idea that men are a different species.
1 person likes this
@tammytwo (4304)
• United States
16 Aug 09
At 15 all of the kids have cell phones. They usually have them so their parents can contact them after school activities and such. It's never too late to teach a child about appropriate behaviors.
2 people like this
@drannhh (15226)
• United States
17 Aug 09
I remember well telling my own parents that "all the kids have" this or that in an attempt to be allowed to have something. It never worked. Yes, many kids have cell phones but not all of them. I know a few who do not and a few more who have them, but only for emergency use and the parents monitor their call lists. It depends a lot on one's culture and where one lives.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Aug 09
And yes, as far as the cell phone ettiquette thing - it depends on the kid. My older kids ONLY got cell phones after they had both agreed to either do something to earn the money for the airtime/text fees AND have enough upfront to purchase the phones in the first place - or have some type of part time job to pay for any of their charges. I may or may not require that from my youngest, right now she is too young to need anything like a cell phone, oddly enough I think that she would be more responsible with one, NOT break the dang thing 2 weeks after I bought it, AND only use it for what it should be used for, which is staying in touch with ME. I can definitely say that when she is old enough to be walking from school or going over to friend's houses without me, I may want her to carry something to make it easier for us to stay in touch. Honestly, if a kid is responsible and never shows you a reason not to trust them, then I don't think privelages should be based on age - just responsible behavior. While I know the older kids will probably be pissy if their sister gets a cell when she is 9 and they weren't allowed till they were 15 - well, I can explain that she was responsible at age 9 and they were not.
@dlr297 (5387)
• United States
17 Aug 09
Raising kids is one of the toughest jobs their are, and i am so glad that all mine are old enough to be on their own. But back to your question. First my 15 year old would not have a cell phone. But if she did, and was texting to a older married man. I would go after him. I would find out who it was and put a stop to it by going to his wife, if that did not work i would go to the police and report it. and then i would monitor what she was doing very closely, and she would loose the phone. Until i could trust her again Keeping communications open with your kids is one of the best things to do, and the younger they are is better. Grounding her is not going to do any good, and ignoring it is not going to make it go away either
1 person likes this
@drannhh (15226)
• United States
17 Aug 09
You and Tammytwo are both spot on with your recommendation to go after the man. Very good response.
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Aug 09
Grounding is almost more of a punishment to the parents - then you have to deal with their whining and snippy attitude, along with them claiming they are bored because they are now stuck in the house without a cell phone, computer, other phone, tv, stereo, etc. LOL! And no friends! Before anybody feels sorry for the poor pitiful teen, when I ground mine, that's what we do, everything is banned pretty much. It also screws ME because I have to stay home to make sure they don't get onto or into something, or they come with me. It's very aggravating, but if it teaches anything, it's to figure out how to be trustworthy again - which is the goal.
@Hatley (164654)
• Garden Grove, California
16 Aug 09
twoey you have to start long before teens or else you have a teen 'who is on a bad path.explain aLl the dangers well before the teens and stand in two way communication at all times, be there for your kids, teach them about the teen years, and all the dangers that come along well before the teens, and no dont be their friend be their mom a loving mom but a parent,someone they can go to when they are confused,upset, or have got into a jam. be there listen respect them, ground them if necessary, explain aLways why some things are wrong but make them know they can come to you with anything not as a friend but as a loving mom, a pArent. I did this years back and my son is now fifty, and a wonderful man.
@drannhh (15226)
• United States
16 Aug 09
Lol, I should have read your response before posting mine. So true! And congratulations on have had your son turn out so well.
@dragon54u (31617)
• United States
16 Aug 09
I didn't have children in order to be their friend, I had them in order to guide them into happy lives. They've hated me from time to time but I know that's part of growing up. I would take the cell away--first, my 15 year old wouldn't have a cell. But say she did, I'd take it away and deactivate it. Then I would sit down with her and have a good long talk about meeting people online, affairs with married men and the consequences of all that. I'd tell her about my own past experiences and the consequences that I suffered some years later because of those actions. If that didn't work I would call around her phone book and warn those older guys that they could be in prison for statutory rape by dating my daughter. I'd tell her that, too. I can't imagine just ignoring the problem, I'd end up with a pregnant, unmarried daughter and another baby to raise!
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118210)
• Boise, Idaho
18 Aug 09
What do I do? I get out my favorite book on the subject and refresh myself. The link to the site is: www.loveandlogic.com. Best book and cd on the subject as far as I am concerned. Makes so much sense. You let them have all the rope they deserve and then you start in with the logical thinking. It will drive them crazy but it does the trick.
@enola1692 (3325)
• United States
17 Aug 09
I am bad about watching what they are doing on thier cellphones an on the internet my daughter's might get alittle mad at me about it but i tell them I can check or they can lose the internet cause nowadays you have to watch them
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
17 Aug 09
Well sometimes the talk doesn't work, and even if a cell is taken away doesn't mean anything when she can still use her "friends" cell or computer to message this guy. The more we fight against it the more they will want it. No matter if we talk till we are blue in the face. We try to protect they don't see it as that. They see it as smothering or ruining their life. They will use their friends to get what they want. Even if it lands them in trouble later. So monitoring friends could help.Restraining a child in grounding can make them run away or sneak out and do worse things then they make have originally thought to do as a get even payback thing. SO raising kids is like walking on egg shells..otherwise they might just end up another runaway on the streets doing things we abhor even thinking about to survive. So, it is difficult to do but they gotta know that dating older men or married men is not good or right and that the man is probably only out for one thing. A few mattress dances before he moves on to his next victim.
@anniefannie (1743)
• United States
17 Aug 09
kids are had to raise today with all the other kids that have cells and so many parents don't know are care what their kids are doing i would ground them take away their pc and cells and games and what every they enjoyed doing for a time.i would explain why i was doing what i was doing.be parents first instead of friends
@stephcjh (32328)
• United States
17 Aug 09
I know it is definitely hard to raise a teenager for sure. I have a 17 year old daughter. she has put us through you know what and back so far. I try to be her mom and her friend and times but I still make her do the right things in life. I do not let her have full control over me just to not make her mad. I always monitor what she does.
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Aug 09
I am not my kids' friend. I am their PARENT. In this hypothetical situation, I would be quite mad at myself for not having any idea that my daughter was up to this BEFORE it got this far. As far as punishing her, I'd probably embarrass her. I would contact these 'boys' and explain that my daughter was much younger than they probably thought, and that I could quite easily get them in big trouble with the law because she was FIFTEEN. She would get in trouble obviously for lying to me. She would lose her cell phone/texting privelages and not be allowed to use the computer without me sitting by her. As far as keeping her at home, it would depend. If she was only talking to these boys via text and/or computer and did not know them or get together with them in real life, I might not completely ground her, but if there was a chance she was meeting them away from home, then I would. For me, it's not so much RULES that would make me worried in a scenario like this. It's more that someone would take advantage of her, get her to trust them and meet them and boom... abducted, assaulted, raped, hurt. Some people are crazy, they would even kill a girl once they gained their trust.
@tammytwo (4304)
• United States
16 Aug 09
First, as the wife and sister to police officers I would report this older man. I would then stop her from any contact with him immediately. There is no need for an older man to be communicating with a young girl unless he happens to be a coach, teacher, minister or someone that really works with her on a regular basis. In this case I would know if he were contacting her by phone or computer because she would tell me. We have open lines of communication with our children and they do know where we stand. My husband and I both have a Facebook account and can watch our children's actions online. If I ever feel concerned over something that could be occurring I will question it and it will be handled accordingly and immediately.
16 Aug 09
Hi twoey68, For one, I would be the most strictest mother in the world, I would take here phone awafrom her, escort her to school and back, if I can, I'd stay around in her school even to her class room and if she wants to see her friends I may let her see one or two friend at home and whoever comes to see her, I would take their phone of her friend, I would do that for a while till she learned her lessons. Kids today gets too much freedom in the first place. Tamara
@blackbriar (9080)
• United States
16 Aug 09
My daughter doesn't really have any friends, boy or girl, so right now I'm not too worried. She knows she will be given only one chance and that's it. She sneaks out for any reason and ends up in trouble or hanging out with the boys, no coming back. I don't foresee any major problems with her pretaining to boys other than just hanging out as friends. She has one boy friend that she gets along great with. IF they were to ever date, I would be fine with it because I know him and his parents and that he's being brought up with the same values we are raising our own daughter with.
• United States
16 Aug 09
It is very difficult to be a parent of a teen these days, but it is impossible to do if your first intention is to be their buddy. You were ordained by God to the taks, take steps to guide & protect.
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
16 Aug 09
I would start with confiscating it all. I have a daughter that did those things, and we ended up in a big mess with her. She would have to earn my trust back and I would try to find things to explain to her why she should not trust everyone she is talking to online. My son cannot understand why the only time he can be on the internet is when we are in the same room. I would rather be safe and the bad guy, then to be sorry.
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
16 Aug 09
Hi twoey, In some ways I'm happy that I don't have teenagers today, but I still believe that what worked 25 years ago would work today. The problem you present here is a difficult one because you've given us a 15 year old daughter that has been hiding the truth from her parents. Although I know that all children are different I feel that wouldn't be the situation if she had been raised differently. We have to remember that the teenage years are very difficult ones and that has always been the case whether we are willing to admit or not. Teens today of course, face many new and different challenges that their parents didn't have to cope with. I know I would start by not placing blame on the child, she already has enough to deal with. Getting through to her that you really love her and want only what's best for her may not be easy but you must somehow gain her trust. We never do the right thing when we get angry and punishment isn't the way to go as long as she feels that you're acting like a big bully, it will only add fuel to the fire. At the same time we cannot ignore the situation because that would only prove that we had given up on her. Different things work for different people when you try to reach out to someone, and the challenge here is to find what works, but you must get through and she has to know that your concern is genuine, otherwise it doesn't work. Blessings.
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
16 Aug 09
I say lower the boom. If you make your point the first time, they will relize the result of their behavior if they are caught. Not to mention the threat the older married man would be getting in the process. If my daughter is mad at me..so be it..my job is to keep her from screwing up. We have time to be friends later.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
16 Aug 09
After raising five children , two girls & three boys, i have found that having a heart to heart talk with them can work wonders....I did not down them but i told them of the dangers that could happen if they continued going in the wrong direction.....It is not an easy job raising children & teen age years are the worst, but all we can do is teach them the right way & pray they listen...Of all of my five children , one was a rebellious one & he has spent a lot of time in jail...He has told me he wished he had listened to my advice, and he also said that he did the wrong things and he brought it all on himself....Even though he is constantly doing the wrong things & making wrong choices ..he KNOWS right from wrong, and i did my best to teach him, so i know i did the right thing..The other four children are happy, hold good jobs ,and are great people now, so i hope that what i taught them stuck somehow....I have noticed that my children have followed with their children the way i did them growing up..They have heart to heart tallks with them & let them know they are loved and only want the best for them, and so far it has worked..It never helps to scream & holler, and make a fuss, it only makes things worse...If you have to take things away from them, sit them down & explain "WHY" you are doing it, and let them know that when their actions change then things will be better for them......