My miscarriage - a blessing?!?
By lisado
@lisado (1227)
United States
August 17, 2009 12:03am CST
I was talking to an older lady (she was in her 60s or 70s and I'm only 36, so to me she was older) at Walmart while waiting on a prescription last month. Her comment has had me festing over it since then and it still bugs the $#@^%& out of me.
Anyway, somehow my miscarriage came up. I had told her both of my sons were Autistic and she had the nerve to tell me that my miscarriage was a blessing so I wouldn't have the risk of having another special needs child. Excuse me?!? I love my sons, and they are my world, so to have someone tell me that losing my baby so there wasn't a chance of having a 3rd special needs child was just wrong. It was my 4th miscarriage, so I was still pretty depressed over it. I was shocked at first and it's boiled over into being livid. I didn't even know the woman! Probably wouldn't have talked to her but we had both been waiting over 30 minutes for scripts and started out talking about how slow they were when it came to scripts. I just was shocked that she said it, much less seemed to think nothing of telling me my pregnancy was a mistake and my miscarriage was a "blessing". Even if other people thought that they never said anything to my face, probably knowing I'd snap their heads off for it. I generally say what I think and if people don't like it, tough. I was so shocked she had the nerve to say that that I didn't say anything. I think she knew she hurt my feelings, and possibly made me mad, so she chamged the subject. I have never thought of a miscarriage as a blessing, especially my own when we tried for years to have a baby, and had lost three before this last one.
Anyone else have someone tell them that? I've been told it's "God's will" and so on, and even though that stings, I know most of the time people just aren't sure what to say. This was flat out wrong and hurtful.
2 people like this
6 responses
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
17 Aug 09
That was a very common and very insensitive comment to say to anyone losing a baby. It never feels like a blessing to the parents who lost and grieve the baby. Actually there is nothing that makes the parents feel any better but a comment like this is sure to make you feel worse. I don't care how old the woman was...that was a very ignorant thing to say.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
21 Aug 09
Of course that wouldn't make you feel any better. I lost a child years ago and to be honest, there are no words that really can make you feel better. I think the best thing would be to offer condolences, a hug and maybe a good ear. It is a very tough thing and unless one has experienced it, they could not possibly know what it feels like.
@meandmy3 (2227)
• United States
19 Aug 09
I have had someone tell me that I have no right to complain about my childrens disabilities because I did fertility treatments.
I also had someone tell me that I was punished for giving a child up for adoption and made to be infertile as a result.
Nice real nice
@lisado (1227)
• United States
20 Aug 09
OMG!! For real?!? That is a new level of low!! Why do people assume special needs kids are a curse? I look at it like God needed a special person to take care of a special needs child, and I must be really lucky because I was blessed with two. I don't want to stick my kids somewhere and forget about them just because they're different.
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
30 Jun 10
I hate when someone told me "it is a good thing you never got pregnant (I did not tell about the child I gave up for adoption when she was a newborn.) that children are a bother. It was like telling that me "You are not suited to be a mother because you are so bad." People can be cruel and insensitive at times. As for God's Will, unless you are a Christian and you know that your unborn child is going to be in heaven, you will feel bad hearing that. I know I felt the same way before I became a Christian. God does not wish a child to be born, but Satan does if he knows that had that child lived, that child would be a help to mankind.
Surely since both your sons were Autistic and you had not much trouble caring for them, that having another autistic child might not have bothered you that much.
Me/ I would have been furious at her. Me? I would have said sorry and given you a hug.
@beckish (641)
• United States
17 Aug 09
What she said was very wrong and hurtful, and I am sorry you had to experience interaction with someone like that. Many times I think people don't know what to say and the words come out wrong, but it is hard to imagine that she didn't know what she was saying.
@maximax8 (31053)
• United Kingdom
18 Jul 10
I feel sorry for all ladies that have suffered having a miscarriage. Every one of those ladies has lost a baby and sadly didn't get to have their baby born. A pregnancy that ends in miscarriage must be a miserable and worrying experience. Every baby and child is special. Miscarrying could never be a blessing even if the child is disabled. A disabled child is just as special as other children.
My disabled toddler son goes to a playgroup for special needs children. One of the children is severely autistic. A few of the other children are on the autistic spectrum. Some of the children are thought to be slightly autistic. I read a magazine with an advert for special needs children's clothes. One t-shirt said "My Child is not naughty. He is autistic". So I thought that was rather special.
Some parents find out their child is disabled before he or she is born. That was the situation I was in because I found out about my son's spina bifida and hydrocephalus at 36 weeks pregnancy. I believe autism does show up at birth but a few years later. The children I know with autism are between two and a half and five years old.
@divkris (1156)
• India
17 Aug 09
Hmmmm - may she meant things in a differnt way. I can understand that child bearing is a personal matter and only the individual (and the spouse) have the right to talk about the matter.
But you know how the oldies are. Probably she did not mean to be rude the way her words hit you. People have a wrong assumption that if a family has a child with special needs, it is hereditary and people who belong to the family are prone to produce such offsprings only!
I have a sister with who needs special attention (she is mentally challenged) and people actually told my MOM to be happy with the two children she has. Like you she said it is none of their business. I think the best way is to keep personal things personal so that others don't have the chance to advice or comment on your matter. BTW, I'm sorry for you and the little one. But never lose heart and be a proud special mother 
